We don`t own Naruto, we don`t own Snow White. In fact we don`t own anything. Not even clothes. We wrote this naked. (Except for crazy socks.)

Haku White
Part I

Kakashi looked about at the large group of teenagers that had mysteriously all acquired pyjamas somewhere between chapters two and three. That was not what really bothered him though. What bothered him was the fact that the teenage ninjas were not yet sleeping. At this rate he would never get his book back.

"Alright, so what story can I tell you guys that will make you sleep?" asked Kakashi, trying not to sound too desperate.

"If I sleep I'll die…" pouted Gaara, dressed in red footy pyjamas, complete with butt flap.

"After seeing what Sasuke's wearing, I'll never get to sleep," groaned Kin, holding her head.

All eyes turned to Sasuke who was wearing a pair of pyjamas that were styled like Gaara's, except for the fact that they had purple stripes. HORIZONTAL purple stripes! Ino and Sakura were suddenly turned off by the idea of dating him, but neither said anything, for fear of the other making a move on the hideously clad lad. Sasuke sheepishly grumbled, "Orochimaru's hand-me-downs."

Thankfully, not all of the ninja were as badly dressed as Sasuke. Zaku, Dosu and Kin all had matching cow spot pyjamas. Sakura, Ino and Hinata had pink, purple and beige nightgowns respectively. (Though Ino had slippers that looked like piggies) Naruto had his cannon pyjamas (badass walrus sleepy-time cap included), because nobody messes with the cannon! Lee wore pyjamas that looked a lot like his suit, and Shikamaru just wore his clothes to sleep, because it was too troublesome to change. And then, there's Sai…

Sai sat in a corner with anime gloomy lines around him. Neji, in all his kunai patterned PJ glory looked down at him, "What's eating you?"

"Sakura won't let me use my pyjamas," he sobbed.

"That's harsh Sakura," said Choji, wearing green pyjamas with a butterfly print and munching his ever present bag of chips.

"You don't understand," groaned Sakura, "His pyjamas are non existent!"

"Gross," seethed Tenten in a pink Chinese style nightgown and pants.

"Actually," said Sai, brightening up a little, "It's not gross, it's actually very-"

"SHUT UP SAI!"

While Temari in her shorts and t-shirt beat up on Sai, it came to Kiba and his paw print patterned pyjama's attention that Shino was still dressed as he usually was.

"Hey Shino, aren't you going to change?" asked Kiba.

"No, I plan on staying awake," said Shino, nodding sagely, "I've decided to keep an eye on Sai and Jiraiya."

"Shino," said Kiba very slowly, fearing for his friend's mental health, "Jiraiya isn't here."

Shino simply remained silent and all knowing.

"Okay…" said Kiba uneasily, and walked away…slowly…very slowly.

"Hey!" yelled Kakashi, "Enough chatting! I want out of here! What story do you want to hear?"

Suddenly, a dull silence filled the room. Two heavenly voices floated down from the heavens. A strange, yet comforting and pure white light flooded over Kakashi. "Oooh, Snow White! Please?" The first voice said. It was very heavenly indeed.

The second voice grumbled and growled a little. "The kid wouldn't leave me alone until I brought him to hear the stories…" Okay, so that voice wasn't all that heavenly.

Everyone was in awe, Kakashi was facepalming, and realization dawned on Sakura like a brick. "Haku and Zabuza?" She gasped.

"Hey, hey, I knew I knew those voices! Dattebayo!" Naruto cried. A commotion arose, though mostly because nobody except for team seven really knew who Haku and Zabuza were. Well, Sasuke wasn't part of that commotion, he simply sighed and squirmed uncomfortably. Oh, Shino was quiet, too.

"SHUT UP SAI!" Sounded a few times, and finally, Kakashi had enough of it.

"BE QUIET!" The jounin yelled. …it didn't work.

"Please be quiet?" The Haku-glowy-light-thing asked femininely. …it didn't work, either.

