The Last Test.

I do not own Eva, or any related media to it, nor am I in any way making that statement, this is simply a work of fiction and if requested will be taken down from whatever site it had been posted at.

1

I'm scared…even now, I'm scared.

Please leave a message after the beep.

/beep/

Kaji… Wait, d-

Don't turn this off… please… don't erase this message until you've heard it all…

This isn't a… this isn't one of those calls I've made in the past. This is…

I know that this is probably not the best way for me to do or say this, but, there really is no other way... I haven't received a call from you, you haven't visited me yet…

I know… you're probably on another one of those super secret elite spy missions you never talk about but simply smile that smile of yours and pretend I haven't asked what it was about…

I have been sitting in the dark for longer than I can remember, just holding the phone thinking to myself 'who should I call, who should I tell?'

Wondering if there is any way out, any other way out.

There isn't, not for me.

I… I just wanted to be able to… I don't know… say goodbye one last time.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking…'This is strange for Asuka…why is she suddenly opening up like this?'

And you're right… I've never been one to wear my heart on a sleeve, never been one to go ahead and simply dump my problems on a listening ear…

I've always relied on myself and myself alone, but the truth is…

The truth is I'm tired, tired of all of this…

I made up my mind when Misato came by to see me and… S-she simply… simply saw me and muttered an 'Oh Asuka' before holding me, and no matter how hard she tried to hold it in… no matter how hard I tried to hold it in, we both ended up crying…

I felt so disgusted with myself I pushed Misato to the floor, shouting for her to get the hell away from me…

Why can't I…

So now Misato won't talk to me in anything but that overly peppy tone she uses to try and assure me something will be done, even hen I can hear her voice going stiff, and the anger in the back of her throat at every biting remark I make, and her teeth grinding every time I…

Hikari is calling me pretty much in between classes to see how I'm holding up… Akagi…

I think Akagi and the Baka and Wondergirl have been the only ones who have been on the level with me…

Akagi was coldly distant; that detached, frigid pretense set firmly in place when she told me the facts, and while my reaction might have not been the greatest, in my defense I think I took it pretty well when she told me I would never pilot… ever…

Again.

Apparently one of the secondary effects from that angel's attack was to leave me powerless to synch with my Eva after it had raped my mind.

And then, of course there was that bright snake made of light. Misato made me get into the Eva, even when she knew it wasn't my 02 any longer. The angel hovered for a second, before it flew up to me and impacted on the face.

And then it blinded me.

When I woke up, everything was dark, and I could feel the gauze going around my head, covering my eyes.

Everything was black. Even when they removed the gauze and told me they shone a light in my eyes, it was still dark.

Rei tried to give me a pep talk… too bad I really wasn't in the mood; Again, in my defense, who tells someone who has just received the worst news in a long time that she hopes everything would be for the better, and that if I needed new eyes I could have hers, as she could have them replaced?

Really… that was just sick.

It just hit me afterwards, after I had screamed at her and tried to claw at her and fell on the floor and simply told her, asked her… pleaded her to leave, that she was trying to cheer me up… in that socially retarded particular way Rei has.

We'd been at this for days…

Akagi had been having the time of her life, treating me as one of those Verdamte experiments of her; she's been picking and probing me, at first, it had been to see just "how extensive the impact had been" to my "already damaged my ratio".

Bitch.

Even if she tried to hide it, I could hear the smugness and satisfaction behind her voice. I could feel it in her hands, encased in those rubber gloves, as she tried oh so carefully with those fine picking needles of her against my fingertips and the soles of my feet, against the base of my neck ad the small of my back…

Against my eyes and eyelids…

I could still hear how amused she sounded, even when trying to mask it with a mirthless, detached tone … the way with which she kept asking if I could make an outline or take a step or raise my hand…

She had enjoyed this, milked it as much as she could for days and days before she officially said what I had known all along, what I had known all those times she had ran those tests and asked for figures, and the terminal beeped, I knew they-

No…

I knew we were deluding ourselves, and that there really wasn't any chance at all.

I was blind, and there was no way I was going to be able to see again.

So I'm not a pilot anymore… and I know what you must be thinking… 'Well, she's certainly taking it better than I would have expected her to.' Or 'Why is she so calm and not screeching like the harpy she is?'

Shinji was the only one who had treated me with some respect; he never tried to make it seem like something else… hell, he never said anything, not even that 'I'm sorry' the idiot always says in that disgusting, helpless, escaping way he uses whenever he feels that things are getting too tough or uncomfortable for him.

He simply came once I was a bit more… sane, and sat next to me.

And no mater how much I shouted and pleaded and begged and cried, he never left… he stuck with me even after I slapped him, and then he simply…

…

I think the truth of the matter is that for all the times I told him how much of an idiot he was, and how his piloting skills suck, the days I have spent in solitary… just thinking, until Akagi decided I was in a sane state of mind to not try anything there and took me off suicide watch, I finally got it…

That's when it hit me… how much of a pathetic loser I had become.

Yes, yes… I know, now you're thinking 'What's up with the quick change attitude?' Well, cut me some slack, Ok! I have a point under all this blabbing and it's hard for me to get there…

I…

I want to thank you.

I know Misato was probably trying to hide away behind all the paperwork she never cared for, probably something about that angel that was hovering on the city, and that Baka Shinji is at school.

And you weren't here…

I was alone.

That was when I chose for myself… I could no longer keep deceiving myself into thinking I was the Great and Invincible Asuka Langley Sohryu.

I'll never be the Great Asuka Langley Sohryu.

I remember when I decided on making my last stand.

I was ready.

That was it.

I didn't know what else to say; I didn't know if any one else might care about it or not…

I considered calling Hikari and letting her know, but then realized she would probably do something stupid, like try and stop me or something… which was funny if you consider how much I love talking and boasting about me and my importance as, 'The Great Asuka Langley Sohryu'.

The great failure.

The great fake.

The biggest liar.

I had decided that I was going to go out in a big bang and die like I should die, like I was trained my whole life…

I was gonna die saving the world like the hero, the elite pilot I always said I was.

And then Rei saved me…

Nobody protected me.

Nobody was by me.

And now…

Now that I'm useless…

I don't wanna die. I don't wanna let myself disappear.

But there's no other way… not for me…

I can't pilot Eva… I'm useless as a pilot and now… now that I'm… I'm useless as a human being…

I don't need anyone! I don't like anybody!

I… I love you Kaji…

Stop making that face! I don't love you in that 'I want to have your babies' way I always thought, because I know that it's Misato the one that you love like that, and she loves you back.

Any fool could see that miles away.

I know that you will never see me in any way other than an obnoxious little sister, and I think that I was just saying that I loved you to play it safe and not let anyone close…

I don't like boys. I don't like mama or papa!.

But I do… I love you… and Misato, and even that Baka, and that stupid bird of them…

Gott, and now I'm crying… just like I promised I never would… kind of funny, huh? Another failure to add to my long list of failures at life.

Remember what I told you? Back then?

I can live alone.

I don't need daddy or mama.

I'll live alone… I'll die alone…

I won't cry anymore.

Any way, if you get a chance to talk to Misato once you get back, tell her…

…

Tell her that I'm sorry for snapping at her, for being such a bitch with her… even if she never made it any easy on me.

A-and… and tell Ba-Shinji…

…

T-tell Shinji that I- Beep.

You have exceeded the time limit for a voice message. Press one if you wish to re-record it, or two if you wish for your message will be sent to the user's voice mail.

/click./

2

From the bottom of my heart, I wish this would last.

tiptaptip

It was raining.

tiptaptip

How appropriate that it would rain, Asuka thought, smirking to herself, expecting this way to blame the rain for any wetness she felt trailing down her cheeks.

tiptaptip

She kept walking slowly, her cane swiftly going in a wide, forty-five degree arc in front of her, close to the ground but not touching it, walking one short, measured step after another expecting to stop when the end of her cane came into contact with anything that would be an obstacle.

She walked for hours, not really wondering about a direction… she had waited patiently until Shinji had left for school, and had waited for the phone call from Misato and Hikari to tell them she was tired and would get some sleep.

Afterwards, she had waited for another hour, counting silently to thirty-six hundred, her voice reverberating and becoming more and more erratic as she began to get closer and closer to it. She had gotten up and walked the small space to her closet, brushing over her clothes.

Asuka had stopped for a moment as she felt the soft, flimsy silk that she knew by heart made up her yellow sundress, and for a brief moment a small smile graced her lips before it disappeared just as quickly, like when one blows softly against a mirror and watches the condensation evaporate.

Instead, she decided to put on her school uniform.

Asuka found out just how hard it was to get dressed while blind; her fingers brushing against the small buttons, the flimsy cotton of the shirt, the frill of the neck piece as she eased it down… tying the stupid tie as best as she could was hard enough when she was able to see, so she had to try it three or four times before she finally gave up and decided to leave it as it was, but as she finished dressing herself, she patted down on the frill of the jumper skirt before she let out a sigh.

She had lounged away the past days in just her pajamas. The staff at the medical wing tending to her needs and doping her when it was too clear she would go into one of her hysteria-induced episodes.

She could still remember the last images she saw, the sense of despair as she got into the entry plug. Her thoughts, going around and around, circling, focusing.

She was still here, even if she wasn't needed.

She was still here even if she was of no use.

She could still remember her hands tightly gripping the controls, all the useless pulling and yanking that served to no avail as she could not move, did not have the will to move any more.

Instead, the only thing she could do was simply stand there and watch as she saw that circle of diamonds and light turn into a snake like figure and dash towards her at incredible speed, impacting with her head, and the feeling of her nerves and synapses flaring and burning before darkness swallowed her whole.

She woke up feeling the tightness of the cotton wrapping around her head, encasing her eyes in a darkness that was soon to be something very familiar for her.

The first day, one of the staff members had to be taken away with a broken arm and half of his face clawed by the hysterical redhead, trying to lunge at Ritsuko who had tried to break the news as gently as only the blonde doctor could.

'Try' being the operative word, of course, and it was only a matter of seconds before everything escalated from there; denial and anger had been followed so closely, yet seemed so usual for the redhead, that it never crossed anyone's thoughts just before the nurses were able to hold her down before Asuka exploded in fury.

It took several days, as well as drug induced haze for Asuka to come to terms and begin bargaining, before she moved to depression, and finally acceptance.

Afterwards, when she was taken back to the apartment by Misato, she never ventured outside until she was positively sure there was no one around.

She could still remember the whinny, nasal whispers of Shinji trying to get her to open the doors.

She could still remember as she shouted at him to go away.

As she kept walking through the rain as her whole body got wet, as her clothes stuck to her body like a second skin, Asuka kept going straight, marveling at how, for such a big city, there was no one outside right now; no cars, no people… only the soft sound of the water splashing on water as the rain hit the puddles it had formed before.

She wasn't really trying to keep a direction, although navigating in the dark was something she wasn't used to.

Briefly, she remembered telling Shinji weeks ago after a comment at her taking a long road to go back home, although it felt longer than that, that she could find her way from the apartment to school and back with her eyes closed.

Now… now she realized it was so hard to simply force herself to take a step, one at a time, slowly… one foot in front of the other.

She stopped, listening to the soft noises of the water; there was nothing but that soft, depressing sound, like life slowly ebbing away, slowly and inexorably being wasted without so much as a good use, and suddenly, Asuka felt once again the feeling of revolt and retching coming from within her.

She blamed her mother for giving her birth and for dying.

She blamed her father for leaving her and her mother.

She blamed Misato for taking Kaji and blamed Kaji for wanting Misato.

She blamed Shinji and Rei and all of NERV.

She blamed Eva…

But most of all, she blamed herself.

Sobbing now, and not caring if the bitter tears coming from within her lifeless blue eyes became mixed with the rain water, Asuka slumped against something wet and slick and raspy, and her memory told her it was one of those bridges going over a water canal; she could hear the water rumbling, deep and primal, stirring and fighting.

She wished she could have that fight in her again.

She wished she could be who she used to be.

And as she got up and made her way, and then stubbed her toe, letting out a loud cry of pain, Asuka Langley Sohryu wished she could see again.

And that made her depressed.

She never wanted this.

Well, maybe the adulation of the masses; the looks she had gotten once she had set foot in that classroom full of pathetic losers and her best friend and 2 pilots, but that wasn't here nor there, Asuka thought bitterly to herself, before she realized she had lost her walking stick and phone, and groped blindly at the floor, trying to find it, until her fingers grazed the familiar forms of both items very close to the bridge's led-

Splosh.

Asuka muttered another curse and bit another sob when she felt them slip through her wet fingers and fall down to the water, before she allowed herself to sob freely, as she finally reached her breaking point.

She kept clutching the railing with her hands, looking down to the water, facing the empty air with blinded eyes, her body racked with the sobs and the fear and the self loathing as her hands kept a grip on the lower part of the railing, the sounds of the water coming on stronger and clearer to her ears as the smell of it mixed with seaweed and God knew what else came forth..

Let go...

The words rang as clear as if they had been spoken into her ear echoing, reverberating, within the confines of her mind, enticing her, mocking her…

Let go...

She was drenched, miserable, cold and blind. Asuka began to cry softly, as she had imagined she could die in a honorable, valiant way; something befitting her proud status as an Evangelion pilot… but now, faced with the bitter truth, she realized there was no other way the more she thought about it.

