Scent of Sorrow

Scent of Sorrow

Chapter 5

D.

G

R

A

Yearning

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M

A

N

Yearning- (n.) deep longing

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Thinking it wasn't faith

I said it wasn't

Believing it wasn't love

I said it wasn't

But I know now

this is the end of faith

and end of love

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

People walk in and out of your life… and this case was no different. In the Black Order those around you are constantly changing… It was only natural. They weren't their for the sake of their own happiness but for sake of their goal. And as the fall arrived, just as the trees were saying farewell to their leaves, came the time for another departure.

"General Tiedoll, please be careful."

"Don't worry, it won't be long till I come back to this place."

Komui bowed a little and the General stepped into the boat. The child climbed in afterwards but kept looking back.

"Let's head out then…"

The boat started to move with the current, heading out threw the dark tunnel.

"HEY!"

The child looked back, as if expecting…

Next to the supervisor was a child with messy red hair. He seemed to have ran all the way as his face was covered in sweat and his breathing was harsh, "HEY! You better come back soon!"

The other… just smiled.

He opened his eyes slowly… almost lazily. "Another one…" he said to himself.

"I don't know… why am I having all these dreams anyways? They can't actually be real… I mean I never remember anything about them." He picked up the glass of water and drained it.

Sol just watched him… This whole situation was very odd. Kanda, even though he had changed so much, she could be sure that he was the same kid Lavi was close to years back. It didn't really make sense that he would have just forgotten everything… but then again, he was speaking as if the kid from his childhood and Kanda were two different people.

"Lavi, Sol!"

They both turned and saw Linali coming their way.

"Linali."

"We all have to report to the supervisor's office right away!"

cold… it felt cold…

The rain already soaked his shirt and hair but he still stood there.

Where to now? What was he supposed to do?

Of course Kanda already knew the answer… He knew it almost for a year.

"Allen, he stood up for you…"

"Why… are you telling me this?"

"… Maybe… because I still believe that you will only look at me with that expression."

Tiki sighed, "Was it really that necessary?"

Sherrill smirked as he took a sip of the wine, "Well… if he was alive, he would have become a bother. Remember, dear brother, we all have our orders."

Tiki glared at him, "Like I didn't know…"

"Then what are you exactly upset about?"

"Personally I think we should have killed Cross first." Lulubell said as she crossed her arms, "At least that way we would have had less trouble killing the others."

"I would hate to admit this but Cross is the strongest out of all the Generals," muttered Debitto.

Lulubell turned to Sherrill, "Now they are going to have their guards up…"

Sherrill sighed and put down his glass, "I don't give the orders, Lulu… go talk to Earl-sama if you have any compliant."

Tiki got up from his arm chair and walked over to the window starring out, "Maybe I can use this…" he said quietly.

Sherrill looked at him, "hm? What are you exactly planning?"

Tiki didn't turn around just smirked at he looked out the window, "Have you ever wondered what happened to that kid the Order took from Earl's grasp all those years back?"

"I thought that the Order killed him..."

The other Noah smiled.

"General Tiedoll… is dead?" Allen had a hard time finding the words. How could this have happened? Why now? The order was already in trouble as it is… they can't afford to lose an exorcist much less a general.

Komui looked troubled as well. He knew well what this all meant… the Noahs are starting to move again. This could only lead to more deaths if they are not careful. "The general's body was found early this morning and was identified. There is no mistake… it was the work of a Noah."

Linali was sobbing and Miranda was trying her best to comfort her. They all knew Linali couldn't take it when someone she knew lost their life… but they can't blame her…

There was new aura around them… sadness, troubles, fear… They were all lost in their own thoughts that they didn't even notice someone else had just joined them… until…

cling!

Kanda Yuu never dropped his sword… foolish mistake as that was simply out of the question… but…

The sword hit the hard floor… the sound echoed around the large room. They all turned around to see mugen on the floor and the owner standing still next to it.

"Kanda…" whispered Linali…

"What did you just say? … I think I was mistaken…" Kanda's voice was shaking, "can you repeat… what you said…?"

