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Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches
Compiled and created by jynkyg and The Fat Chipmunk

While many may find it considerably odd that Ronald Weasley, master of tactlessness, has offered advice to his best friend on the matter of love, of all things (and in the form of a book, no less), we find it safe to infer that Harry Potter is quite content with the results of the use of said book. Messrs. Potter and Weasley have also encouraged and promoted its widespread use to all men in dire straits, whether he be young or old, experienced or not, tactful or tactless.

And so we come to present you with the second edition of this marvelous list, which now comes complete with tips and real situations designed to show you the true effectiveness of the Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches!

Note: Although this is related to 101 Things and House Pride, it did require a bit more imagination on our part than those two so we are taking credit for most of it. Anywho, we just hope you enjoy. Oh, and it's DH canon – or so we'd like to believe, but if you find any inconsistencies feel free to inform us. :)

1. Compliment her sincerely and often. Every witch appreciates recognition for her skills.

Get those sexist views out of the way, men! Trying to be controlling, condescending, or just plain ignorant can leave you lying in the gutters. Your witch needs to know that you see, you care, and you are – occasionally – awed. Most witches are very capable in their own right, and they like that sort of attention and acknowledgement. It doesn't have to be a serious, candlelit ceremony; even a light, passing comment on their achievements, no matter how small, can brighten up their day.

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Ronald's Tip: Never insult her cooking, especially if rations are low.

Saturday, October 2001

All day she'd been sort of wound up and vague, like she'd overdosed on coffee that morning. She flitted in and out of the house on various errands, then came home and flitted in and out of the rooms muttering to herself and looking distracted. I'd wanted to tell her to relax and sit down for a bit, but she was in one of those moods where she'd more likely bite my head off than do anything of the sort.

I was even more bewildered when she sent me out of the house after a cursory lunch, without even an explanation. Grumbling, I went to the only place I could think of – Harry's. Ginny wasn't home, so he and I sat down with two glasses of chilled butterbeer to listen to the Tornados-Magpies match and discuss what was going on.

Harry reminded me that she had a big report due for the Department on Monday, and that she could just be stressing about that. I supposed it made sense, but it didn't make me feel any better by the time I decided it was time to chance a return home.

I wasn't prepared for what I saw inside. Hermione was in the kitchen, with the whole apron thing going on, and cooking up a storm worthy of Mum. Actually, the storm seemed to have abated for the most part; there was only one pot left bubbling on the stove, while the other dishes had already been placed on the table. Even the setup looked more graceful than usual.

Cursing Harry and his idiotic ideas, I quickly racked my brains to see if there was some important event I'd forgotten.

"Hello, Ron," she said with a smile, turning around as I closed the door behind me.

At least she looked cheerful.

"Is there…an occasion?" I asked casually as I sat down.

"Should there be?" she said, which didn't help me a bit.

I looked down. There was even a tablecloth. "It looks very…er…fancy."

"Fancy schmancy," she said, waving her hand dismissively. With a few more flicks of her wand, the bubbling pot carefully poured its contents out into two bowls and soared over to complete the dinner. The way her eyes were glowing as she sat down across from me was making me sweat.

"Well?" she demanded impatiently, taking off her apron. "What are you waiting for?"

I glanced apprehensively at her one last time before taking up my spoon. I dipped it cautiously into the cream of broccoli soup and slowly brought it up to eye-level.

I took a deep breath and put the spoon, soup and all, into my mouth.

I swallowed.

I blinked. This was…this was good.

"Wow, Hermione!" I exclaimed, going in for a second taste. "This is great! I'm not even kidding."

She raised her eyebrows at me. "Does that mean you were kidding when you said the same thing yesterday?"
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