Disclaimer: Don't own 'em. Never will own 'em. Oh woe is me.

Idiot's Guide to Surviving Your Office Building

Rule No. 1: Don't Panic

Cloud had been working at the office building of Xenahort and Wise Corporations for four years. He worked on the fifth floor, in the biggest cube farm. He typed mission statements and worked on spreadsheets and made phone calls and checked supplies. It was a good job, according to the rest of society, and it paid well enough.

Too bad his coworkers were crazy.

"Incoming!"

Cloud threw himself to the ground, a stapler whizzing by his head. It smashed into the wall and fell to the floor in pieces. The mission statements he'd been carrying, and had so painstakingly stacked neatly into a pile, had scattered all over the floor.

"Didn't Xemnas say that there couldn't be anymore stapler wars?" he groaned, pulling himself up to his knees and gazing sadly at the strewn papers.

The culprit, a pretty young woman with short black hair and expressive dark eyes, bounced over and helped him pick them up. "It's not a stapler war. I bet Saix ten bucks that you'd dodge that stapler. He didn't believe me 'cause you were carrying all these papers." Her nose scrunched up as she grinned. "But I knew you wouldn't risk hurting that pretty face of yours. Easy ten bucks for me!"

"You cheated Yuffie! You warned him!" a voice whined from a nearby cubicle.

"You never said I couldn't warn him," Yuffie cackled as she placed the last paper back on the stack. "Sorry about that Cloudy-kins, but a woman's gotta do what she can to make some money." She winked, then bounced off.

Cloud sighed heavily, straightened up, and shuffled down the aisle, reminding himself that at least the papers weren't hurt in the assault. If they had been, Tifa probably would've killed him. Not to mention Xemnas… He noted that new posters had been tacked to the walls—motivational posters that Xemnas was sure would inspire his employees to work harder. He read a couple: 'Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.'; 'Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!'; 'The beatings will continue until morale improves.'; 'We waste time so you don't have to.'

As he passed by the cubicles, he could hear bits and pieces of conversations that cube neighbors were shouting over to each other.

"…just got a cute dress…"

"…gonna kill me if I don't finish this by lunch…"

"…said if I didn't get rid of the water bed, she was gonna move out…"

"…how many calories does it have?"

"…Yuffie stole my stapler again, third time this week…"

"…how many calories does it have with salt?"

The floor was loud and noisy. Zell had his music up too loud. Irvine had the volume of his computer turned up to the max, and you could hear him playing his first-person shooter game with too much enthusiasm. Two men standing near the elevators were arguing at the top of their voices, something about the latest political scandal and who should be elected for mayor. But they weren't really yelling at each other, they were just yelling to be heard. He could vaguely hear Yuffie's evil cackle, followed by a loud crash and a scream of fury from Saix.

He couldn't remember a time when the fifth floor hadn't been noisy on a regular day.

"Need some help?" he heard a calm, deep voice ask him from behind.

Cloud sighed in relief as he turned, and half of the stack of papers was lifted out of his arms. He forced himself to ignore the way his heart skipped several beats. "Thanks, Leon. I thought my arms were going to fall off."

Leon grunted and jerked his head, trying to get his shaggy brown hair out of his eyes. "Did Zack ask you to deliver these?" He sounded disapproving; Leon was always worried that Cloud was letting people walk all over him, though you wouldn't know it. To most, he was every bit the ice prince that his rival Seifer had labeled him. Cold, uncaring, silent. But Cloud, being his best friend for two years now, and being in love with said (oblivious) best friend for about half a year, knew the real Leon; a caring mother-hen type with a very dry sense of humor.

"No, Leon. Lexaeus asked me. And before you say anything," he added, shushing his friend, "he was trying to keep Xaldin from tearing Luxord's head off."

"Was Luxord cheating at poker again?"

"I don't see how… they were playing it online this time."

As if on cue, Xaldin suddenly stormed by them, muttering darkly under his breath. Everyone quickly got out of his way in fear; Xaldin was famous for his short temper and devious acts of revenge.

"Yikes," Leon muttered, eying the retreating man wearily.

"C'mon, let's get these papers to Tifa and get back to work. If Xemnas catches us away from our desks, he'll freak out and have our heads mounted on his wall," Cloud sighed, and they quickly hurried down the aisle.

They found Tifa in her cube, her head propped up on one fist and staring at her computer screen blankly. "Tifa, Lexaeus needs you to take care of these mission statements," the blonde told her, dropping the stack of papers on her desk with a relieved sigh.