"SHUT THE HELL UP YOU TINY LITTLE BASTARDS!" The ex-demon-of-the-mist, now heavenly-looking-stream-of-light-of-the-mist hollered. …ah-hah, that one worked! Everyone was quiet, hooray!

"Thanks, Zabuza."

"Any time, Kakashi."

"Right-o then. I'm going to tell Snow White. All of you are going to listen and–"

"Hey! Wait!" Kiba cried, "If Zaku, Dosu and Kin are dead, and so are Zabuza and Haku… why are Zaku, Dosu and Kin …well, kinda… real… but Zabuza and Haku are streamy-heavenly-light-things with voices?"

"Uuuhh… internet?" Zaku answered.

"Baka, that answer only works on Fairly Odd Parents." Dosu said.

"Oh, right."

"Shut up, morons," Kin sighed. "I'll explain." She stood up, towering over her peers, giving off a dramatically imposing image. "See, we're dead, and so are they. However, we have chosen to appear as physical manifestations of energy, with solid appearances and solid figures, in turn. Technically, we're a form of poltergeist. Zabuza and Haku, however, have chosen to appear in a different manifestation of energy. As you should very well know, there are other kinds of ghosts. They seem to have chosen the physical manifestation of electromagnetic energy, the gathering of such energy is strong enough to give off light. At the same time, they can still manifest themselves enough to have a voice."

"That's right," Haku interjected.

"…So really, yes, technically, all five of us are dead, and we are ghosts. We have chosen to be a form of poltergeists, and they are just manifestations of electromagnetic energy that most – or all – ghosts have." She bowed and sat down. A few people clapped, but most were extremely lost.

Before they could ask questions, the authoresses wanted to get on with the stupid stuff instead of lengthy, well-timed explanations, and made Kakashi talk again. "Alright, that's good enough, let's get back to the story here. We're going to do Snow White, in memory of Haku, and as such, Haku can be Snow White! We'll call him Haku White." (1)

"Isn't that a bit redundant?" Sasuke asked.

"Good point. Alright then, he's Snow Haku. And I think I have a good idea for the rest of the characters….

"Once upon a time, in a far away land, there was a beautiful princess – er – well, male princess, named Haku White. He was very pretty, and often confused for a girl. His formal title of princess didn't help much… anyways, Haku White lived with his evil step-mother – er – father, Queen Kakuzu."

Within-the-story no Jutsu!

Snow Haku danced in the courtyard… garden… thing…. with a white bunny. He twirled around in his pretty dress with the bunny in his arms singing with the birds, and talking to various woodland creatures. He was so sweet and pretty and kind and innocent, that it made Queen Kakuzu want to vomit.

"That kid is disgusting," grumbled Kakuzu, "He doesn't even bring in any income."

"Shut the fuck up, Kakuzu, seriously. I mean, it's not like you're a damned money attraction either, douche bag." Magic-Mirror-Hidan scowled.

"Yes, yes, now Magic-Mirror-Hidan, make yourself useful and remind me of how I'm the prettiest in the land again," ordered Queen Kakuzu. And, y'know, Kakuzu really is pretty. Seriously!

"Are you shittin' me? You're fucking ugly – hah, fugly! You fugly bastard! I mean, shit, man, Snow Haku is fucking hot compared to you."

"…Did that last sentence rhyme?"

"Not intentiona – I mean, NO! No it did not rhyme! Why the hell would I fucking rhyme?"

"I assumed it was part of that freak cult of yours. So Snow Haku is the prettiest eh? I'll just get rid of him. Now, should I call in Orochimaru? No, I need another heart. I'll send Snow Haku out to play with those creepy animals and then send a ninja assassin after him to rip out his heart!" he laughed evilly, "Then I'll sell the rest of the corpse and make a ton! GWAHAHAH!"

"Riiiight… have fun with that." The Magic Mirror, Hidan, responded.

"I will, no thanks to you, bastard." said Queen Kakuzu, whom of which promptly turned on his heel and set off to find a half-decent ninja assassin.