She made her way towards what she felt was the middle of the bridge, her hands grasping onto the railing when she finally made her mind.

Asuka…

She was standing on the bridge, in the darkness of her own sight.

Let go, Asuka…

Slowly, she made her way up, and then opened her arms, crying openly as she realized this was as good as it was going to get for her.

Asuka…

She felt in that sudden moment a brief tinge of… something. She felt liberated, and felt the weight that had been hovering ever since she had made this plan lifting finally from her frame.

Asuka…

There was nothing but the soft sound of rain falling on the this part of the world, the loud noises of the water rumbling down… no sound of hurried footsteps, running to catch her in the final second.

Asuka… come to me…

There was no one here; she was alone on the bridge and no one was trying to find her; no one was here to come and take her home; just the echoing sound of her mother's voice calling to her.

Asuka…

Lifting her head once more, feeling as the cold rain washed down her face and throat, Asuka let out another anguished cry, slowly letting herself fall forward, letting go as the rushing sound of the water below drowned everything but the sound of her name.

Asuka…

She uttered one final name; one final prayer and one final hope, and Asuka realized that, even if she thought he'd be here by now, he wasn't coming, and she really couldn't blame him for doing that, after all, she never expected this, any of this to happen.

And so, she let go.

…

3

I like the time we have spend together, the feeling of your hands against mine.

Shinji was having a really lousy day.

It was raining, and he had forgotten his umbrella. Misato hadn't been home and Asuka…

He could still remember the piercing screams of pure pain and agony Asuka wailed when that angel had struck unit 02's face; the scarred visage of the face itself, the circuitry spilling out, flashing bits of sparks illuminating the mechanical implements while the scarred, brown flesh below was burned beyond recognition.

And Shinji had had to stand there, again.

He could remember hearing Asuka's cries and how they boomed that time before and how the pain of them had echoed in the intercom, the blinding light enveloping her, how she held her head in between her hands, her eyes, her whole face making it painfully obvious she was battling with the angel and...

NO!

Don't look inside of me!

Don't look into my mind!

Shinji shuddered once more, as he walked towards the apartment, holding a book on top of his head to keep the water away. He hadn't felt comfortable leaving Asuka alone; she hadn't come out of her room ever since she had been released, and he had left her food outside ever since after she had screamed to be left alone.

He still wasn't sure even with Misato telling him that Section 2 would be looking out for her.

He had first received a look of worry from Hikari, the pigtailed representative informing him that Asuka had said she was tired and wanted to rest, and Shinji had tried to say something; to console or reassure her… but words had never been Shinji's strong point.

Instead, all he could manage was a tepid "I'm sure she's all right."

But Hikari had kept telling him and hounding him, her words coming out like a jumbled mess about how she felt something was wrong and that Asuka hadn't sounded so good; that se hadn't answered the phone and that he should go and look after her, if for anything, because she was his roommate and friend.

Shinji turned to look at the first child, looking out the window, not minding the rain, and, except for the water falling from above, the thunder and lightning and the unusual chilly wind, he could remember seeing her in that exact same position as he had so many months ago, back when he had been summoned here by his father.

Rei turned around and locked eyes with him, ruby red against deep dark blue; for a moment he thought he could see something there… a hint of recognition? Something made him lean forward, opening his mouth slightly already forming the first vowel of her surname before Rei turned around, almost as if someone had pulled an invisible cord and Shinji choked the "A" already forming within him, sitting down and sighing.

It was all wrong.

Misato hadn't come home after all that had been happening, after coming to his side, and talking to him, trying to console him after the death of Rei; Shinji hadn't been sure what she had hinted, but the minute she had placed her hand on top of his, all the feelings of revulsion he felt, of being used, of being tainted, of being sent to the frontlines again and again…

He felt that every single word, every look and touch and flirt had been carefully orchestrated by Misato to ensure his staying to fight.

It had to be, there was no other way.

So Shinji shouted; he asked her to go… to leave him alone.

And Misato did as she was asked.

The days then became a rush; Asuka had woken up, but wasn't allowed out from NERV, Misato had been in the office, only coming to the apartment to bathe and change before disappearing just as silently as she had appeared.

Rei was still dead.

Until Misato ran to his door, a look of joy and a smile on her face as she uttered those words.

She was alive. Ayanami was alive… only he later found out she wasn't… she wasn't the Ayanami he had known, she was a pale replica, a copy…

Only later would he know she was a copy of what.

Now, every time he saw her, he felt sick… physically sick.

"Ikari, why are you doing that?"

"Huh?" He turned to Rei, not sure of what she was asking, wanting to do nothing else but run from her gaze, claw her eyes out and break her neck; he wanted to rip her jaw and clobber her to death with it, hands thick with splattered blood, making her face and body match the color of those ghastly eyes of her and drive his hands into the tender flesh and pull them out with her white entrails in them.

She is an angel after all, why shouldn't he kill her like he had with all the others?

"Doing what?" He forced himself to ask her as calm as he could.

"That…" She gestured to Shinji's clenching and unclenching hand.

And Shinji couldn't help but have a feeling of déjà vu. Something tugging in the far corner of his mind, the picture of a woman just like Rei but with bright green eyes, and chestnut colored hair; gentle smiles and soft words and a soothing aura around her and a name that seemed too hazy yet at the same time began to form and suddenly he was staring at her as if it were the first time he'd seen her in his life and he knew just then and there…

Yui.

Lilith.

"Huh..?" Shinji asked softly and closed his eyes shut, and couldn't help feeling sick, feeling how his stomach convulsed and he wanted to retch right then and there as his mind began to replay…

Red eyes and girly giggles and naked figures dancing in the orange tinted tank.

And She is her mother, and his sister and his father's little mistress and then suddenly they start to wail and cry and dissolve into the nothing that is their true self…

And he can't do anything but remember their girly giggles and unblinking innocent eyes and his mother in that face…

So Shinji ran.

And now, he was walking back to that place of solitude he called home, back to the nothingness and the despair it housed; breeding within like a dark cloud, like a foreboding miasma that seemed to want to swallow him whole.

The rain was falling harder, and the water underneath was rushing fiercer, and just as he was about to take the usual turn he does at the corner of the street to reach the apartment, he saw a flash of red.

Asuka.

And then, just as quickly, it was gone, before a splashing sound was heard.

Shinji ran towards the edge, looking over it and seeing the red hair he knew so well, flailing arms and Asuka's face coming to the surface, trying to stay afloat.

Without thinking, without realizing it, Shinji leapt into the underside of the bridge, not even stopping to consider the water level, and how furious it sounded, like an angry, hungry beast wanting to devour everything and anything in its path, something in the back of his mind told him, made him remember he couldn't swim…

And maybe, he just wasn't caring anymore, unable to shake the feeling that she was dead, and that she going to die.

He saw Asuka's face breaking the surface again, gasping for air, holding onto anything within her grasp, and he saw as her fingers dug deeply into the soft, muddied grass…

And Shinji leapt forward.

He screamed her name, and made a grab at her hands, before she began to be carried away by the strong current again.

He grabbed her hands and then he felt the water dragging her and he clenched his teeth and used all the strength he had to stop it from happening…

Before Shinji was dragged by the water as well.

…

She was underwater, miles beneath the surface, the light swiftly receding. She could see her outstretched arms, could see her red tresses floating around her.

She could feel the water as if it were a living being, vast and formless, becoming a great divide between who she was and what she was and she felt so at peace… felt so… relieved and-

There was something else with her in the dark, something that grabbed her by her ankles and was trying to pull her even deeper... Asuka kicked out desperately with both feet, fighting to get back to the light, but it was no use.

Something, or someone… a fish, or another creature altogether brushed by her, its skin cold against her own, but she couldn't see it, could see nothing except the vast, unmoving blackness, like an inkblot, like a stream of sticky tar that had been spilled against a vast expense, diluting into it, but becoming all the much darker, blacker than the blackest of the nights she could remember… and it was surrounding her.

Then, even the thing that had groped at her was gone, and she was all alone.

In the dark.

She felt panic; a terror so palpable, so real and tangible ripped through her, and she began to thrash around, twisting and turning and flailing at anything in front of her with both hands...

And something grabbed her by her arms.

She turned to look, but couldn't make out anything… couldn't feel anything but the grasp on her wrists, and whomever it was it was slowly enveloping her, making her feel…

She was still underwater, but somehow the dark and cold seemed less frightening this time. Maybe because she could sense that she wasn't alone. There was someone in the darkness with her, someone who didn't mean her any harm.

She didn't know how she knew; but she just did.

Asuka reached out with a hesitant hand, trembling and shaking, as she felt it still all around her, within and without, inside and out… covering, protecting… trying to get something, anything out of the fathomless great divide in front of her… and the water answered it.

It was ageless.

Powerful… inhuman…

And welcoming.

For the first time in a very long while, she felt safe, she felt protected.

Like she could just surrender to the waters around her and…

There was something above her. Asuka sensed it as she opened her eyes and looked up. Darkness was all around her but she could make out a light shining dimly in the distance, faint and white and golden, miles away above her head, and as she focused on it, Asuka frowned.

Was she supposed to try to reach it? It was too far, she would never make it. She would drown first…

The moment that thought entered her mind, the redhead was suddenly aware of her body's raging need for air.

…

By sheer luck, or maybe divine intervention, Shinji's school bag strap had been caught by a piece of something h couldn't make out as the water kept splashing against his face, obscuring his vision and making him choke, preventing him from going further into the current.

So instead, Shinji focused on the girl with him, as he grabbed onto Asuka tightly, his arms around her body, his chest pressing against her back, his legs wrapped tightly around her waist.

Shinji spit some of the water forcing itself into his mouth, before he began to slowly use the lifeline his school bag had become to push himself to the ledge, before another strong undercurrent came and made him loose his grip on Asuka.

He screamed once more, and let go of the strap to clamp down on the unconscious redhead, before on autopilot, his hands went to his waist, his legs holding tightly against her.

He undid his belt and then quickly passed it around Asuka and himself, tying it tightly before he grabbed the strap again, now holding the redhead with one hand and legs, pushing himself against the current, slowly, painfully making his way back to the grassy mound.

Drenched thoroughly and caked in mud, he succeeded in finally pushing Asuka over the water way, and then he flipped himself onto the grass as well, breathing in long, hard gasps, before he heard a ripping sound, and he turned to see the water current had succeeded in breaking the cloth of the strap seconds after both Asuka and himself were safe.

If Shinji had found the presence of mind for it, he would have laughed at the absurdity of it all.

…

Shinji stood like that for quite some time; how long? He couldn't say; minutes… hours perhaps… however much it was, he finally lay down the girl softly and decided to walk a little downstream to see if he could find his book bag and get his phone to call Misato or anyone to come and help him.

He was greeted by only the sound of running water, his bag no where in sight. Sighing to himself, Shinji walked back to Asuka who had began to stir awake.

"Asuka…" Shinji whispered softly, looking at the closed eyes of the redhead and Asuka could hear the fear in his voice. "Asuka… are you all right?"

The redhead answered by stirring and coughing up the water she had swallowed, getting on all fours and looking down as Shinji, unsure of what to do, how to react or what to say simply stood there, watching her cough and sob and cough some more… the wrecking tremors of her body mixing with the sound of the water still raining from the sky.

Shinji looked around, suddenly noticing they were still near the water ledge and got up, kneeling next to Asuka.

"Do you want me to hel-" He began in that way he always did; unsure at first, and overly accommodating, always trying to quench his own feelings of being useless by helping in any way he could.

"No." Asuka said tiredly, bitterly, getting up on shaky feet but not opening her eyes. "I can do fine by myself."

"Asuka, what happened? Are you all ri-" He never had a chance to finish, his words stopping in his mouth as if some invincible barrier prevented them from coming out before he let out a surprised gasp as Asuka lashed out, punching blindly at where Shinji was but never getting too close to him.

Shinji simply saw her fist sailing past him but it made him recoil and jump back, falling on his ass as Asuka landed head first.

"You idiot…" Asuka said softly, her voice not louder than a breathed whisper, feral and angry and hurt as she stood there clutching the soft, wet grass with her fist as she turned to look to the ground. "You goddamn idiot."

"Asuka what's the matter why are you like th-"

"Why did you have to be here? Why you of all the people? WHAT IS IT WITH YOU!" Asuka screamed, raw and unbridled as she launched herself again at the sound of his voice, falling several meters next to Shinji.

"Why can't you let me go?"

"Asuka, what's the matter?" Shinji said in panic as the redhead stood like that, her hands going whiter still as she kept clawing at the mud, never looking up from the ground. "Why are you doing this?"

"WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SAVE ME?"

She came at him again, hitting and screaming, but not making much of a dent, as Shinji looked at her before the realization that she had planned this all hit him like a ton of bricks.

"Why does it have to be you?"

Shinji stood there as Asuka crashed into him, and she started to slap at him, hitting his shoulders with her fist.

"Why is it always you? Why do you have to be here with me and not someone else?"

He tried to cover himself first, but her punches were sloppy and weak and pretty soon she was simply flailing at him, sobbing and resting her head against his shoulder as she cried over and over, asking again and again the same question.