Leon set his stack on top of Cloud's and said, "What's up? You seem pissed."

Tifa grunted. "Pissed? Me? No, not pissed… That was nice of you guys to take care of these papers for Lexaeus. I heard him trying to keep Xaldin from killing Luxord…"

"It wasn't a problem," Cloud assured her.

Tifa didn't seem to hear him. "You guys are great. Really great. Always making everyone else's lives easier, never asking for anything in return… you guys are the best. Zexion though…" Her voice grew dark. "He's no good, that one. Always making smart-ass comments and hanging around the elevator flirting with Demyx, slacking off on his work and blaming everything on me… He ate my ice cream, you know. My very special, expensive sea-salt ice cream. I'd been saving it in the fridge. I even put my name on it, with a big red marker. But he still ate ALL of it." The pen she'd been holding tightly in her hand broke in two. She swore and grabbed some Kleenexes from the box on her desk and began mopping up the ink, cursing Zexion furiously.

Leon and Cloud exchanged looks, then left as quietly as they could. It was never wise to hang around a pissed-off woman with ink on her hands.

Xemnas growled and tugged at his hair in frustration. Dammit. Dammit, dammit, dammit. He was coming, dammit. Ansem, his uncle, partner, the head honcho, was coming tomorrow for a 'check-up.' Sounded like a freakin' doctor's appointment!

Why the hell did he have to come tomorrow?! Why couldn't he have waited for like, two weeks? They were running behind on work, and the office was in a state of total chaos. The third floor was having a huge war over which brand of coffee to use. The sixth floor was on strike because the toilet kept breaking and they weren't getting enough printer paper.

The ninth floor's fax machine was going haywire. The fifth floor… well, Xemnas had already lost track of what was going on in there. It was in a state of permanent chaos. The rest of the floors were made up of a bunch of lazy slackers who whined about raises and vacation days and spent their time looking at porn.

"I hate my life," Xemnas muttered, rubbing one hand over his face.

His intercom suddenly buzzed, and he just knew that his secretary was about to tell him something awful. "Um, Xemnas? We've got a problem…" Aerith's voice said nervously.

Xemnas closed his eyes, pressed the reply button. "What is it?"

"Um… I just got a call from the lobby. Apparently, somebody's ordered a lion."

Xemnas blinked. "I'm sorry, Aerith. I must've misheard you. Did you just say that someone ordered a lion?"

"Um… yes."

Xemnas closed his eyes, lowered his head, and began to quietly bang hi head against his desk. A lion. A fucking lion. Somebody ordered a fucking lion, and now it was there, in the office building. Soon the PETA activists in the building would all be down in the lobby making a huge scene, and the slackers from the lower floors would use it as an excuse to stop working, and fifth floor would all come down and try to set the lion free (because God knew that it there was always someone from that floor who would do something like that), and then…

His head really hurt. He decided that it probably hadn't been the best idea to hit it repeatedly against his desk like that. "Why didn't I become a fire-fighter when I had the chance?" he groaned to himself.

"So, there's a lion in the lobby."

Cloud looked up and blinked. "Wha?"

Marluxia, the office's pink-haired king of gossip and all around know-it-all of everybody's personal lives, smiled his Cheshire Cat smile, the one he got whenever he stumbled upon a particular juicy piece of gossip. "There's a lion in the lobby. The circus delivered it, but there's been some kind of mix-up. Apparently, that Clayton guy from the seventh floor ordered a gorilla, but the circus doesn't have any gorillas, so they're trying to give him a lion instead. Now Clayton's pissed 'cause he's not getting his gorilla, and all the animal PETA people in the building are freaking out because he was gonna shoot the gorilla, and now they're worried he's gonna shoot the lion."

Cloud, who had been staring at another new motivational poster tacked onto his cubicle wall ('Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment'), pushed his keyboard away and slumped back in his chair. "You've gotta be shitting me."

"I shit you not."

"So what the hell are they gonna do?"

"Right now everyone's just arguing. The activists say the lion should be sent back to it's natural habitat and Clayton should be arrested for cruel and unusual punishment against animals. Clayton's screaming about the gorilla. Everyone else is just kinda hanging around."

"Of course," Cloud sighed. "Just another normal day, right?"

Marluxia smirked. "Of course. Look, I gotta go before I miss anything else. I'll keep you posted, mmmkay? Bye, sweetie!" And with a wink, he bounced off.

