There will be times on this journey when
All you'll see is darkness,
But out there somewhere
Daylight finds you
If you keep believing.
All the things that you can change,
There's a meaning in everything,
And you will find all you need,
There's so much to understand –
Take a look through my eyes,
There's a better place somewhere out there.
Just take a look through my eyes,
Everything changes,
You'll be amazed what you'll find
If you look through my eyes.
-- From Look Through My Eyes by Phil Collins.
6. Daylight Finds You
"You sure you can handle leading your own team?"
Pantha didn't even hesitate. She punched a fist into the palm of her other hand and smiled fiercely into her communicator. "Believe me, Titans South will rise to supremacy as the champions of all Titans teams."
Bumblebee couldn't help a small smile etching her lips. She liked Pantha. She was brutish and coarse, but she was also competent and didn't take crap from anybody. Plus she was too capable not tobe taken seriously, as she'd proven in the fight against the Brotherhood.
"It's not a contest, you know."
"As you say. But Titans South will still be champions."
"Only if you can beat Titans East, girlfriend."
For a moment Pantha looked confused, until she realised what Bumblebee meant by the term. Her expression cleared and she wagged one clawed finger. "Shall we make a small wager on that?"
"Pass. I'm no gambler."
"Oh, but just a small challenge of the odds makes victory all the sweeter," Pantha said, her sporting background showing through. Bumblebee wondered how many times, when the odds were against her, Pantha had made her own 'small wager' on herself and raked in the cash because of it.
"Still pass."
"You are afraid your teammates cannot succeed while you are on the bench?"
"Nothing of the sort. My boys can handle themselves. They're pros at this game." Except it wasn't a game, which was why they were pros at it – because they knew that. Pantha would learn the same, in time. Bumblebee just hoped neither she nor her team would have to go through the hardships Titans East had faced in order to learn that particular lesson.
"Your boys?" One side of Pantha's mask twitched.
Damn.
"Yeah," Bumblebee said, tipped her chin up. You couldn't back down against Pantha. You had to stand your ground or she'd see it as admission of defeat and never let you forget it. Bumblebee was still recovering from when she let her use the bathroom first when everyone went back to Titans Tower after beating the Brotherhood. "My boys."
"I am hoping that, someday, I will be as defensive of my own team as you are of yours. You are like the mother jaguar defending her cubs."
"Uh … yeah." Bumblebee didn't know what to say to that. "So, your Tower's all built and ready for action now?"
"As soon as Argent returns from London, we shall truly be ready for action in the fight against evil."
"And you're okay about giving up your career for this?"
Pantha shrugged. "I had maybe a few years left in the ring. I would rather put my skills to better use than merely the pursuit of money. Besides which, Starfire convinced Red Star to join Titans South and he has a pretty mouth. There are not many men who could stand up to Pantha, and I like a challenge." She smiled roguishly.
"Girl!"
Pantha's laugh was deep and fruity. "You are surprised, when you and Speedy are such a pair?"
Bumblebee choked. "What?" She was glad she was alone in the Tower.
"Yourself and Speedy are an item, no?"
"No!"
"Oh. But I was told-"
"I don't care what you were told. Sassafras and I are not, nor ever will be, an item."
"Sassafras!" Bumblebee raced after where she thought Speedy had gone, Aqualad hot on her heels. This was the worst thing on top of an even worse thing. Why the hell hadn't she checked the door was shut before speaking?
"Why didn't they tell us sooner?" Aqualad demanded. "She has to be close to full term by now."
"The same reason they never tell us anything," Bumblebee replied. "They think we're just a bunch of kids."
"But something like this, something that directly affects one of us…"
One of us. Yes, it was like the news had affected them as much as Speedy. The Titans were all connected; when one hurt, they all hurt. Right now it felt like Bumblebee's heart was going to crack open her ribcage from the inside and crawl out into the world, looking for a less excruciating place to rest. Her breath caught in her throat and phantom injuries materialised all over her body.
Tamping down on the sensations, she leaned against a wall to set her head straight.
"Where is he?" Aqualad wanted to know. "He can't have just vanished."
"You check the floor below, I'll check above. If you see Mas y Menos…" Bumblebee trailed off.
They should tell them. They should. All Titans were connected – but they'd already protected the twins from the worst of what happened to Speedy. Maybe Mas and Menos knew what an STD was. Maybe they'd understood much more than they let on. However, Bumblebee was their leader, even if she hadn't been in the field for a while, which meant she was responsible for all aspects of their wellbeing, and they were only kids.
Aqualad looked at her. "Send them out on an errand?"
"Just tell them not to talk to Speedy for a while, but to let us know where he is if they spot him."
"They're going to ask questions."
"I know, I know, I'll deal with it later. Right now I'm more concerned about finding that big lunkhead before he does something stupid."
Aqualad nodded grimly.
It was discouraging that he didn't argue against the idea.
Aqualad and Mas y Menos arrived at the hospital at the same time, which was pretty amazing when you thought about it.
"Where is she?"
"¿Dónde está ella?"
Speedy explained everything with no more than minor omissions, but they were all too frantic to notice. They insisted on seeing Bumblebee, then realised that was a stupid idea, then argued with each other over who came up with such a dumb thought, and then raged around the waiting room, intimidating other people with their worry and anger.
Mas y Menos got extra zippy when they were mad but Aqualad just got very, very quiet. He seemed to cave in on himself, folding his arms and shutting his eyes like he was wrestling back some enormous internal force with both hands and a cattle prod. Which, considering he was aquakinetic, seemed close to the mark. Speedy had only seen it a few times, but when Aqualad cut loose he really cut loose. It was at times like this Speedy remembered the human body was something like 80 percent water.
After a few minutes of trading silences Aqualad opened his eyes. "Words do not begin to describe how much I want to get my hands on Johnny Rancid right now."
Internally, Speedy winced. It was all still too fresh in his head. "Don't worry. I took care of it."
That gave Aqualad pause. "You did?" An uncertain note crept into his voice, curving up the end the angry monotone.
"I didn't kill the guy, if that's what you're worried about."
"I wasn't."
Liar. But Speedy couldn't bring himself to argue more because only a heartbeat had stood between himself and the other side on that bridge. He'd come so close to losing control; to doing what all Titans – all heroes – swore never to do …
A tight fist of terror still nestled in his gut, and he couldn't identify if he was more scared for Bumblebee or himself.