His voice was neither cold nor harsh as it usually was but this was worse… none of them knew how to react to Kanda when he was like this…

Komui looked away. He couldn't say it… he knew that the person who would be affected by this more then Linali was Kanda…

The long haired exorcist dashed toward Komui, stopping right in front of his desk. He slammed both his hands on the hard wood making the over-stacked paper works to scatter. "Don't mess with me Komui! Tell me the truth there is no way he can be dead! That old man can't be fuckin dead!" He was yelling… yelling at the top of his voice. "He told you to do this didn't he? He told you to do this to mess with my head? ANSWER ME!"

Allen made a move towards the distressed exorcist but was immediately stopped.

"Let him be, Allen…" Lavi whispered.

Allen turned to him about to argue but… he realized the young bookman wasn't even looking at him…

"Komui! LOOK AT ME! I'M FUCKING TALKING TO YOU! Answer me, he can't be dead!" Kanda waved his hand and hit the lamp that was at the edge of the desk. It fell to the floor and with a loud noise it shattered. "Dammit, tell me that you were lying! He can't be dead! He just can't be!" He grabbed Komui's favorite cup and threw it across the room. "WHY AREN'T YOU SAYING ANYTHING, YOU IDIOT?"

Komui just sat there, calmly watching as teen before him went on destroying what ever he could that was near him.

Kanda threw his fist onto the desk and in the process smashed the picture frame… The glass shattered and his hand was bleeding from the cut. However he didn't care. He didn't care about the way he was acting or even the fact everyone in the room was watching him… he just wanted to yell…

"DAMMIT WHY ARE YOU SAYING HE'S DEAD? HE'S NOT DEAD! HE'S SUPPOSE TO COME BACK! HE'S SUPPOSE TO COME BACK AND ANNOY ME WITH HIS STUPID NONSENSE! Telling me I need to change my attitude! Telling me that I should just get used to him because he'll always be there…" His voiced trailed off as he fell to his knees. His usual cold eyes were now filled with tears… there was no use trying to hold them back.

Allen was stunned. He never in his life thought that he would see Kanda breaking down like this. This new side of Kanda Yuu caught him off guard but it seemed like it wasn't just him. Everyone in the room from Linali to Suman looked more shocked then sad now… everyone except…

Lavi walked calmly over to the exorcist on the floor, knelt down next to him, and silently wrapped a handkerchief around the other's bleeding hand. He held it there… he knew that Kanda was in no state to worry about his hand…

"He wasn't supposed to die…" Kanda said softly, "He wasn't supposed to leave me here like this, Lavi… He said he wouldn't leave me like my parents… Why is it… that everyone is leaving me?"

Lavi took off his jacket and placed it over Kanda, than he wrapped his arms around him, embracing him… "It's ok Yuu, you can cry if you want…"

Ok stop right here!

Well I did a cosplay of Kanda for Anime Expo this year and posted the photos on my deviant art account! please look at it when you were done with the fanfic... (look at the bottom for the link)

... on with the story...

Allen walked down the hallway still thinking about what just happened. Linali was walking right behind him along with Miranda and Suman. She calmed down now and her tears were dry, even though her eyes were still slightly red. Miranda seemed to be more nervous because of the recent news and Suman… he seemed to be in lost in his own thoughts.

"I guess I will be checking up on Sol and Gwen… see how they're doing…" said Suman.

"I'll come with you," Miranda quickly said.

Suman gave a quick nod and both headed towards the medical room.

There was a silence where Allen stood there looking at a distant.

Linali walked closer, "Allen…?"

He snapped back to reality, "Did you say something Linali?"

Linali's expression softened, "Are you ok? What are you thinking about?"

Allen began to walk again and Linali followed.

"You know… Lavi… he knows Kanda better then anyone else…"

"They have been close for a long time…"

"No not just that," he said quickly, "When Kanda broke down back there I didn't know what to do… we all didn't know what to do. But Lavi… he did. He knew when just to leave him alone and when exactly to interfere. Also… the way he put the jacket over Kanda…"

"hm?" Linali looked at him, "What do you mean?"