Why.

The redhead was still fighting to get loose, but her efforts were weaker now; she was shaking, trembling and exhausted and Shinji could feel her breath, ragged and jagged and fluttering, making her entire body shake more.

Shinji grabbed her wrist to stop her as both slid down to their knees and he finally saw her face, and got a look at her eyes, and their complete and utter blankness; The way they weren't focused on him and the way they didn't follow his every movement. Almost as if...

Shinji let go of her abruptly and slid backwards, stunned.

Blind?

He must have said the word out loud because her shoulders sagged, all the fight abruptly going out of her. Asuka collapsed, sitting back against the grass, sobbing uncontrollably, shaking and crying and whimpering as if whatever it had been that had made her hold up simply vanished, leaving behind an empty husk of what used to be a beautiful, combative, stubborn but spirited young woman.

Shinji looked at her in disbelief, before Asuka dropped her head, no longer meeting his gaze. There was a long moment of silence, before she spoke in a weary tone.

"Yes, I'm blind." She said hollowly and with bitterness, looking at him but not, and Shinji found out he could not feel anything else for the girl but pity.

Pity and…

"Happy now?"

"Wh- What? How?" Shinji asked as he tried to process what had happened, the realization and the truth hitting him at once. "It was that angel… right?"

"Yes." Asuka said finally after a beat, getting up and holding her hand in front of her, her eyes still focused on some distant point only she could see. "So here I am…no longer a match for the invincible Shinji. I'm no longer used as a pilot, no longer of use to NERV."

"B-but… I mean, have Dr. Akagi said anything ab-"

"We had been down that road before you even knew idiot." Asuka said hotly. "I'm blind, there's no magical solution, no way I can regain my sight. I'm useless…"

"Don't say that." Shinji whispered, walking in front of Asuka. "You're not useless." He continued, placing his hand on her shoulder. "You are-"

"I'M WHAT?" Asuka shouted again, shrugging Shinji's hand from her. "DON'T GIVE ME YOUR PITY! I'D RATHER DIE THAn HAVE THAT FROM ANY ONE!"

"WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING THAT?" Shinji shouted back, grabbing Asuka by her forearms and shaking the girl a bit.

"Why do you care?" Asuka whispered bitterly before another sob crashed against her chest. "You can go on and tell me I finally got what I deserved…"

"I never thought that." Shinji muttered. "You might have been rude, and you might have picked on me, but I never wanted for any of this to happen." He said with an afterthought, as the last words came from him without him realizing it.

Asuka laughed bitterly at that. "That makes at least two of us, then."

"What about Misato?"

"Misato came after the fight and just held me, and I was so doped out of it to do or say anything." Asuka muttered as she walked in small, slow steps towards the sound of Shinji's voice, her hand still stretched out front of her and moving in a sweeping motion as she frowned.

Shinji debated between grasping her hand to steer her towards him before she finally made contact with Shinji's chest and grabbed onto him before the boy could walk back and put some space between them.

"She came and cried and told me how sorry she was for me and then she left to be with you." The bitterness in her voice was palpable… it came out of her in waves of disappointment and regret.

"She probably thought you needed some comfort after the doll died protecting me, after you went out to protect her." She panted out, grabbing tightly against Shinji.

Shinji winced as she spat out her last words. "A-Asuka, I wasn't… I told father and he said I wasn't allowed to go." Shinji stopped, frowning as Asuka stared intently at him with angry, vacant and unblinking eyes.

"Besides, when I went to you afterwards you pushed me away."

"I told you I didn't want anybody's pity." Asuka grounded the words. "Least of all you."

She pushed him away and walked towards the sound of the water.

"A-Asuka…" Shinji said going after her, grabbing her arm. "The apart-"

Slap!

Shinji stood there, clutching his face as Asuka simply stared there.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" She screamed at him, hysterically. "DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME! YOU TOUCH ME AGAIN AND I'LL KILL YOU!"

Shinji simply stared at her before Asuka's face became devoid of color and she started to fall towards him.

"I should have died then."

Those were the last words uttered by Asuka as she fell, and Shinji simply stood there, holding the unconscious body of his roommate, a look of shock on his face.

…

Shinji threaded carefully into the apartment, as Asuka simply stared lifelessly in front.

"I… let me get the water running for you." Shinji said softly as he eased Asuka into a chair, disappearing into the bathroom, returning shortly and putting a warm towel around Asuka's shoulders, slowly toweling her hair dry..

"Why?"

Shinji turned to Asuka who hadn't moved.

"W-well, you might catch a cold or somet-"

"No." Asuka said in a small voice. "Why are you helping me?"

"I… I mean…" Shinji said unsure, letting out a sigh. Before he noticed the vapor coming out of the bathroom.

"Bath's ready." Shinji said simply, before placing a hand around Asuka's shoulders. "Let me help you."

"Yeah… now's your chance… you'll be able to undress me and bathe me, do all those perverted things you have always dreamed of doing to me." Asuka whispered snidely, making Shinji stop.

"I'm blind after all…"

"Stop it."

"It's the perfect excuse…"

"Asuka, please…"

"I'm helpless and at your mercy an-"

"WHY DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP SAYING THOSE THINGS ABOUT ME?"

Asuka kept quiet while Shinji panted out after venting his frustration. After moment or two, Shinji simple led the blind girl into the bathroom and closed the door, feeling his heart break with each sob Asuka took.

…

"So, if you need anything, just tug from this string…" Shinji finished lamely as he placed the end of a thin cotton thread around Asuka's hand. "And like this, I can come as soon as I feel you tugging and bring you what you need."

Asuka said nothing, simply resting on her side, her back to him.

"So… just, you know… let me know."

Asuka kept silent, and Shinji shuffled towards the door after standing there for several minutes, waiting for a word from the redhead.

He was halfway through the door when he heard Asuka's pathetic, soft whimpers, and for a moment he stopped, debating between saying something, anything… but again the words seemed to choke him, becoming a lump of cement and mortar, not being able to pass from his throat.

As he closed the door softly, still hearing Asuka's sobs, Shinji felt his legs give away, as he rested his back against Asuka's bedroom door, the wooden plank feeling like an AT field; an impenetrable, inexpugnable barrier between Asuka and him.

He idly noticed the soft pressure of the thin, red thread against his finger, and then he let his head fall, touching his forehead with his knees, rocking himself silently to sleep.

…

Asuka kept staring at the place where she remembered the ceiling was, wondering if it had changed anything since she had last seen it, if there had been any new cracks, or a new wet spot from filtered water.

She realized for the hundredth time she was going to have to spend the rest of her life like this, depending on others, not being able to be useful anymore; a burden for anyone who would take her, and she suddenly felt ill at the notion of having to depend on anyone else; it had already been bad enough to depend on Misato, always looking out for Shinji first, and if there was any time afterwards, for her… always taking a perverse pleasure in antagonizing the redheaded girl.

"Someone should take you down a peg or two." Misato had shouted angrily several days before everything had happened, and she had retorted that it was a miracle for Misato to even remembered she existed, all of her time simply devoted to the well being of Shinji, precious little Shinji.

Asuka tossed around, hoping for those memories to leave, but as with all those other memories of herself, of her childhood and her mother, they kept flowing forward, like a dam full to the brim before all the water held in exploded out.

Outside, Shinji let out an anguish sigh. His eyes, opened as wide as they could were staring at the dark ceiling of the hallway, wondering what was Asuka doing inside.

He got up and walked towards the kitchen, passed the small storage closet down the hall and poured himself a glass of water, unsure of how to approach the matter.

It wasn't until felt the soft pull of his finger, when he noticed the thread he had tied around his finger was being pulled faintly.

With a bit of trepidation, Shinji made his way to the door of her room, his hand hovering a little over it.

"H-hey?" He said, softly tapping on the door.

A still silence answered him.

Shinji frowned at the door, before once again rapping softly at it. "Hey, are you there..?"

Still silence, and Shinji squinted at the door, suddenly wishing he could somehow see through it, wondering if Asuka was imply sitting there, her back and head resting against the door.

Or maybe she had her head on her knees, and she was crying softly like she had done before, and he heard it… the faint sound of sobbing on the other side of the door; sobbing he had heard before, a very familiar sound that always seemed to be able to break his heart.

"H-hey…" He began slowly, "Are you all right?"

Asuka never answered, and Shinji tired again.

"A-Asuka… do you want me to come in?" Still after all those times he had done so he could never bring himself to ask the question without some mild stammering from his part.

Asuka stood up and felt her way around her room, her feet coming in contact with bundles of clothes and underwear, shoes and socks and she held her breath, resting her head against the door, debating for a moment on saying something simply to make Shinji go away.

Instead she opened the door slowly.

"Are you all right?"

Asuka muttered to herself; He was never around… now, how come all of a sudden he was by her side like a goddamn guardian angel?

"Yeah. I just need to use the bathroom."

"Uh, is there anything I can help you with?"

Dammit. She was so close to making fun of him, of telling him if he wanted to come in and watch her pee like the damn Hentai he was, if he wanted to wipe her clean…

But Asuka found all of her fighting spirit was gone, instead it had been replaced by and endless, cold void that mad her only manage a subdued "No." before she closed the door.

Inside, Asuka brought her hand to her eyes, and fought down the tears that threatened to come out. She was strong, dammit! She was supposed to be much more than this! She should have…

Died.

Asuka stared blindly in front of her when her hand touched the mirror, imagining the display, hair all tumbled, fresh out of bed, maybe wearing mismatching socks and shirts, and she felt almost tempted to laugh at the sheer idiocy and surrealism of the thoughts before she felt her eyes welling again, fresh tears threatening to come out.

Until she pushed the mirror away and she felt her fingers brushing against the bottles inside, grabbing one and rattling the pills it held inside.

Then, she twisted the cap open and took a handful into her mouth.

Minutes later, Shinji opened the door slowly to find her breathing faintly, face down in a pool of her own spit and foaming at the mouth.

He never realized when he ran to the living room and screamed into the line for someone to come and help.

…

"Shinji brought her." Makoto said without preamble, opening the door for Misato to allow her to enter. "According to the report from Section 2, he found her inside the bathroom with a half emptied bottle of pills besides her."

Misato was about to ask why she had done it, but thought better of it; instead she settled for a calm and collected, if somewhat cold "Was her stomach pumped?"

"Yeah, she's still unconscious." Makoto said softly. "Shinji also mentioned something about how Asuka had fallen earlier today into a river underpass and almost drowned."

"I guess she was too stubborn to accept the walking cane." Misato joked lamely, trying to lighten up the mood.

"According to Shinji, she tried to commit suicide." Makoto said without trying to sound like he was chiding his superior for an ill placed joke. "That's twice counting the pills today, and a third time if you also count that time during her observation."

Misato looked at the girl, IV drips on her arms and EKG's beeping at a steady rhythm; she was breathing calmly, eyes closed and for a moment, Misato fought the impulse to run her fingers through her hair to gently wake her up and tell her so many things.

Things she should have said back when she met her again, but due to Asuka's abrasive personality, and her own inability to successfully be more than a commanding officer to her were always left unsaid.

And Misato contemplated for a moment how much of it had been due to Asuka's childish crush with Kaji, and her own blatant favoritism with Shinji, and her own inability at being an adult.

And now, as she stared at the girl she had known back then, at what had become of her, and at what was happening to Shinji and herself, Misato couldn't help but feel sorry for all three of them.

"So physically, she's fine…" Misato said, forcing those feelings back while checking her clipboard, before checking her vital signs, focusing on the matter at hand with the cold efficiency of her military training; she was down to two pilots… one if she was realistic about Rei, and still not sure of how many angels were left.

"Other than the obvious, that is." Makoto said, not really knowing if there was anything else to say; he simply waited for the major to come to grips with the information he had been able to get for her.

"Then what's the matter?" Misato said tiredly, frowning at Asuka, lying in bed as if she were simply sleeping from exhaustion. "If she's fine, and there's nothing else, why won't she wake up?"

"I can't say." Makoto said tiredly, taking his glasses and nervously wiping them clean with a handkerchief. "I really can't; the psychiatrist reports mention it might have to do with a depression due to the combination of her synch ratio dropping and her blindness."

"Where is Ritsuko?" Misato said angrily. "Shouldn't she be here taking care of this?"

"According to Maya, Dr. Akagi has been separated from her duties pending an investigation of sorts."

"What?" Misato said in shock. "On who's authority?" She asked hurriedly, a faint tremor as she guessed who had done it.

"Commander Ikari." Makoto said gravely. "In the meantime, Maya is handling all of what pertains to project E."

"So what do we do now?"

Makoto extracted a print out from within the pages, placing it on top before he showed it to Misato.

"Apparently the arrangements have already been made; I managed to extract this from Maya's station when she stepped out for a while."

Misato snatched the page from Makoto's extended hand, scanning it quickly.

"The fifth… where is he coming from? When was he dispatched?"

Makoto looked down, noticing the stark whiteness of Asuka's bed sheets.

"I… really wasn't able to find out. All I know is that the fifth child should be arriving today, if he isn't already in town."

Misato sighed before she turned around and exited the room, followed closely by Makoto, none saying anything; Misato thinking of whom else to go to get information on the new pilot.

