The Love Doctor
By Galaxy1001D
Kim Possible and other Disney characters are © Disney Co.
Chapter One: An Offer She Can't Refuse
After the chaos of the Lowardian Invasion, the world seemed to go topsy-turvy. With the balance of power finally balanced, at least temporarily, nations had to change the way they treated each other. Traditional enemies had to work together to rebuild their countries. Wars and terrorism lost their allure now that everyone knew that mankind was not alone in the universe.
Perhaps the person who was having the hardest time adjusting to the change was one of the heroes of battle against the Lowardian invaders, one Doctor Drew Drakken. Drakken had been born Drew Theodore P. Lipsky, but had legally changed his name when he had decided to become a supervillain and take over the world.
Years later, Drakken was still not the indisputable overlord of Earth. As a matter of fact, many government agencies considered him small potatoes compared to big-time villains like Osama bin Laden and Professor Dementor. Yet no other villain had ever even attempted the feats of villainy that he had attempted. Only his idol, Doctor Evil, had tried the things that Drakken had, and Doctor Evil had retired from the villain business and gone legitimate when he discovered that the legendary cold-war era spy, Nigel Powers was his long-lost biological father. To Drakken's chagrin, his idol had legally changed his name to "Douglas Powers," and was satisfied being the head of Virtacon, a huge megacorporation.
Drakken had boldly stepped forward to fill the gap of sensational supervillainy, attempting to cover Milwaukee in molten magma, duplicating Evil's attempt to destroy cities from space, creating a weather machine and even breaking into the legendary Area 51. Alas for the mad scientist, his efforts were thwarted by the world famous teen hero Kim Possible and her buffoonish sidekick whose name he had a hard time remembering. On the plus side, his encounters with the popular teenage hero had catapulted him into international notoriety. On the minus side, if Kim Possible hadn't prevented him from taking over the world, even more people would acknowledge his genius.
Then the most incredible thing had happened. Warmonga and her consort Warhawk from the planet Lorwardia had come to conquer the Earth with their superior technology. A lab accident with an accelerated plant growth formula allowed him to control the plants that he created simply by focusing his will. Inspired by the second Lord of the Rings movie, he teamed up with his teen nemesis to defeat the Lorwardians by using his plants to destroy their giant robots. In return the nations of the world had rewarded him by pardoning him for his past crimes and even awarding him a medal at a ceremony at the United Nations.
Now back in his Caribbean island lair, the mad doctor was back at the drawing board, trying to come up with a new plan to take over the world and defeat Kim Possible. "Grrr! That will never work! Ngrah! My mother could come up with a better idea than that!" As his frustrated moans may indicate, progress in that area had slowed to a crawl.
"Problem?" a bored female voice asked.
"Yes," he grunted, as he turned to his lovely assistant, Shego.
Shego was considered by many to be the secret to what little success he had enjoyed so far. Formerly part of a superhero team, she gave up heroism and became a villain for hire, assisting conquerors in their quest for world domination. She became Drakken's partner years ago and stuck by him no matter how insane his plans were. As a matter of fact, during the Lowardian invasion she stuck her neck out to rescue him, even though she hadn't broke him out of prison during the fall of previous year. It was as if she actually cared about him, as if she too, thought of the dastardly duo as a kind of evil family. The United Nations was gracious enough to pardon her too, and she attended the awards ceremony at his side.
A humiliating side effect of his mastery over his chemically grown plants was an irritating flowery vine that grew out his spinal column and seemed to respond to his subconscious rather than his will. A humiliating, sickeningly sweet subconscious, apparently. Did the vine ever strangle anyone that Drakken was angry with? No. Did it ever push an irritating henchman over a cliff? Nope. Did it curl around Shego and pull her up against his body and violate their personal space? Yep. Worse yet, his neck had a nasty tendency to sprout flower petals when he was flustered. Trimming his body's vegetation was a temporary cure at best. The cursed things just seemed to grow back when he wasn't looking.
The stupid plants seemed to react to Shego's presence. His neck would poof up like a peacock and that stupid vine would snake out of his clothing to caress his sidekick like a disgusting pervert. At first he was embarrassed. Now he was simply irritated.