Aqualad pushed hair from his face. "I never thought we'd be back here so soon, especially not with the thought that we might be so close to losing someone again."
Mas y Menos blew past wielding Spanish words you wouldn't find in the average phrasebook. Aqualad deftly steered them outside with the order to run off some energy, since the porters looked ready to throw them all out if they carried on.
"I hope you guys put on such a great performance when it was me in this place," Speedy said.
"Are you kidding? Calming those two down is nothing. Last time Mas and Menos went into shock and acted like little zombies. Bumblebee was way worse. This is easy in comparison." Aqualad made sure everyone was clear and then spun the revolving door so fast Mas and Menos, on their way in at an even greater speed than before, were catapulted back outside.
"Honestly?" Speedy was shocked. Then he wondered why. Bumblebitch had been on his back ever since he woke up in this damn hospital, what seemed like a lifetime ago. It stood to reason she'd been just as overassertive before he woke up. He wasn't sure how he was meant to react to that now, with her blood on his clothes and the memory of a taut bowstring burning in his mind.
"Dude, despite what you might think, she cares about you. She cares about all of us. She's been tearing herself apart since the day you went missing, blaming herself and trying to … to fix you, I guess. She takes the leader thing really seriously, even though sometimes her aim's a little off. Like when she grabbed a random nurse by the collar, shoved him up against the wall and told him she'd Sting his unmentionables off if he didn't convince the doctors to let you keep your hand."
Unthinkingly, Speedy looked at his left glove. It was sodden, stained with blood and dirt, but he hadn't taken it off like the other one. "She did that?"
"Among other things."
"I never knew."
"Yeah, well, you know as well as I do that she's also stupidly proud. That's why she went out on her own tonight. She thought she could handle Rancid alone and didn't want to call you as back-up in case you got hurt." Aqualad's posture slumped. "I hate irony."
"Yeah." Speedy clenched his fist. Under the glove's dry plush to cushion the noise, his fingers clicked like typewriter keys. "Me too."
Bumblebee knew she'd found him by the crackle of tension in the air. She didn't throw open the stairwell door for fear he was poised on the edge of the roof – which he was. His toes were already over the edge, though his heels tipped back over the concrete rim, forcing his centre of balance askew.
Her breath caught in her throat. He wouldn't … would he?
"Sassafras." She swallowed. "Speedy, come down."
"Why does is it always you who tells me to do stuff I don't wanna do during a crisis?" He didn't look at her. With his mask on his eyes could be anywhere, but he faced out across the bay. Sunrise dyed the sky dark purple, freckled with lemon-coloured clouds. Only a curl of smoke from an oil tanker spoiled the picture postcard scene.
"Luck?"
He snorted. "Lady Luck keeps taking a dump on my head."
Bumblebee winced. "Ew."
"I told you to fuck off."
"I'm terrible at taking orders."
"Take them now, Bumblebitch. Or take advice. Whatever saviour complex you have going on, this isn't the time to try it on me. Just leave me alone."
She took a couple of steps towards him. He still didn't turn around. "I can't do that. See, somewhere along the way since we built this team, I developed a problem with watching you die."
"I'm not going to jump."
"Falling's real close to jumping. Come down, Speedy." She took another few steps and held out her hand.
His hands were already in fists, but it was his elbows, trembling with the effort of keeping his arms by his sides, which caught her attention. "Bumblebitch, I'm not kidding. Just go away."
"I will if you come down from there first. Maybe you're not gonna jump, but I'd feel a whole lot better if you were planted on this side of the wall where -"
"Just leave me alone!"
Bumblebee stopped where she was, hand still outstretched. "Speedy," she said, softly in response to the agony in his voice. Apart from anger and frustration, it was more emotion than she'd heard from him in a long time. "I want to help you -"
"Don't you get it yet? You can't help! You never could! You keep sticking your nose in, looking to find the weak spot in the poor little broken boy, but there isn't one, and no amount of looking is gonna produce it. But you can't – or won't – let up. You can't let me be. You just keep poking and prodding without any thought of how I feel about it because you need me to be damaged so you can play hero and 'save' me, or some other shit. You're so convinced I need fixing you're trying to break me all over again so you can feel better about yourself!"
Bumblebee froze. She knew he was talking like this because he was angry and upset, but the words still stung. "I never -"
"Maybe I just wanted to forget about everything that happened. Maybe every time you brought it up you were doing more harm than good. Ever think of that, huh? Did you?"
"I just did what I thought was right -"
"Well it wasn't! Not for me. Maybe for you. You have such a guilt complex going on because you used to work for Brother Blood, you're always trying to make up for the stuff you did back then and you blame yourself for everything that goes wrong. When are you going to learn that sometimes bad stuff happens and nobody can do anything about it? You're not personally responsible for the world's problems. So you were a bad guy. Boo hoo. You're not now and you can't travel through time to change what's done, so get over it. When are you finally going to catch on that you can't fix everything completely? Not Steel City, not the stuff you did in the past, and not me!"
What he said hit a nerve, triggering a memory Bumblebee couldn't quite place in context – her mother in a striped apron, hands covered in flour and a smear of icing sugar on her cheek. She used to work so hard to support them, but on her rare days off of she'd always make time for baking with her daughter. There was satisfaction in the simple task of mixing ingredients in a bowl and watching delicious things grow from them in the oven. Some people got the same feeling from planting seeds, but Melody Beecher preferred cuddling her little Karen while they burned their tongues on hot cookies.
You can't travel through time to change what's done, so get over it. When are you finally going to catch on that you can't fix everything completely?
She couldn't save Momma. She couldn't save her friends at HIVE Academy, either. By the time she finally broke free of Blood's mind control they'd either 'left school' because they couldn't cut it, or were so embedded in Blood's world there was no way of breaking them free. Even after Blood was gone, they were villains through and through, his poison rotting them from the inside out. Kids she'd played with, whose houses she'd slept over at would just as easily tear out her throat if it meant achieving their goals. When HIVE collapsed they sped off into the world to make their own ways as criminals and bad guys. There was no turning back, no saving them. She couldn't save all the people Titans East couldn't get to in time every night, or those victims of the invisible crimes nobody ever reported. The people she could save were so few in comparison to those she couldn't.