…

Kaworu Nagisa whistled softly as he neared the door, a faint smile on his lips. He had made contact with the savior and the pawn, and had smiled as they had been so in the dark about their nature.

He opened the door and walked into the room, before he stopped in front of Asuka watching as his mere presence seemed to make her restless, making her twist and turn before she ended up resting on her left side.

"The second child, Asuka Langley Sohryu."

Her only response was to moan a name in her drug induced sleep.

Kaworu stopped, staring at her with a grim look on his eyes. "You have been weighted, and you have been measured, and right now, judgment has been passed and you have been found unworthy."

He grabbed her shoulder and pushed her, rolling her onto her back, and in doing so, Asuka's shirt popped open, her breast bare for his eyes.

A look that was a mixture between surprise and repulsion flashed in his red eyes.

"Lovely, but it won't do you any good." He smirked down. "Not unless your champion comes to save you."

He turned back, walking towards the door as he waved his hand in a farewell manner.

"I will see you in the final judgment. Fare well, Asuka Langley Sohryu."

The beeps of the machines monitoring Asuka in her sleep were the only answer he got before the door slowly closed behind him.

…

4

I love you.

It's a new dawn for a new year.

The day is the 1st

The month is January.

The year is 2016 AD.

The hour is irrelevant.

The place is Tokyo-3.

The event is the complementation of the human souls; the Instrumentality of Humanity is beginning.

May God have mercy for our souls and sins.

…

"Shinji...from here on you're on your own." Misato spoke in a slow and labored breathing as they continued walking towards the hangar bay with the pressure, the knowledge of a life or death situation; of knowing that on any turn a soldier, a gun, a knife or something else might be waiting for them.

"You have to make the decisions by yourself; without anyone's help."

"I... I can't do it." Shinji said slowly, as it became clearer and painful and just so overbearing that he was in way over his head, and once again he cursed that damned letter and that damn photo…

He cursed when he had lunged forward to save Rei and when he had laid eyes for the first time on A-

"I just can't…. I can't pilot Eva if it means I'm going to hurt or even kill other people." He started in a low moan, realizing once and for all that what has happened has happened because of him, and knowing on a instinctual level, in some way he is to be the centerpiece of this whole farce, the realization hitting him like a ton of bricks.

"I have no right to do that. I thought that piloting Eva was my only choice... but I was just fooling myself. I don't understand anything - I'm not worthy to pilot Eva. There's nothing that I can do for other people!"

And he started to jerk and tremble, falling on his knees and the weight of the world is so heavy on his fragile shoulders

HOW IN THE WORLD AM I SUPPOSED TO CARRY ON? TO CONTINUE AND FIGHT AND-

"I've done terrible things to Asuka."

And his right hand began clenching into a fist, his nails digging deep into his palm.

"And even killed Kaworu..."

And he was feeling the fragile structure of his body like a ghostly echo on his right hand again; the hand that had been tainted and heavy and he realized it was the same hand that crippled Toji and was the one that had mas-

"There isn't a shred of kindness in me! Only dishonesty and cowardice..." He said, sobbing now. "If I can only hurt people, then I'd rather not do anything at all!"

He could hear her voice and it hurt so much. So very, very much.

"I'm not going to feel sorry for you." Misato's hand slammed heavily against the metal near his head and he started to tremble again; out of fear and anxiety and pain.

A pain so deep, so profound it felt like a black hole at the center of his chest growing and swallowing every shred of decency and humanity he had, every word and every syllable feeling like another stab and how much longer was it going to take?

Why couldn't he just die?

"If you don't want to be hurt, then just die without doing anything at all!"

He started to cry like a child because the pain became so much.

It was unbearable; like walking on hot sand and knowing there is no water nearby, but even if he where to stay put, the sand was still burning at his feet and he felt tired of walking and there was not another step he could take and the tears started to flow out of Shinji's eyes; tears for himself and for Kaworu and Toji and his mother and Rei and Misato and A-

"Crying won't help you now!" Misato shouted, making Shinji grab his head and start to quiet down his cries into sobs but it still hurt so much and he still couldn't understand…

What is it that you want from me?

Misato's tone became gentler and soothing; like she was dabbing his body in milk and honey to quell and quench away his aches; bring tranquility, calm, ease, or comfort…

"You hate yourself, right? That's why you hurt other people... because you know that hurting other people is more painful than hurting yourself."

And Shinji could only nod his head and not say anything else.

"But, no matter what happens, remember that it was your decision… and that makes it worthwhile, Shinji." Misato paused, trying to find out the best way to make him understand she needed him to have the will to go on and-

"Because you decided by yourself! So stop lying to yourself... think about what you can do... And then live with your decisions."

"But you're... you're not me!" Shinji screamed, spent and tired and hurt and he just wanted to give up; to curl up and die.

He wanted peace; he wanted to stop the pain from coming.

"You don't understand anything about ME!!"

Misato then slammed Shinji against the gate, and he trembled and began to sob again and Why can't she understand that I just want for it all to end?

Just to end it…

Just to put a bullet in his brain like that man was about to, just so he could-

"So what if I'm not fucking you!?" Misato snarled harshly and Shinji blinked. "Are you just going to give up now!? If you stay here and do nothing, I won't forgive you! I'll NEVER forgive you!!"

And just for a moment, he could swear it was not Misato but Asu-

And now Misato was clutching his shoulders, forcing him to look into her eyes and he could see the desperation, he could taste the anxiety as something palpable; something that's coming out of her every pore.

It was showing and permeating into her face, showing in her eyes, and her tone changed to desperation.

"Nobody's perfect." She said in a little gasp, choking on a sob in her throat and why couldn't he understand that he was their only hope? That he is her only hope?

"You realize that you've made a mistake, and then regret it..." She tried to smile through it all and blink away the tears and pressed her throat to not let that small sob escape…

Because then it would all have been for naught.

"That's all I've ever known. Nothing but empty happiness and hating myself. But..." Misato paused before she continued.

"I feel like I always grew from the experience." She whispered gently, easing herself into Shinji's face, tilting his head through his chin, making him see her almost as if it were the first time he was seeing her again.

"Listen, Shinji…" She said softly, and for a moment she wasn't Misato, his commanding officer; she wasn't Misato, his legal guardian.

She was Misato.

She's funny and a slob and can't cook to save her life.

She was Misato and he could remember when she smiled and she was happy and teasing, he could feel this warmth spreading through his body slowly as he began to remember her as the mother he never had, the older sister who took care of him, the guardian and commander and friend and partner in crime and-

"Pilot Eva once more and find yourself." She was pleading, and Shinji could not look away.

"Pilot Eva to face the questions of why did you come here, and why are you here…"

She placed her hands below his jaw and on the crock of his neck and stared with all the intensity and purpose and pride she could muster.

And if it weren't for the brown color in them, he would swear it was Asuka who was looking at him now through half lidded eyes.

"Find your own answers." She whispered into him, in a delicate, almost intimate manner. "And then... after finding yourself... come back to me."

Misato had taken her cross from herself and was now pushing it into Shinji's trembling fingers, not giving him a moment to stop and think and feel and-

"It's a promise. Now, go."

And suddenly Misato's face was in front of him, moving ever so slowly, inching towards him, her lips softly touching his own before he felt her tongue delicately parting his lips, kissing Shinji deeply; her sultry voice echoing in his head, reverberating along with his lips and why did she-

"That's a grownup kiss." She smiled painfully at him. "We'll do the rest when you get back…"

He saw in slow motion as she pushed him forward into the waiting elevator car, before he could see the faint glimmer and then, afterwards, feel the shock of an explosion before he began to cry once he realized that now Misato was dead.

…

He could hear her panting; frenetic, exhilarated.

He could almost picture her in his mind's eye smiling, that triumphant smirk that always seemed to grace her face as she stared down the enemies in front of her.

"Shinji…SHINJI!!"

The desperation was clear in Maya's voice… she was trying hard not to cry, he could hear the faint strain of the emotions, raw and powerful against her delicate throat as she tried to convey her message through the loudspeakers.

"Shinj!! Eva-02… Asuka is-!!"

He couldn't help but feel a faint stir in his chest, like someone trying to gently tug at the memories in an effort to make him move; to act, to do something other than to feel sorry for himself.

But there was nothing that he could do now. He sighed, forcing the image of brown gentle eyes, of soft touches and searing kisses and promises meant to be broken just like her body, and he could no longer care…

They were all dead.

Mother.

Rei.

Kaworu.

Misato.

Asuka.

"Even if I wanted too, I can't…" He whispered, sliding down the wall with his knees resting against his forehead.

He could no longer stare ahead…

He could no longer care.

"The Eva… it's no use…"

I wish they all would just die. He thought bitterly, abandoning all hope after he had entered those damn doors, before Unit 01 broke free of the hardened bakelite, clutching him in it's hand, picking him up with a delicacy so unnatural to the purple behemoth, As Shinji could only gape and ask:

"Mother!?"

Before he saw in a flash the enemy in a clear mockery of what they were; the Evas, all white with great wings that flap and they could almost resemble angels…

Were it not for their faces, similar to those of slugs; eyeless and devoid of any way of telling what they were feeling save for the grinning, mocking, mouth that was full of gnawing teeth and those lips that seemed to be smiling down at him, at his own expense, like they were waiting for a cruel joke to take place, already knowing the punch line beforehand, but choosing to still smile their stupid, teeth baring smile against him.

"Asuka…"

Before he saw the mangled corpse of what used to be Unit 02, floating lifelessly in the lake… and he let out a blood curling scream.

…

She was again deep in that ocean that shifted colors from the darkest blue and violet into a bright orange and red.

Fear tore through her; she didn't belong here, she wasn't supposed to be here… she didn't want to let go, she had to fight it… had to get to the surface... or die.

Fighting down the fear welling up inside of her, Asuka began to move her arms, swimming upward with determination, focused on the distant light she could see through her blindness.

Around her she sensed consternation, concern… and something else…

Something else from whoever was nearby, but she ignored it.

It wasn't important. Nothing was. Only reaching the surface...

The light was too far away, and Asuka knew she wasn't going to make it. Her lungs were already burning… her heart pounding… her limbs weakening…

And she was being pulled down again, deeper and deeper and deeper, preventing her escape, while claws and talons slashed at her, making her inside bleed, and feeling her entrails spill.

Asuka struggled desperately, risking a quick look at the darkness below; it was powerful and endless, and she knew that if she gave into it she would be lost.

Forever.

With one final, desperate lunge, she threw her hand up; noticing or remembering from sensor memory the outline clearly against the bright light...

... before something solid hit it, and Asuka's eyes flew open and met only darkness and pain.

Her hand felt broken, splintered down the middle while the right side of her head exploded in white blinding pain, and she clutched at her eye.

Suddenly the terror from the dream became real. She was trapped in the dark, couldn't see, couldn't...

Asuka…

That voice… that voice…she knew it well; knew it from somewhere…

It was calm and soothing and it made her relax, calming her even while her mind kept telling her to fight, to flay her limbs and kick and grunt and do something, anything…

Asuka felt the feeling of warm hands on her body, and something told her to fight this; she was naked, she was blind, she was vulnerable beyond what she would allow herself to be.

But she couldn't muster the strength to fight anymore.

She could feel she was being lifted, she could feel she was moving, but it all felt like a haze, like a dream one has when delirious and feverish; so real that for a second she thought it was actually taking place, before she found herself in the darkness.

Again.

…

5

I'm crazy about you…

Asuka opened her eyes, facing the familiar blackness of her dead eyes, but there was something wrong, there was someone else.

"It's good to see you are without harm, Asuka Langley Sohryu."

That voice… she had heard it before… she had heard it in the past, but there was a different tone on it; he sounded calm, and happy for some reason.

"Who the hell are you?"

"Please allow me to introduce myself, I am the final messenger of them all." He said while taking a bow, even when he knew she wouldn't see it, but one had to follow proper etiquette after all

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Asuka said as she walked to the sound of the voice, hands reaching out, her mouth opened in a sneer, her patience wearing thin. "Who the hell are you!?"

"I was made from the charred remains of the father of your kind, and the fool who sought to wake him up."

"Stop talking in such goddamn riddles and give me an answer!" Asuka snarled as she threw a punch before she felt thin and long fingers closing around her wrists like manacles made of flesh, unyielding, and she threw another sloppy punch that was easily caught as well by the voice's hands.

"You are a broken soul, not really capable of anything right now." His voice felt like a scratchy surface against her face, and she clenched her eyes to try and block the sound away.

"You yearn for death and the freedom it will grant you, yet you are afraid of the step you need to take." She felt pain in her arms, her shoulders suddenly like they were on fire, itching, feeling the muscles and sinew cut in a fine way, like a hot knife cutting against a piece of butter, easily slicing the flesh and letting the bone bare.

"You lost your will to the might of the creator." The thin, papers cutting into her, and she felt his searing hot hand on her neck, before she felt something thick, oozing out of her wounds, before she felt her head falling to the feet of the voice.

"That made you realize how fallible and fragile you truly were."

She was back again, whole and in pain, clutching at her arms, at her shoulders; sobbing and retching. "Shut up."

The voice sounded clearer now, as if it were circling her, sizing her but still talking in a soft, rhetorical way. In her mind images began to flash; white blinding light, the pain of her childhood and her mother's death.

