This chapter has caused me a handful of problems, but I think I have the majority of the kinks worked out. What ones that are left I have planned for straightening in the next chapter. The main problem I have is that this is probably the chapter that has the least to do with the source materials I'm parodying. So, I had to continue the story, while still keeping the feel of it alive. Let me know if I was successful, no?
Chapter Two: The Worst Vice
By: Shawn "The Unfunny Joke" Wheeler
Disclaimer: All characters are property of their rightful owners.
He couldn't breathe. The smell of smoke, thick and black, choked his lungs to the point that he thought they were liable to explode. It was everywhere, stinging his eyes, and yet it seemed to come from nowhere. Surely, such smoke had to be coming from some terrible fire.
But there were no flames to be seen, despite terrible crippling heat.
Where was he? How did he get there? What had happened?
He didn't know. The only thing he didunderstand was that he was alone, and that he was never going to see anyone ever again. That thought was stuck in his mind.
No!
He fought to speak, but no words left his lips. The only thing keeping him from believing he was deaf was the constant malicious laughter ringing through his mind. It was never ending, never changing, and driving him insane.
Stop it! Who are you?
No answer. Could they even hear him? Was there anything he could do?
Where am I?
Suddenly, in answer to his question, the billowing smoke lifted, showing him for the first time where he was. It looked, for the most part, as if he were in a cave. The walls were blood red, and seemed to be closing in around him from all angles. Every direction he looked, he could see no exit. He was well and truly stuck.
Who did this to me?
The laughter stopped. For the longest time, there was complete silence. Finally, a voice answered. His own voice.
"You did."
Somehow, he knew it was true. It was his fault, and there was nothing he could do about it. Nothing.
The laughter began once again, almost louder than before.
And there he stood, as the smoke once again began pouring from some unknown source, completely and utterly alone.
…
Beast Boy sat straight up in his bed, eyes wide from fright. Muttering a few choice words under his breath, he wiped his now sweaty forehead with one of his bed sheets. Wonderful, it had happened again. This was his second restless night in a row thanks to nightmares.
And the worst thing was, try as he might, he just couldn't seem to remember even a small detail about what had been jolting him awake. It was like forgetting a word you knew you knew, or having the answer to a riddle on the tip of your tongue.
What had he done to deserve such a thing as this? Were his dreams some sort of karmic retribution for a prank pulled in bad taste? If so, he would apologize in a heartbeat if only to have a good night's sleep again. It may have only been two nights, but it felt as if something was eating at his very essence, and the effect was making him exhausted.
His thoughts were interrupted by the long buzz of his alarm clock, taunting him with the knowledge that it was indeed time to get up.
Joy of joys, a six o'clock training session was exactly what he needed. Surely running an obstacle course and pushing himself to his limit would be the perfect way to end his life.
Dripping with sweat, and sarcasm usually reserved as Raven's, the troubled young man peeled himself off of his bed and began to go through the motions of another day; a day that was going to involve more coffee and caffeine than normal.
…
Raven dried her hair, freshly washed from her usual after training shower. A nice, warm shower was the type of relaxing activity that could rival meditation, and a shower had the wonderful side effect of keeping a person from smelling like Beast Boy.
With that particular green person in her mind, Raven's thoughts traveled back to the session that had recently passed. All things considered, it had been one of the easiest training sessions that she had ever participated in, and she had unfortunately missed only a precious few.
And yet, Beast Boy had seemed to have had problems with almost everything he was assigned to do. He was running far below his usual pace, lifting far less weight than normal, and holding even his smallest animal forms for very short periods of time.
Even his small sparing match against Starfire had been a pathetic sight to hold. The two of them were usually quite the interesting match to see, albeit a very green one, so it was easy to tell that Beast Boy was not putting much effort behind his attacks.
Raven had her theories as to why he wasn't performing up to his usual par. For the last few nights she had noticed very strong negative emotions coming off of him, which she assumed were causing him difficulty in his sleeping patterns.
It wouldn't be the first time something like this had caused a team member to have sleepless nights, and it never tended to last longer than a night or two. If it did persist for much longer, Raven noted to herself, she would ask her friend if there was anything he needed to talk about.
