Note: SEE, SEE!? I know none of you believed me, but I did it. I got it out. I swear I'll never give up on this.

When Carpools Get Ugly

Chapter VII

Crime and Punishment

-In which old times come back to bite our boys, Neji finally loses it, emo songs are sung, the culprit behind Bessie's vandalism is FINALLY revealed, Lee attempts to find a plus in a world of minuses, and, as always, the plot thickens-

izumo's Office- 8:02 a.m. The Following Monday

"I'm sorry....I'm sure there's no way I could have heard you correctly..."

Izumo was not amused.

Hidan kept rambling.

"Because I know for a fact that you couldn't have said-"

"Detention."

The cultist winced.

"See, there I go again with the hearing things, sensei. Maybe I need to go see Tsunade...."

He attempted to walk away, but Deidara, sighing, grabbed the back of his shirt.

"Now," Izumo continued, once Hidan was seated again, "Don't even try to pretend like you're innocent because at this point that would just be digging your own grave. Following an investigation of the several crimes committed in the past few weeks, witness reports from Karin and Uchiha Sasuke, as well as a confirmed sighting from Janitor Levi, we now know for a fact that the two of you are guilty of breaking and entering, deliberately disregarding school rules, damaging school property, as well as emotionally scarring your underclassman, Karin; a student who doesn't seem to have wronged either of you personally."

Hidan pouted and sunk a few inches in his chair. Deidara hid behind his bangs in shame.

"However," Izumo went on, "we also have reason to believe that the two of you were not the only offenders- especially since neither of you seemed to have a personal problem with Karin. We think someone put you up to it- and that's not even taking into account that there's basically no way that deviants even as....accomplished...as yourselves would be able to break into the school alone. So, want to give me some names?"

In a flash, Hidan had gone from sulking in his seat to standing on top of it and screaming.

"WE'LL NEVER RAT OUT OUR FRIENDS TO A SCUMBAG LIKE YOU- NEEVEEEERRRR!"

"Hidan!" Deidara hissed, pulling his red-faced friend back down while nervously glancing at the teacher.

Surprisingly, however, Izumo only smirked, holding up his hands in mock submission.

"Alright, alright, it's your choice. I had a feeling you were gonna react like that anyways. Maybe all you need to cooperate is a little...incentive."

"What kind of incentive, un?" Deidara asked loudly in an attempt to drown out Hidan's wild cries of,

"What are you trying to do now, some kind of good cop bad cop routine? HAH it'll take more than that to break me...go ahead and try- my loyalty is unwavering, you hear me? UN-FREAKIN-WAVERING!"

This time Izumo chuckled.

"Well then, in that case, I guess it'll have no effect on you whatsoever when I remind you that technically the two of you could be convicted of several felonies if, oh hypothetically, I were so inclined as to press charges..."

A moment of blank silence.

"Hyuuga Neji, Rock Lee, Hozuki Suigetsu, and Uzumaki Naruto."

"Thaaat's what I thought."

"Wow, Hidan, don't try to be a hero or anything, un, go ahead and tell the teacher what he needs to know," Deidara quipped sarcastically, rolling his one visible blue eye.

"Oh sure, be an asshole then, but you know full well, Deidara, that protecting the brats isn't worth our rotting in jail."

"Oh my god, un. Hidan, he wasn't actually gonna try to have us arrested, he just knew you were stupid enough to take the bait. He probably already knew about the freshmen anyways."

"Huh, very good," the teacher remarked. "You could stand to learn a few things from your friend here, Hidan." Izumo casually pushed the intercom button on his desk.

"Kotetsu, bring 'em in!"

Mere seconds later Kotetsu burst through the door to Izumo's office with Suigetsu, Naruto, Neji, and Lee in tow- the latter two looking quite unstrung.

"Sensei," Neji asked, voice shaking slightly, "Is there a problem?"

"No, just a solution. The four of you have been found guilty of helping these two," he broke off gesturing at the two upperclassmen who stubbornly avoided meeting the four cold stares, "break into the school in the dead of night and sabotage the locker of a fellow student; in the process breaking about ten school rules."

"Oh...no..." Choked Neji, falling heavily into a seat.

"The verdict..." Kotetsu announced menacingly, "....detention."

"Detention?" Neji squeaked faintly, voice rising two octaves.

"As in...the thing that bad kids get for breaking the rules?" Lee clarified, bushy eyebrows drawn together.

