Disclaimer: Blah blah blah, all owned by Squenix, blah blah blah, I own nothing, blah blah blah, you know the drill…


Idiot's Guide to Surviving Your Office Building

Rule No. 3: When The Bosses Talk About Improving Productivity, They're Never Talking About Themselves

The morning after the lion incident was surprisingly calm. The employees returned to find the lobby cleaned up and all the floors left spotless, almost like there had never been a small, panicked mob running through its halls at all. And there was certainly no evidence of any lions. It should also be said that, after Xemnas gave the entire building a long, threatening lecture over the speakers about ordering animals and breaking out into riots and how the combination is just not a good thing, that everyone was in an unspoken agreement to make the day a very quiet, peaceful day. Xemnas was in a fouler mood than normal, after all, having just lost both his prized heating pad and his precious coffee in one day to that foul pregnant bitch, and there wasn't a single employee who fancied losing their job.

So when the employees of the fifth floor were called into a meeting, everyone was trying their hardest to be on their best behavior, and not give their fearless and slightly psychotic leader a hard time.

"…and that is all I'm going to say on that subject," Xemnas concluded, having just finished a rather longwinded speech about the penalties of throwing pens up into the ceiling and making them stick (the more creative employees who did this managed to create several inappropriate images, which brought on the whole lecture to begin with). "And now, moving on to the next topic--it has been brought to my attention that some people--and I won't mention any names--" He gave Reno a very nasty look, "--have been bringing up the topic of masturbation an unacceptable number of times this month. I will not allow this to continue. Talk of masturbation, especially when it is directed in a sexual way to people who are uncomfortable with the subject, is considered sexual harassment. And I'm sure you all know that Xenahort and Wise Corporations takes it's sexual harassment policy very seriously. I want this talk of masturbation to stop. Today.

"…However, if you really must talk about it, for one reason or another, at least do your fellow employees the common courtesy of using clever euphemisms to disguise the subject. For example, instead of using the term 'jerking off,' which seems to be a particular favorite around here, you might instead use 'choking the chicken.' Or maybe 'yanking the crank.' You could also use 'slapping the salami,' or 'spanking the monkey…'"

Cloud turned to Leon and gave his friend a look that clearly stated, 'I cannot believe he actually suggested that we use the term "slapping the salami" for when we talk about masturbation.'

Leon looked back at Cloud and stated with his eyes, 'I can't believe you're surprised that he suggests we use that term.'

Xemnas was still coming up with euphemisms. "'…jerking the gherkin, bouncing the bunny, whacking the weasel, clubbing the clam--'"

"You could also say that you have to 'tickle your pickle!'" Yuffie interrupted excitedly, bouncing in her seat. "Or that you have to 'buff your bishop!'"

Xemans frowned, annoyed at being interrupted. "Well, yes you could--"

"'Glazing the donut,'" Tifa suggested suddenly, apparently interested in where this conversation had gone. "'Honing the cone.'"

"'Firming your worm,'" Zell added, and everyone was slightly surprised to see that he was awake, since he usually fell asleep during meetings.

"'Flogging the frog,'" Xaldin said.

"'Greasing the monkey,'" Cloud found himself saying, and blushing immediately afterwards.

"'Ringing the rag,'" added Xigbar.

"'Jackin' the Beanstalk,'" Irvine said suddenly, earning a few good laughs. Xemnas frowned disapprovingly, displeased that he had been upstaged by his employees.

Reno suddenly raised his hand. "Hey, 'scuse me, Xemnas? Sorry to interrupt your sermon, but are you almost done?"

Xemnas shot the redhead another nasty look. "Got something better to do, Reno?"

Reno nodded gravely. "Yeah. It's an emergency."

"And what sort of emergency is it, pray tell?"

"I have to go 'spank my monkey.'"

Everyone groaned as Xemnas slammed his hands on the desk and screamed, "Dammit, Reno!"