Suddenly it was too warm, even though a salty breeze blew in off the ocean. Bumblebee felt her breath hitching in her chest; a vein pulsed in her temple; her heart beat too loud inside her head. She hadn't thought about her old pals in a long time – not consciously, at least. She never thought about Momma, either, because thinking about Momma made her think about that last night in Chicory, when Blood first dug in his claws and forced her to betray the person most important to her in the world. So many times since then she'd wished Momma had survived the fire, and that Bumblebee was still just Karen Beecher, small-town-girl whose only mission was to pass algebra and bully her mother into making cookies.
"I don't care."
"What?" said Speedy.
"I don't care," Bumblebee gritted. "Call me an idiot if you like. Insult me. Tell me I'm stupid. I don't care. Maybe I do feel guilty about dumb stuff I can't control, and maybe I do try to fix stuff that's pretty hopeless, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna stop trying. If I stopped trying I'd be as bad as the ones who committed the crimes in the first place. I won't ever turn my back when I see people hurting, and even if they knock me back a thousand times, I'll just keep on coming, because at least if they're venting at me they're not bottling it all up inside where it'll only hurt themselves."
"You still don't get it."
"So tell me. Make me understand. Come down from there and talk to me."
"Stop telling me what to do!" With a roar, Speedy whirled and leapt off the wall.
If she'd had full control of her wings she would've blurred away, but she just stood there as he barrelled into her and knocked her off her feet. They went sprawling across the Tower's flat roof. Her bare arms scraped against the concrete and something sharp scored across her lower back. She went with the roll, protecting her neck and head, and coming up on one knee. From there it was easy to rise onto the balls of her feet in a much more secure stance.
The punch wasn't entirely unexpected. She sidestepped, glad she'd kept up with her training, and fired off one of her own. It missed too, but it was kind if meant to. Connecting right now would be like clubbing a baby seal with a plutonium rod.
Speedy launched a wild kick that would have gotten him killed in a real fight. Bumblebee avoided it easily and circled around to place herself between him and the rooftop's edge.
"You're not thinking clearly," she tried, a rasp in her voice.
"Stop it! Stop telling me what I'm thinking. I don't need some stupid girl dictating my life to me."
"I'm not dictating," she tried, but he wasn't listening.
Speedy must have been exhausted after his patrol, yet he seemed to vibrate, almost humming with energy like a high-tension wire. His voice shook with something close to hysteria, which was totally unlike his usual monochrome behaviour. "I won't be dictated to. I won't let you order me around anymore, like what I think doesn't matter. You don't care about me. You just want me to fit into your plans – you just need me in order to accomplish your own plans. I could be anyone. Everybody already says I'm Robin's ginger twin, so why not get him to take my place? Why me, huh? Why are you acting out your psychosis on me?"
"Speedy!"
"You're as bad as Blood when he was in my head, telling me what to do, how to act, what to feel."
Bumblebee felt like she'd been stabbed through the back of her ribcage with an icicle. Though she'd been on her guard the significance of that accusation caused her to pause in stunned disbelief.
Speedy moved. With a single, fluid motion, so fast Bumblebee barely had time to react, he stepped into the space between them and lashed out with a savage backhand. The blow struck Bumblebee's cheek hard and she went down, rolling awkwardly with the blow. One of her wings bent double beneath her and they were still so tender she cried out in pain. Usually she would've leapt to her feet after a strike like that, but the molten pain stole her strength for a second. The next thing she knew Speedy was standing over her, one fist bunched in her neckline, the other raised to strike her again.
"Roy, no!" She shut her eyes and wondered if she could kick upwards faster than he could punch downwards.
Except the punch never came.
Bumblebee unsqueezed her eyes. Her cheek felt inflamed and she could taste blood, but she scarcely noticed as she stared up into Speedy's face. It was contorted into a strange expression she couldn't begin to put a name to. He still had his arm raised, but his fist had loosened and his breathing was shallow.
"You're not Cheshire," he said, as if reminding himself of this fact. He let go of her top and staggered backwards like he was the one who'd been struck. "You're not … oh God," he finished in a whisper. "I'm going to be a dad. That … girl is carrying my baby…"
Bumblebee scrambled to her knees, ignoring the jolt of pain from her wings as she saw Speedy sag, catching him before he could fall. "I've got you," she said.
The sob came out all at once, devastated, the sound of someone finally at the end of their tether. It didn't even sound like crying. His mouth opened and a disturbingly primal noise came out. It sounded like the wail of a trapped and wounded animal that had tried to chew off its own leg to escape, only to find the hunter had been in the shadows all along with a readied shotgun.
Bumblebee held him, tears prickling the corners of her own eyes as his grief shuddering through her body. "I've got you," she repeated, like it was the only thing she had left to say. "I've got you."
"Your hair…"
Speedy, cross-legged in the window seat, budged at the exclamation as much as he had at their entrance – not one inch. While the lotus position usually denoted calm, what Speedy radiated was complete disconnection from his surroundings – including them. Considering his famous vanity, maybe it was his way of dealing with his current appearance; or maybe he just liked ignoring them.
It was Aqualad who had spoken, though the words also balanced like a Russian gymnast on the tip of Bumblebee's tongue.
"It's … it's …" Aqualad fought to claw back what could have been mistaken as an insult instead of just surprise. "It's …"
"It's a different look for you," Bumblebee rescued.
"Yeah. I hear the cancer patient look is really in right now." Speedy finally swivelled his head to look at them. He was wearing his mask, of course, only increasing his head's similarity to a billiard ball. He was like an eight-ball with its colours reversed. "They shaved it so they had easier access to my scalp."
"Oh-"
"And the bone underneath. My skull thinks it's a revolving door after being in this place."
"You … you really can't tell-"
"Only because I have to wear a skin-tight cover when they're not working on me." Like it was the most normal thing in the world, Speedy peeled back the 'skin' behind one ear. Underneath he was a mass of angry red and what looked like thin, pulsing slugs that clung to his skull like barnacles on a ship.
Bumblebee felt sick. Aqualad looked a little green about the gills, too, and for once it wasn't a cliché. She was glad they'd decided to come in first, before Mas or Menos. Damn, but sometimes she felt like she and Aqualad were the replacements for the parents those two left in Mexico. She wasn't sure where Speedy fell in that arrangement – a favourite uncle, perhaps, or some cousin who rattled all the boxes under the Christmas tree and hid the Easter Egg Hunt chocolate in the compost heap.
Speedy snapped the skin back into place. Bumblebee could've sworn a satisfied expression made a brief appearance. "You can go home now."