Allen looked back at him, "I didn't understand at first as well but he did it because he knew exactly how Kanda is. Kanda… hates being around a large crowd of people… he hates showing people how he is and defiantly hates showing emotions. Lavi was protecting Kanda's pride… by putting his jacket over him, we wouldn't see him at his weakest state… and not only that Lavi embraced him so Kanda won't even have to worry about he himself seeing him."

"Allen," Linali began but she was cut off by other voices. She automatically grabbed him towards the wall next to the door where undoubtedly the voices of the General's could be heard. The door was slightly opened and Allen recognized one of the voices as his own General…

Lavi walked down the empty hallway… hearing the echoes of his own footsteps. He left Kanda alone in his room for now… it was for the best. There are people who want someone to be next to them when they're going through a hard time but Kanda was not one of them.

"Lavi!"

The bookman apprentice turned around. "Suman," he said acknowledging the other exorcist.

"Lavi… how's Kanda?" asked Sol. She wasn't there when they revealed the fact that General Tiedoll was dead but she heard it from Suman.

The red haired exorcist smiled, "He should be fine… He's not the type to let anything bring him down for long."

"But this is the second time… to him it might be like losing his parents again."

Lavi looked at her, "Wait, Sol, how do you know about this? Yuu-chan never speaks of his parents."

Sol looked up at Lavi trying to figure out what to say.

"Lavi, do you really not remember?" asked Suman.

Lavi turned his attention to him, "Seriously Suman you are starting to creep me out… you been saying things like this for days."

"Lavi," began Sol, "Kanda… he…"

"Sol?" called a voice.

They all looked to see Gwen walking towards their direction.

"Gwen, you shouldn't even be out of bed!"

"I'm fine, I'm fine…"

"You shouldn't push yourself," said Lavi, "seriously let's get you back to bead…"

They helped her walk back to the medical room. They knew she is a lot better now but still they were worried. They couldn't afford anymore risk at this point and every exorcist needed to be back on duty as soon as possible.

"Thank you," said Gwen as she laid back on her bed, "But seriously I feel a lot better now."

"Right now, it's even dangerous for an exorcist to be sick… you need to recover completely as soon as possible."

"Yes, yes I heard about the General." She turned towards Lavi, "I heard about what happened in Komui's office. Kanda… was it? He should be happy to have someone like you as a friend."

"No not really," Lavi said laughing nervously.

Gwen smiled, "You know, now I think about it you really are the protective type… I remember you punching Suman when we were younger because he made fun of your friend."

"Is rest of your family still in Japan?"

"…"

"…What are they like? You're mother must be really pretty…"

"I never met my birthmother…"

Lavi looked from Gwen to Suman, "Why don't I remember that?"

"eh? What do you mean ? Did something happen to her?"

"They wouldn't tell me…"

Gwen was taken aback, "Really?... no I could have sworn it was you, Lavi. Remember, there was this new kid at the order? You two were always with each other? He was a little anti-social and many people had doubts in him because of his background."

"… my 'mother'… the woman who raised me was a lady of a high class. She had everything every woman would have wanted… money, intelligence, power, beauty… even all the nobles respected her even though she was a woman. Every man of high status wanted to marry her but she fell in love with my father.

My father was someone of a low class… he had a simple life and he never really cared much for money. He already had another woman though… my real mother. They couldn't get married because of the money but they were happy just by being with each other. But she was reluctant to let him go and in the end she forced him to marry her. She also realized soon after that my birth mother was pregnant with my father's child… and when I was born she decided to take me in so my father won't have any connection with my mother anymore.

She pretended that I was her child and everyone believed her but of course it was a given that she never really liked me. I remember the day when her own son was born, she named him Ichirou, a name usually given to first son… After that… I hated my own name."