"Then, when you saw the vision of him, you came in contact with the filth that plagues your dreams, and then when he judged you, you were blinded to be cast away like a useless doll."

The sick smile, the vacant eyes, the slow swinging of the body, neck broken and tongue lolling and that horrible, mocking face made of yarn, with blue buttons and red thread and that smirk sown into her face.

"SHUT UP!"

"Mene… Mene." His hand was in her head, before he clutched her hair and forcefully made her face up. "Tekel… Parsin."

"Who are you?" Asuka sobbed, her hands clutching her temples, grabbing at his hand.

"Kaworu Nagisa." The voice said in a soft, melodious tone. "Pleased to meet you."

"Wh-where am I?"

"In the trial."

"What trial?" Asuka asked getting to her feet, hands stretched in front of her. "What do you mean?"

"This is the crux of everything… humanity, all of it, right now hangs in the balance." The voice, Nagisa, said simply, as if it were something so logical any new born would be able to see and understand.

"Right now, a boy is battling for all of you lilim."

"What do you mean a boy?" Asuka asked, getting up, facing in the general direction Kaworu was. "Who? Shinji?"

"Yes. A boy sent to the slaughter by his own father, not unlike one sent eons ago." Somehow, it sounded as if he shrugged in an unapologetic way. "The trial of humanity has begun, and he is facing his last test, undergoing the trial."

"I want to see what's happening!"

Kaworu let out a short, sharp chuckle, almost like a bark. "Yes, well that is the point… if he succeeds, humanity will be spared… he will be given power over sickness and health, life and death."

"What do you mean?" She asked cautiously

"If the trial is passed by Ikari then you'll get your eyesight back and every one will live."

"H-he could… Wait! how would that idiot do that?" She asked trying to hide the hope in her voice, masking it with the rudeness of her question. "He can't even do anything on his own without being told to do so instantly saying he's sorry."

"I see you don't think of him as much of a savior." Nagisa answered back, and the voice, while still carrying on that fluttering tune, like a humming bird flying around, sounded less mirthless, more pointed. "Surely someone as you would hope for him to actually deliver you all."

Almost as if he was angry at her.

"And if he doesn't?" The fain tremor of fear and doubt in her voice, almost as if she knew the answer before hand, didn't go unnoticed to Kaworu who simple smiled.

"You all die."

"What!?"

"You all die." Kaworu repeated himself patiently. "Humanity's worth will be weighted on the soul of this fragile boy you loved to torment."

He paused for a second, enjoying the utter disbelief in Asuka's face. "Why? Don't you have faith in him?" He asked silkily.

The redheaded girl ignored him, moving forward as she tried to sort out her surroundings, but not finding anything but a vastness, and enormous space spreading in front of her.

"Where am I?" She asked, turning slowly.

"Inside Ikari's mind."

"WHAT!?"

"This is the complementation of humanity as a whole; the Human Instrumentality Project. All are one and one is all." Kaworu said smoothly, like a river running placidly over small, round and smooth pebbles, and he stifled a laugh. "You are but one of many who will see what goes inside his mind, to see the trials he has faced, the choices he will make."

"And where is Shinji?" Asuka asked through gritted teeth, beginning to feel annoyed.

Kaworu paused, as if consulting something. "Currently he's still being tested."

For a moment Asuka debated throwing a punch at him, feeling aggravated. Was he toying with her? She really couldn't tell; maybe this was all a nightmare from something she ate that didn't really agreed with her stomach; something that idiot had, without a doubt cooked.

But still, it felt so real; this felt so real… And the voice seemed to be making fun of her, and she suddenly felt the urge to punch him again, to express in action the fear and rage and hurt and countless, nameless other feelings mixing together right now within her, to make physical all of what she was feeling mentally and spiritually.

But she chose not to; she might have wanted nothing more than to follow that silky, melodious voice of his and punch his face with all her strength, but she needed information after all, and he was the only one who could give it to her.

So she decided through gritted teeth that she might as well try to be polite.

She could always beat him to within an inch of his life after learning what she needed to know.

"But he's doing rather poorly." Kaworu said afterwards, looking at her like a hungry, ravenous beast would a hurt and helpless prey, his voice changing sounds, almost as if the placid river from before had now been overrun by the angry waters of a sea storm.

"What do you mean?"

"He is supposed to be your savior, to deliver you from a fate some might argue is worse than death, but he is no savior; he is a sham… by facing and conquering all of man's weaknesses, the savior became the perfect model for your lives; he sacrificed himself not only on the cross, but throughout his life. He struggled to do the Creator's will, without ever giving in to the temptations of the flesh… but this one has failed so far."

Asuka stood speechless, before she found her voice again, opening her mouth, not sure of what to say, but before she could voice her opinion, a voice interrupted her.

"The savior rejected his temptations in favor of freedom, but he misjudged human nature."

Asuka turned to the new voice, loath and rage filling her mouth like foam on a rabid dog's jaw.

"Rei!"

"I am she." The voice answered calmly. "Yet not."

"What!?"

"I am Lilith."

Before Asuka had a chance to comprehend what Rei's voice had said, Kaworu's voice echoed, breaking into a song of joy, the mirth in his voice palpable.

"Dark is she, but brilliant! Black are her wings, black on black! Her lips are red as rose, kissing all of the Universe!"

He placed his hand on Asuka's face and immediately she saw a blinding, searing flash of white.

"Open your eyes and gaze at her perfection. She is Lilith, who leadeth forth the hordes of the Abyss, and leadeth man to liberation!"

Asuka opened her eyes and saw the diaphanous images of pasty, ghastly white as Rei stood as she always had, impassible and stoic.

Besides her an androgynous looking boy with hair the color of burned ashes, eyes just as red as Rei's.

"She is the irresistible fulfiller of all lust, seer of all desire." Kaworu kept praising, as he slid behind Rei and placed a hand on her waist, pulling her into him and Rei closed her eyes, moaning sensuously at the touch. "First of all women was she… Lilith, not Eve, was the first! Her hand brings forth the revolution of the will and true freedom of the mind!"

"I am Lilith, Queen of the Magic." Rei –or Lilith- exclaimed in calmness. "Look onto me in lust and despair."

Asuka stared at both teens, noticing their nakedness and turning around., covering herself in sham as she realized she too was naked.

"What the hell is the meaning of this!?" Asuka exclaimed. "And what did you do to me?"

"She gave you back your sight."

"Why!?" Asuka asked with trepidation, a haunted look on her face.

"Because you must see to comprehend." Rei stated simply, before an image of Shinji began to flash again; Shinji as an infant, building a pyramid on a sandbox in a deserted playground, echoing voices of other children wafting through the air.

She saw as a phantom image of herself flashed in Shinji's mind, sating the words she usually said to him.

Jeeez! I get so pissed off whenever I look at you!

"Because I'm like you...?" Shinji asked quietly to her voice, and Asuka felt compelled to respond, but couldn't find her own voice forthcoming.

She saw an image of herself as an infant, clutching a tattered monkey doll… crying, calling for her mother. She saw herself back during the synchronization exercise, falling down onto the futon next to Shinji at night, watching as he watched her, taking in on her form; his eyes going from her cleavage and chest to her face and lips.

"Ma... ma..."

Before she saw him staring at Misato's cross, repeating the same words.

"Mama?"

She saw as Shinji watched Misato with Kaji in a room like the one she had, filled with discarded instant food containers and tin cans, while she pushed Kaji to her bed, cooing him, enticing him to spend the day with her, slowly, teasingly taking off her own shirt and jeans, standing in front of him in just her bra and panties as Kaji tired to reason with her, telling her they had classes to attend, essays to deliver…

Before Misato kissed him hungrily, fumbling with one hand before she unbuckled his belt while simultaneously ripping his shirt open, buttons popping free everywhere on the room as she disposed of her bra and panties before she began to-

Asuka looked away as the sounds of moans and gasp, the squeaking of the mattresses and the head board banging against the wall echoing on the room.

"How stupid!" Asuka muttered angrily, standing next to Shinji who kept looking with a dispassionate look on his eyes. "It's just two lonely adults comforting each other."

But her voice sounded uncertain, curiosity sneaking up on her. She wondered briefly how it would feel to be needed, even if it was only physical; before Misato's voice echoed her thoughts.

"I feel wanted, and that makes me happy." Asuka, gasped, before she turned and looked at Misato with a look of disgust, mirroring Shinji's own.

"It's just an easy way for you to feel that you're worth something." She said aloud, wondering if she was trying to convince Shinji, or herself.

"I wonder if I'll act like Misato when I grow up?" Asuka asked herself softly before she suddenly she saw herself again, only this time she was leaning against her arm on the table back at Misato's apartment, tapping her finger to a silent tune only she could hear, looking intently at the boy in front of her, before she asked him if he wanted to kiss.

Asuka remembered that kiss very well; it had been a chaste kiss on the lips, dorky, and clumsy, and she had pinched his nose.

But she involuntarily shuddered when she remembered the feeling of his lips against her; of their softness and shape and how his breath had really tickled her.

Before she was again shown the mirror image of herself, a vicious snarl on her lips as she shouted at him, pushing him away.

"You don't understand anything! Stay away from me!"

She saw Shinji's hand twitching, flexing, clenching and forming a fist as his frustration began to grow more and more.

"... I do understand."

"No you don't, you IDIOT!" The image of Asuka kicked Shinji, making him recoil at the impact of her foot. "You really think you understand me!? You think that you can help me?"

And she saw that familiar sneer, the ever present rage and hate. "That is so ARROGANT! You couldn't possibly understand me!"

"How can I understand if you don't say anything?" Shinji whispered angrily, his hand still doing that soft movement, trying to control the raging hate inside of him. "You don't say anything..."

He looked up with eyes full of hate and regret and walked towards the image of Asuka. "You don't talk to me…" He continued, making his way. "How can I understand you? It's IMPOSSIBLE!!"

Suddenly, it all became blank again, the image of Shinji frozen in time before Rei stepped forward.

"Ikari, did you try to understand?"

"I tried..." Shinji turned, sulking towards the image of Rei, whispering tiredly.

And then, the image of a blue room flashed inside everyone's eyes. And Asuka saw as Shinji saw her unconscious, vulnerable and exposed.

"Idiot! I know about your jerk-off fantasies of me." Asuka's voice cut the quiet like a battle forged sword would the tender flesh of a newborn. It was vicious and hurtful; full of the purpose of doing just that… causing pain and despair. "Do it again like usual... I'll even stand here and watch."

Then, the image shifted again, and Asuka found herself watching as the image Shinji had of her on his mind stood over him, hovering while they were inside an empty train car.

"If you can't be all mine, then I don't need you!"

Shinji simply kept looking down before he raised his face and answered simply. "Then, be nice to me..."

And everything just froze.

"What was that?"

Rei looked sadly. "That was the first trial."

"So did he pass?" Asuka asked ,looking expectantly at both teens who didn't answer. "Well… did he?"

"The test hasn't ended yet." Kaworu said simply, still smiling at it all. "There is the next trial left."

"What do you mean?"

"He is struggling with himself." Rei stated as she kept looking at the landscape where Shinjji used to be sitting. "He is uneasy with the way he thinks others see him."

"How ironic that he is just like the savior." Kaworu intervened. "But while the son of man was born free from sin, he was still subject to every form of temptation that humans face; fear, doubt, depression, reluctance… lust."

As she spoke each word, several images flashed in Asuka's mind.

Images of Shinji; the downcast look on his face as he was on the train bringing him to the city of Neo Tokyo-3, Images of him in school; scared, cast away… facing the indifference of the students, the scorn and hatred. She saw he was punched by Toji, before he was called to defend the city again, how he let those two stooges inside of the entry plug while still battling the flailing whips made of light of an angel.

She saw as Unit 01 was launched forward, directly into a beam of light fired by a floating octahedron, felt the boiling LCL, the pain in her chest just like Shinji had felt, the blanking out, and waking up, before he was immediately told he would have to fight it again.

Images of Shinji's past; a small, crying boy with a shirt too big, pleading between tears at the retreating figure of his father leaving him behind, crying as he was forced to fight again, and again.

She saw Shinji speaking with Misato, and how he had told her he wouldn't need his pass card anymore, and how she told him he was the only one who could save them all, and ho he simply turned and made his way to the train station.

Shinji staring at her as she lay unconscious and helpless on the hospital bed, staring at her breasts, before he closed the door, and reached into his trousers, unzipping and freeing himself with trembling hands.

She saw him stroking himself, a look of detached abandonment on his face before pumping himself slowly and methodically at first, as his movements became quicker, his breath coming out is jagged gasps and soft sobbing shudders.

"So what? Because that idiot feels sorry for himself, and decided to jerk off to me am I supposed to die?" Asuka said with anger. "Just when I needed him to prove me he wasn't a pervert like I always said, he comes and does this. If I had him here I would beat him to a bloody pulp."

"Actually, Ikari is in the process of recreating the whole world…" Kaworu answered as he snapped his fingers, making the space shift again, like ripples in a pond, and Asuka found herself back in the apartment, wearing her school uniform.

"Wh-where am I?"