Cloud shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe it…"

He waited. Leon didn't say anything. Maybe he was in shock or something…?

"I mean," Cloud continued, "a lion? That's pretty crazy, even for a normal day."

Still, nothing. Cloud frowned. "Leon…?" He stood up and peered over the cube wall to his friend's desk.

Leon wasn't there.

As soon as Leon heard that there was a lion in the lobby, he knew there'd be trouble. He snuck off as quietly as he could, relieved that neither Marluxia on Cloud noticed and took off for the stairs. He sprinted down, taking them two at a time, and it was a miracle that he didn't break his neck.

He skidded to a halt once he was in the lobby and gasped. It was complete mayhem. It seemed like half the building was crowded in the lobby, everyone shouting at each other and waving picket signs and pushing, shoving, slamming against each other. Xemnas was standing on top of the receptionist's desk, shrieking at the top of his lungs, vainly trying to restore some order.

He spotted a huge crate in the back, punched with holes. It read LION on the side. Obviously, that was where the lion was. He was dimly surprised that no one was paying the least bit of attention to it. They were all too busy shouting at each other.

He edged over to the crate and peered inside; a pair of large yellow eyes gazed back sadly, and Leon's heart squeezed painfully. Lions had always been his favorite animal, and he hated to think about what would happen to it. He didn't notice the figure creeping up behind him.

"Isn't it saaaaaad?" someone whispered in his ear, and Leon jumped about a foot off the floor.

"Reno!" he hissed, glaring at the snickering redhead. "Don't do that!"

Reno smiled, his cat-like eyes glowing. "Don't be mad, Leonhart. I couldn't help but notice how you seem upset about the lion."

Leon said nothing, but continued to glare at the redhead.

"So… what are you going to do?" Reno asked, a large smirk on his face.

Leon sighed. "What do you mean?"

"You're not just going to leave it here, are you?"

"But…"

"If you leave it here, it might get shot, or hurt in all the commotion. Go on, look at him…"

Leon did; the large eyes looked back at him, and he heard the lion whine sadly. Leon's heart gave another painful squeeze.

Reno plastered a somber look on his face. "So, what are you gonna do? What's it gonna be?"

Leon groaned. "Dammit, I know I'm gonna regret this… okay, help me push this thing to the back door."

Reno followed the brunette behind the crate and asked, "What's the plan?"

"We push him to the back door as quietly as humanely possible. I'll call animal control or something and let them take care of it."

They tried to push the crate—or rather, Leon tried to push it, but it just wouldn't budge. Leon grunted with the effort, his face red, and shot the redhead a dirty look. "Are you even trying?"

"Of course," Reno replied immediately, though his face was it's normal pale color.

Leon growled. "Dammit… look, can you wait here and watch this thing while I go and get Lexaeus? He'll be bale to move this thing."

Reno's eyes brightened. "I've got a better idea."

"What?"

Cackling, Reno leaped over to the front of the crate and jerked the door open with a triumphant yell. A golden blur zoomed out and ran around the corner, down the hall, knocking down several potted plants as it went. Leon stood rooted to the spot, horrified.

"Why the hell did you do that?!" he asked, his voice uncharacteristically shrill.

Reno had a crazed, proud look on his face, but as soon as reality began to sink in, his expression fell. He almost looked confused. "Well… it seemed to make since at the time," he said dumbly.

Leon ripped at his hair and gave a loud, frustrated yell. Seconds later, there was a scream from around the corner.

"Oh my god! There's a lion in the hall!"

And with that, all hell broke loose.

"Cloooud!"

Said blonde looked up from the spreadsheet he was working on, startled. Marluxia peered down at him over the cubicle wall, his eyes dancing. He looked like a little kid who just learned that Christmas had come early.

"Ohmigawd, you won't believe what's just happened!" he gushed. "Remember the lion I told you about? Remember? Well it got out of it's crate somehow, and now it's roaming free in the building somewhere! Everyone's freaking out."

Cloud sat up a little straighter in his chair. "The lion got out?"

"Yep! Xemnas is down in the lobby screaming for blood. Apparently, Ansem is supposed to come tomorrow to 'check up' on things. If he finds out that there's a lion in the office…" He trailed off, letting the rest of the sentence hang in the air. They both knew the consequences of what it would bring.

The blonde groaned. Great. Now, not only did he have to worry about where the hell Leon wandered off to, he had to worry about being attacked by a lion. "Can't they call animal control or something?"