"Well it was a given fact that Tiedoll's death has caught all of us by surprise…" General Cloud crossed her arms and leaned back on her chair.

"In truth I really didn't expect Tiedoll to go down like this… His innocent was pretty powerful even though he had too much of a soft heart…" General Sokaro looked at Cross who was sitting the opposite of him, "actually wouldn't it have been a better idea for them to kill you off first?"

Cross just sat there smoking his cigarette… He was thinking. His predictions about the Noah's movements were completely wrong but how could he have been? "Something is off… why would they kill Tiedoll first when he wasn't much of a treat to them? How could Suman, Sol, and Gwen still alive?" no… they're changing their plan…

Cloud turned her attention to him, "Well we shouldn't think too much of their survival though… it doesn't seem like they had other alternative motives… they just made a mistake."

There was silence as three were lost in their own thoughts…

"…so," Cloud looked from Cross to Sokaro, "What about that kid?"

"hm? You mean Tiedoll's apprentice?"

Gwen's words were still haunting him as he walked.

"Lavi, you said… that… you loved him… You promised him that you will always wait for him."

He didn't have any recollection of it and all those flashbacks just seemed like they were someone else's memories. … but at the same time something told him that it was the truth.

'I was young,' he thought, 'When you're young you don't really understand what you're saying half the time… it isn't like I was seriously in love with that kid…'

but still it bothered him… after all he still couldn't remember what that other kid looked like or even his name…

Lavi kept on walking muttering to himself until… Linali? Allen?

He saw the two other exorcist flat against the double doors… probably listening into the conversation that someone was having at the opposite side. 'What's going on?' he thought as he started to walk closer.

The room was empty except for a bed and a desk at the corner. The walls were plain and the only window was tightly covered with dark curtains. It was hard for anyone to think that someone might actually use this room… after all who would actually want their room to be so gloomy?

Kanda sat on the bed silently… He didn't exactly know what to do… what was he suppose to do?

"Well, well, I never expected you to react like this…"

That smooth voice… he knew who it was…

"hm? I thought you would hold up your sword at my throat by now…" Tiki chuckled as he took a step forward, "or have you finally realized that it is no use…"

Kanda still sat there looking down at the floor… He haven't moved… there was no need to, "Why are you here? How did you even managed to show your face in the Black Order?"

The Noah smirked and raised his right hand to his eye level… on his finger was a large butterfly, "I have my ways…"

He looked up at him… his eyes filled with pure hatred…

"Kanda Yuu… His name…"

Sokaro smirked, "So Cross, you are actually taking interest in that kid… you were the one who said he was unfit to become an exorcist few years back."

Cross sighed, "That goes the same for you… he… changed… and seriously who would have thought that Tiedoll's apprentice would have became like this?"

"That kid," started Cloud, "He was the one..."

"That killed his own parents," interrupted Sokaro, "or so I was told… No one actually knows what happened that night. Someone should keep an eye on him though, I heard that he collided with one of the Noahs twice already... also his curse…"

"I will take him as my apprentice," said Cross calmly.

Sokaro quickly turned to him, "Wait who gave you the right to decide that? Besides all you would do is run off again."

"Well if he's with you, him and your other apprentice won't get along well at all."

"Stop it! Both of you," She slammed her hands on the table, "Kanda, you say, well the way he was acting you can obviously tell that he isn't too fond of you Cross…"

"He basically doesn't really like anyone…"

"Seriously Cross you are strong but with apprentice… you are a little…"

"unreasonable," said Cloud before the other can finish.

Sokaro smirked slightly, "look at what you did to your other apprentice, you basically just dumped him in the Black Order and disappeared."

Cross looked at him with a bored expression, "I don't see what the problem with that is. Allen became stronger then any of your students."

"I haven't killed your General if that is what you're thinking," he said calmly.

Kanda still glared at him his sword only inches away from the Noah's neck. However the other was still smirking… he wasn't nervous or even taking the situation seriously… but of course that made Kanda more pissed off then he already was. "Why are you here?" he growled.