She turned around and found her room just as she remembered it and with some other things as well; various posters of movie starts and pop idols, her dirty clothes on a messy heap, and the door opening to reveal…

"Asuka… are you about ready?"

Asuka stared wide eyed at the woman in front of her; her hair was longer than she remembered, and was a lighter shade, but she held a warm smile.

"Ma… mama?"

Kyoko looked at her wiping her hands on her apron, walking inside.

"Asuka…" Kyoko said with mock anger as she stepped inside. "How many times have I told you to clean your room? Honestly." She sighed, looking down at one of the many mounds of clothes and shaking her head disapprovingly before turning to Asuka.

"Well, no use saying it right now…you have to go and wake up Shinji to go to school." She turned to look at her daughter, her eyes mirroring Asuka's own. "But after school, no going to the arcades or anywhere else; you come back and clean your room, do you understand?."

Asuka simply stood there, looking dumbly. She wanted to shout, to scream and cry. She wanted to run and throw her arms around her and see if this was real or she was imagining this, and Kyoko came up to her and stood in front of her, looking down at her and into her eyes, before her hand came and slowly, lovingly cupped her cheek.

Asuka wasn't sure if she felt the touch, warm and lingering, or if she remembered how it felt to be touched so lovingly by anyone.

"You wouldn't want Shinji to come here and see your panties on the floor now, would you?" Kyoko winked before exiting the room, laughing slightly as if she heard something only for her ears.

Asuka stood there, watching the surreal scene developing in front of her, not being able to get anything, to voice the questions inside of her at the image of what she remembered had been her mother.

"By the way, your friends are here, don't keep them waiting." Behind her, Kaworu and Rei appeared dressed in the same uniform, bowing respectfully as Kyoko exited.

"Thank you Mrs. Sohryu."

Once Kyoko had exited, Asuka found herself able to move and talk once more.

"What the hell is this?" She let out in a low grow to mask her surprise, before she tuned to them and exploded in rage. "Just who the hell is she?"

Rei looked at her, almost as if she silently was asking what kind of a stupid question that was.

"She's your mother Sohryu, obviously."

"No." Asuka shook her head in denial, looking at the floor. "That's not true… I saw her dead… s- she was hanging in front of me and I…" She looked up with fresh tears in her eyes and rage on her face.

"I SAW HER DIE!"

"Yes, that is true." Kaworu nodded before smiling that smile of his. "But this is a reinvention of the world. "

"What the hell does that mean?" Asuka was close to punching them, turning to Rei in a flurry of red hair and white crisp shirt and greenish-blue skirt flares. "Is this your doing? Is this the idiot's way of punishing me?"

"No." Rei's voice was hard and displeased. "This is Ikari's perfect world. In this he is a normal teenager, just like you. In this world, there are no Eva, and consequently both your mother and Ikari's own mother are alive and well."

"B-but then… this is not true… THIS IS JUST AN ILLUSION!" Asuka shouted.

"But it is a more bearable world that the one full of hurt and pain is it not?"

"But that is not his choice to make!" Asuka said passionately, rubbing her eyes to take away her tears. "By choosing this, he is damning us all to be his puppets, no better than being dolls in a stage controlled by him!"

"And is that something you would oppose to?" Rei questioned, as Asuka saw an image of herself smiling, happy and carefree, talking with her mother, alive and well, waking up Shinji, saying hello to his mother and father.

Doing little normal things like going to school and staying afterwards to play in the arcades, or simply hanging around in his or her house watching TV and playing videogames.

Or taking a stroll in the park.

Or going to the mall both of them with Hikari and Toji and Kensuke and-

Or just Shinji and her, going to the movies.

Things she longed to do.

Things she yearned to try out.

Things she knew she would never, ever get.

"If he accepts this and remakes the world, you would all be free of the shackles of Eva, of all the pain and loneliness of it all." Rei continued. "Is it not such a small price to pay?"

"But…"

"His second trial… it's over." Kaworu said softly before everything changed again, and Asuka found herself back in Misato's apartment and saw the frozen image of Shinji.

Strangling her.

"He failed."

"B-but that's…" Asuka muttered as she saw Shinji falling on top of her, still clutching that Asuka's neck with a crazy look on his face as she saw Rei cross towards him, the same rippling effect appearing, almost as if she had crossed an invisible curtain. And Asuka could see how this affected Shinji.

Rei was changing, growing smaller and thinner, then bigger and fuller; blue hair turned brown and red eyes became green before shifting again and again… and the memories of things long past began to engulf Shinji's soul and his conscience.

Asuka felt as Shinji began to hear the voice of Rei mingle and intertwine with the voice of his mother; like ivy wrapped around the bark of a tree growing into him… growing inside of him… so intricately woven together it was almost impossible for any to differentiate each one.

"What do you want?"

She could still see his hands wrapped against that Asuka's neck.

"Maybe if I had never lived…"

She could still feel that Asuka's cold hard tones, her feet kicking him and her hand pushing him harshly.

"So it shall be."

And she felt as her throat slowly gave away, collapsing into itself and the crunching of bones made her stifle a moan and a gasp and suddenly she was gurgling out –

…

She felt sick.

She had just witnessed herself waking up next to him of all people, and she realized she had become just like her; fighting and screwing and coming home late at night, drunk and ready to fight and kiss and make out and fu-

"So that's it?" Asuka asked with the bitter taste of bile burning on her throat, her gag reflex kicking in as she remembered the words she had said after that, before everything became dark, and she was once again with only Kaworu, seeing as Shinji sat now in front of a projector screen watching as real life continued without him.

"That's it?" Asuka asked again after a second of watching everything. "He fails at life and he reinvents everything and I turn into a slut like Misato and end up sleeping with the worst idiot of them all?"

"That is just another of Ikari's possibilities." Kaworu said absentmindedly, turning to look at Asuka. "He is currently seeing the world without him, and seeing the impact it has left."

And Asuka could see it too; see her becoming like Misato, just like Misato… a drunken slob sleeping around to fill in the void in he soul, but still feeling something was undeniably wrong, something was missing from her.

"Asuka."

Asuka looked at Shinji who had gotten up and was so close to the Asuka on the screen, and gasped in surprise when her other self turned to where he had been. Before Shinji let out a startled whimper and jumped to his lower right, hiding, before that Asuka turned around again and continued walking as if nothing had happened, before Shinji got up and stared at the screen again.

...and saw Shinji's eyes taking everything with sadness, watching her as she kept on walking back to her life without him, a happy, carefree jump in her step every now and then before a brief cloud of worry crossed her face.

But Asuka felt a strange oppression when she saw the look of his eyes, how deep and sad and miserable they seemed… a naked yearning present on them.

"He's sad."

"Yes." Kaworu nodded. "That's because he is not here."

"So what is it then? A dream?" Asuka asked as she continued watching the frozen image of Shinji.

"He has the power to make it true." Kaworu answered simply, cryptically.

"But he won't be there then?"

"That is a choice to be made yet."

"So we all still have a chance?" Asuka asked again, subconsciously biting her lip.

"Why are you so eager?" Kaworu turned to her, a malign smile on his lips. "I would have thought that you of all would prefer to live in this perfect world."

Asuka turned to look at him, and reacted finally. Her hand shot out and grabbed him by the throat, tumbling down while still squeezing Kaworu's neck with all her might, ignoring the pain on her arm as she saw 3 faint lines of light going down the length of it.

"Stop it." She growled. "Stop saying things like that. you don't know me. You don't know what I've been through."

"Don't I?"

"No! You don't know who the hell I am and what the hell I want!"

"I know you wanted this all to stop." Kaworu said as his face shifted to mirror her own with a sneer. "I know you tried to kill yourself when your life became too much for you to bear."

Asuka gritted her teeth and pressed even harder, but Kaworu's face simply changed back to show his same smiling face before his hand reached out to grab her from behind her neck, pushing Asuka towards him, their noses barely touching, his breath cold an clammy and inches away from her.

"I know you secretly hope for Ikari to fail, because otherwise you would go back to the world, go back to being a failure; a blind that has been cast away like a doll that is no longer of use."

"No." Asuka stated coldly as she kept pushing down, pressing and squeezing with all her strength. "That's why I chose to kill myself, it was my choice… I never want this if he has to die, no matter what he can give or he can offer, I don't want to have that hanging on my head."

"I see…" Kaworu smiled a sickly-sweet smile. "Do you want to know what his thought are right now?"

Asuka stared at him, but never said anything, and Kaworu opened his mouth and spoke in the same voice as Shinji's.

"If it were possible… all I would ask is for a world where she could smile." He smiled again.

"Isn't that a grand thought?" Kaworu asked with false cheeriness. "The girl he hates and has hurt; the very same girl who hates him and has hurt him… he is willing to sacrifice humanity, to plunge the world into the pits of hell just to see her smile."

Asuka looked at him long and hard, a horrified expression on her face, before she released her grip on his neck and tried to get up, before she fell on her ass, backing way from Kaworu who slowly got up, hunching over, almost as if he were trying to get out of a cocoon with a disturbed look on his face and a smile on his lips.

"Who are you?"

Kaworu looked at her, still smiling that teeth filled smile, his teeth suddenly looking brighter and more intimidating; a long fine line of pointy fangs, the whiteness of his skin, his eyes obscured by his ashen hair.

Asuka recoiled in horror as an image of nine figures that looked something like that, but not quite, flashed in her mind while she felt a hot, searing pain in her right eye and arm.

"I am simply the messenger that heralds the story that has just begun and the promise of what is to come."

She looked down and saw Shinji curled up in a ball, his head resting in her lap, both naked.

"He isn't real." Asuka whispered, fighting the urge to swat him away, and the feeling of warmth that began to course through her as Shinji stood there like a child, a wave of warmness, or tenderness washing over her.

"He can be if you want it to be." Kaworu slinked towards her, an oily unfriendly smile on his face, slick and wet and it made her feel sick. "You can make him be more assertive, be more in control. You can make him older and wiser, have stubble and long hair."

And every time he said anything, Shinji would change to reflect that. And Asuka began to watch with horror as the images she had of Shinji, the image of the Shinji she held in her mind began to change, to evolve and devolve until she felt she couldn't tell the original once more.

"STOP IT!" Asuka shouted and then Shinji was back to just the way she remembered him, exactly the way she remembered him.

"You can be with him and only him, or he can be with you and any other more…" Kaworu pressed on as if the redhead's out burst had never happened. "The reality you think you know isn't fixed. It can be written and re-written to serve every individual's purpose."

"You can be dead…" He continued. "Or you can be closer to how a normal girl should behave." She saw herself dying at any point of the missions… crushed by the jaws of the angel of water, or her unit exploding, she saw as her unit plunged into the depths of the ocean near Hakone and saw as the redhead within scratched with anguish and fear before her last breath exited her.

She saw as she was reduced to charred remains by the lava or cut to pieces, pierced and eaten by white, imposing angels from above.

"Or Ayanami can be more talkative and friendlier, she can be an exchange student or a distant relative of Ikari, vying for your affections of him." Images of Rei, but Rei in appearance only, flashed now… dressed in a sweater vest and crashing against Shinji, before she told him he was a pervert for looking at her panties.

"Or maybe you can be with Kaji, and Shinji ends up with Katsuragi instead." Kaworu continued as he began to circle her.

"The choice is yours…" He ended in the same tone he had been using, the last syllables slowly sliding from his lips, and Asuka kept looking down, not sure of what to think anymore.

"You can make Ikari give you the perfect world you so desire; a world where you are worshipped as the image of perfection you are, a world where you are the best of everything."

"No." Asuka whispered.

"A world were your eyes can once more see… a world where your mother isn't dead…" Kaworu said a she knelt next to her, smiling as Asuka kept staring at Shinji, who seemed to be muttering to himself.

"Stop it."

"All you have to do is tell him to do it, make him do your will once more, and then kill him to ensure the dream never ends."

"I DON'T WANT THIS!" the redhead shouted, silencing Kaworu who still held the same smile. Asuka remained silent for a long time, and Kaworu stared at her, waiting for something, anything, when she never moved he touched her shoulder but Asuka immediately shrugged him off.

"No." She said softly. "I want the real world."

"So you defend him?" Kaworu asked still looking at her before his body shimmered again and Asuka saw herself staring down at her, her hands on her hips, an insolent, venomous sneer on her face.

"Why are you doing this? All that you want… ALL of what humanity wants is lying in the balance, and this… this idiot…" She snarled. "This pervert is the only thing standing between you and our wish fulfillment." She said as she began to inch closer and closer.

"Isn't one life such a small price to pay? Besides what do we owe him? He's always been a thorn in our side, he's always been better than us, always surpassing us… but never giving himself wholly, never showing anything resembling love or care for anyone except to fulfill his own selfishness… everyone hates us because they don't see him as we do, everyone hates us because of how we are with him…"

Asuka got up and resumed circling around herself. "Everyone thinks we are nothing more than an annoying bitch… an angry, psychotic, jealous and raging lunatic who only lives to make Ikari miserable… who will never and should never be able to find happiness or peace."

Every word seemed to make Asuka cringe and sob more and more, but she kept shaking her head in negation.

"We could be happy with mama and Kaji and without him." Asuka whispered in soft, breathy tones into her ear and for just a moment, for one brief instant, the idea flashed in her mind...

Why not?