"Ha-ha-ha," Shego chuckled as the flowery vine crept out of his collar and wrapped around her. "Stop that, it tickles!"
Drakken simply sighed and picked up a pair of large pruning shears. With well-practiced precision he cut the vine from his neck and didn't even bother to watch as it thrashed around on the floor next to the other vines that had begun to pile up. At least they stopped twitching after five or ten minutes.
"Why'd ya do that for?" Shego snapped. "I was enjoying that!"
Drakken put his hands over his face and sighed in humiliation.
"All right," Shego put leaned against his desk and put her body in close proximity to his. "What's wrong now? Don't think that the world rewarded you enough? Think they should have thrown some money into the bargain?"
"No, that's not it," he muttered as his neck erupted in sunflower sized flower petals again.
"Then what's the matter?" Shego asked testily. "For the last few days you've just been moping around. You've become a real vegetable. Heh-heh. Get it? A real vegetable."
His indignant frown nearly caused her to chuckle again.
"That's better!" she grinned. "That's the Drakken I know! He's the guy who hates the world and never knows when to quit!"
Drakken gasped and looked like he had seen a ghost. To be honest, his blue skin and scarred face had given him a corpselike appearance for as long as Shego had known him. Since Shego's pale-as-death skin had a slightly greenish tint, she usually refrained from commenting about his color.
"That's it, Shego!" he breathed. "That's what's wrong!"
"What is?" Shego didn't see it. "What's wrong?"
"I don't hate the world anymore," he uttered in shock.
"What?" Shego blinked. "You don't hate the world? Why not? Just because they gave you a medal? Team Go has lots of medals back at Go Tower. None of them mean anything. Fame is fleeting. In a few years, no one will care."
"But don't you see?" Drakken didn't seem to be listening. "I've finally received recognition. The world isn't laughing at me. They all know that I am a genius…" Suddenly he shook his head as if trying to awaken from a bad dream. "Wait a minute. Go Tower? Team Go? What are you talking about?"
"Hello!" She waved a hand in front of his face. "Go Tower. As in Go City, my hometown. The headquarters of Team Go, the team of superheroes my brothers and I created after a comet from space gave us colorful superpowers?"
"Doesn't ring a bell," Drakken shrugged. "You used to be a superhero? Really?"
"Yes!" Shego growled. "We must have had this conversation dozens of times. If you weren't so fixated on yourself you would know that!"
"Ah yes," he nodded as he rose from his chair and pointed at the ceiling dramatically. "That's right! We were talking about me!"
"Why do I even bother?" Shego sighed and shook her head.
Drakken ignored her. "Let's see, where was I? Ah yes. I don't hate the world anymore, and it's really putting a cramp on my style."
"Since when have you had style?" Shego teased as she put her hands to her hips.
"Har-dee-har," Drakken crossed his arms in irritation. "You know what I mean."
"I know what you mean," she nodded. "I endure that torture every day. I can never hate the world enough to come up with my own plan of doom and destruction. But you…I mean you…" She waved her hands in front of herself as if trying to ward away imaginary insects, and then pointed at her boss. "You hate the world so much that you make Professor Dementor look like a pacifist! Look, if you don't feel like making the world pay, just go to the DMV. You'll hate the world again, and soon, I promise."
Drakken took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I hope you're right, Shego. The alternative is too horrible to contemplate."
Shego couldn't resist needling him. "What? You'll turn over your doomsday devices over to your cousin Eddy?"
"No!" Drakken stamped his foot on the floor. "If I go legit you'll leave me and never come back!"
"So what?" Shego seemed to get angry. Or was she simply being defensive? "I've quit before. I've always come back. Why would I leave anyway?"
"C'mon Shego," Drakken argued. "Remember Hank Perkins and the cupcakes? You hated it when I was just a businessman. You were going crazy when we were in the cupcake business!"
"I was going crazy with boredom, that's why," Shego insisted. "While you and Hank Perkins were playing telephone, I had nothing to do."