"If you sit around and continue to sulk the Earl is seriously going to pay you a visit."

"And why would you care. Wouldn't you rather have me turn into an Akuma? That way one exorcist would be out of your way."

Tiki smiled, "No no no my dear exorcist, that would only ruin my fun."

He gritted his teeth… he was going to teach this son of a bitch a lesson he won't soon forget.

"Do you want really want to know why your General died first?"

There was a silence… then…

"What are you talking about?"

Tiki slowly pushed away the sword that was threatening him and walked over to the window.

"Answer me," demanded the cold voice behind him.

The Noah waited a few minutes before answering, "The mission he was sent wasn't actually for him in the beginning. Few days back Earl-sama received information that it was actually Cross who would be taking on the mission. Of course one of the Noahs was to go kill him… but as later on we found out it ended up being your General instead."

"Why…"

"Because Cross asked him to take on the mission instead of him… He apparently made an excuse saying he was busy but maybe it was because he didn't want to die himself…"

Kanda threw his sword at Tiki but the Noah avoided it easily. "I don't exactly like Cross myself but he isn't a coward. There is no way that could be true…"

"What if I tell you you were involved in this?"

The exorcist glared at him, "What are you talking about?"

"General Tiedoll was notified yesterday night… do you know what else happened that night?" He smirked as he walked closer to the other man. He stopped only a foot away from the Japanese exorcist and lightly brushed away the strands of hair that was covering his face, "Cross saw how you really became… He expected you to become like Tiedoll or not even make it as an exorcist but that time you proved him wrong. You became cold and distant and seemingly to have worked well in partnering up with Allen during missions… He was searching for another apprentice and this way… everything worked out according to his plan…"

"You… you can't be serious."

Tiki smirked, "Do you really expect everyone at the Order to be trustworthy just because they were chosen by the innocence? … This is how human truly is… blinded by greed and selfishness."

"I told you this before Yuu, he is in love with you and you are giving him mixed messages. You know you won't be able to love him but he is taking your newly friendship as a sense of hope. Sooner he realizes that you can't even return his feelings the better."

"tsk tsk… Why don't you come with me… path of a Noah can be more righteous then the path of an exorcist…"

"SHUT UP! There is no fuckin way that I would believe something that comes out of a Noah's mouth."

"Oh really now? What if you just might be one of us…hm?"

His eyes narrowed, "What are you talking about?"

The double doors were thrown open and with a surprise Allen and Linali fell forward into the room. They looked up to see the person who opened it, "L-Lavi?"

Linali slowly got up… what was scaring her more then being caught listening to the General's conversation was the expression on the other's face, "Lavi, are you… alright?"

No… he was defiantly not alright… For the first time Lavi's eyes looked cold… almost like the time that Road possessed him.

He wasn't even looking at the girl… actually his only attention was on the Generals, "Shut up," he said sharply, "Shut the hell up."

Allen and Linali's eyes went wide and they strongly had the urge to run out of the room.

General Sokaro got up from his seat, "You brat, you dare to say such thing-"

"What the fuck are you all doing," he wasn't shouting but his voice still sounded harsh, "Yuu is grieving from the death of his General and you are just planning on with the replacements? I heard what you all thought of Yuu before; it's not hard to guess… you all had doubts in him and even discouraged him… and now you think you can just change your minds and pretend everything's alright? If any of you have some decency you would have at least apologized! There is no way Yuu would ever accept any of you as his general… Tiedoll... General Tiedoll was the only one with the rights to call Yuu his apprentice!"

Allen stared at the scene in front of him, eyes wide, "L-Lavi…"

Kanda walked up the long flights of stairs which led to the north tower. He wanted to get away from everyone…

"So what is stopping you now, from leaving this place?"

"…"

"So… the reason you want to leave and the reason you want to stay leads to the same person huh? What is the point he doesn't remember you…"

"You seemed to know a lot of things… has the Earl been keeping up with my every move?"