Naruto yawned.

"Yes."

"Alright, teach, so what kinda crap do we have to do this time?" Suigetsu drawled.

But Kotetsu was prevented from answering as, at that moment, the magnitude of the situation appeared to have hit home with Neji.

"Oh no no no no no no nooo.... I-I can't be in detention...I'm Hyuuga Neji. You can't do this to me, it'll ruin my LIFE! I won't get into college and I'll end up working at a GROCERY STORE! DO YOU WANT THAT KIND OF THING ON YOUR CONSCIENCE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?!"

"...Hyuuga-"

"DO YOU?!"

"Hokay..." Izumo sighed, "seems the best thing to do would be to just get this over with. You will be serving your detentions this afternoon. In answer to your question, Suigetsu, you'll be doing service work."

"Aww. I HATE service work. Can't we do this old-school...ya know like sit in a room and silently stare at a wall?"

"...No."

"Well that just about wraps things up." Kotetsu said, standing, "Alright boys, you can go." The six boys moved towards the door four of them in relief and two in shock. "Oh, one more thing. I think it might be a good idea to split up the dream teams. Lee, Uzumaki, and Deidara, you three will meet Izumo back here at 3:30 exactly. Don't be late."

Kotetsu turned to the remaining boys. "As for you three, you'll be meeting me in the kitchen. Have a nice day."

They all flied out of the room, only Suigetsu pausing briefly at door to mutter, "Sadists," before dejectedly shuffling back to class, leaving the two teachers alone.

Izumo sighed.

"Kotetsu?"

"Yeah?"

"Why the hell didn't you smack the shit outta me when I said I thought being a high school teacher would be 'fun' ? "

"....I don't know......"

The Cafeteria- 3:20 p.m.

"I blame you."

"Yeah...well ya know what, I kind of figured."

The three law-breakers were sitting on the tables just outside of the door to the kitchens awaiting Kotetsu's arrival and his divine teacher-judgement.

"You corrupted me," Neji hissed, giving the cultist a really dirty look.

"Oh god, 'corrupted?' " Hidan repeated, "You're making it sound like I raped, you or something"

"I believe you're thinking of 'violated,' not 'corrupted,' Hidan," Suigetsu helpfully supplied between bites of his apple.

Hidan lapsed into silence.

"You don't even know what 'corrupted' means, do you?" Neji said, sounding disgusted.

"Oh, like it matters."

"It DOES matter! How are you gonna pass the vocabulary portion of your S.?"

"S., A., S.H.- whatever, they're all worthless anyways."

"NO THEY AREN'T!" Neji hollered fiercely, "THEY'RE THE GATEWAYS TO OUR FUTURES!"

"See, Neji, that's your problem exactly. You care way too fucking much."

"No, you're the one with the problem. You don't care at all! Neither of you do!"

"So?" Both chimed concordantly.

"Sooo, when good kids like me get mixed up with bad kids like you only bad things happen! God, I just wish- " He broke off, sighing, "I almost wish I had never met either of you. That I had never gotten mixed up with these stupid revenge plots. I mean my life is just a huge mess right now and well...I CAN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE!"

Neji slumped dramatically to the floor.

Hidan sighed in a patriarchal fashion. "Nej, I believe it would behoove you to change your perspective a little."

"Oh sure so you don't know what 'corrupted' means, but you can define 'behoove' and use it correctly in a sentence?"

"It's a fucked up world." Suigetsu declared, gnawing on the apple core.

"Would you two fucking shut it? Listen, Neji, buddy, we're in trouble now, but you gotta remember all the awesome times we've had. I mean, sure we're on a one-way road to hell, or rather we're kind of plummeting off a cliff with nothing but those proverbial rocks to land on, if you prefer metaphors of that sort."

"Normally I'd ask if there's a point to all this but I honestly think you get your jollies by just blowing steam out of your ass."

His fellow freshman nodded firmly.

"Yup, there's enough hot gas in this one to fill several hot air balloons, or at least I hope cause plane tickets to Australia would be fucking expensive..."

"LISTEN! God, you're missing the point, dipshits. Especially you Neji, you're so caught up with where you're headed, you're completely incapable of enjoying the detours on the highway of life."

"'Highway of life?' Wait a sec, I though you just said we were on a one-way road to hell...there aren't detours on a one-way road. And even if there were, where would they even lead to considering what the final destination is?"