Sometime later, after much searching, the distraught Queen Kakuzu was so distraught, as earlier mentioned, because no half-decent ninja assassin was to be found. Instead, the distraught man had found… Sai.

"Now listen! I want you to bring Snow Haku's heart back to me in this box. This box. And I want his heart, alright? I want him dead!"

"Are you sure you're not just killing him because you're a n-"

"SHUT UP!"

"Well, I'm just saying, I mean, Haku is kinda pretty for a boy. I bet he-"

"SHUT UP!"

"Yipe! Sorry, sorry!" Sai cried when Queen Kakuzu launched a bunch of scary, dark threads towards the belly-shirt wearing woodsman/ninja assassin.

"Now, I sent Snow Haku out a good half hour or so ago, to go play with the woodland creatures. He should be somewhere around…"

"Are you sure he's playing with them and not-"

"SHUT UP! Yes, I'm sure! Now go! And don't forget – Haku's heart in this box!" Kakuzu scowled, pushing the intricately designed box into Sai's gloved hands.

"Yes ma'am-er-sir! Yes sir!" Sai said with a fake smile and a nod. He turned and strode off, out the big, pretty, castle doors that always open so dramatically, no matter which fairy tale you're in… er, back on topic.

Queen Kakuzu slumped in his throne, rubbing his brow in frustration. He sighed heavily. "Hidan, get the hell out here." He demanded.

"Not until you say that stupid fucking rhyme." The echo-ish voice sniggered.

"Fine, dammit! Mirror, mirror, get your ass out here before I chuck you off the highest damn tower on this castle!"

"That's not how it goooeeees!" Hidan chided in a sing-songy, bemused voice.

"It will be if you don't shut up and start being serious."

"…Fuck, you've got a stick up your ass, don't you?"

"That's better. Now, Sai should be getting there any minute now! Gah, I can't wait!"

Scene-change no Jutsu!

Snow Haku sat in the middle of a large field of flowers wearing an abnormally pretty pink dress, surrounded by all the woodland creatures who loved him…dearly not queerly! Snow Haku was making a crown of flowers for each of them.

"Oh mister bunny! You look so pretty!" cried Snow Haku, hugging/strangling a white rabbit with a daisy chain around its head. "You're so cuuuuuuute!"

Just as Snow Haku was about to glomp the other animals he heard a poor little birdy that fell out of its nest.

"Oh no! A poor little birdy fell out of its nest!" gasped Snow Haku.

Keep in mind Snow Haku was the fairest, not the smartest or the most in character. He scooped up the blue bird and with ninja speed and agility, scaled the tree and put the bird back in its nest.

"There you go little birdy. There's no need to be scarred, your parents will come for you," soothed the boy princess. Then he looked dramatically and forlornly into the sunset that had somehow appeared in the afternoon. He took a deep breath and sang, "Someday my prince will-"

"Arg! Singing!" yelled Sai, who had managed to keep his lunch down until that moment. The scene was just too sweet and innocent. So sweet and innocent it made him writhe in pain and fall out of a tree.

"Oh my! Sir are you lost?" asked Snow Mary-Su- I mean, Haku rushing to his side.

"No actually, I was sent to kill you," said Sai, still all smiles.

"Ah!" screamed Snow Haku flinging his arms in front of himself in defence.

"Would you mind moving your arms?" asked Sai, "Its hard to get a clear shot at your heart."

"Oh, okay," chirped Snow Haku, who never dreamed of inconveniencing anyone.

"Uh-oh, uh, I forgot the box…say, could you wait there for a second?" asked Sai.

"Sure, take your time!" called Snow Haku as Sai rushed off to find the box.

Five hours later

"I'm back, thanks for waiting," said Sai, "Sorry I have to kill you now little girl."

"Oh it's not a problem," assured Snow Haku, "But you should know that I'm really a boy."