Until such a time came to be however, Raven pushed her mild worry and curiosity out of her mind and focused on finding something else to occupy her time.
But what?
Deciding that reading was as good a choice as any, she sank into her floor traveling with the help of her powers into the living room. There she sat and reached for the newspaper before thumbing through it.
For the most part, she found the local paper to be a waste of time. She wasn't a fan of politics, and the majority of their other stories revolved around her and her friends saving the city from one threat or another.
But, it still wasn't a terrible idea to stay up to date with current happenings in the world. Besides, if something ridiculous like a war with the Amazonians were to happen, Raven wanted to know about it.
At any rate, she had also discovered a new guilty pleasure. It had been a fluke really, yesterday she had been looking at an ad for a sale at a store she liked that sold incense and candles, and she had noticed the small self help article beside it.
She had started reading for whatever reason, fully expecting to find both question and advice to be pointless.
What she found was something altogether different. The writer, going only by the assumed initials of LS, gave good advice and was not one to put up with any form of annoyance from the people writing in their questions. If a person was being stupid, "LS" called them on the fact while still doing what was possible to send them in the right direction.
There was something about that that struck a chord with Raven, and to top it all off, this person was apparently a graduate of a very prestigious university, working towards both a doctorate and getting a novel published.
How a writer of this much talent was forced to write something as lowly as a self help column was only a testament to the sad state of affairs in the world today.
Giving a small sigh at that final thought, Raven began to read the newest batch of questions. They all seemed typical enough, ranging from 'how to get a mother-in-law out of the house' to 'how much space should a parent give their child'. None of them seemed to be all that interesting.
The final question however, was a little different.
Dear LS;
I've got a friend, and we've known each other for ages. But, there's a problem. He has this thing… where he has to constantly make jokes. It's terrible and quite straining, especially because the majority of his jokes are quite terrible.
The problem I have isn't about getting him to stop though. Actually, he's currently mad at me, stating that I've never once laughed at anything he has said, and in fact do nothing but put him down for his efforts. He's even gone so far as to suggest that my actions have caused him emotional harm, and that he is kept awake many nights because of me.
What should I do? I know it probably is hurting him a little, but is it really worth my dignity?
Thanks in advance.
Not Laughing.
Raven read over the question a second and third time, and always with the same confused look on her face. This was…
What exactly was this? A coincidence?
More than likely it was, and Raven knew it, but it still rang close to home, reminding her of a somewhat similar problem that she herself had with her unfunny green friend. Of course, her situation was nowhere near as bad as the person who wrote the letter's was. Beast Boy accepted Raven's lack of laughing and simply used it as an excuse to continue.
Finally reaching that conclusion, she continued to read the columnist's answer.
Dear Not Laughing;
Don't be stupid. At the very least, don't be naive.
Of course it's worth your so-called dignity. Why wouldn't it be? A friend is a terrible thing to waste, and that is easily what you are doing.
Laugh. Is it really that difficult for you to muster a chuckle?
It seems to me that your friend has laid it out nicely for you. He's taking your reactions to heart and is starting to realize that it, isn't worth the effort, and neither are you. If he's honestly being physically affected by the situation, then you need to be a friend.
No, this isn't what you want to hear, but you need to hear it. It isn't like you'll be damned for your efforts, so what's the harm?
With a Smile,
LS
Raven closed the paper and set it down next to where she was sitting. Normally, she would have simply rolled her eyes at a response like that, but she had grown to appreciate this writer's advice.
However, she reasoned, it wasn't advice to her. Yes, the person that had written in did have a strikingly similar situation, but it just wasn't the same. She and Beast Boy bickered. It was, for a lack of a better term, one of "their things". She understood this, which is why she was hardly ever as upset about the jokes as she pretended.
With these calming thoughts helping to ease the now present doubt in her mind, Raven lifted to her feet in order to head to the kitchen and fetch a cup of tea. That was exactly what she needed to put this nonsense out of her head.
And of course, it was nonsense.
Wasn't it?