101 Ways to Kill Umbridge

This list is the sole property of the one and only Ron Weasley. So if anyone else is reading this, hands off! (Unless of course you happen to hate Umbridge as much as I do). (Or if you happen to be Harry Potter or Hermione Granger, in which case, feel free to add your own ideas to the list).

(Before he starts, I, Miss Hermione Granger, would like to add that although I thoroughly believe that teachers should be respected and admired, Professor Umbridge is a cow and so I am making an exception).

(A cow?! Wow, you really hate her don't you?)

(Yes, Ronald, I do).

(That's only because you think she's going to make you fail your O.W.L.s. Not that I don't agree of course. Anybody who makes me cut my own skin is a cow.)

(Thank-you for your support, Harry.)

(Anytime.)

(Right, well now we've old had that jolly little conversation, do you think we could start? Because otherwise we're going to run out of parchment.)

(Sorry Ronald.)

(And please stop calling me Ronald).

(Sorry Ronald.)

(You can be right pain sometimes Hermione, you know that don't you?)

(I thought you wanted to start?)

(I do.)

(Then what's stopping you, Ronald?)

(I'm just going to ignore that.)

(That's right mate, don't let her get to you.)

(You do realise you didn't answer the question, Ronald?)

(Shut-up, Hermione.)

1. Avada Kedavra (I know it's obvious, but I thought we'd start out simple – R.W.)

2. Squash her with a thousand copies of 'Defensive Magical Theory'. (And since we're crediting: H.G.)

(Trust you to kill her off with a book!)

(Well, they're very useful, Ronald. Perhaps if you read more of them you'd know that by now.)

3. Carve 'I must not teach crap to my students' onto the back of her hand until it can no longer heal itself and she dies of blood loss. (H.P.)

4. Carve 'I must not constantly pretend I have a cough as it possibly one of the most irritating noises in the world' onto the back of her hand until it can no longer heal itself and she dies of blood loss. (H.G.)

5. Carve 'I look like a giant toad' onto the back of her hand until it can no longer heal itself and she dies of blood loss. (R.W.)

6. Carve 'I wish I was as smart as the wonderful Ron Weasley' onto the back of her hand until it can no longer heal itself and she dies of blood loss. (H.P.)

(How much did Ron pay you to write that?)

(What do you mean? He didn't pay me anything!)

(What did he give you then? Or promise you?)

(Nothing! Okay, he promised he'd give me twenty galleons when we finished school and he had a job).

(Harry! You weren't supposed to tell her!)

(I didn't! She knew anyway.)

(Well you could've pretended at least.)

(Sorry.)

(That's okay. I forgive you, because I am a gentle, merciful man. Are you reading this Hermione?)

(Yes, Ronald.)

7. Push her off a broom when she's flying over a pit filled with daggers. (R.W.)

8. Put her in an enclosed room and release twenty boxes of bludgers. (H.P.)

9. Put her in an enclosed room with Fred and George and release twenty boxes of bludgers. (R.W.)

(Trust you two to come up with Quidditch related murder strategies.)

(What's that's supposed to mean?)

(Well, Ronald, in case you hadn't noticed, not everybody is completely obsessed with Quidditch.)

(And?)

(Never mind. Besides, if you put Fred and George in the room with the twenty boxes of bludgers wouldn't they get killed as well?)

(Nah. They're too good at Quidditch.)

(Why, thank-you, little brother.)

(Hey! Get lost, Fred! This is my list.)

(Well, to start with, it's George as well, and secondly you stated in the opening paragraph that it was open to anyone who happened 'to hate Umbridge as much as I do.' Which we do.)

(Oh. I forgot about that.)

10. Put her in an enclosed space with a pack of Umbridge Ungues. Extremely painful and rather slow. (F.W. & G.W.)

(What in Merlin's name is an Umbridge Ungue?)

(An unguis is a nail, claw, or hoof. Which you would know Ronald, if you ever listened in Potions.)

(And an Umbridge Unguis looks rather like a cross between a Fanged Frisbee and a bludger with claws.)

(Right. Where do you get one from?)

(You can't yet. They're still in the development process.)

(Oh.)

(I would just like to say, that although I disapprove of the majority of your tricks, I think it's remarkable that you managed to find a word to alliterate with 'Umbridge'.)

(Thank-you Hermione. We also considered Umbridge Urushiol, or Umbridge Upas, but we thought Umbridge Unguis sounded best.)

(What's with all the ridiculously weird words? Did you look through the entire 'U' section of the dictionary.)

(Well, yes, actually. And while we're on the subject of 'U' words, we would like to add that we hope Umbridge catches urticaria.)

(That's a muggle disease though.)

(All the better.)

(Look, I'd really appreciate it if you stopped leaving me out of the conversation.)

(Well, little brother, it's not really a conversation considering we're writing.)

(Whatever. What is urticaria?)

(It's a skin condition where you get huge welts all over your body that are incredibly itchy.)

(Nasty.)

(That's the point.)