Suigetsu looked pensive.

"Idaho?"

Muttering under his breath, clearly exasperated, Hidan stood.

"Neji, Neji, Neji, " he said, gripping the boy's shoulders, "I know we're in deep shit, but if you would just chill out for once and let go....I can promise you everything's gonna be alright in the end."

"NO, it WON'T. You've fucked up my life beyond all repair. I have no control anymore, I'm just free- falling."

Hidan chuckled slightly and stood up, a sardonic grin gracing his features.

"Well when you free-fall find if heaven waits."

"Geronimo!" Suigetsu giggled, tipping backwards onto the table he had been sitting on, faded red converse pointed skyward.

"You're so full of shit it's amazing it's not leaking out of your ears, ya know that?"

And at that point, Kotetsu walked in.

Izumo's office- 3:20 p.m.

Dejectedly, Naruto, Deidara, and Lee slumped into the office. A horrible end to a horrible day, Deidara thought. Figures.

But as soon as the rounded the corner and opened the door, underclassmen in tow, he realized his horrible day just got hella more horrible.

Twin pairs of dull-black eyes glared at the motley crew as they cautiously entered the office, wincing under the intensity of the stares. Lee opened his mouth, and taking action before he could say something incredibly stupid, Deidara shunted the two freshmen into the farthest corner away from the two seated on Izumo's desk.

"What was that for?" Lee asked, puzzled, "I was just gonna try to be friendly."

"Yeah, un, well friendliness is wasted on some people," Deidara whispered back, glancing over the shiny top of Lee's bowl cut to see if they were still being watched.

They were.

Well shit.

"Ohh, I get it."

Deidara and Naruto both looked shocked. If Lee wasn't so slow, he might have been insulted.

"You do?!" Where oh where was the Lee they thought they knew?

"Sure I do. Being put into detention has made you change your hooligan ways. You're now realizing all the danger you've put us impressionable little tykes through, and are trying to take responsibility for your actions by being more protective of us! I'm so proud of you, Deidara!"

Ah. There he was.

"Lee, listen, we know the two of them by reputation. They're Sakon and Ukon, a couple of sophomores who are always in trouble, " Naruto explained, "I've never talked to them, but I know a bunch of kids who've been in detention with them before. They're a right couple of nasty pieces of work."

Lee looked over at the twins who now had their pale heads together, whispering.

"So...neither of you have ever actually talked to them?"

Both blondes shook their heads, bracing themselves for wherever Lee was going with this.

"And you don't actually know what they're like as people....?"

"Lee..." Deidara began delicately, "People don't change, I mean, un, sure reputations can be loads of shit, but with these two it's different, trust me."

Many people say that cautionary words are wasted on the painfully stupid. And, tragically, such was the case with Lee. The look in his buggy eyes gave Deidara and Naruto a hunch that it was already too late to try and stop him.

They were right.

"I'm going to prove to you two Negative Nancy's that you can't just judge people based on what other people tell you about them. If you and Hidan hadn't automatically assumed that Kankuro vandalized Bessie, it would have saved all of us a lot of trouble, not to mention we wouldn't be in the mess we're in now, would we? "

"You could have picked someone who's not fucking creepy to test your theory on, ya know that?" The other freshman hissed, but Lee pressed an upheld finger to Naruto's lips, dramatically draping his arm over his forehead.

"Hush. Let no more prejudices spoil thy cherubic pink lips."

And with that, Lee was off, leaving Deidara to slump, sighing into a seat, and Naruto to wonder, eyebrows quirked what the devil the word "cherubic" meant.

Lee moseyed on over to the window, hands clasped behind his back. Casually, he picked up a rather horrendous crystal paperweight off of Izumo's desk, examining the way it glistened in the late-afternoon light.

"Beautiful day...isn't it? Shame we're stuck here." Lee furtively glanced over his shoulder. The two porcelain faces still bore the identical masks of stony indifference that they had when he had first walked in.

Well fine, if the friendly approach didn't work...it was time for the infamous Rock Lee tough guy act.

Without warning, Lee violently slammed the paperweight back down on the desk, trying not to squeal in pain as he crushed his own fingers in the process. Wincing and shaking his hand around he began again."Yep, it was a pretty day then too." He paused, waiting to see if his dramatic emphasis had any effect.

It didn't.

