To Each His Ghost

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"Does any of you think Touya is acting strange lately?" Hikaru asked.

Everyone paused from their meal to consider the question. Given recent happenings, it was a rather delicate subject.

"I don't," Waya was the first to reply. "Do you? Actually, considering he just lost his father, he looked remarkably normal." He hastened to add, "I mean, he's handling it really well, which is a good thing."

"I thought he was more quiet than usual," the perceptive Isumi said. "But that might be because I was sort of looking for the signs."

Hikaru looked thoughtful.

"Wouldn't you know better?" Waya asked.

"I guess I'll have to wait until his match next week to see," Hikaru said. "He's only been playing the lower-dans since he returned."

"And still winning," Honda remarked with awe.

"Did you watch the games?" Hikaru asked. They had been clashing with his own schedule.

"I watched one of them," Isumi said. "But I couldn't tell if anything was different. He played as calmly as he usually did."

Hikaru suddenly remembered what Touya had once said: I'm the one who know you best.

It goes both ways, Touya, he thought. He would have to play Touya to see for himself.

"What's the matter?" Waya asked again. "Has he been losing to you or something?"

That was kind of a problem in itself.

Touya had missed their latest two sessions. The first time, he'd been tied up in funeral matters. The second time, he'd needed to accompany his mother on some family visits. Those were valid reasons, but Touya had also turned him down when he offered to reschedule.

Hikaru wondered if this would continue.

He didn't think Touya was the type to run away from anything, but after all, Hikaru knew very well the pain of losing someone close. Given his own forfeit records, Touya was certainly faring much better.

But that was also exactly why Hikaru cared so much.

"I wonder if Touya-sensei has played enough Go?" he murmured to himself.

"Uh, Shindou?"

His friends exchanged glances. For all they could tell, Hikaru seemed to be the one acting strange on Touya's behalf.

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Touya hadn't called to cancel this week, so Hikaru dropped by the Go salon as usual, and indeed, found Touya sitting on their regular spot.

"Hey," he greeted, and sat down across Touya.

"Hey," Touya replied, his tone soft and low, like someone who'd been in silence for too long.

Hikaru quietly observed him, stopped only when Touya looked at him questioningly. "Play?" he asked quickly.

Touya nodded. "Please."

Touya's hands seemed to move in slow motion. Isumi was right when he said Touya was more quiet. It wasn't the lack of words, as Touya never spoke much anyway - it was the whole atmosphere around him.

"Shindou."

Hikaru jolted. It was the umpteenth time that Touya had to call his attention when he finished his turn. "Uh, yes. Sorry."

He was about to put down his stone when he realized that Touya's move had preempted his plan. "Ah..."

He was clearly losing. What was more, it should have been obvious a few hands back.

Hikaru looked up, ready to admit defeat, but was stopped by the look on Touya's face.

"Are you pitying me?" Touya asked calmly, in all likeliness the heralds of a storm.

Hikaru looked at their game.

"It had nothing to do with sympathy," he answered, honestly. "I was distracted."

And he wasn't pleased with himself for it. He couldn't expect to determine whether Touya was playing normally if himself wasn't much of the usual challenge.

But something was off about Touya. There was an unfamiliar aura around him, and half Hikaru's concentration had gone to sensing the presence of any spirit.

"Distracted of thinking whether I'm all right?" Touya said. He seemed to accept that, though, because the storm didn't come after all.

Hikaru scratched his head. "There is a difference. I'm definitely not underestimating you."

"Shindou," Touya said, but he was half looking down at the goban instead of Hikaru. "The fact that I'm here means I'm well enough to play Go." He paused before adding, "...Well enough to play you."

"I know," Hikaru said quietly. He was beginning to see why Touya hadn't wanted to play him until now - until he had recovered enough to face Hikaru properly. Ironically enough, it was Hikaru who wasn't ready to face him.

The more he thought about it, the worse he felt.

"Sorry!" He bowed suddenly, his forehead almost knocking the table.

Touya fiddled with the back of his neck, unsure. "...No, you don't have to. I'm actually rather... moved... that it affects you this much."

Indeed, Touya Kouyo hadn't belonged to his family alone. Numerous Go players had been depressed by his departure, and it was double the concern for those who were also close to his son.

Hikaru looked up. Touya was staring at the wall, the side perspective emphasizing the contours of that thinning face, making him look so lonely.

Something clenched in Hikaru's chest, and he braced himself to ask what had been weighing on his mind. "Hey, Touya... have you been... seeing him?"

