Alrighty, on this random second of this random minute of this random day on this random week in this random month on this random year in this random decade in this random century and I'm going to stop now, I decided to randomly write a random Death Note fanfiction randomly! Hell yes…..

Okay, let me mention now, this is PARODY. This is RANDOM. This is STUPID. This is CRACK. This is REALLY BAD WRITING.

As the writer sat down at her brand new computer, she realized something. She had been using the same substitute for a line for two hours, nine minutes, and fifty-one seconds. She gasped and wasted the next four hours, twenty-three minutes, and thirty-six seconds thinking up a new one. This is what she came up with:

PO.OP

The girl giggled at her genius and continued on.

PO.OP

Mello grinned in a terrible, horrible manner. His grin was so awful, dreadful, appalling or so very bad, that the writer just knew to get more marriage proposals through reviews from random people she had never met she just had to list more synonyms of simply put, 'kind of suckish.' Because everyone knows that to sound smart, you cheat and use a thesaurus so that it sounds like you know really big, huge, enormous, large, spacious, tall, wide, bulky, extensive words so that they review and give you cookies when really, what you're saying makes no sense whatsoever and you are really a waste of atoms that could have been put to perfectly better use as a glass of lemonade for me and this is a run on sentence and I should really stop it.

Anyway, the writer had long since forgotten what she was talking about and had now gone on to something else completely different.

PO.OP

Mello was incredibly bored. And we all now understand that he was incredibly bored but of course you all need to know just how bored Mello was. Mello was so bored he was dropped over a chair in sheer bordomness. Why the writer cannot go on with the story and must now describe the weather I have no idea. But it was a rainy day, which meant no soccer, football (of course, it is forgotten that Wammy's House is in England and the word soccer is used in America and they don't have what we call football), dodge ball, lacrosse, baseball, rugby, badminton, basketball, ultimate Frisbee, hang gliding, handball, snowboarding, tennis, or even camel racing. The writer goes on to name every sport known to mankind.

Anyway, because Mello was so bored and have finally finished his last, and ninety-seventh chocolate bar, he decided to go annoy Near. Of course, all Mello does in his free time is annoy Near. Wasn't it said that Mello was always working to surpass Near? Yes, but who needs the original story anyway?

Mello stomped over to the boy whose entire bangable image was white. Oh, the whiteness about him! Everything was white around him! White skin, white hair, white shirt, white pants, white socks, and nobody can agree on his eye color so let's leave that out of this. Mello gazed at Near's incredibly white, sexy ass. He had never noticed Near's incredibly white sexy ass before. Oh, the pure whiteness about it! Mello suddenly realized that Near was sitting down in a way where you could not see his ass. Oh well, he remembered it from when Near was walking in front of him on their way to classes. Oh the white-sexiness of it all! The writer completely forgot the original reason Mello went over there in the first place!

Mello suddenly decided that he very much loved Near and cried out, "Oh, Near! Where have you been all my life? How I love you so! I have always hated you but I have suddenly decided that I love you! How I trust you so! My name is Mihael Keehl!"

Near blushed at Mello's charming speech. His blush was just like white sheets with a girl's menstrual flow all over them. Ew.

"Oh, Mello!" Near gasped. "I love you too! My name is Nate River!"

And they went off to have hot-shirtless sex in a conveniently placed back room even though at the time Mello was seven and Near was five. They're geniuses so they know how to do it. (1)

PO.OP

Meanwhile, while that was all going on, Matt was playing a video game with a dude named Sasuke. Why the author decided to include this dude whose hair looked like he stole it from a ducks butt, we will never know. He's just there. The author was also stupid enough to explain the video game, which was about a certain stupid village where stupid things take place and the main character is a stupid blonde who you really want to shoot half the stupid time. But we all continue to watch/read this incredibly stupid anime/manga (even through the dreaded fillers) because we're all stupidly addicted to it and need to get lives. By this time the people who are smart enough not to watch this loser-of-an-anime Naruto have decided that if they ever see the writer of this stupid thing they will get Himura Kenshin to turn his sakabatou around and totally K.O. the writer to hell.

Anyway, Matt beat Sasuke at the video game because he can never lose and Sasuke went back to his own world where he was very emo and got raped by his older brother. (2)

PO.OP

Back with Near and Mello.

Mello didn't know what to do! He was so caught! He loved Near so much! But becoming L was so important…. Then, Mello realized! He and Near could work together! Matt was completely forgotten and Mello and Near became L together even though a the time he wasn't even dead yet.

The writer then realized that to get people to save her terribly written fanfiction that she needed to use the idea of a cliffhanger.

And as Near and Mello giggled next to the wall Raito Yagami (which, spelt backwards is "Imagay") walked past them.

PO.OP

Chapter 1- End

……Okay, let me explain. I'm trying to get the point across that, though yaoi is great, sometimes what people write makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. Come on people, if Near and Mello are going to fall for each other then please explain how. And why do people always have them have sex when they're both not even ten. I don't understand!!!! (cries)

I am continuously amazed at how many people put characters from other animes than the one they are writing about in their stories. I mean, come on people! Yeah, putting Sasuke in a situation like that wouldn't matter but the reader just feels left out of the joke if they don't know the anime. And if you're all 'You insulted Naruto! I love that show!' right now then guess what? I love it too. Sometimes you really want to shoot yourself in the head with the thing though…….

Yeah, yeah, back off lawyers. I don't own your precious stuff. Oh yeah, and I got the title of this from the time I finished typing it up. Reviews make update.