"Unless of course you actually feel something for the idiot." The other Asuka said with venom in her voice, like tasting something foul.

Images of times past and times that had not began to flash in front of them, around them, almost like they were in the middle of a conical projector screen, the images flashing at variable speed, but still both girls were able to see them.

"He didn't come through when we lost our mind." Asuka said as a bright flash of light descended form above, a chorus of soft voices chanting to the salvation of the lamb echoing within.

"And he never came for us when the other one cut our arms." Asuka continued before a fountain of dark purple erupted form on top, falling and splashing and painting everything a deep violet hue.

"But most of all, he never came for us when we lost our sight." A shriek, and agonizing scream, a howl of pain and terror and hurt not unlike anything Asuka had heard broke the silence again, and Asuka saw the explosion of blinding white followed by the never changing blackness of her eyes.

"He jumped to save me form the volcano." Asuka said simply, clutching Shinji to herself, the image of the purple Eva staring grimly down, while Asuka could remember her own face flushed and wide eyes and staring with mouth agape at the image of a Shinji Ikari she had never imagined to see.

A Shinji Ikari that had defied orders and rules to save her.

"He jumped to save me from the river." She continued, smiling slightly. "He might be a coward, and sniveling fool, but he saved me, and the doll, and the other two idiots without so much as batting an eyebrow." She shouted at herself.

The other Asuka blinked with curiosity before a sneer settled in her face, bearing her fangs in a teeth showing smile. "Is that it? Do you have some semblance of hope that he will come through? That he will be there to save you?" Asuka asked snidely, before she let out a low, rumbling chuckle.

"I'll let you in on a little secret…" Asuka motioned at the fallen boy. "He will never save you; he will never help you…"

"In the end, Shinji Ikari will never accept Asuka Langley Sohryu." Asuka continued, grimly, softly her mouth set in a hard line, her eyes cast down at the other Asuka still cradling Shinj's bloody body. "In the final moment, he will betray you… he will forget you; you will be discarded like trash… useless and broken."

"So why not end this and simply take this chance at being happy. All you have to do is kill this wretched, pathetic life, and we will all be happy." Asuka smirked. "It's so easy, I can do it for you."

Suddenly and out of nowhere, Asuka held a knife, old and made of stone; primal and black ad rough before she stabbed with strength and skill and force into Shinji's chest; a soft, wet crunching noise, followed by a gurgled moan and a whimper and Asuka saw the boy began to bleed before her eyes.

It stated as a simple tinkling of red, deep dark red coming from his chest and mouth; pooling and oozing, the blood dark red almost black and oily before it began to flow more and more freely, and before she knew it, it was coming from his eyes and ears, from his back at the height of his heart and his hands and feet, it was coming from between his legs and Asuka tuned to look horrified at herself who simply smiled in satisfaction.

"Wh-what the hell are you doing stop this!" She screamed , holding the boy as he began to convulse and shiver, moaning in pain. "STOP IT HE'S DYING."

"Yes…" Kaworu said lightly as he returned to his boyish form, his features returning to their normal way. "He is dying so that you can live… That is the rule."

"Well damn the rules and damn you!" She said forcefully. "What more do you want? You want him dead? Then why do it this way?"

Asuka tried to get up, but Shinji clutched at her waist in pain and despair. "Or is it me you want dead?" Asuka asked as she kept hugging the quivering, bloody boy tightly, staring with all the hatred she could muster at Kaworu.

"Well fine… you want me, then come and get me." Asuka growled. "But unless you're really willing to take on me, and right now I'm so pissed I am more than willing to rip that smarmy grin of your face, I suggest you stop fucking with his mind AND LET HIM GO!"

Kaworu said nothing but kept smiling patronizingly at Asuka while she leaned closer and closer, pressing more and more onto Shinji.

"And what about your perfect world brought by this boy's sacrifice for you?" He asked again, only this time his tone changed, becoming harder, harsher like a hammer banging on a gravel, calling everyone to order on the court. "What about your eyesight? Do you wish to remain blind?"

"It's my choice, not his." Asuka said without a doubt, still cradling the dying boy in her arms. "It never was. And you know what? I don't even care anymore. I don't want my sight back I don't want any happiness if it means somebody else has to die for it."

"Are you certain?" There was an edge of… something… in his tone. Tension? Expectation? Anticipation? "Why? Why is this so important? Why is he so important?"

Asuka kept quiet but pressed her lips and Kaworu saw that, noticing there was some doubt, smiling at the prospect.

"You have right now your happiness in your hand. Surely you wou-"

"BUT I Would remember doing it!" Asuka shouted enraged, turning to look at Kaworu, a look of anger and disgust in her face.

"You will remember only what you wish to remember." Kaworu said enigmatically. "And we both know your mind has no place for a being such as him." He signaled Shinji with his head. "He is a pathetic coward, he should not trouble your memories or your thoughts."

He knelt again, and Asuka saw herself once more; a calm, soft smile, the smile of one who is happy and carefree and content on that face.

"You can simply have him create the world you know you want, the world where your dreams are all true and then kill him… and you'll be forever free."

"It sounds easy." She said softly, almost in a whisper as she looked down at Shinji who was still writhing in pain, still in a pool of his own blood. "But I can't do it."

Kaworu frowned at that, but kept his voice still calm and pleasant. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"And why is that?"

Asuka placed a hand on his head and eased back his hair tenderly, smiling sadly at him. "What would be the point in being able to see again... if I couldn't look at myself in the mirror?"

"But I already said that you wouldn't remeb-"

"But that's the problem." Asuka said simply, still smiling that sad, melancholic smile; the smile of someone who know what can be done, but who does what one must do, the smile of a tragic choice, of a sad decision; the smile Helen had when she saw Paris's dying body… the smile Juliet had when she kissed Romeo's dying lips…

"If I choose to kill him, I would remember him."

The smile Constance had for D'Artagnan and the one Guinevere flashed to Lancelot.

"I would remember doing it."

The smile that started every sad love story in history, the same sad smile that always finished it with death and despair.

"I might be selfish and arrogant and all those things you said about me…" She turned to both albinos, a look of defiance on her eyes. "But I am no killer, and Shinji has been the only one who has shown even an ounce of sympathy for me." She held him closer, covering him with her body. "I told you already, he might be a coward, and he might be weak, but I would never do anything like what you say."

"So just… just end this now." Asuka said with conviction. "Make me blind and then kill me and then kill the world."

There was a pause, before Kaworu spoke. "So you have made your choice."

Asuka looked at Shinji's prone form on the floor, now clean of all blood, but crouching in a fetal position, looking at a distant point before she heard the words echoing again in her own voice.

"I guess I have."

She looked again at the image of Shinji, the sound of a water drop echoing in a deafening way.

Asuka felt a small tug, and instinctively knew it was all beginning to end; through the corner of her eyes, she could see the blackness turning into a blinding white, like a small pulse, crystallizing everything in it's path, the sandbox and trees and swing set and monkey bars…

The table and spilt coffee, overturned chairs and kitchen and cabinets… the cherry trees and the flower petals spiraling in the soft, arm air, the bench and the water and the grass underneath.

And as the wave of white came closer and closer, Asuka still held Shinji onto her, still with his head in his lap, gazing calmly at his face as she focused on his features, memorizing the way his eyes became slanted at the edges, how his hair fell onto his forehead, barely touching his eyebrows, how peaceful he seemed sleeping…

She committed to her memory the face and eyes and nose and lips and all of the features that made Shinji Ikari, before she would be forced to spend the rest of eternity with nothing else but only his face as her last memory.

Slowly, she raised his face a bit…

And kissed him.

The kiss was even more powerful than anything she could have imagined. Partly because he didn't have his nose pinched, and partly because Asuka could sense more than a little desperation fueling it from them both.

Asuka was kissing Shinji as if nothing else mattered in the world, as if she expected him to push her away at any moment… as if she was afraid he would shout at her to stop.

Only she couldn't do it, she would never stop, not until she became a faint distant memory in his mind.

His tongue was moving sinuously against hers, his hand going around her neck to pull her even closer so that she could feel every inch of his body pressing against her own nakedness, could feel his arousal pressing against her, and she couldn't do it; she couldn't push him away.

It felt too good… too real… too necessary.

For Asuka, nothing else mattered, only this moment.

Only him.

Instinctively, Asuka reached for the base of his neck with her arms to help lift his face more onto hers, her fingers tightening in the soft hair at the nape of his hair as she tilted her head, allowing him to change the angle of the kiss, to deepen it as his hands grabbed onto her own face and neck for dear life, deepening, growing...

This time, she wasn't angry, or terrified or sad.

This time, Asuka held Shinji tightly onto her, smiling into his lips.

And then, the whole world faded to a white so bright, Asuka was blinded

Again.

…

"Explain to me again why we are here, Tabris." She said softly in that monotone she knew so well after a moment o contemplating the great and empty vastness.

He let out a sigh. "The vast majority of humanity cannot handle the freedom which has been given to them; you now that yourself better than anyone, Lilith."

"So, in giving humans freedom to choose, the majority of humanity was excluded from redemption and doomed to suffer." Lilith added while Tabris simply nodded.

"That is correct to an extent, but by overcoming this trial, they became humanity…" He nodded with his head. "Not a God or savior… not a garish, emasculated image from a religious postcard."

Tabris turned to Lilith and smiled a soothing smile, and Lilith wondered for a second how could he do that… how could he be a tormentor and a prosecutor one moment and then become all smiles and moon shines and whistles the other?

"The savior became flesh and blood; struggling and questioning, asking himself and others which is the right way… and finally, after great suffering, earning the right to say, on the cross that all of it was accomplished."

An impeccable eyebrow rose at the biting remark, making the ashen haired young man smile at the impassible face of the blue haired young woman in front of him. Tabris sighed; he didn't need to read her mind to know what she was thinking, and he had to agree with Lilith.

There really was no logical sense to any of this.

But then again, life never followed the logical path, and he sometimes wondered if the creator really didn't play dice with fate.

He sometimes wondered if he should be like her, but then remembered that all those little nuances that made her be her was what set them both apart; she was detached, not really following through on their work… she simply did what was asked of her in the moment, but failed to see the bigger picture, the ramifications, the effects of it all.

She failed to see the heart of the matter.

Silently, they continued staring from afar, before both got up and began to walk away, the edge of the beach gradually becoming smaller and smaller until it was only Tabris and Lilith and he turned to her, never taking their eyes out of each other; waiting for the first one to come forth… to express, to say what they felt was the matter.

"Lilith…" Tabris began, taking a long breath. "While it is true that we might not like his choice, he did it of his own accord. Nothing we could have said or done would have made a difference; this was planned before you or me became… we were simply the tools to make and keep the creator's plan in motion."

"Please explain that."

Tabris let out a sigh, realizing this was not going to be easy.

"Humanity was doomed to an evolutionary standstill, but he was presented with a choice… however, she also was put on trial and only their combined choice to come back and forgive each other was what saved humanity from becoming one."

He sighed softly before continuing. "It was only because he chose to die to give her the perfect world he thought she need to be able to smile, and she rejected that perfect world because she wouldn't feel right without him that saved them… even if they do not fully understand it right now, their forgiving each other and love was what set them free."

"So forgiveness and love are the key to the kingdom?"

"One of the last words erased by the old men was the secret for paradise; that if one asks for forgiveness and is truly honest when asking for it, the creator will have no choice but to grant it since he is the all forgiving father."

"But true love is never an easy thing, nor is it easy to really forgive." Lilith said softly.

"It does become a handicap in the long road." Tabris admitted. "Strays you from the original purpose; it clouds your judgments, but at the same time prevents you from looking beyond the present."

"Do you think he made the right choice?" The girl said simply, not a trace of emotion on her voice or face; in fact the question was more of a statement than a question.

"I think he made the only choice he could have made." Tabris smiled, closing his eyes and humming. "Even now, they are beginning to rewrite their memories…"

He turned to Lilith and saw her face still devoid of motion, but her eyes… "Does that make you angry?"

"Should it?" Lilith answered back, blinking. She felt there was supposed to be something for her in the whole conversation, but it eluded her greatly.

"Well, under normal circumstances you would feel aggravated, angry that he passed the chance at having no pain for a chance to live again."

"So the appropriate response would be to be angry and defensive."

"Yes."

"Very well then." Lilith said and Tabris waited for her to do something.

Lilith simply stared down at him, her red eyes never blinking.

"Is something the matter?" Tabris asked after some time, realizing Lilith was waiting for him to initiate the discussion.

"I don't think he made the right choice."

Tabris sighed dramatically before he continued. "Maybe you are right, but what's done is done and it was done for a reason."

Lilith kept staring straight ahead. "I know the creator had a reason why he let Shi-" She stopped herself, and Tabris simply arched one of his eyebrows in a mocking manner and silent question, before Lilith resumed speaking. "Why Ikari chose like he did, so I cannot be angry if he made his choice."

She turned around. "But I don't understand why I feel mad. I really shouldn't be getting upset."

"Do you feel upset?" Tabris questioned carefully. "Would you have rather he would have stayed with you here? Or perhaps would you rather he had chosen someone else as a conduit?"

"No." Lilith said after a second, carefully pondering her answer. "But I do not understand why he chose the way he did."