"That day....the day my buddies and me snuck into the school for no reason but the sake of tomfoolery....or so we thought! How very wrong we were, and how foolish with our boyish naivety...yet how lucky to escape with our lives, but more importantly, our virginity, intact. It was quite a feat."

A pale eyebrow quirked, and Lee stopped, thrilled. He must be getting to them.

"You snuck into the school....in broad daylight? Impressive, and if you did it on a weekday it's a real wonder you're not in jail," The twin on the right drawled.

Lee froze, arms still outstreched. Then an idiotic look of cunning retook his features

.".....I see you did not pick up on the metaphor I cleverly added for the sake of story-telling. The daylight bit symbolized our blindingly white innocence that we held onto so desperately, even in the heat of our youth...No, that adventure that forever defined our existence took place at about four in the morning."

The twin nodded slowly, sharing a loaded glance with his brother.

"......Christ...." Deidara muttered, placing his hands on his knees and leaning closer in morbid fascination. Even as experienced as he was, he'd never seen bullshitting this epic before. Naruto, on the other hand, began to distract himself with the stapler. Apparently this astounding display of idiocy was too much for him.

"Yes! It was the middle of the night, and what a night it was...."

Meanwhile, back in the Cafeteria-

"Since you violated the school."

Suigetsu shot a look at Hidan. Violated, there it was used correctly.

"...you will do service to the school."

"Don't they pay people to do that kind of shi- I mean stuff?" Hidan asked.

"Yes they do, but you see it saves us all money, and lets me have a higher salary, if the school board can occasionally cut funding and let the local trouble makers eat their just desserts."

"Do we get ice cream?" Suigetsu looked excited at the prospect.

"I don't know. Depends on if you want to lick it out of the remains of last week's lunch while you're on dish duty." He flung open the door to the kitchens, looking pleased with his wit.

"Dish duty?" Neji echoed, looking forlornly at his perfectly-manicured hands. Dish soap was so merciless on his delicate skin....

"What the fuc- uuuuuuuudgesicle," Hidan almost swore, saving himself just in time.

Kotetsu quirked an eyebrow. "Fuc-udgesicle?"

"Yeah, Fudgesicle, homes," Suigetsu repeated, winking at the teacher "It's slang."

"Never heard that particular expression before," Kotetsu replied, staring pointedly at Hidan who stubbornly refused to make eye contact.

"Well you better write it down in your little notebook, cause you ain't hip to the jive, cat. It's what all the groovy youngsters are saying nowadays."

"Is that so?"

"Striz- aight-up, playa."

Kotetsu opened his mouth, thought better of it, closed it, and then walked into the kitchens.

"Whatever. I'm going to teach you boys how to use the washer, so grab some rubber gloves and get ready for a wild time!"

Neji resigned himself to his fate and followed Kotetsu into the kitchen.

Hidan pulled Suigetsu aside.

"Suigetsu, next time you cover for me...actually....don't ever try to save my ass again, got it?"

"I be pickin up what you're puttin down, dawg."

"God, what did I fucking do to deserve this?"

Suigetsu slapped him gently across the face with a bright pink rubber glove.

"Hey, if you can't stand the heat stay out of the kitchen, bitch."

Indeed, Suigetsu, indeed.

Back in Izumo's Office-

Deidara's eye had taken to twitching sporadically.

For the past eight and a half minutes he had been subjected to the Rock Lee version of what had happened on their "Epic Escapade of Juvenile Delinquency," complete with elaborate hand gestures, dramatic narration, and different ridiculous high-pitched voices for every different one of their heavily- paraphrased quotations.

"......So then Hidan said, 'Golly Gee Willikers, guys! Methinks I hear the pitter-patter of Janitor Levi's booted feet!' And then the rest of us ran, or in Hidan and Suigetsu's case hobbled, because, you know, they had that tuba rather comically glued to their backsides, but anyways, so when we got to the stairs, we discovered that Janitor Levi wasn't alone! He had brought his army of janitor interns from the East Side Janitorial School, you know, the one with those darn catchy radio jingles? So we found ourselves surrounded! Everywhere we turned there were angry ex-convict janitor interns-we were completely cornered!"

Deidara twitched and slapped himself gently across the face to rouse himself from his stupor. For the love of all things holy...when would it end?"

An unpleasant gurgle sounded from his left.

Ew.

Naruto had fallen asleep, head tilted back, his open mouth collecting a rather formidable pool of drool that bubbled unpleasantly with every snore.