Belligerence rose inside her like a column of fire. With a flick of her wrist she spun a chair out from under the table of the STAR Labs Visitors' Room and plonked herself in it. "We're staying," she said firmly – far more firmly than she actually felt. Aqualad followed her lead and they waited for Speedy to make the next move.
He glared at the wall for a long moment – so long that Bumblebee half expected him to throw them out via the helping hands of the facility's guards. Well, they were technically porters, but she'd seen pro wrestlers with fewer muscles and more intellect. She couldn't tell what emotions were going on in Speedy's head. Maybe he really did want them to leave. Maybe he only thought he did. Maybe what he actually needed was to be reminded there were those who would stick by him no matter what – including no matter how badly he treated them out of his own pain.
"If you must," he eventually muttered, turning his head away so she could no longer read his expression.
From the day she finally threw off Brother Blood's influence, Bumblebee swore she'd never be controlled again. That translated to ensuring she was always the one in control of her own destiny. She would always make her own choices and decide for herself where and who she wanted to be. She once told Cyborg there wasn't a man alive who could tell her what to do, and she meant it.
She couldn't be Karen Beecher anymore; Blood had stolen that identity and tainted it, turning it into something with a bitter aftertaste. Karen Beecher left her own mother to burn to death; Karen Beecher allowed herself to be taken in and brainwashed by a madman; Karen Beecher was just a foolish little kid with no knowledge of how the world really worked. Bumblebee, on the other hand …
Bumblebee had done bad things, but Bumblebee had powers. Bumblebee was stronger and kick-ass. Bumblebee could change what she was into something good. Bumblebee wouldn't let herself be controlled again.
When Blood broke into East Tower and reclaimed his hold on her and the rest of Titans East, she spent the whole time screaming inside her head.
When she was made leader of Titans East it played right into her hands – nobody could tell her what to do if she was the one doing the telling. She was overprotective of her team, not wanting anything like that to happen to them again. They had experienced a day of Blood's mind control, but she'd suffered years under his thumb. As much as she was hung up on proving she wasn't a villain anymore, driving herself above and beyond what other Titans did to achieve this, she also wanted to protect those she was responsible for. She needed to keep her friends safe just to keep herself sane.
Unfortunately, over time, she became such a domineering personality that others sometimes had to pull her back. She let them because she never wanted to become like Brother Blood and was all too aware that if she went too far down this path that was where she'd end up – dictating from on high.
Then Cheshire kidnapped Speedy and Bumblebee's world slewed unexpectedly sideways. Suddenly all her hard work had come to nothing – her teammate had been hurt more than she could heal, and no amount of quality leadership was going to put that right. Suddenly she didn't know what to do, just as she hadn't when she let Brother Blood take her and her friends from Chicory. With one strike Cheshire wrecked both Speedy's world and Bumblebee's.
Bumblebee needed control. Speedy could no longer take being controlled. Bumblebee lived to be leader. Speedy bucked against being led. Without consciously realising it, Bumblebee's attempts to direct him brought back Cheshire's concentrated success at doing so, the way the smell of rotten egg brings back bile.
It was inevitable they would eventually come to blows over it. What followed, however, was far more painful than the beatings either had taken from their tormentors.
She could feel his breath against her neck. Her arms were cramped from holding him tight, but she wouldn't let him go. She had the ridiculous idea that if she did, he might literally fall apart in front of her. The spring of apprehension inside her tightened into alarm as he pushed the flat of one hand against her, levering himself away.
"I guess I'm not as okay as I made out."
His honesty floored her. After months of denial here he was, snotty-nosed and actually admitting she'd been right. The words hung in the air like the echo from the chime of a church bell. This was too real, too distressing, too dangerous. Bumblebee's heart punched her ribcage.
"I guess not," she said.
"Aren't you going to say 'I told you so'?"
"Don't be an ass."
Speedy laughed mirthlessly. "I thought that was my role in this team. You're the leader, Aqualad's the serious, unattainable and slightly creepy one, Mas y Menos are comic relief and I'm the attractive-but-arrogant asshole. See? We all fit."
"Speedy -"
He rubbed his wrist against his eyes and made a frustrated noise. "Fucking tears. No wonder you never cry. Can't see a fucking thing – argh!" In a movement like ripping off a band-aid, he dug the fingers of his left hand around the edge of the mask and tore it off.
The glue should have been dissolved using a specialised solution first, so the mask took a few layers of skin with it, leaving a red outline across his forehead, temples and cheeks. Blood leaked from below his left eye and dribbled into his newly-freed tears, turning them a terrible pink, like raw meat on a butcher's slab.
Bumblebee swallowed. The last time she saw him without his mask was in hospital right after Cheshire. This time, however, he didn't cover his face and yell for a fresh mask. Instead he kept his eyes squeezed shut like the dying light might blind him. His hair was scruffy, he smelled like a sewer, and he was about as far from his pin-up boy image as he could be.
And yet …
And yet there was something intensely vulnerable about him. He looked far more defenceless than he had tied to Cheshire's chair, or when she and Aqualad saw him bald and white-pyjama-ed in STAR Labs recuperation unit.
Bumblebee swallowed hard. Her voice came out rough and scratchy, like she'd breathed in sawdust. "You look like shit."
"Thanks." He still didn't unsqueeze his eyes. "You're really bad at talking people down from hysteria."
"I know." Oh boy, did she know. She swallowed again. "I'm no uglier with the mask off, you know."
"I know that, I just … if I open my eyes and see you sitting there looking at me like I'm some baby bird who fell out its nest, it'll make everything real. If I keep my eyes shut, you're not really there because I can't see you, and I can pretend I never made such a fool of myself just now. Which sounds exactly like all that touchy-feely psychobabble I hate, so I'm gonna pretend I didn't say that either."
"I guess I'm good at bringing out the parts of you that you don't like to acknowledge."
Slowly, he opened one eye. Bumblebee kept her expression carefully neutral, though she wasn't sure what a poor-little-baby-bird look was.
"There it is."
She bristled only slightly. "There what is?"
"That look."
"For crying out loud, what look?"
"Forget it." He opened his other eye, blinking a little. His pupils dilated and shrank again as light assaulted them. For a moment they just stared into each other's eyes, as if assessing who was going to bolt first. Then he heaved such a huge sigh the tide went out three inches. "I'm not okay."