Touya looked at him with confusion. "Who?"

Hikaru's doubt returned. Maybe it took more than obsession to become a ghost - Sai did die a wronged man, on top of everything else. "...Your father."

Touya hesitated. "I dreamed of him the night after the funeral, if that's what you mean," he answered softly, and Hikaru suddenly realized how far he had trodden into Touya's personal space.

"Do you think he was at peace when he left?" he marched on anyway. If Touya had minded, he would've told Hikaru so. "I mean... if he had any lingering regret... of not playing enough Go, or achieving the Hand of God..."

Touya looked straight at him then. "I know for a fact there's someone he still wants to play."

Hikaru's heart skipped a beat. He of course knew whom it might be. He was suddenly worried - what if Touya's father had lingered on in this world trying to find Sai, while Sai himself had left? Or did spirits get told these things when they left their worldly bodies?

He checked around a little to see if the air would stir or get colder or something. None of those happened.

He sensed Touya watching him curiously, and quickly composed himself. "Uhm... did he say anything in the dream?"

Touya looked mildly surprised. "You believe it was really his spirit coming to visit me through a dream?"

"I do," Hikaru said sincerely. "Don't you?"

Touya was taken aback. "I guess I never believed in such things before." His eyes turned unexpectedly... wistful? "But if it were... if it were, I-" he stopped abruptly as emotions started to overcome his voice.

Hikaru wasn't sure how to deal with this Touya, but if his own experience was anything to go by-

"Did he look happy?"

Touya stared at him for a long time, the implication of that question very slowly starting to make sense to his mind. At long last, he turned his gaze away and leaned back on his seat with a subtle exhale.

"Back when I was with Kaiou's Go club," he said, "my father asked me why I'd insisted to join the amateur tournament."

Hikaru said nothing at the seeming irrelevance, and listened on.

"It was the first time I admitted to him that he was my goal. But I told him that I needed to chase you, even if it made me stray from the path that led straight to where he was."

His eyes refocused. "I dreamed of that exact scene, that night."

Hikaru straightened unconsciously.

"He smiled at me the same way, as he said the same words to me... that the stray path I had chosen, taking detours and climbing walls in my pursuit of you, was exactly the one that led to the Hand of God."

Nothing had changed in the air, but the tight feeling in Hikaru's chest disappeared then.

"I thought it was just a random memory, but if it were as you said... Was he trying to tell me that, maybe... even with him as a goal, everyone I met along the way were the ones that brought me there? So I must not lose my way when he's not around?"

Hikaru was silent for some time. "I think he might also want to say," he said carefully, "that your goal really is not him."

Touya jolted a little, and he looked at Hikaru questioningly.

"That you and he, and all of us really, are all walking toward that same goal. Isn't it so?"

Even Sai. And if Touya-sensei had really thought that way, surely there wouldn't be any regret even if he never had the chance to play Sai once again.

"He was ahead, and he was pulling everyone along. But each one of us walks on our own, and we're also pushing each other forward."

Touya had leaned forward at some point, and he was staring at Hikaru so intently that Hikaru flustered when he snapped out of his reverie.

"O-of course, he is still a very important part of you..."

"He is in my Go, isn't he?" Touya said.

It was Hikaru's turn to stare. That was too obvious a connection not to make.

"You once said that if I kept chasing your ghost..." Touya hang the sentence with a probing look. "That's an interesting choice of word."

The fact that this guy did go to Kaiou should have proven his thinking capability beyond Go. Hikaru decided to cut the chase then - he couldn't imagine an easier moment to ever explain that than this.

"Do you still want to know?" he asked. "That thing I promised you."

"It was a promise, wasn't it?" Touya returned.

"Yeah..." Hikaru considered how he should start.

"That's all right, I guess you've kept it after all," Touya said. "It was a roundabout conversation, but I think I get it."

Hikaru almost slipped from his chair.

"You do know me best," it jumped off his tongue.

Touya's smile was still touched with sadness, but it was good enough for Hikaru for now. "It goes both ways, don't you think?"

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Author Ramblings:

(1) That turn into the "someday" topic is rather unplanned...

(2) My second time writing about Touya Kouyo's death, which felt like once or twice too many. :/

(3) The theme kind of dictated that it'd be angsty, and with my attempt to lighten it up, it ended up feeling like an undecided piece. Do let me know what you think. :P Anyway, considering the lengthy angst, if you've read until here, it's already much appreciated. :D