"Wait!" gasped Sai, "You're a boy! You have a-"

"Um, please don't go there," pleaded Snow Haku.

"I can't kill another bishounen character! Have you any idea how vastly outnumbered we are in this series? You should run away, that should prevent Queen Kakuzu from killing you," ranted Sai, shoving Haku into the dark scary woods, "You'll obviously be safer in these evil looking woods anyways."

Snow Haku ran away screaming into the dark evil looking woods, leaving Sai to wonder what to do about his current heart problem. Seeing a bunny hop by, he smiled a rare real smile. "Ohoho," he rubbed his hands together in an evillish delight, "this ought to show that bitch Kakuzu for telling me to shut up!"

Meanwhile, back at the ranch… er… castle...

"Hey, Kakuzu, wake up you fugly bastard! That little bitch Sai is back."

Queen Kakuzu, whom of which had been snoozing peacefully on his throne, jerked awake with a snort. "Huh? What? FLYING MONKEYS!"

Hidan the Magic Mirror sighed in frustration. "Wrong story, doucebag. This is Snow Haku, remember?"

"Ah, right. Well then, what the hell did you want?"

"The woodsman is back annoyingly damn early."

"Woodsman?"

"Well he's a fucking ninja assassin too."

"Ah, you mean Sai."

"I told you that the first... oh, nevermind. Here the little bitch comes. Make him hurry up, I'm getting bored of this lame-ass fucking story."

"Fine, fine! But only so you shutup. Now, time to make me some money, heh heh heh."

As if on cue, Sai strode in with a bold arrogance in his walk that was actually quite dramatic (it didn't help that he came in those big, dramatic doors). He strode up to Queen Kakuzu, who was now standing, and bowed with even more drama. He offered up the box, dramatically. "For you, my queen!"

Queen Kakuzu's eye twitched. "I don't like where all this drama is going..." he mumbled, and took the box. He cast a look of distrust towards the eerily smiling Sai, and slowly opened the box. It creaked gently, and then... "WHAT THE HELL?"

Sai just stood there grinning like an idiot.

"THIS IS DISGUSTING! Augh, what the helllllll! SAI YOU DINK!"

"I'm not a dink!" Sai chirped. "The thing in the box is a –"

"SHUT UP SAI!" Queen Kakuzu and Hidan shouted at the same time.

"Aw, man, that's some sick shit. What the fuck is wrong with this kid?" Hidan scowled. "I mean, I like my share of sadism, but this is just fucking disgusting."

Kakuzu slammed the box shut and flung it at Sai. "I SAID I WANTED A HEART! You sick bastard! Get the hell out of here, right now!"

"Hey, what about my pay?"

"OUT!" Kakuzu pointed to the dramatic doors that our one authoress seems to like so much. Sai pouted and stalked out.

However, before the woodsman/ninja assassin was quite out the big spiffy doors-o-drama, he turned and said, "That thing wasn't easy to get, y'know. I had to-"

"SHUT UP!" And with thus, Sai shut up. And he left (dramatically through the doors, of course).

Scene-change no Jutsu!

Haku screamed and ran through the evil looking woods. He screamed as the branches grabbed at the annoyingly pretty pink dress. He screamed at the scary shadows that flickered across the landscape as lightning danced across the near-black sky. He screamed as a particularly fearsome, large bird of prey swooped low, screeching like a banshee as its claws cuffed his well-cared for black hair. He screamed as thunder boomed loudly overhead. He paused to catch his breath, and once his lungs were satisfied he set to screaming at anything and everything once again. This included a stationary rock that was more sparkly than scary.

Finally he flung himself on a less frightening stationary rock and sobbed. It was all too scary and the canon character turned OOC angsty Sue, so he cried and wept over his current situation and oh so tragic past.

"Oh this reminds me of the snowy village where my abusive parents abused me because of my beauty and awesome ninja skills until they were killed and I had no friends and then I was sent to live with an evil queen who talks to a mirror and keeps trying to sell me into slavery and it's so scary and I almost died and my life is soooooooo tragic-"

Then the sun got so annoyed with the angsting that it shined to make things less scary thus hopefully make Haku stop crying.