Bumblebee shook her head, not taking her gaze off him. "No."
"I haven't been okay for a long time. I thought I could just, y'know, sit on everything. Pretend it never happened, or that it didn't bother me. I was getting really good at it. The nightmares weren't so often, or so bad. I was back in the field. I could take care of people again – make a difference, be somebody. I wasn't at the top of my game, but I was close. Except …" His throat bobbed convulsively. "Except …"
Too real, too distressing, too dangerous…
Bumblebee was aware Aqualad might burst out here at any moment. He'd been just as worried and frantic as her about finding Speedy, and he deserved to know he was okay, but at the same time … she didn't want him to. She didn't want anyone to interrupt this moment of perfect, ghastly clarity. Months of emotional detritus was surfacing, a backlog of repressed emotions clogging the way as they tried to emerge. It was worse than pulling teeth – it was like pulling tiny bone fragments from a reopened, festering wound.
"Except … if I was okay, I wouldn't have tried to kill Johnny Rancid. I wouldn't have hurt you…"
She'd suspected about Rancid. It was still terrible to hear it confirmed. She didn't know the best thing to do. She didn't know the first thing to do.
Speedy's voice was choked, as well it might be. It was barely a voice she could recognise as his, which was more than a little terrifying. Had she really wanted this? Whenever she said she wanted him to open up, to talk about things so he could heal properly, was this what she'd intended? She'd barely even realised how much of an impact it would have on her, too.
"I'm going to be a father. I'm going to … there's going to be a kid in the world, who I made. How the hell … what am I … I can't … I'm not even sure how to be me anymore."
"Oh, Sassa– Speedy-"
"I've been trying and trying, just plugging away and not thinking about what might happen if I couldn't get back to normal. You kept trying to stop me, to break me out of my pattern, but you didn't understand how much I needed that pattern to feel human. It wasn't about my hand, or the cybernetics. I didn't need it the way Cyborg needs to feel human. I just needed to just be the old Speedy again. The Speedy who Green Arrow trained, the Speedy who Robin personally requested to be in Titans East, The Speedy who wasn't such a weak-ass idiot – who didn't let things like that, like Cheshire, happen to him."
"It wasn't your fault-"
"I know that. Or at least part of me does, but knowing it and knowing it are two different things. Y'know?"
And Bumblebee did know. She hadn't been violated physically, but Brother Blood took away everything that made her who she was the night he compelled her to betray her mother and work for him. He'd desecrated her mind with his mental controlling, leaving her with ticks and scars that were no less potent for not being visible. She'd done such terrible things, and the fact she did them because he forced her didn't make her feel any less responsible. It was why she tried so hard to be a good Teen Titan, to take care of her team and her responsibilities. Even when she wasn't acknowledging it, some part of her was constantly aware she was trying to make up for her past.
"I do know," she said softly.
Speedy looked at her, right at her. His eyes were panic-stricken, but his voice was weirdly eager, like he wanted her to correct him. "No you don't."
"Maybe not the way you do, but I do know."
She thought maybe he was going to explode again, but he just stared at her for a long time.
His eyes were green, she noticed then, wondering why she hadn't before. Not green like Cheshire's, but a bright green, like coloured glass. They weren't emerald, nor a startling jade. Romance novelists would find it difficult to locate appropriate adjectives because they were just … a very green sort of green, the way new shoots poking through a snow drift seem greener than those in soil already full of flowers.
"I can't be just another victim," he whispered. "I'm Speedy. I'm a Teen Titan. I'm more than that."
Bumblebee nodded. "You are! Nobody's ever just a victim. That's just a label, not a whole person. You're still Speedy. You're still Roy."
He looked away then, breaking eye-contact and making her feel strangely deflated. Damn. Wrong thing to say. She scoured her brain for something better.
"You're …" Think. Think! "You're still Sassafras?" It came out like a question.
She was about to say more when she saw him blinking rapidly. Her mouth snapped shut.
"I…" Speedy stopped. His fists tightened and his breathing accelerated into tiny but shallow breaths, like a mouse on the verge of a heart attack after being cornered by a cat. "I was …" A deep breath then. For strength? Reassurance? Oxygenation? "I was … raped."
The world shattered a little with that admission. Just a little, at the corners, but the cracks in the middle had been growing for a while anyway. Perhaps now she could tape everything up, like windows taped to protect against bomb blowback during World War II. Taped windows would shatter, but never break or fall to pieces. The frame was never bare of glass.
Nobody had ever used the word before.
"Oh, Speedy…" Bumblebee murmured.
"No. I think … I think I have to be just Roy for a while. I think I … I think I need to take some time off. A sabbatical or something. I need to … to figure things out. Figure myself out. This is all too big for me to handle on my own. I've been hurting myself trying to just go back to normal like it never happened." He chuckled – actually chuckled. "I guess you finally got your way. I'm finally obeying your orders."
"You know this wasn't what I wanted."
He still refused to look at her. "Yeah. I guess so."
They were too close for comfort. It was a sudden bit of awareness that made Bumblebee flutter her wings, wince, and tense her legs to get up. Yet Speedy made no such movement and it felt too much like abandoning him to do anything but stay, despite the discomfort. Personal space and all that jazz.
So they sat.
And sat.
It felt like a test she hadn't studied for.
Eventually Speedy said, "I'm going to go away for a while."
"Okay."
"It's not running away," he added quickly, defensively. "I thought about this a couple of times before, when you brought up the idea of enforced retirement. The thing is, I don't wanna retire completely. I like this life. I like making a difference the way we do. But for a little while, at least, maybe it's a good idea I'm not in it. I can't be trusted."
Bumblebee wanted to disagree, but honesty had her in a chokehold and was waiting for the bell. "I said it's okay. How many times do we have to say we only want what's best for you before you get it through that thick head of yours? We. Care. About. You. If what you need is time away from being a Titan, then so be it. Nobody here will stand in your way. Likewise nobody would stand in your way if and when you wanted to come back, too."
"What happened to benching me for good?"
"You're not the only one who's been doing a lot of thinking lately."
It took weeks to get through the door to where Cheshire was being kept. Not because the guards prevented him, but because the pattern he'd fallen into let him look, approach, scout around and find the weak spots of the building, but never go in.
The day after Bumblebee woke up in hospital Speedy ignored the pattern and marched straight through the front entrance. Johnny Rancid and the feel of phantom rain compelled him to prove to himself that Cheshire didn't control his life. He was past that, and the way to make sure was to go in, look her in the face, and not feel a thing except the same contempt he felt for all unrepentant criminals.
