I found this great list on the internet, '501 things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts' and I just had to write this...

Disclaimer: I don't own Middle-earth and its inhabitants... and everything else that seems familiar isn't mine either

If you have any ideas for additional points, just send me a message or put them in the reviews, I'll post them with the next update (with your name, of course)

Things I Am Not Allowed To Do In Middle-Earth

- I am not allowed to hide Frodo's ring

- I should not ask Gandalf to show me the Pointy Hat Trick

- I am not allowed to make jokes about height

- Or pointy ears

- Or beards

- Under no circumstances am I to make innuendos about 'swords' or any other jokes about weapons

- I am not allowed to ask Legolas where he gets his hair done

- Or his make up

- I will not call the Hobbits 'vertically challenged'

- When the Ring tempts Boromir, I will not ask him if it is 'that time of the month'

- The same goes for Frodo

- I will not use baby-language when talking with the Hobbits

- I am not allowed to try and get anyone drunk

- I will not ask Aragorn to re-enact 'that scene' from Indian Runner

- Nor will I ask Boromir to re-enact any scene from Lady Chatterley with me

- I will not ask Aragorn what kind of underwear he is wearing

- The same goes for Boromir

- Or everyone else, for that matter

- I may not refert to Shadowfax as 'horsie!'

- Nor may I compare him to 'My Little Pony'

- The same goes for the other horses, too

- I may may not call the Hobbits 'Shorty'

- The same goes for Gimli

- I will not sing 'Dude looks like a lady' whenever Legolas walks past me

- The same goes for Haldir, Elrond and Celeborn

- I will also not sing 'I just can't wait to be king' when Aragorn walks past me

- I will not quote Vetinari to Aragorn

- Especially not on the subject of kings

- I will not quote Vetinari, period

- I will not ask Boromir, if he had any dark, prophetic dreams

- I will not offer to do a tarot reading for Boromir

- Or reading his tea-leaves

- Or practise any other kind of divination

- For anyone

- I am not allowed to play with Gandalf's staff

- Or Aragorn's sword

- Or Boromir's horn

- Or any of the possessions of the other people

- It is not a good idea to introduce the Hobbits to fast food

- I should not joke about Legolas having a spot on his face

- Or a white hair

- Or a wrinkle

- Blowing Boromir's horn in the middle of the night and waking everyone up is only allowed when we're about to be attacked – not when I 'feel like it'

- I wil not creep up on Aragorn and yell 'Look out behind you!' into his ear

- I really should not ask 'Are we there yet?' every ten seconds

- I am not allowed to ask Gandalf why he doesn't wash his robes and have such a nice white colour like Saruman