Reno threw up his hands in the air, his face a perfect mask of defiant innocence. "So sorry! I have to! If I go for too long without giving it a little action, it'll start shriveling up! And it's been--" he checked his watch "--almost two hours since I last 'tickled my pickle!'"

Xemnas shook his head and covered his eyes, and let out a strange moaning sound. Everyone watched him anxiously, all except for Reno, who was squirming anxiously in his seat.

"Aw, c'mon Xemmy, go let Reno 'bounce his bunny,'" Yuffie said finally, tired of watching Reno squirm. "He looks like he's about to burst in his pants."

"Oh, ew," Tifa groaned, and covered her eyes. "That was an image I so did not need to see…"

Xemnas threw his hands up into the air. "Fine!" he shouted. "Fine! Go! Get out! Go 'yank your cranks' or 'flog your frogs' or whatever you want to call it! I don't care! You're all getting a pay cut! I hope you all chafe!" With that final outburst, he stormed out the door, slamming the door shut behind him.

Yuffie made a disapproving noise. "Geeze. What a baby. Maybe he needs to give his 'salami' a good 'slapping' for a bit, get rid of some of that tension."

"Or maybe Saix needs to stop playing hard-to-get and just throw down already," Leon sighed.

Reno was still squirming. "So is this meeting over or what?"

Tifa rolled her eyes. "Yes, Reno, it's over. Go give your 'crank' a 'yank' or two."

Reno let out a joyful whoop and promptly sprinted out of the room, no doubt headed towards the bathroom.

Vincent, resident creepy man and rumored vampire, had been sitting quietly in the darkest corner in the room during the meeting like he always did, suddenly felt the need to raise his hand and say coolly, "Can we please stop using these euphemisms now? They're becoming quite annoying."

"But Xemmy told us to use 'em, Vinny!" Yuffie protested. "'Sides, they're funny."

"They are annoying though," Cloud said, frowning. "Vincent's right. Let's just go back to the old way."

"Did anyone really care before about how people talked about masturbation?" Luxord suddenly wondered out loud. "I mean, I never heard any complaints…"

"Neither did I," Marluxia said thoughtfully, "and I hear a great deal about the subject everyday--my cubicle's beside Reno's, after all."

"I think the only person who has a problem with it is Saix, and that's just 'cause he's a prude," Yuffie said, nodding to herself. "I think he's nervous because Xemnas is hitting that he wants to start banging him, so he's taking it out on the rest of us."

"Taking it out on Reno," Leon corrected.

"Reno, right."

Cloud sighed and stood. "Okay, that's it. I've heard enough about masturbation for the day. I'm going back to my desk."

Everyone agreed with him, and one by one they all walked out of the room.


It was widely believed that the Xenahort and Wise Corporations office building housed all the nutcases in Hollow Bastion, and this was probably true. Not all these nutcases were actual employees, however--some just had no where else to be.

The masturbation talk had put Xemnas in a very foul mood, and as he waited impatiently for the elevator to reach the fifth floor, his mood only continued to grow worse as he remembered who he was about to encounter. "It would figure that the right elevator would be broken today," he muttered to himself as the elevator 'dinged' softly. "I hate taking the left elevator… thank God it was broken yesterday at least--"

At that moment, the elevator doors opened with another 'ding,' and Xemnas sighed and peered into the elevator with a hard glint in his eyes. Then he growled. "Demyx. Would you care to explain how the hell you got this desk into the elevator?"

A young man with blonde hair, usually styled into a faux-hawk but now styled into some horrible fifties housewife hair cut, stopped typing on his type writer and peered up at Xemnas from behind his cat's-eye glasses. "Good afternoon, welcome to Xenahort and Wise Corporation's Elevator One," he said, his voice a bored drawl. "Do you have an appointment?"