Tabris turned to her. "People often mistake falling in love by an act of chance or fate; while it is true that meeting the one you are destined to be with does require some luck, what happens afterwards is entirely up to them; one wrong set up and a love story that can happen will be no more."

"So what are we supposed to do?"

"We just let them be." Tabris said still smiling.

"I still don't think he made the correct choice." Lilith said after a beat.

"Believe me, you are not the only one… a lot of others will think as you, will probably have more than enough reasons to argue logically why he should have chosen to stay with you instead, and will probably try to redo everything."

And Tabris laughed at the seriousness with which he said his last words, but both were already dissolving into fine mist and his laughter echoed in the raging sea and the crashing waves underneath.

…

The waves were crashing.

The sea was tainted and red.

But Shinji could still feel her lips against his, only this time his nose was free.

He woke up, wondering if that kiss was his anchoring point; that which brought him back from the near end, from the void in which his sanity was so tempted to dwell forever and let him be a husk and nothing more.

Time passed… or stood still; he really couldn't tell as night and day became one and the same, before he dreamed and wished.

It was unreal, and he had to be sure, he had to feel it with his won two hands; the red vinyl, and the white gauze and the frail skin…

She wasn't moving.

Maybe this was his own personal hell, doomed forever to be alone and only be tantalized with the image of her, and before he realized, he felt his hands, moving of their own accord going around her delicate, frail looking throat and-

He stopped a gasp short in his throat before it could become a sob; an anguish cry for words that were not formed in his mouth or his throat, words that were too simple... to primal and raw and strong and laced with emotions he felt in his soul; like it had been cut wide open and it was now spilling out of himself and there was nothing he could do to stop it now.

And then, suddenly he felt her hand slowly creeping against his check, the feel of her fingers touching his cheek, burning a reminder of the other one who touched him and he suddenly stops and began to think and remember...

His first impression of her is memorable.

She is beautiful.

She is a beautiful, loud girl with a presumptuous glare and an arrogant half-smile, half-snarl and full smirk.

She has red hair.

She is the perfect combination of foreign and domestic; neither here nor there. She has white skin with a hair so beautiful and long and silky and Red; she has typical western features mixed with the small, nose and lips that makes her oriental heritage come to life…

But most of all, he remembers the hair and he wonders if he will ever be able to see the color red again under the same light again.

She has blue eyes.

He will always remember them as the brightest bluest eyes, mixing with the sea and the sky, instantly making everyone be fixed on them… bright blue eyes that draws you into them… eyes that will make anyone careless enough simply drown in them.

She has and a cute pretty face along with long legs that seem to run forever, that come from a body full of adult promises and he can't help but wonder what are the endowments covered by that dress.

She wears a yellow dress.

The dress is frail and flowing, and he can't stop gawking at her; at her lithe and slim figure, the exposed skin of her body cut short by the chocker on her throat, the poise and countenance as she commands the attention of him and Misato and his friends, all the eyes fixed, directed at her, those big bright blue ey-

She has white panties.

She has just flashed him; it was only for a second or two (3.83 to be exact) and he has in his mind all that he could remember of her; the flawless white skin, and how it looked so inviting, almost begging for someone to touch it, to run fingers and knuckles and hands against her.

He feels pain.

She has just slapped him. And it's funny how it didn't sting as much as it should, how he could swear it almost felt like an electric spark flew from them; she was watching his eyes the whole time she stepped up to him; an unreadable expression and as she slapped him he could swear she had on a playful smirk on her face.

Almost like Misato's.

And the only thing he can think of is She is such a tease.

She is leaning into him, looking into his eyes, squinting as if he were nothing more than a speck of dust.

Come. I have a use for you.

Afterwards, everything becomes a blur. A red blur of constant movement against the back ground of gray and blue and steel and water and when he finally comes to, he sees the flashes and smirks of Toji and Kensuke and he felt the sharp tug of the red suit against him.

But through it all, he can still remember that his first impression of her was memorable, even if it wasn't a kind one.

But he says nothing because Shinji Ikari can't help but feel intimidated by her.

And he knows that Asuka Langley Sohryu dislikes that the moment they meet.

He remembers the next day, how out of nowhere she shows up at school; in his class room, with arrogant smirks and smiles… with red brown hair and bright blue eyes and as she finishes writing her name in flowing penmanship, using letters he had never seen so beautifully written in his life on the board, he sees how all the boys in the room stare at her with adoration and lust as she turns with a flourish, that half-smile, half-smirk firmly placed on her face.

And he can't help but feel like he has already lost a battle he had no idea was taking place.

I'm Asuka Langley Sohryu, charmed huh?

And he swears that smile and those eyes are firmly set on him, like a chain or a manacle or something that will never, ever let him be free again.

And somehow he just smiles back and realizes that's not such a bad feeling.

Hey, why so gloomy! I'm the most popular girl in school. You should appreciate your good fortune.

The next time Shinji sees Asuka is at school; she flick him in the forehead, and smirks down at him, and ask him where the other pilot is.

And as he watches her antics from the safe distance of the school roof, he can't help but feel a little lost before Toji's remark about pilots cuts through.

And Asuka rushes to her seat behind and to his right and the whole first day, she keeps her mouth masked behind her fingers clasped together at the bridge of her nose.

But her eyes keep being secretly trained on him.

And underneath her fingers, she can't help but smile and feel foolish about it.

What are you doing here?

Asuka's question is that of disbelief, as they walk back to NERV for a synch test, and they share some small talk, sprinkled with smiles and outrageous claims of him being a pervert and her smirk followed by her questioning his ability to understand and comprehend simple things and somehow, he feels he has known her forever and a heart beat after.

And then she is walking away, perhaps expecting him to walk behind her, perhaps expecting him to leave her be. And she stops and turns and give him a small smirk and asks him if he is waiting for an invitation from her.

And ever since it stays the same; She will call him names and antagonize him and make him think about her all day, every day in the morning getting up, or at night when he goes to sleep.

He remembers the synch-training and remembers that almost kiss, he remembers lunging forward and saving her from the volcano, and the shy, thanks he got from her in the privacy of the Onsen when Misato had gone to sleep, the soft rapping on his door, and the shuffling of feet, and the feeling of someone kneeling besides him, and the soft trembling fingers of Asuka as she strokes his bangs, easing them from his forehead.

He feigns sleep and can't help but feel his breath stop as he feels her inching down, nearing him, and he can smell her and feel her breath on his lips, and the warmth of her face as it closes the gap inching ever so slowly until they can almost ki-

"Mama."

He never meant to say it out loud, it juts slipped out of his lips.

Asuka stops, a gasp in her mouth covered by her hands. He can't see her, but if he could, he would see a strange look on her face, as she ponders and thinks and realizes with a small smile something.

Shinji doesn't move -- doesn't breathe. He stares at the back of his closed eyes, wondering when she will leave him like everybody else; when she will go.

And then he feels a moment later, the coolness of her lips pressed softly into his forehead, and before Asuka leaves she eases his hair again with her fingers in a meaningless gesture, but a gesture that seems to evoke so much more.

Shinji exhales once more before she leaves, feeling the wetness of her lips on his forehead, and the touch of her nimble fingers on his hair, and the closeness that is so intimate, so pure and warm and the realization blinds him.

She will never let him go.

But that's not what makes him worry.

What worried him the most is that he doesn't want her lo let him go.

I like you.

And when Asuka closes the door behind her, she never sees the look of naked longing Shinji' eyes held.

I like you so much I can't stand it.

And now, here… he stares at her and she stares back, following his every move with eyes that seem a bit brown and as he inches closer to see if it is her, he realizes her eyes are as blue as he remembers them to be.

If not bluer still.

She smiles back and slowly, ever so slowly, she grabs the back of his neck, pushing his face down in a slow, deliberate motion towards her, before he lets go and kisses her deeply, before they fuse together in a warm, tender and long embrace.

And behind them, the sea of red continues to crash against the white sand.

Because in the sea of LCL, Shinji wished for a world with other people. He desired to meet them again, even if it meant he would be hurt and betrayed.

I can't let go…

And just as he had hoped and wanted, Asuka was present in the new world.

I don't want to let go…

Only Asuka was there beside him.

I can't forget what's important to me…

The girl whom had hurt him, and who had been hurt by him.

But even so, she was the one he had hoped and wished and longed for to be with him…

And as the waves keep crashing, they both realized he chose her, and she chose him.

I can't forget about you.

[Fin

…

"Eva is a story that repeats. It is a story where the main character witnesses many horrors with his own eyes, but still tries to stand up again. It is a story of will; a story of moving forward, if only just a little. It is a story of fear, where someone who must face indefinite solitude fears reaching out to others, but still wants to try." Hideaki Ano.

…

Author Notes:

You can skip over these if you feel like, nothing but thanks and acknowledgments to everyone who made this possible; besides the juicy explanations are near the end.

This was my entry and winner of the 2007 Waffathon contest Non Lemon entries, and apparently Best Overall Entries, and was a hard one for me to write not only because of the content, but because it was cathartic being able to express in words what I felt towards this particular moment of Evangelion.

First and foremost thanks have to be given to three very talented and very helpful people who helped me here, the talented Mr. Himonky, The ever helpful Miss Sailor Star Dust (SSD-chan) and last, because I always save the best for the last, my partner in crime in countless other occasions, and perhaps my most trusted friend here; The beautiful, bright and talented Mdmlle. BlackFire18: Thanks a lot to each and every one of you.

Second but equally important to each and everyone who voted for me; truthfully, I never thought I would win, and certainly not by a margin... to all of you who read, regardless of liking or voting, I give you my thanks.

In a tie on the Third place, a huge thanks also go to Jimmy Wolk who, indirectly, helped in a lot of ways; I know he would have preferred the Second Place (3 guesses why and the first don't count), but an extensive thanks and a round of applause must also go to all the other entrees: Dartz, Fresh C, Red Horseman, Wonga316 and Himonky; all of them are truly talented, most of them are on my favorite list and all of their respective stories were equally good, if not better than mine.

To answer one question: I've never read James Lee's "The Second Child/Promises to keep", nor did it ever occurred to me to hijack SedemihcrA's idea on the waffathon thread at DS, but still props to them for being part (indirectly, but part none the less) in the making of this story.

Acknowledgments also go to the talented people who are the time and history keepers of all things NGE in the Evegeeks site, most of the reference material in regards to "End of" (which make roughly the whole story) was referenced there.

In a surprising twist, huge thanks go to Mr. Tines, the notorious anti A/S shipper of that site, for giving me enough reasons on why "Asuka" would try and push herself to fail the test.

Thanks also go to each and every author who has written Asuka as a bitch without any other explanation than "She is too loud/annoying" because that formed the basis for the "anti-Asuka" during the 3I scenes; without their help, I'm sure this would have ended rather bland.They were also the indirect source for the brief conversation Tabris and Lilith has at the very end.

Ok, I guess I have some explaining to do… first of all, let's get the questions out of the way, some might have wondered "What is the deal with Asuka being blind?" as someone said "Hasn't the poor girl suffered enough?"

Well, yes, obviously. However, the idea wasn't actually of her going through 3I and dying; the original concept of this was for a "Kiss story" where Asuka would have been temporarily blinded and have to rely on Shinji, however I remember sitting watching the series again, something I tend to do to try and get the "feel" of the characters, and when I saw "Don't be" and saw Asuka's reaction to Shinji and Rei on the train station, I remember vividly thinking "What are you? blind?"

So, as expressed somewhere else, this is mainly an allegory at her own inability to see what was in front of her.

Now as for the river and her "seeing"; the first river/water part was her trying to give up, but realizing she can't; she's a born fighter, Asuka doesn't just rolls over and dies... she fights. that's the point of the first river/water scene.

The second one, and the follow up of the Eva series is a bit more subliminal; first of all, she feels as she is being put on the LCL (that's pretty much obvious) and for the record, Asuka does not fight against the Eva series; I only have Maya saying "Shinji... Eva 02... Asuka is-" There is never a mention of her fighting (If you really wanna know, the Eva series simply flew down onto the lake where 02 was hidden and tore her apart.)

Most if the dialogue as well as some of the scenes and wordings are based on various Evangelion related works, mainly the script for End of Evangelion as well as certain episodes with liberties taken.

The words Tabris praises Lilith with come from "Lilith Ritus" by Joseph Max

The comments about the savior and his trials have been taken from the preface of "The last temptation of the Christ" by Nikos Kazantzakis, as well as a critique on the movie of the same name by Roger Ebert.

The last scene about Shinji choosing Asuka come from the EvaMasters series card game, approved by Gainax, and, some say, inspired by Anno's notes; that's cannon enough for me.

The words on the beginning of each part, as well as the ones in italics near the end come form Shinji's last words in the Angelic Days manga before the epilogue.

Sharp eyed individuals will note a homage to my all time favorite "unofficial" continuation of EoE.

In case I forgot something or someone, I apologize.

Miscellaneous notes:

The contest started saying they wanted a 10 thousand word story or 20 pages, before it ended up being a minimum of 7 thousand words; the story itself, on the last revision was made of 22 thousand, five hundred and odd words, and counted 62 pages. Not trying to boast or anything, just seemed like something funny to put here.

Hoped you liked it; thanks for reading.

EB, out!