"Exactly Shego," Drakken nodded, "that's the problem. With my genius and total lack of morals I could go far in nearly any enterprise that I put my mind to…"
"Except at taking over the world," Shego grinned.
"Yes! Even at taking over the world! I'm a natural!" Drakken shouted. Then his voice returned to a conversational tone. "But I could just as easily be an executive or a CEO. I did a great job running Bueno Nacho. Hank's Gourmet Cupcakes were a success. We would have survived that slump if you hadn't destroyed our main factory while battling the buffoon."
"If I hadn't…!" Shego spluttered as he hands lit up with an eerie green glow.
"Not that we both haven't made mistakes in the past!" He quickly added as he nervously attempted a disarming smile. Although the accident that gave him blue skin had endowed him with uncanny recuperative abilities, it had also doubled his sensitivity to pain. Even now, he wore a special blue outfit that matched his azure pallor and didn't irritate his skin. He even wore gloves to protect his hands at all times. "Over the years, we've both made our share of 'little oopses' now and then!"
"Keep blaming your failures on me, and that will be a big oops!" she snarled.
"Heh-heh," he smiled shakily. "We don't want to change the subject do we? The point is that I could become a success without being a villain."
"So what's stopping you?" Shego seemed skeptical, but at least she wasn't angry. Much.
"Like I said, you'll leave me," he responded.
"So just call up Hank Perkins," she shrugged. "The two of you can go into business and make Drakkenburgers or something. Or open a chain of flower shops."
"I don't want to call Hank Perkins," he insisted. "I want you to be my partner."
"So what do you want me to do?" joked Shego. "Steal the money so you won't need a business loan?"
"That's not a bad idea…" he put his hand to his chin, "but after we get started we won't need to commit any crimes. At least not blue collar ones that is…maybe fraud, embezzling and corporate espionage…but the main point is that you may not find the corporate ladder as rewarding as villainy. What then?"
"Why should you care?" Shego shrugged. "As long as you succeed, who cares?"
"I do, you stupid woman!" Drakken shouted without warning. "I care! I don't want you to leave! Do you got that? I don't want you to go! I get lonely, alright? Is that what you want to hear? I don't have any friends because I'm evil and push everyone away! I don't want to push you away too!"
"Whoa," Shego held her hands out in a conciliatory gesture. "Calm down, chief. Better switch to decaf. I was just playing the devil's advocate. Besides, if I left for a while maybe you'd hate the world again. Then you'd become a villain and I'd come back."
"Get serious, Shego." Drakken shook his head. "If I'm a success as a businessman, I won't want to quit. I'd have to give up everything I was working for! I don't want to have to start all over again if I can help it."
"So now what?" Shego shrugged. "It's looks like you're stuck. You got any incentive to make me stay?"
"Incentive?" Drakken scratched his head. "You mean like money? When I become a success, I'll have plenty of that."
"Yeah, right." Shego crossed her arms skeptically. "You're too cheap. Maybe you're right. Maybe I will walk."
"No! Don't walk!" Drakken flailed his arms uselessly. "You don't have to! I'll um…I'll marry you! Yes, that's it!"
"You'll what?" Now it was Shego's turn to look like she had seen a ghost. Her pale skin lost all trace of color as her eyes bulged out and her jaw dropped.
"Yes!" Drakken grinned evilly. "It's brilliant! I'll marry you! Then you'll have all those things that women want! A home, commitment, a husband who is the envy of her neighbors! It's brilliant! You'll have no reason to leave!" He cackled sinisterly. "Ha-ha-ha! Why didn't I see it before?"
"Are you out of your mind?" Shego asked him.
"Frequently, but that's what makes be such a genius!" he crowed. "I think so far out of the box, I don't even know where the box is!" He took the opportunity to indulge in some evil laughter. "Aha-ha-ha!"
"Not gonna happen," Shego shook her head.
"What?" The look of alarm on his face made it seem as if Kim Possible had a shotgun pointed at his head. "Why not?"
"Drakken, what makes you think I'd want to marry you?" she asked him.
