Perfection
No one in this world is perfect. Nothing in this world is perfect. Everything has it flaws, everyone makes mistakes. There is no such thing as perfection. Every rose has its thorns, and even when it looks beautiful from the outside, it will wither in your hands, will be blown away by the wind. A rose is beautiful, but not perfect. It will die and eventually lose all it's pride and beauty. Nothing is perfect.
I'm not trying to be perfect anymore.
But he is.
People search for perfection, in everything they do, everywhere they go. They call other people perfect, forget their flaws and erase their mistakes. People have forgotten what perfection is, because they think they can reach it. People are meant to believe in silly things and to strive for things they will never reach. Perfection is just a word, just an image, just a thing that is out of reach for everyone. Perfection is a useless thing, for one would never be able to understand, determinate and write it down. It's yet another illusion humans made with their minds, full of thoughts, full of fantasy and unreleased imagination. In their world of make believe, they told themselves perfection was a thing that could be grasped and lived. People need hope, so they hope to reach that perfection, that illusion that has never been there.
I'm not trying to be perfect anymore.
But he is.
Kyouya Ootori is desperately trying to be perfect.
I watch him try, from afar, from the shadows. I don't think he cares about being perfect, but his father does, so he tries and tries and tries to reach that what is unreachable. He is trying so hard that it makes me sorrowful, but I don't stop him. Kyouya was born as the third son and therefore he has to be perfect. He has to support his brothers, without surpassing them. He has to meet every single expectation his father thought of. He has to be perfect, but he knows he can't be. He refuses to see, refuses to give up.
I think he wants to be loved. I think he wants his father to turn around, smile at him and tell him: "I'm really proud of you, Kyouya."
But he never does. He never will. So Kyouya keeps trying. So Kyouya keeps drowning. There is no one to save him. There is no one to take his hand and help him reach perfection. He is friendly, polite, handsome, has the best grades, intelligent, reliable, dutiful… But that still isn't perfect enough. People always find a flaw. People destroy their own perfection. It's only because humans are humans, they can never reach that dear perfection of them. They don't really want to reach it, because when they do, they'll find something that has to be even better. They strive and run, but smash it away when they find it. Humans are complicated beings. They will not be satisfied with what they have, so they made something that could not be reached, just to have something to do in their life. They have to run after something; have to chase a floating dream.
I'm not trying to be perfect anymore.
But he is.
Kyouya has always been alone. He has always been just not good enough. He has always failed, even when he succeeded where everyone else wouldn't. How many times did he go home, hoping for a smile, for a sign of appreciation, only to hear yet another thing he had to be perfect in? No, he'll never reach it. He'll never be good enough. He'll always fail; he'll always be just a little behind. No one expects him to be completely perfect, because they know he will never be. But still he tries. He tries and he'll keep trying until he dies.
I'm not trying to be perfect anymore. I don't believe I will ever meet someone who is perfect and I don't believe I will ever see perfection.
But Kyouya Ootori wants to be perfect.
What is perfection?
Perfection is that state of being where there are no flaws anymore. That seems lifeless and sad to me. Humans can never be perfect, because then they wouldn't be humans anymore. We are born as humans and we'll always be. We are destroying our own perfection; we are breaking down everything that is perfect, because we'll always find a flaw. We are humans and we are afraid of perfection. We know we cannot find, reach or see it, but still we are trying, but when we find something beautiful, we are too blunt and stupid to call it perfect. We need an endless dream to chase. Perfection is perfect because humans cannot be it.
'Perfection' is a useless word. There is no point in it's existance. We cannot reach it, we cannot be it, so why is it there? Why is there a word that no one can ever be? Why is there a word that we cannot write down in words? Why is there just a thing like that? It doesn't make sense to me. It makes people bring disaster upon themselves. If it's there to compare ourselves with, it's stupid, because everyone keeps telling that it is okay that you're not perfect. No, there is no use for a word like perfection. It only hurt him. And therefore it hurts me.
When we watch a rose, we search its thorns. When we are in love, we think of what happens when it ends. When we see something beautiful, we compare it with something else. When we have friends, we say bad things behind their back. When we are completely happy, we find sadness.
Why? Why isn't it good enough like that?
Why isn't Kyouya good enough?
He was just born on the wrong day and in the wrong place and therefore he will never be happy. I don't believe that is fair. I honestly believe Kyouya could reach a little closer to that so called perfection and that he can be perfect in everything he does. I believe he can fly higher than anyone of us, if we are only kind enough to repair his wings that are broken down every time his father doesn't even look at him, even when he tried so hard.
If I was him, I would've given up long ago. I think Kyouya knows he'll never be good enough, but still he fights. He is searching for that perfection, determinate to reach it and smash it in his father face. I believe Kyouya is a strong person, but he is trying too hard. That is also a flaw and therefore he isn't perfect.
Everyone has flaws. Why do they look on Kyouya's flaws so closely? Why is he forced to be caged, to be different, to be perfect? Don't they know, don't they know that it kills him? Don't they know how he fights the tears when he is alone? Don't they know what I know?
I'm not trying to be perfect anymore.
But Kyouya still does.
Everyone has flaws.
So has Hikaru, my beloved twin. I looked away so many times, but there is no denying. Hikaru isn't perfect. And he'll never be. He can be childish, easily jealous and he has completely no control over his emotions. Unable to voice any own emotions, he always depends on me. I think that is a flaw. I think Hikaru has many flaws.
But I still love him. I love him with all my heart and I always will.