Xemnas's eye twitched. "Demyx… several things. First off, why the hell are you wearing that awful peacock-print dress? Second, why are you pretending to be a secretary in the elevator? I have a secretary! And she doesn't even have to be in the elevator to do it, she has her own office! And third, why would I need an appointment? I'm the boss!"

Demyx sniffed and fidgeted with the fake pearls around his neck, indignant. "Well, excuse me, sir. I was just trying to do my job. No need to get snotty."

"You don't even work here."

Demyx didn't seem to hear this. "What floor, if you please?"

Xemnas sighed and rubbed his temples. "Ten, please."

Demyx nodded, then promptly went back to typing. Xemnas waited. Demyx continued to type. The CEO felt his eye begin to twitch again. Demyx continued typing.

"Well?!" Xemnas finally shouted, his anger spiking once more.

Demyx glanced up at him calmly. "Well what?"

"Are you going to press the floor button or what?!"

Demyx looked at him like he'd just grown a second head. "Are you crazy? I just finished my nails! See?" He showed Xemnas his freshly manicured nails. "You are on crack if you think I am going to ruin them by pressing any buttons. You have ten perfectly good fingers--push the button your own self."

Xemnas snarled. "You don't even work here. I could get you arrested for loitering. You show up everyday and hang out in the elevators with your crazy antics--didn't you claim that you were an astronaut yesterday? Where the hell did you get the astronaut suit, anyway? You stole it from the museum, didn't you?! I could have you arrested!"

Demyx scowled at Xemnas, tapped his nails sharply against the desk surface. "Please lower your voice, sir. There is absolutely no need for you to raise your voice at me. Now, if you could please act like a gentleman, it would be greatly appreciated. I would hate to have to call security on you."

Xemnas gaped at the boy. "Call security on me? I own this building! I'm the boss! I--!"

"Sir, please. You're behaving most unseemly! Just press your floor button and be on your way! I do not want to have to throw you out!"

Xemnas was speechless for a bit, staring at this insane boy sitting behind the desk in his ridiculous secretary outfit. For the past year he had shown up every weekday, occupying the left elevator and annoying (or amusing, depending on who you talked to) the employees with his antics. He had somehow become the elevator's occupant in that year--it was actually six months before Xemnas realized that Demyx didn't even work there.

And now, he found himself being threatened with security by this--this bum, who came here to his office building everyday and hung out in his elevator and bothered his employees--

"Sir, if you're not going to go to your floor, then I must ask you to leave. There are other people who need to use this elevator too, you know."

…What was the point? What was the point anymore? Xemnas's workplace was nothing more than a safe haven for all the crazies of Hollow Bastion. What was the point of fighting it? Even if he did have Demyx thrown out, he would just show up again the next day, or worse, someone even crazier than Demyx would show up and take his place.

With a resigned sigh, Xemnas pressed the button for his floor, and the elevator slowly began to make it's way up. Once the elevator reached the tenth floor and the doors opened, Demyx waved cheerfully and called after him, "Thank you for riding on Xenahort and Wise Corporation Elevator One! We hope to see you again soon! Have a good day."

Xemnas stared at Demyx blankly until the elevator doors closed, and then turned and made a beeline for his office, pausing only to ask Aerith to call his pharmacy and get a refill for his Prozac, asap. And then, once he was safely back inside his office, he quickly retrieved his stuffed moogle from its hiding place behind his plant, then pulled his pillow and blankie from his desk drawers. He curled up under his desk, then, wrapping his blankie securely around himself, and began sucking his thumb.

So what if he was having a wussy moment? So what if it was a shameful way for the CEO of a very important business to act. He was surrounded by crazy people eight hours a day, all his coffee had been stolen, and Saix wasn't giving him any. It was a wonder he hadn't cracked completely yet. He deserved this small amount of comfort.

He was only human after all.


Blegh. Totally typed all this up within an hour. It's like, two in the morning now, and I have to go to work tomorrow. Ugh. Growing up sucks. XP