At least, that was the plan before security mentioned he was the second Titan from Steel to visit Cheshire alone. Speedy checked the visitor record, confirming his suspicions that Bumblebee had, once again, stuck her nose into his business. The date said she visited Cheshire while he was still recovering in hospital, and there was some irony in their currently reversed roles that he failed to appreciate as anger bubbled inside him.
Bumblebee was always trying to control the situation. What she failed to realise was that this wasn't her situation to control. If he'd stopped to think about it, maybe he would've remembered that Cheshire was an enemy to all the Titans and that, as leader, Bumblebee had an obligation to investigate her movements. Maybe he would've thought that Bumblebee had proven Cheshire was just an ordinary human now – contained by walls, red tape and visiting hours like any other felon. By going to see Cheshire now he could gain control over what she'd done to him – face her in an environment where she had less control than anyone. He needed that. He needed to reassert himself as master of his own fate. If he'd gone in then, maybe it would have done what months of not seeing her had failed to do
Instead, by going in first Bumblebee gave Speedy an excuse to run away again and pretend he was just defending his territory.
He left without seeing Cheshire, heading straight for the hospital where Bumblebee was being taken for an outing in her wheelchair.
"We'll wait for you," Bumblebee said resolutely.
"You can't work without a full rota. We can barely manage patrolling Steel City as it is. Without me, you'll be one short." Speedy shook his head. "You should recruit a replacement."
"Fine, but only a temporary one. And I'll be sure to let them know the job only lasts as long as you need it to. If you decide you don't want to come back, fine, but the moment you want to come back to Titans East you just say the word. Got it?"
"You really think anyone would want a job with conditions like that?"
Bumblebee waved a hand. "We'll figure something out. You just concentrate on yourself."
"Hmf. I've been doing a lot of that, these past few months." Speedy rubbed his eyes. "I'm sorry."
"What the heck for?"
"For not letting you in. I made my peace with Aqualad and Mas y Menos – even Robin. But you … I was an asshole."
"I thought you said that was your role." Her fists and stomach clenched. "It's so weird. All this time I've been trying to get you to open up to me, and now you are I have no idea what to do next, except promise not to smother or control you anymore. I guess I really messed up, huh?"
"Excuse me?"
"Suffocating you. Trying to fix you. If I'd just let up, maybe you would've done naturally what I was trying to force. I was just so impatient, and I didn't even realise the damage I was doing."
"I had my head up my own ass. Quit blaming yourself."
"Shut up. I'm trying to be magnanimous."
"Trying to be what?"
"Magnanimous. Noble. Fair."
"Nothing about this has been fair." Speedy's voice caught on the word. He cleared his throat several more times than was needed. "I hate touchy feely crap. I hate conversations where I have to 'open up'. And I hate this. All of this. I've never hated anything in the world as much as I hate having to wake up each day knowing how badly I screwed up and how badly it screwed me up."
"You didn't screw up-" Bumblebee began hotly.
"Don't even try to argue with me, Bumblebee."
"But you didn't-"
"I nearly killed someone!" Suddenly he jumped up, mood snapping backwards so fast Bumblebee was sure she risked whiplash. His eyes flashed and his hands gesticulated wildly. "You don't get it, do you? I fucked up. I nearly fucked up completely, and all because I'm too stupid to grasp how messed up my own head is. I'm a walking time-bomb. All the signs were there, people tried to warn me and I still didn't listen. I was too wrapped up in pretending. I couldn't even say the word – I couldn't say what happened to me. I couldn't … Heroes don't kill people! They don't get that close!"
"You didn't kill Johnny Rancid." Bumblebee also got to her feet.
"Because I was stopped! I wanted him dead. All I could think about was hurting him, just like hurting you a minute ago -"
"You're nothing like Cheshire!" The words were out before she could stop them.
Speedy looked shocked. He blinked rapidly, as though a light had been rudely switched on after his eyes were used to the dark. His throat bobbed convulsively and he stared at her so hard she expected her forehead to start burning like an insect being fried under a magnifying glass.
Bumblebee stared right back at him. "You're not," she said in a voice like a tiny scrap of concrete.
Speedy's expression swung between angry and lost, but both were pathetic in a way she'd only scratched the surface of before. The tangle of raw emotions boiled and gurgled inside him, oozing free in dribs and drabs like poison seeping from an incision – an incision that slowly widened each time the right words prodded it.
She was so crap at this – the listening ear, the soft words, the comforting way to make a teammate feel better. Throughout her career as a Teen Titan, Bumblebee had envied the skills of other Titan girls – Starfire's gentleness, Raven's awkward but heartfelt compassion, Pantha's brazen honesty – and more than once wished she had the same skill to draw others out of themselves. The right word from one of them could pry a hurting teammate into the light and make them grateful to be there, but no matter how hard she tried Bumblebee never got it quite right. Mostly Titans East had gotten used to her ham-fisted attempts to lift their moods when they were down, just as they'd gotten used to the way she pushed herself too far and too fast. She had learned from her mistakes, but she was too critical, too logical, too pushy to really play the part well. She wanted more than she was capable of giving and wanted others to respond like they would to a defter hand.
That didn't mean she'd ever stop trying, of course.
"Yes, you've made some mistakes, but so does everybody. You've been through a traumatic experience. You can't expect to be firing on all cylinders after that. But you don't have to feel guilty, or embarrassed or … or ashamed! Because everything you've said to me, since the night we found you in that apartment; everything you've done to push us away – to push me away – it's like you're ashamed of what happened to you. It happened to you. You didn't ask for it. You didn't cause it to happen. It was totally random and unfortunate and the result of a sick mind with too much power. You can't blame yourself for that. You can't blame yourself for what it's done to you."
"I'm never going to be able to forget it," Speedy said.
"Don't say things like that!"
"No, I mean I will never, ever be physically able to forget any part of this."
"What?"
"Cheshire's going to have a baby – my baby. That baby is going to be a constant reminder. I never really considered being a father before, but I never thought I'd want to hate my own kid."
"So don't hate it. That baby could be your ticket back to reality. It could be how you heal – getting someone to love instead of only … Cheshire – someone to hate. If Titans East can't help you, and Green Arrow can't help you, and Robin can't help you, maybe this child can." She was shouting right up into his face, trying to get her message through. "You don't have to come out of this with only a head full of regrets and hatred. You could get something better than catharsis. You could get something amazing! Your child. Not just Cheshire's – yours."