Tamaki has flaws too, our flamboyant lord. He is stupid sometimes, naïve and he believes everyone is good in this world. He's concerned about others, but when it comes to himself, it can take a very, very long time for him to realise it. He has a serious unhealthy lack of common sense. I think Tamaki has a lot of flaws.
But he changed our world, still, and when he's gone I'm sure people would miss him.
Honey has his flaws, the cute, small boy. He's too focused on what's cute and fun, that he forgets about the world around him. He's depending on Mori too much, he's connecting himself too much. He's pretending to be naïve and lively, but inside he must be sad sometimes too. I think Honey has flaws, hidden under his shining smile.
But still I believe he's a good person and I like to be around him.
Mori isn't perfect either, the silent shadow looking over Honey's shoulder. Even when he is caring and kind-hearted, he isn't aware of the effect his words could have. He tends to blend away, to be a shadow and nothing more. He lives in function of someone else, and I don't think that is very smart. If there will ever be a moment when words could make someone stay, I don't believe he will say it and make that person stay. I believe he will watch and drown inside the pain, and that is most certainly a flaw.
But still, he is my friend and I'm happy I met him.
Haruhi has her flaws too. She isn't a very good heroine, with her lack of curiosity and her blunt, sometimes hurtful actions. She only relies on herself and forgets that she can cause other people trouble by making them worried about her. She shuts herself away from the world and she tends to think about everything, except for herself. She isn't very tactful, and subtle signs will be overlooked.
But still, she's a nice girl and she expanded our world a little.
I certainly have a lot of flaws too. I clung to Hikaru too much and I shut myself away from anything that hurts. I run away from every painful memory, I run and hope someone will follow me. I'm nothing alone. The day I've let Hikaru go, because that would be better for him, I forgot myself. I cried so many times about it, and it still hurts a little, but once again I'll run. I don't like pain and therefore I avoid it.
But still, I don't believe I'm a bad person. I don't believe I've ever done really wrong things in my life. I've never killed anyone, I've never stolen anything. I'm a good person if you look at it that way. But I'm not perfect. I'll never be perfect.
We all have our flaws, but Kyouya's flaws are spotted with a frightening acuteness and exaggerated. He'll do everything to hide those flaws, to reach perfection a little more. He'll do everything just to be good enough, but he'll never be.
No, nothing in this world is perfect.
I'm not trying to be perfect anymore.
But he does.
I believe perfection can be spotted in simple things. I believe nothing is perfect, but we can make ourselves an image of what it might look like, what it might feel like, in the simplest things of life. I believe perfection can be found in a simple smile. Because I've seen that. I believe perfection is found when you are smart enough to know everything has it flaws, but love it nonetheless. I believe someone is perfect when his beauty shines over his flaws and his imperfections. I believe perfection can be found for mere seconds, like a single flash through your heart.
Some people say they are perfectly happy. They are liars. I know. But I don't care. Maybe they know too, that perfections will never be reached. Maybe they, too, have given their own definition to it. I've made my own image of perfection, and I'm sure that such an image can be reached.
I hope Kyouya will know someday. I hope he'll stop running and chasing the orders of his father. I hope that stinging pain in his chest will stop someday. I hope I can make him understand. I hope that someday, one day, he can laugh at perfection and see it in the simple things, the things of this life.
When we watch the sun set, do we think about the pain in this world? No. I believe such a moment could be called a little perfect. I believe it is okay to call that perfect, even when it isn't.
Let's forget about the pain and the misery. Let's kill the loneliness, let's glare at perfection. Let's smile about how imperfect we are.
I don't need perfection. I don't need to be perfect. I don't need a perfect life.
I believe no one is perfect. I honestly believe that.
I've witnessed perfection only once in my life. It was when we were playing kick the can. I was standing there, on Kyouya's side and we were talking. He smiled to me that day. Just smiled. Without merit and without pretence, he smiled to me. He smiled because he was happy, happy to be in this bizarre Host Club, happy to meet those people, happy to be around us. He smiled to me that day, and I'll cherish that moment in my heart, in my mind, my body and my soul.
I'll never know what perfection is, and I'll never reach it.
But I honestly believe that Kyouya's true smile is the closet thing to perfection I will ever witness in my life. I'll forget his flaws, his mistakes and his imperfection and I'll make my own image of perfection. That image would be based on that single moment, on his smile.
Kyouya isn't perfect to this world, because he'll never be good enough and he has his own flaws. But I'll look past them and look at his true smile, heal his heart, be around him and get to know him. I'll make him understand that he cannot reach perfection, because he's already so close it will start running if he comes closer. I will smile at him and love him, just for who he is.
I'll love all his flaws. I'll love his perfection. I'll love everything that is him. That's what I told him, that's what I know is our own perfection. He smiled to me, back then, showed me his true smile again. I kissed him, that day, and he kissed back. I believe that was the most perfect moment there is in my life. Yes, if I'll think about it, I could find some flaws and therefore I will not think about it.
Kyouya Ootori isn't trying to be perfect anymore.
Because he knows that to me, he already is.
Heeeeey!!! Well, yay, another KyouKao! I'm sorry, but for once I'm not going to be irritating and write my stupid thoughts down here, and I'll just leave it be. I still have exams and I shouldn't be writing this at all! Bad, bad me! XD Oh well, I think it's okay, and I really hate that word 'perfection'. I just had to write this.
Please review! It really makes my world a better place XD And you get a hig from Kaoru or Kyouya if you do! I swear! So please, review and read my other stories, 'kaaaaaaay?! XD
- Jazyrha