"Thank you Mr. Sun!" called Snow Haku.

It was just then that Snow Haku noticed something. ...Because we need to get on with this plot. And this something that Snow Haku noticed was a Zabuza! A big, scary, manly, tough Zabuza. (The best kind, in our opinion.)

"Zabuza-san! What are you doing in this big, dark, scary woods?" Snow Haku asked in relief.

"Well, all the little woodland creatures that were supposed to come and cheer you up got scared and ran off."

"Well these woods ARE scary, in their defence..."

"No, Haku, they were scared of your Mary-Sue angsting. Pussies." The last part was murmured, and added as an afterthought.

"...Oh."

"So anyway, I'm here to take you to the cabin. Get up, let's go."

"Cabin? Don't you mean cottage?"

"Same shit, different pile."

"You can't swear in a fairy tale!" And then Snow Haku remembered Queen Kakuzu's mirror, Hidan. "Oh, right. I forgot about him."

"Stop talkin' to yourself and let's get going." Zabuza proceeded to leave, and whether Snow Haku followed or not wasn't his problem. Of course, being Haku and the "rescuer" being Zabuza, it's only canon that Haku followed him. ...Because nobody messes with the cannon. (Even though the authoresses are totally screwing us over, here...)

So the two trotted off into the scary (but now sunny) woods. They soon found themselves facing a cabin – er – cottage. It was large and wooden-y, and had a chimney, and a door, and some windows...

"Oh! Zabuza-san, look! A pretty little cottage!" Snow Haku clapped in delight. Zabuza grunted in response.

Snow Haku then continued on with the plot and rushed into the cab-er-cottage. Zabuza, more out of curiosity than actual wanting-to-go-in-ness.

"Oh my! Look how filthy this place is. It's as though a small group, roughly six to eight in number, resides here, and since they're out being ninjas – or something – all day, they probably don't have time to clean! Gasp! How tragic," Snow Haku shook his/her/its head in dismay.

"Stop hypothesizing," snapped Zabuza, even though Haku was marginally correct.

"Oh!" Haku stopped suddenly in his tracks. He seemingly didn't listen to Zabuza at all. "We should clean it for them! That way, in they get mad because we had just barged in their house and intruded, then we can say, 'at least we cleaned!' and we'll all live happily ever after!"

"That's not I recall this fairy tale ending. If I'm not mistaken, you die in the end."

Snow Haku still wasn't listening. He/she/it was rolling up his/her/its sleeves. "Alright, Zabuza-san, let's get cleaning!"

"Wait? I don't think so. I didn't sign up to this fairy tale to do your dirty work. That's what you're supposed to do for ME, remember?"

Snow Haku gave Zabuza the most wibbly puppy-dog eyes he had ever seen. "B-b-but, the woodland creatures never came, and you showed up instead, so I just thought –"

The big swordsman found himself having a hard time trying to say "no" to the wibblies. Whatever those were. ...So he made up an excuse instead. "I need to leave, to... go pick up some milk. You know how cranky I get when we're out of milk."

"Oh that's no problem, Zabuza-san, I conveniently picked some up for you before the start of this fairy-crackfic." Snow Haku smiled.

Despite the convenience of Haku's off-screen, earlier action, Zabuza continued to find excuses. "Well, you know, there's this Seven Swordsmen of the Mist reunion, and I don't really wanna be late..."

"But I thought none of you got along?" Snow Haku innocently tipped his head while he spoke.

"Well, I know, but... well, you know how Kisame gets when I don't visit him. He might run off and join a not so secret organization...or become a sea witch...or something..."

TO BE CONTINUED!
Dun dun duuun! Oooh, suspense!

Will Kakashi ever finish the story? Will Zin and Sen ever write Kakashi finishing the story? Will Kisame become a sea witch? Even we don't know...