"....And so, after their tragically broken bodies had cushioned our three story fall, we disentangled ourselves from the smoldering, bloody remains, and fled campus in our shattered, defeated chariot, Bessie. But not before using the spray paint we happened to have with us to leave a monument to the heroic dead on the wall of the cafeteria. and thus.....we are now being justly punished for our sins."

"...Is it over?" One of the twins asked slowly, his glazed eyes wide as he elbowed his dozing brother.

"Yes."

"Good..un.." muttered Deidara

"Soo..." Lee said casually leaning against the desk, crossing his arms, "What are you two in for?"

Both twins looked up, and, smiling cruelly, they hissed, "Nothing you can prove."

Lee attempted to covertly scoot away.

"...Riiiiiiiiiighhht...."

Operation: Prove to Blondes that Justice, Truth, and Friendship Triumph Over Vengeance and Evil Via Befriending Sketchy Twins.

Plan A: Put self on same level as twins in attempt to commiserate via the infamous Rock Lee Tough Guy Act

Status: Failure.

In the Kitchen-

"For the last time, motherfucker, pass me. the mother. fucking. dish soap."

Hidan enunciated every syllable of his insinuated threat in time to his deliberate scrubbing of a filthy, cassarole- encrusted plate that he suspected hadn't seen the light of day in three weeks. Unwittingly, he was right on the money due to the lunch staff's nasty habit of purposely saved a pile of the grodiest, gnarliestdishes, stowed away in the deepest, darkest corner of the enormous sink specifically for the troublemakers of the school. Filth for the filthy, they reasoned. All's fair in love and detention.

"DISH. SOAP."

"HOLD. YOUR FUCKING. HORSES!"

With a look of extreme concentration. Suigetsu raised his right hand to his lips, and blew gently through the ring formed by his thumb and forefinger. An iridescent bubble larger than his head ensued. It popped mere moments later, all over Neji, who had his head bent, scrubbing industriously. The slimly layer of soap coating his hair, as well as the slight facial tick he seemed to have developed, hinted that this had been going on for far too long.

Suigetsu giggled like a five year old watching someone in pain, and handed Hidan the dish soap.

"I swear to god, when we get out of this I'm driving you to fucking Walmart and buying you the biggest fucking bubble whatever they have. God."

Rolling his violet eyes, Hidan casually reached across Neji, dish soap in hand to pick up a fork.

"What are you doing...."

The words, prefaced by an exaggerated gasp, were hissed through Neji's teeth like air from a popped tire.

Hidan's pale eyebrows almost met his hairline.

"Getting a fork..."

"But...I do the forks..."

Hidan slowly withdrew his hand, still clasped around the fork, never breaking eye contact with the now-reddning Hyuuga.

"Neji..it's silverware...it doesn't matter..."

"We have a system. There's order to the chaos. I do the forks."

The Hyuuga's already white eyes now looked frighteningly blank and unfocused.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to the others, Suigetsu had surreptitiously stolen the dish soap, one fang sticking out in a sly, sly grin. This was gonna be the biggest bubble yet...

"Oh calm yourself down, bitch. I'm already holding it, I really don't think it's gonna kill you."

Apparently, it was.

Hidan began washing the fork.

Neji went completely rigid, mouth contorting viciously.

A moment of silence, punctured by the vague pop of a bubble.

Then-

"I. DO. THE FOOOORRRRKSS!"

And with that, Neji hurled himself at Hidan, tackling his upperclassman to the ground. Neji slammed a plate over Hidan's head so hard that the latter saw stars. Pieces of last week's tater-tot casserole went flying. The two tussled about in a puddle of soapy water on the kitchen floor for a bit, Hidan wrestling desperately for control, until Neji effectively shut him off, palming his face and ramming his head to meet the shiny linoleum. Hard.

Suigetsu rocked back and forth on his heels, hand gripping the door frame, fangs jutted out in concentration- debating.

As fun as this was to watch, should he go get someone to break them up? Should he call someone to sedate Neji? Should he wait until Hidan lost consciousness and then see if Neji calmed down?

Considering how hard Hidan's skull was, it was tied between options one and two. The debate was effectively settled when, with a wild yelp, Hidan jolted as Neji stuck a spoon somewhere no spoon should ever go.

Yeaaaah....this was definitely more fun to watch.