Speedy looked away. "I … didn't think about it like that."
"Don't beat yourself up anymore."
"Humph."
"Sassafras, please."
"Heh."
"Excuse me?"
"Sassafras." He slid his eyes to her. "And you said please. You never say please."
Bumblebee wasn't sure how that was important, but apparently it was. To him, at least. And that was what really mattered right now, wasn't it?
"Promise me you won't do this to yourself."
"I can't promise anything. Not anymore."
"Bull! You're still you, and if there's one thing I know about you, you're awkward as hell and twice as dedicated. So dedicate yourself to this: to not beating yourself up, or blaming yourself, or thinking you were in any way responsible for the situation you're in. Or that you have to get out of it alone."
"I'm damaged goods." His voice had the unmistakable huskiness that happened when someone was telling a truth they didn't want to tell. "You can't count on me to be the me you think you know."
"I'm not asking you to be someone you're not; I'm just asking you not to turn into someone like … like me!"
"The hell?" He stared at her, uncomprehending.
Crap.
Instead of answering, Bumblebee fumbled for her communicator and turned away from him to tap the keys. She ducked her head so he couldn't see her brief irrational panic, shoving it away under a blanket of practicality. "Aqualad? I found him. He's okay."
"How okay is okay?" came the tinny response.
"It's enough. I'll explain … later." She would. She promised herself as well as him. "You can stop worrying now."
"Yeah right."
"Bumblebee," said Speedy from behind her.
"Are Mas y Menos there?" Bumblebee ignored him.
"Bumblebee."
"No," Aqualad replied tightly. "They're making rock cakes."
"Rock cakes?"
"It was the easiest thing to keep them occupied."
"Bumblebee!" Speedy reached around to grab for her communicator, but she held it away from him, glaring.
"I'll speak to you in a minute," she told Aqualad. "Bumblebee out." She snapped the communicator shut, tucked it back into place and worked up the bravado to look fiercely at Speedy without letting him know how rattled she was. On top of learning about Cheshire, on top of seeing him break down and rocket from one emotion to another in a tiny timeframe, she could not cope with talking about Chicory and her mother. "Leave it. I never meant to say that."
"Obviously you did. Obviously you thought it was relevant, and obviously you were talking about more than just Brother Blood and working for HIVE. I may not be the brains of the outfit, but I'm not stupid. There was more in your face than just your tired old vendetta against Blood."
"I'm not the one we're talking about here. You are. You've been avoiding this conversation for months, and now you've finally opened up I'm not letting you turn the table back on me so fast."
"Hypocrite." He narrowed his eyes at her.
Anger boiled inside her. "You have no idea what you're talking about."
"Fine. This just makes me glad I won't be seeing your hypocrite face for a while – if ever again. I thought you were just some controlling perfectionist with a grudge, but a good heart. Now I realise you're the biggest hypocrite of them all. How the hell do you expect me to trust you with any confidences if you can't do the same. I bared my fucking soul up here tonight. I made a complete idiot of myself, told you stuff you've been digging around for in me for months. You made me feel like a lab rat as I scurried about in the Tower, and just when I think you were maybe right, you do your usual trick of slamming the door in my face and keeping everybody out. Why is your privacy so much more important than mine? If I'm not supposed to turn into 'someone like you', why can't you tell me what that 'someone' is?"
"Because … because it's complicated."
"Bullshit. Life is complicated. That's no excuse."
"We're not talking about m-"
"Yes we are. We're talking about you, and we're talking about me, and if you don't start making some fucking sense I'm going to walk away from this team and never look back. I've had it, Bumblebee. I've had it up to here," Speedy raise a hand and held it level with his temple, "with your condescending attitude, with how you think you always know best."
"I don't always know best, but this is-"
"More of that stupid campaign you have going against Brother Blood? It's always been bigger with him, hasn't it? Even the Brotherhood of Evil didn't faze you as much as Blood did. The guy was a manipulative scumbag, but he was taken down, and it's been as boring as hell hearing you talk about him ever since. 'We have to do this, we don't want another Brother Blood on our hands'. 'I can't let up, he might still be out there somewhere'. 'Oh, he made me do such terrible things, like leave faucets running, not turning off the lights to save energy, and going into rooms without knocking or wiping my feet'. 'Brother Blood was the evillest, meanest, steal-candy-off-a-baby-est bad guy in the entire freaking universe – even worse than Cheshire, the girl who tortured and raped you, because he made us fight each other and we're friends so we must never ever fight or Santa won't bring us gifts at Christmas'-"
"My mother died because of him!"
The shout was more of a shriek, peeled off the walls of her lungs like skin off a sausage, revealing the ugly pink insides underneath. The silence that followed was punctuated only by the faint sizzle of Bumblebee's scowl as it burned a hole through Speedy's retinas.
"I'm sorry," he started, but she cut him off.
"No, you wanted to hear it, so you can damn well hear it. Chicory, the town I grew up in? Full of mutant kids. Brother Blood got wind of us and decided, hey, I need some pupils for my brand new school, so he set fire to the town, killed all our families and telepathically directed us to safety so he could ride in like some knight in shining armour and offer us some bull about a new, safer home. Without our folks we had no place else to go, and not one of us was strong enough to fight his mind control, so we went with him. I left my mother to die because he told me to. I watched my friends be twisted by his mind control. I couldn't stop myself from hurting people – torturing them like Cheshire tortured you. You want to know why I've been so caught up in helping you get better? Because you're my friend, and because if I hadn't escaped Blood when I did, I could have been the one in her cell today. And you wonder why I hate the guy so much?" She was breathing hard, like she been running. "Because he controlled me. Because he made me feel like a victim. You know what that feels like, don't you Roy?" She didn't sneer it. She was too close to tears to sneer.
Damn it. Speedy always knew how to push her buttons.
Speedy seemed genuinely remorseful. He looked like a snake that had swallowed a mouse, only to discover it was actually a cow when it got stuck in his throat. "I'm sorry, I never knew-"
"No, you never knew. Nobody ever knew. The funny thing is, it's not something I'm especially proud of so I don't talk about it much. But now you do know, and you can guess why I don't want this thing with Cheshire to rot you away inside because you feel like it was somehow your fault. Like you could've – should've – done something, even though you know there was no way … no way …" Damn. She clenched her fists and turned away so she wouldn't punch his lights out. You weren't supposed to punch emotionally unstable people. "We're talking about you," she gritted. "You're going to be a father, a-and you need to decide what you're going to d-do about that, as well as what you're g-gonna do next to heal yourself-"
"Karen."