"Why wouldn't you?" He honestly seemed confused. "You live here anyway. We do everything together. Eat together, steal together, go to karaoke night together…"
"I don't even like karaoke," Shego insisted.
"That's the point, Shego!" Drakken's spirits began to rise again. "We do everything together, even if we hate it! Isn't that what marriage is all about?"
"That's what a buddy movie is all about," Shego insisted. "You know, two people who argue with each other the entire movie but are willing to give up everything for each other? That's a buddy movie. Not a marriage."
"But we're opposite genders," Drakken insisted. "Think about it, Shego, we could take it to a level that no buddy movie would dare to go! We would have murdered each other by now if we were going to, but we didn't! After all our failures, after all of the horrible things that we've done to each other we're still together and willing to risk our lives for each other! Come on, Shego! I'm not going to give that up! I'll do anything to hold on to you, even become a hunted criminal again!"
"Gosh, that's so sweet," Shego brushed a tear out of her eye. "I'll bet that I could even commit adultery and you'd kill my lover instead of me."
"Well, that goes without saying," he shrugged. "I wouldn't want to lose you over a little thing like treachery."
"This could actually work," Shego put her hand on her chin. "With your total lack of charm, I wouldn't have to worry about you cheating on me. I'll actually have to give this some thought."
"Good!" gushed Drakken. "So you'll do it? Hey! What do you mean 'total lack of charm'?"
"But if you expect me to walk down the aisle with you, I want something in return," Shego wagged her finger at him.
"There's always a catch," Drakken grumbled. "What is it you want? No pre-nup? Don't worry, you'll get half!"
"Doy," Shego rolled her eyes, "but that goes without saying. No, I mean I want you to make my toes curl."
"What, are you insane?" Drakken grimaced. "I thought that we've both been mutated enough! At least it looks good on you, but these stupid plants are driving me crazy!"
"No, you idiot, make me fall in love with you!" Shego scolded.
"Well that sounds simple enough," Drakken muttered.
"Without mind control," she added.
"Why are you making this so hard?" He whined pitifully. "All I want is for you to marry me. Is that so bad?"
"Yes!" Shego shouted. "You are whiney, ugly, irritating, and boring! You have to be the least romantic man in the world! If you, me, and Kim Possible were the last three people on Earth, I'd be trying to start a family with Kimmy before I'd try my luck with you! You are about as romantic as an elderly skunk with diarrhea! Give me romance! Give me Paris! Give me flowers!"
"I can give you all the flowers you need," he winced as he plucked huge flower petals from his neck. "Believe me."
"You know what I mean!" she snapped.
"I tried to take over Paris, too!" he insisted.
"Why you…!" Shego put her hand over her eyes and grimaced as if she was in pain. "I must have been out of my mind to even consider it! Okay, the wedding is off! You're really going to have to knock my socks off just to get me to say 'maybe'. And if you do it wrong…" Shego looked him in the eyes and ignited one of her hands. The fingertips of her glove appeared to sharpen in the strange green light. "…You'll get a second scar if you push it, got it?"
"Yes, Shego," Drakken backed away meekly. "I got it, I won't push it…Hey wait a minute!" The blue bad guy stood up straight and clenched his fist in a heroic pose. "I'm the boss! I'm the supervillain! You're just the sidekick! I'm the one who will make the threats around here!"
"You've already threatened to marry me," Shego shrugged. "I can't think of a more hideous fate than waking up with you on the other side of the bed."
"Oh you'll see, Shego!" Drakken called at her back as she sauntered away from him. "I'll get you to fall in love with me somehow! Mark my words, you'll be so in love with me that you'll think that Brad Pitt is Quasimodo!"
"I like Johnny Depp now," she called back.
"Same difference!" he shouted.
(Beep-Beep, De-Deep)
Ooohh yeahh yeah
I'm your basic average girl
And I'm here to save the world
You can't stop me
Cause I'm Kim Pos-si-ble
There
is nothin' I can't do
When danger calls
Just know that I am
on my way (know that I am on my way)
It
doesn't matter where or when there's trouble
If ya just call my
name
Kim Possible
Whenever you need me baby
Call me, beep me
if ya wanna reach me
Chorus
Call
me, beep me if ya wanna reach me
When ya wanna page me it's okay
Ron: Kim!