"Well at some points he really thought the Order had killed you…"

He didn't know what do think… Why was everything falling apart now? Everything he knew and everything he believed in… it could all just been a lie…

"you… you know the reason… why he forgot…"

"No… not forgot… more like loss of memories… but I wonder would you still love me if you knew the reason…"

Why hasn't he noticed? Was he really this stupid?

"I can't believe this," he said quietly to himself… no… it wasn't because he hasn't noticed… it was because he didn't want to believe it… The world of lies that the Black Order created for him… he actually wanted it to be true… that's why he wanted to believe what was the truth to be lies…

"I can become everybody

like the truth becomes a lie"

'Yuu… where is he?'

He was running… faster… faster…

"Lavi! Why are you running?" asked Miranda who he just past.

He stopped and looked back, "Miranda! Do you know where Yuu is?"

"Kanda-kun? He was heading towards the north tower few minutes ago… but Lavi what's going on?"

"Thanks Miranda!" That was all he said before he started running again…

'Yuu… I'm supposed to be a bookman… I'm not suppose to have any emotions… to be objective and unbias… that was my job…'

He kept running not caring who he was running into.

'I… I can't use that as an excuse anymore. The fact I was to become the next bookman was blinding me from seeing other things… I always believed that this was all going to end… sooner or later I would give up the name 'Lavi' and all other memories or feelings that comes along with that name…'

He was running up the stairs taking two or three at a time…

'I finally realized something, Yuu… the reason I was able to know you better then anyone else… it wasn't because I had to because I was the bookman's apprentice… it was because I wanted to. Without noticing I became the person I really am by being around you… In the end 'Lavi' wasn't really my alias anymore, he became the true me…'

He stopped as he reached the end of the stairs…

'You know what else, Yuu? I … can't be the bookman anymore… I can't pretend anymore..."

"Lavi…"

He walked closer to him, "Yuu…"

"What… are you doing here, Lavi," the other said coldly.

"I… I was looking for you," He smiled.

Kanda turned towards him, "Why?"

"I wanted to see if you were okay…"

"I'm fine…"

There was silence between the two and Kanda went back to staring out at the sky. Lavi walked over and leaned on the wall close to him.

"Yuu…"

"hm?"

"I been having weird dreams for quiet some time now… It seems like memories that I forgot… and there is this one person that is always in all the dreams…"

Kanda didn't look at him but he was still listening.

"It seems that the person was special to me… but I can't keep the promise I made to him… so I'm going to let it all go… all the memories I have of him… I just hope that they would do the same…"

Kanda closed his eyes, 'So this is what it leads to…'

"… because I think that is all in the past… everyone has a point where they have to move on right? … and I…" He turned to look at the other that was next to him, "I think I have my eyes on someone else now…"

'You have a creative way of telling someone to forget you, Lavi… So… even though you remember everything now… you still…'

'I can't remember who the person was in my past… it seems that some way I have forgotten them… but Yuu, right now only person I want to focus on… is you…'

Allen walked back and forth in front of Kanda's door... Where was he at this hour? He was a real mess the last time he saw him… he wouldn't have went to train would he?

"Bean sprout," said a sharp voice behind him.

He turned around quickly to see the other exorcist walking towards him, "KANDA! Where were you? I been waiting for you, you idiot! For at least an hour! I-"

Suddenly Kanda grabbed his wrist and pulled him into an embrace. Allen was startled and at first tried to push the other teen away but…

"Kanda…? Are… you okay?" He could feel it… something was defiantly wrong…

"If I told you… I can forget about Lavi… and all my feelings for him… knowing I once loved him… would you be able to stay at my side?"

(to be continued!)

ok I know that was long but hope you liked it. By the way I went to Anime Expo this year and there for I did a cosplay of Kanda Yuu … this is the link to my deviant account where there should be a photo of my cosplay (of course don't put the space)

phelios123 . deviantart . com/art/Cosplay-Yuu-Kanda-93432367

look at the artist comment and there should be a link to the rest of them!! PLEASE COMMENT!

AND DON"T FORGET TO REVIEW!!