In the meantime, Neji had acquired more firepower. To be specific, a stack of plates.

"I!" (smash) "DO!" (clang) "THE!" (boom) "FOOOOOOOORRRKS!" (bang smash crash)

"OKAY OKAY I FUCKING GET IT! YEEEOUWCH! WATCH WHERE YOU STICK THAT!"

SMASH CLANG

"YOU HEATHEN SON OF A BITCH!"

"I DO THE FORKS!"

BANG CRASH

"FUCK THE MOTHERFUCKING FORKS, FUCKER!"

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON HERE!"

Uh oh. Suigetsu thought. Party's over.

Kotetsu arrived on the scene, an expression of epic alarm on his face as the regarded the soapy teenagers before him.

Neji looked up, red faced, wild eyed, with hair sticking out at awkward angles: still sitting astride Hidan, gripping his pallid throat so tight his face turned magenta and his eyes bugged out slightly. A fork was held aloft in his fist, aimed at the upperclassman's jugular.

For lack of something more meaningful and less obvious, Kotetsu said,

"Calm down..."

Neji breathed heavily, and the two watched as the fight went out of his eyes so fast it almost made a sound. Reluctantly, almost, he relinquished his grip on Hidan's throat.

"I am calm, perfectly calm, so calm...."

"Okay....astounded as I am that that actually worked, given the apparent severity of the situation, I guess I'll just ask you to come with me, Hyuuga."

Neji quietly stood up, dusted himself off, and walked over the the cautiously waiting Kotetsu.

Hidan sprang to his feet, bruises already forming, eyes still bugging out, but this time in rage."You're just gonna let him off that easy?!"

Kotetsu pointed a threatening finger at him.

"Don't make me tase you..."

Hidan spluttered, saliva splattering from his bulging lips into the soapy brine below, his face darkening through a nasty half magenta-puce color to deep, beet red. Finally, the managed to grind out,

"WHERE'S THE JUSTICE!!?"

"For reals!" Suigetsu agreed, looking, to a lesser degree, equally angry. "Why does Neji get to go to solitary confinement?!?"

Kotetsu sighed. More like, 'Where's the sanity?'

Somewhere in the Hallways!

Sakon dejectedly kicked a rolled-up ball of paper across the floor.

"This is really lame."

His twin, and Lee, nodded in agreement.

The three were walking through the empty halls donning bright orange "WE RECYCLE!" vests, and wheeling large recycling bins. The punishment of the group in Izumo's office was simple: to patrol the school and empty the bins. Every. Single. One.

Unfortunately for the twins, but by some happy stroke of luck for Lee, Naruto and Deidara were paired up, leaving Lee with Sakon and Ukon. Needless to say, only one person was enthused at this prospect.

"Here we go guys! Bin number 63! Alright!"

"Yay," muttered a twin, tonelessly.

Lee skipped jovially to the bin and hoisted it up, dumping it into their larger, rolling counterpart. One folded piece of paper rolled out.

"Ohhhh! A note!"

With an expression that conveyed he had successfully robbed a bank and gotten away with it, Lee unfolded it. He gasped.

"You'll never guess what guys! Marcia secretly loves Paul!"

"I hope she gets an STD." Ukon said flatly. At least, Lee thought it was Ukon."That would be tragic, but I bet since she secretly loves Paul, she'd keep it a secret so as not to secretly compromise the secrecy of her secret love affair. You know guys," he continued, shoving in between the twins and draping an arm across both pairs of thin shoulders, "If I secretly got an STD from my secret lover, you two would be the only ones I'd secretly tell. I feel like we've gotten so close over our short time together."

He sighed fondly.

"So close, that I bet either of you would be comfortable secretly entrusting your secrets to me, wouldn't you?"

For a few moments, the only sound to be heard was the gentle rhythmic thumping of the recycling bin's wheels rolling over the uneven carpeting.

"You know what?" One of the twins finally started.

Lee beamed up at him, his round eyes hopefull.

"Yes?"

"If we're so close, try telling me which one of us is Sakon and which is Ukon."

Lee looked rapidly from face to face. Blast! These two gave the word 'identical' a new meaning. He bet they even had freckles in the same places.

Operation: P.B.J.T.F.T.O.V.E.V.B.S.T.

Plan B: Confidence of secrets in order to gain trust

Status: Failure

Meanwhile in the Men's Locker Room-

Gingerly and distastefully, Naruto plucked a jock strap from the clingy pieces of paper among which it was nested.