Doesn't
matter where
Doesn't matter when (doesn't matter when)
I will
be there for ya til the very end
Danger or trouble
I'm there on
the double
You know that you always can call
Kim Possible
(Beep-Beep, De-Deep)
Kim: So what's the sitch?
Call me, beep me if ya wanna reach me.
As the week progressed, Drakken put his formidable intellect to the task of winning Shego's love. Unfortunately, Shego was correct. He did seem to suffer from a total lack of charm.
First, he tried the classics: That morning, while Shego was sunning herself on a tanning booth that she set up in the main control room, Drakken walked in with a smile on his face, a bow tie around his neck, and a bouquet of flowers clutched behind his back.
Shego, who was in a green one-piece bathing suit glanced at Drakken through her black sunglasses, and snorted. "What's with the dopey grin? Did you send away for natural male enhancement or somethin'?"
Sweat trickled down from his forehead as his smile wavered. Then he slowly brought the flowers into view and presented them to Shego. "Here you go, Shego. For you."
"Thanks," she said as she reached out to take them. She didn't even look as her fist ignited into green flames, burning the bouquet to a crisp.
The next day, when Shego was reading a book, Drakken entered the room with a guitar in his hands and started playing.
"Shego in the sky with di-amonds…" he sang. "Shego in the sky with di-amonds…no wait. That should be emeralds, shouldn't it? Shego in the sky with emeralds…"
Without saying a word, Shego rose from her chair, walked over to Drakken and snatched the guitar out of his hands. Swinging the instrument like a baseball player, she hit the wall with such force that the guitar was broken into three large pieces. She then handed the fractured instrument back to the evil scientist. After all, the strings were still holding the dangling pieces of the shattered guitar together.
That night, as Shego turned out the light and crawled into bed, she heard a tapping at her tower window. "What could that be?" she asked herself. She turned on the light, slipped a green bathrobe on over her pajamas (guess what color) and strode over to the window. "Doctor Dee?" she gasped as she opened the window. "What in the world? What are you doing outside my window this late at night?"
"Hark!" Doctor Drakken was in a round flying-saucer type vehicle that hovered in the air like a harrier jet. "What light through yonder window breaks?" he said as he struck a heroic pose. "It is the east, and Shego is the sun!"
"Ugh," Shego rolled her eyes. "It's too late for this. Cork it. Come back tomorrow." She reached out of the window and flicked a switch on the controls of his flying saucer.
"Wait!" Drakken cried as the flying saucer zoomed backwards out of control. "Shego!" He hollered as the vehicle suddenly lost power and plummeted into the sea.
The next day, a bitter Drakken was watching a small portable television while eating, what else? A TV dinner.
"We're here with the world famous teenage heroes, Kim Possible and her longtime partner, Ron Steppalbe." Said a cheerily fake interviewer.
"Stoppable," Kim corrected.
"Of course," the interviewer replied, "but I understand that you and your sidekick are now an item. Tell me, Ronald, the world wants to know: When are you going to propose to this young woman?"
"As soon as we get enough money to move into our own place," Ron joked.
"Ron!" Kim blushed.
"Ngrah!" Drakken picked up the television and threw it across the room. "Even the buffoon can find true love! Why him and not me? He's about as romantic as a heart attack! What does he know that I don't?" Suddenly, the evil scientist stopped shouting as his eyes darted back and forth. His voice was now a sinister whisper. "What does he know that I don't? Well there's one quick and easy way to find out! I think that it's time that we paid Kim Possible's buffoon a visit. Heh-heh-heh!" he cackled nefariously. "Shego!" he shouted. "Get in here! I have a job for you! We haven't kidnapped anyone in a long time!"
Shego strode in the room as radiant as a bride on her wedding day. "There ya go! That's the Drakken I know and love!" When Drakken gave her a surprised look, she gulped and then stammered. "I mean know and respect…er…uh…I mean know and like…um…Just get off my back, all right?"
Next: Go Miss Go