She froze.
The last time he called her that was on the bridge in the rain.
They only used their civilian names when things were really serious.
"What?"
"I'm sorry."
"This isn't about me."
"It isn't about me, either."
She swallowed. "Then who is it about? The Tooth Fairy?"
"Can you at least look at me?"
Her fists tightened. "Actually, I'm not sure if I can." A welter of strained emotions tumbled around inside her belly like a washing machine on final spin: guilt, shame, triumph, grief, regret … oh yes, lots of regret. Regret for leaving Momma, regret for working for HIVE, regret for not being the one to finally defeat Brother Blood, regret for not being a better Titan, a better leader, better equipped to keep her teammates safe.
And regret for blurting out the secrets that had slowly eaten away at her for years.
She felt Speedy move closer and folded her arms, making her tense shoulders into a line of barbed wire even he couldn't mistake. So he was actually being quite brave when he rested a hand on one and left it there. It was his flesh hand, which seemed suddenly significant in a way she couldn't identify.
"We are so messed up," he said softly.
Her shoulders didn't relax. They didn't. "Yeah."
It wasn't really clear who initiated the kiss. Afterwards, they'd blame each other but secretly blame themselves, because it was what they were good at. Either way, it wasn't as bad as it could've been. It wasn't sloppy or too dry, it wasn't too fierce – in fact it was more than a little hesitant. Remembering it later, Bumblebee wondered if it had really been a kiss at all, or merely the whispering touch of his lips against hers, like they'd each stumbled in such a way when he turned her towards him that they brushed against each other as they fell.
"I'm sorry." Speedy pulled away. "I-I can't. Not yet."
She just nodded. The fluster that had appeared with the kiss disappeared and was replaced with the seed of an ill-defined emotion that settled in the pit of her stomach and worked its way outward from there.
They weren't Love's Young Dream. They weren't the poster children for a healthy relationship. Maybe this was as far as it would ever go, but for that half-second in the sharp, salty breeze on the rooftop, with their souls mangled and bare on the floor and their stark confessions fresh in their minds, it was enough.
"I'll wait for you," she murmured, taking a step backwards. "Speedy. Roy. Sassafras."
And Speedy didn't say anything, just held her gaze for a moment and then went inside, leaving her to consider … everything.
She didn't come in from the cold for a long time. Aqualad brought up a blanket, wrapped it around her shoulders and sat next to her on the edge of the roof.
"He's gone," he said simply.
"Did he say where he was going?"
"Star City. Maybe he's gone to see Green Arrow."
"Maybe." She stared at the ocean. It shimmered in the pale blue-grey of pre-dawn. Speedy's decisions were his own, nobody else's. "How did he seem?"
"Purposeful," Aqualad said after a moment. "He wasn't wearing his mask." The word 'mask' turned up at the end like a corner of a dry sandwich, transforming the statement into a question.
"I know. I don't think he'll be needing it for a while." Bumblebee drew her knees up to her chest and rested her chin on them. "Masks suck."
"Uh, I suppose," Aqualad agreed.
"They really, really suck."
"Glad you and I never went in for them." Another dry-sandwich question, unpalatable and indigestible.
She agreed without hesitation. "You said it."
The sun was rising. It had been a bad night, but it would be a good day, she was certain. Difficult, sure, but good because the cracks weren't threatening to shatter everything anymore, and suddenly she felt like they had more options than they'd had in a long time. Herself, Aqualad, Mas, Menos, Speedy…
Speedy.
He would come back; she was convinced of that much. Not when, nor necessarily why, but he would come back. She knew, just like she knew she'd be waiting for him, if not the why to that either. It was … complicated.
But then her relationship with him had always been complicated.
She could feel bits of herself opening up and coming out of hiding. Soon it would be tomorrow, and tomorrow would bring clean-up, triage, decisions nobody wanted to make. Tomorrow they'd have to carry on rounding up the escaped villains, grappling with authorities who refused to acknowledge their value, and just trying to keep everything together. She'd have to explain to Mas y Menos why Speedy had gone in a way they'd understand. Tomorrow might be anything, but right now was full of radiant colour as she and Aqualad watched the sunrise.
She leaned against him. He was noticeably surprised.
"Bumblebee? Are you going to tell me about-"
"Shh. I'd like to be Karen for a bit. Just until the sun finishes coming up."
He nodded like he understood, and maybe he did in part. However, Bumblebee stopped thinking about it – about anything except the brush of lips against her own and the increasing warmth of sunlight against her skin.
Maybe the future wasn't so bleak after all.
She hoped so.
Fin.
I know it's hard, but you found somehow
To look into your heart
And to forgive me now. I see the path from this dark place.
You've given me the strength to see
Just where my journey ends.
You've given me the strength
To carry on.
I see my future.
Your forgiveness has set me free,
Oh and I can see another way;
I can face another day.
-- from No Way Out by Phil Collins.
Side-flings, Homages and Downright Rip-offs
"I can't do that. See, somewhere along the way since we built this team, I developed a problem with watching you die."
-- Side-fling to Mira Sorvino in The Replacement Killers.
"I won't ever turn my back when I see people hurting."
-- Influenced by Katara's famous line "I won't ever turn my back on people who need me!" in Avatar: The Last Airbender.
She once told Cyborg there wasn't a man alive who could tell her what to do, and she meant it.
-- In the Season Three episode Wavelength.
He looked like a snake that had swallowed a mouse, only to discover it was actually a cow when it got stuck in his throat.
-- Boosted from a Stephanie Plum novel, though I can't remember which one.
Well that's it. Thank you for sticking with me for the duration of this story. While enjoyment is maybe not the right word considering its subject matter, I hope you came away from this not cursing my name for stealing the portion of your life it took to read it.
If you would like to know what ultimately happens to this universe's Speedy and Bee several years in the future, try The Ties That Bind
I've put together a 'soundtrack' of sorts to go along with this fic, and with Speedy/Bumblebee in general, so people. It can be found at www . savefile . com / projects / 808533657
REVIEWS APPRECIATED!