"To be completely honest, I feel pretty dirty," The blonde proclaimed.

"Welcome to my life, un," Deidara agreed as he moved someone's decaying sneakers. "This place is ridiculously nasty."

"True that."

The pair walked on through the cavernous locker room, picking up bits of discarded homework, the only sound the gentle rhythm of their footsteps. But as they progressed in silence, Naruto began to hear an eerie noise reverberating from the toilet area.

"Deidara," he whispered, pausing, holding out a hand to stop the other, "can you hear that?"

The elder blonde stopped, head cocked slightly to the noise. He wordlessly put his fingers to his lips and motioned Naruto to follow him. As the two crept closer and closer to the source of the noise, its nature changed. Echos of wet sounding splashes entered the blondes' ears, and Naruto stopped again, mouthing to Deidara,

"Someone's in the shower.."

As they continued on, their suspicions were only confirmed as they approached the door that led to the showers. Weird, faint high-pitched noises began emanating from the other side of the wall.

Deidara made a face at Naruto, not even knowing what to think, and picked up a nearby lacrosse stick, the younger following suit. 'Better safe than sorry', was the more orthodox expression, but Deidara always said, 'better to whoop first and ask questions later.'

Gently, gently, the opened the door, and Naruto held his breath as an eternity passed before there was enough space between the door and the frame for the two to creep inside.

Instantly, almost, the sound took shape, and they realized it was someone singing a ridiculously angsty song really, really badly.

"I swear that if I could, I'd take it all..."

Deidara mimed gagging, sticking out his tongue. Naruto wrinkled his nose and nodded in agreement, whoever this was, they were god awful.

"....Take it all away, all the sor-row and the pain!"

They crept closer and closer, noting the black jeans and studded belt lying discarded on the floor.

"I'm not responsible, you always say..."

Naruto stepped over a pair of pink and black skull pattered silk boxers, stifling laughter. Deidara motioned with his hand, and Naruto leaned in. Deidara breathed the obvious into his ear, "we got ourselves a little emo mofo...unn"

"..but you need your space, and this always ends the same."

Trying with all their might to resist the impending laughing fits, the two continued on- the glint of the light off of a pair of black horn-rimmed glasses sitting on a sink illuminating their evil smiles. Whoever was in the shower began belting in earnest, still totally unaware of the creepers closing in on his shower stall.

"HEEEEYYY! IS YOU HEART STILL BEEEEAATING, I CAN'T STOP THE BLEEDING, I'VE LO-AIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

A very unmanly scream ensued as with a flourish Deidara ripped the shower curtain off its rings. One very wet, very offended Uchiha Sasuke scrambled to wrap himself up in the curtain as it fell to the ground. The struggle had knocked his pink, flowery shower cap slightly askew, and this last little bit of hilariousness sent Naruto and Deidara spiraling into a mad fit of laughter.

Indignant, Sauske attempted his customary whatever hair flip, forgetting that he still had the cap on. This knocked the cap even more to one side, and caused Deidara and Naruto to fall to the damp, soapy floor.

"Oh, my GAWD, un. This is beyond priceless."

Naruto gasped trying to make up for the past thirty seconds during which he had been to busy laughing to inhale.

"Well," quipped Sasuke, mortally embarrassed, "if the two of you are finished having a good laugh at my expense, I'm leaving."

Like someone had flipped a light switch, Deidara and Naruto became all-business."Hold up, Uchiha, what's the big rush?"

Sasuke stumbled a bit as he attempted to pick up his boxers and stay covered up at the same time."No rush.." he said, uncertainly.

The blondes shared a crafty glance.

"Then why not stay and chat, un..." Deidara said, stepping over and wrapping his long fingers around Sasuke's bare shoulder.

The Uchiha in question flinched and violently jerked away.

"I-I-I have something important to do, I really need to be going, I have a dentists appointment so-"

An understanding smile curled itself around Deidara's lips. Sasuke had never seen anything more frightening in his entire life. Naruto stepped forward, forcing Sasuke between, himself, Deidara, and the wall.

"Your stuttering isn't helping your case, Uchiha," he hissed. "In fact, it's kind of given me and Dei the feeling that you might know something that could help us out."

Deidara pouted, sweetly simpering, "Secrets, secrets are no fun...."

