Oook so!

Warnings: This chapter is pretty tame, but the overall fic is M for shonen ai and most likely some bad language. And a relatively darker side to Naruto himself.

Possible OOC (though I'd like to think Naruto really does go deeper than what he displays) and AU.

Disclaimer: We all know Naruto, Sasuke, the Kyuubi, Konoha, etc are NOT MINE.

Enjoy!

Do you hear the bells?

No.

You hear nothing at all.

Eyes closed, pressed together.

It only makes it worse.

Everytime your eyes close you see me.

The demon that you are.

I fill you, overpower you,

Am you.

Eyes closed even tighter—

The roar of my maniacal laugh deafens your ears.

You're swirling, swirling, swirling

And it's so hot – so hot! Every pore is on fire and you're screaming screaming

Burning searing melting

But not dying.

No.

Never.

I won't let you die.

You must live on, drowning in your agony, watching their stares and jeers

Feeling the prejudice no one should ever have to live with.

And – ha! you are so young, so young.

You've never felt love.

And if I have my way

You never will.

You think of me as a curse

Yet to me, you are my blessing.

Each day I thank that idiot Hokage for letting me into your body.

I feed off you, you know it.

You can never stop me.

I will burn you forever

Ever

Ever.

Look at them!

Do you think they care about you?

If only. If only.

They never will, kitsune.

They never will.

Don't worry –

You're not alone.

I am with you.

I can help you if you let me.

I am with you.

And so

You can never hear the bells.

I woke up with tears on my cheeks.

I couldn't believe the nightmare still made my cry, since I have been having it almost every night for years. Something in the voice, the voice of the Kyuubi as it speaks to me, jeers at me, in my dreams, continues to haunt me night after night. It doesn't always say the same thing, but it's usually along those lines. It tells me I can never escape. I can never love. I belong to the Kyuubi and the Kyuubi alone. I should use its powers and become Hokage, and dominate all of Konoha.

But I don't want to become Hokage that way! I want to work hard and gain what I deserve! And I want to learn to love, I really do. The Kyuubi lets me lust, that I know from my…ahem…interesting feelings toward Sakura-chan…but I don't know how to love. I don't know what it feels like!

Maybe it's just because I've never had a parent to love me, maybe that's why I don't know how. Maybe it's not the Kyuubi after all.

I guess I'll never know, will I?

Still, I want to love. I want to laugh without hearing that demon laugh along with me from somewhere deep inside my chest.

It's never quiet. I can always feel it rumbling within me. Sometimes it keeps me from sleeping, which I don't really mind considering sleep only brings the nightmares.

I want to dream. Not just dream to be Hokage, which is more of a desire or a goal, but a nighttime dream. One where nothing makes sense and you wake up confused but laughing at the absurdity of it all. I've never had a dream that doesn't involve that rough yet disgustingly sultry voice penetrate my subconscious with poisoned words that I pray aren't true.

I'm kind of disgusted with myself, lying in bed wiping away the same tears I wipe off every morning. It's the first week of December, Christmas is coming, and I should be cheerful! But I just can't be.

Every year…every day, in fact, I pretend to be full of myself and I laugh and I tease and I look like I'm wearing my emotions on my sleeve. Actually, though, I just don't want anyone to see that the monster inside me affects me more than anyone ever knows or suspected. So I try to act normal. It's not that hard, really. I just act how I wish I was.

I pushed myself out of bed and flung back the covers, walking deliberately past my mirror so as not to look at the eyes I knew would be bloodshot. I hate seeing my eyes like that…after I cry, my eyes look the way they do when the thing insides me takes over.

So I yanked off my pajama top, pulled my usual pants and jacket over the seal on my stomach that appears every morning without looking at it, and walked to the door.

I was supposed to meet Shikamaru this morning, to get some ramen and then train. Right before I left the house, I tugged my mouth into the cocky smirk everyone's used to seeing me in. I felt something – well, I knew what it was – inside of me stir with amusement at the façade I put on…weird, considering I put it on every day.

The freezing air bit at my cheeks, already chilled from the coldness left over from tears pushed hurriedly away. The ground was lightly dusted in snow, but from the quarter-sized snowflakes catching in my hair, I could tell the dusting wouldn't be light much longer. I caught sight of Shikamaru outside Ichiraku.

"Ohayo, Shikamaru!" I called out. He looked as cold and displeased as I felt. "How 'bout we just crash at someone's house today and focus on training some other time? It's too cold!"

He nodded in assent – at least I think he did, it was hard to tell from the thickening snowfalls – and walked towards me. I grinned back at him, feeling my heart tighten under the familiar pressure of acting the exact way I wish I could be feeling.

Another day.

Another charade.

And as something swirls contentedly in my chest, I wonder if the charade will ever end. If the nightmares will ever end.

"Want to see if Kiba's mom will let us hang out?" Shikamaru's voice was oddly distorted by the wind.

"Sure!" I grinned.

I hope they will, more than anything in the world, I hope it all ends.

I just don't know how to make it stop.

The streets of Konoha were masked in a thick comforter of snow, the shapes I'm so used to seeing – stores, the restaurants, the houses, the Hokage monument I will see my face on one day – painted a childish white and fluffy. Everything seemed to shimmer as the hidden sun cast a glow on the village from behind poufy clouds. The thick powder beneath our feet crunched slightly, wetting my socks. I didn't mind at all. It's these moments that make me know I'm alive. The big accomplishments always are accompanied by a purring or a growling from beneath my skin, but the little moments must seem to trivial for the Kyuubi to acknowledge. I can still feel its presence, but I can almost make myself ignore it during the simple pleasures of life. Each footstep in the icy snow is a beat of my heart that beats all its own, with no help from demons of any kind. So the tiny smile that I let flicker momentarily on my lips, the one so unlike the giant grin I paste on, it was genuine. I could only let it last for a moment though, before Shikamaru saw it – or worse, the Kyuubi felt it and snatched the happiness away.

As we walked, I caught a snatch of the song Shikamaru was humming under his breath.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas…

Well, the white part certainly has already came true, and Christmas seems to come every year, whether we're ready or not.

I just wish I knew what it meant to dream.

I've been reading some really fantastic fics lately, and though I have a feeling my writing really can't match up, they inspired me xD I'll update as soon as possible…and Sasuke's coming soon! Let me know what you think.