And the two closed in further.

Meanwhile, Back in the Hallway-

... and Lee waggled his eyebrow suggestively.

Considering the mild to moderate degree of failure of plans, C, D, E, and F, he had figured he might as well try.

"...Hell no..." Sakon breathed, baking away.

Operation: P.B.J.T.F.T.O.V.E.V.B.S.T.

Plan G: Sexual Favors

Status: Uber Failure

In the Kitchen With Hidan and Suigetsu-

"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, EVERYBODY'S NERVES, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves-"

"If you sing it, I'll fuck you up," Hidan growled. "Bum, bum bum..."

Back to More Plot-Relevant Things Happening in the Locker Room-

"So what exactly is it that you know, Uchiha?" Deidara began, as Sasuke started sweating.

"Let me at least get dressed first, " the emo kid whined, but Naruto jammed the head of the lacrosse stick under his jaw.

"We'll debate that after you sing us a song, little bird."

"Actually, un, maybe he shouldn't," Deidara said, snickering.

Sasuke bravely kept his chin up. "Let me just start by saying that what you tried to do to Karin was totally justified."

"Yeah....we know..." Naruto said slowly, "But what's that got to do with anything?"

"Everything actually," Sasuke quipped, his dark stare boring into the blue eyes of his captors.

Deidara's mind was working furiously. This was important, he knew it. Whatever information was about to be forced out of Sasuke was the missing piece in the puzzle, the way to get out being pounded into the ground by Kankuro, and maybe even to find out who actually vandalized Bessie.

"Talk, dammit, un. You know more than I thought."

Sasuke sighed.

"Know that I'm doing this only because Karin is an obsessive bitch that never leaves me alone," he prefaced, " But more importantly, this whole thing with your car is even more of a mistake than you know. It wasn't Kankuro, like I know Naruto thought."

"We get that," Nartuo said, almost as frustrated as Deidara. "I heard him talking about someone but I guess it wasn't Deidara."

"Well I can't help you there," Sasuke admitted, "But I do know who vandalized your car. It was Karin's idea. She wanted to pay someone to vandalize my car, I have a white Subaru station wagon too. She thought that if my car got vandalized, and she knew who did it, I would be grateful enough to her for telling me that I would go out with her. So she payed Sakon and Ukon to do it, but they're not exactly the brightest so they hit the wrong car."

"So it was all a mistake," Naruto mused, scratching his golden hair in perplexity.

Sasuke just nodded. "Now can I get dressed?" The two partners in crime stepped back.

"Wait a sec...." Deidara said, "Sakon and Ukon?"

"Yeah," Sasuke said, struggling into his skinny jeans. "That's why they're in detention today. They're not happy about getting caught, and are just mean enough to take it out on the first person that bugs them."

The blondes looked at each other.

"Oh, shit, LEE!"

And with that, they sprinted out of the locker room to save their chowder-headed friend.

In the Hallway with Lee and the Twins-

Lee, in the midst of the awkwardness left behind by Plan G, was keeping relatively silent for once, minding his own business. The twins had slunk off somewhere, and Lee frankly doubted that they were coming back at all. He didn't mind though. He was content with the betterment he knew he would receive from completing the punishment. He had almost finished picking up this section of the hallway, when two blonde bats out of hell careened around the corner and all but trampled him as they violently picked him up, and he found himself to be hoisted away.

"What's going on, if I might be so bold to ask?" he politely inquired as he was swept off.

"We just found out something really juicy," Naruto divulged unhelpfully, "We're calling a secret meeting to plan our next course of action. Tonight, midnight, spread the word."

"Kay..." Lee agreed placidly, "But how am I supposed to do that if I'm being spirited away by you."By that time they had arrived at Bessie, and Deidara was in no mood for smart remarks.

"Just don't worry about it, Bitch. Get in the car and shut up!"

Boy, did that sound familiar.

And so the three sped off once again, leaving Itzumo to wonder what happened to his recycling squad, Sasuke, Sakon, and Ukon, to thank their lucky stars that their torturers had mysteriously vanished, and Hidan to be harassed by Suigetsu and 'The Song that Gets on Everybody's Nerves' well into the night.

TBC

Note: So in the interest of cranking these out quicker, and sparing you all form any more epic length Carpools chapters, I'm going to start making these shorter and less complicated. But don't worry, there will still be just as much crack.

Forever yours,

BISCUIT