Marluxia shook his head. "Xemnas says that Ansem would be seriously pissed off if something like this got out. We'd be all over the news and everything. When I left, he was paying the circus people off to keep them from saying anything. I've never seen him look so pissed."

At that moment, Leon shuffled over, a haggard look on his face. He collapsed into his chair with a groan, rubbing a hand over his face.

Marluxia gasped happily. "Oooo, Leon! Perfect timing! I was just telling Cloudy-kins about the lion—"

"They think they've got it cornered downstairs in the woman's bathroom," Leon interrupted, his voice flat. "Now they're trying to decide how to see if they really did capture it."

Marluxia squealed and took off, shouting a frenzied apology to his friends. Cloud waited until he was sure that the coast was clear, then wheeled his chair over to Leon's cubicle. The brunette had his head down on his desk, his face buried in the keyboard. Cloud frowned; this was definitely not like him. Leon was not the sort of person who would lay his head down on his desk—he was the kind of person who would sit around glaring at everyone if he had a problem. The blonde hesitated, and gave his friend a tentative nudge.

"Hey. You okay?"

Leon sighed deeply. "It's my fault that the lion got out."

Cloud's eyes widened. "What?"

"Well, not completely my fault," the brunette added quickly. "Reno was the one who opened the crate. I was just standing there."

"I can't believe it."

"Me either. But Reno tricked me, dammit. I can't believe I let him get under my skin like that…"

Cloud could tell that Leon was deeply upset; he was talking a hell of a lot more than he usually did. And he said that Reno was the one who opened the crate—Reno, that manipulative, crafty Turk… Which meant—"He pulled a guilt trip on you about the lion, didn't he?"

Leon gave a small shrug. "Something like that. So now what am I gonna do?"

"You'll just have to wait and see, I guess. There's not really anything else you can do."

Leon hesitated, then pushed himself up and wheeled his chair around to face him. His grey-blue eyes looked tired. "Yeah, I guess you're right. I just hope they catch the lion soon so this whole thing can blow over."

"They will," Cloud said, with more confidence than he felt. "Try not to worry about it." Then he quickly wheeled himself back over to his cubicle before he could do anything that he'd regret, crossing over the border between best friend and something else. They went back to work, and it was relatively peaceful… for about thirty seconds.

Then—

"You don't think they'll hurt the lion when they catch him, do you?"

"Leonhart, shut up and get back to work."

"But—"

"Don't worry about the lion—he's the friggin' king of the jungle, I'm sure he can take care of himself."

When Cloud got in the next day, the lion still hadn't been found, and the whole office building was in state of total panic while the circus men from before wandered around the office searching for it. The fact that they looked like they didn't know what the hell they were doing made them all the more worried. Xemnas was running from floor to floor, shrieking orders about how no one was allowed to tell Ansem anything about the lion, not a damn thing, and if they did, there would be hell to pay.

Cloud sighed heavily as he sank into his chair; he could already feel his daily migraine start to form. "Why did you let that damn lion out?" he asked Leon.

"I didn't," he heard the man reply, his tone offended. "Reno did. I was an innocent bystander."

"Innocent my ass."

"Shaddup. And keep your voice down—if Xemnas hears you, my ass is grass."

Cloud snorted, but let the matter drop. Xemnas had arrived to the fifth floor, and was now pacing up and down the aisles, alternating between muttering to himself and screaming at the employees. His left eye was twitching spastically. Unfortunately for our two favorite employees, Xemnas chose that moment to stop at their cubicles.

"Leonhart! Strife!"

The two men jumped and looked around guiltily; Xemnas was staring at them, his gaze menacing. He was breathing heavily, and there was a vein in his temple that was pulsing in time with his twitching eye. Cloud was the first to recover. "Xemnas, your nostrils are flaring."

"They have a right to flare, I'm in charge. Why are you two being so quiet?"

"What do you mean?" Leon asked with raised eyebrows. "Isn't that what you're always nagging us about? Being quiet and doing our work?"

Xemnas sneered. "Oh, very funny. Normally you two are just chatting away without a care in the world, lagging behind on your work, extending your lunch breaks without permission… and low and behold, I come in today and find you two working quietly in your desk like good little employees." He narrowed his eyes and leaned forward, bearing his teeth. "Both of you look guilty. Why do you look guilty? Perhaps you know something about the escaped lion? Something that you might want to share with me?"

Leon and Cloud exchanged guilty looks, which Xemnas caught immediately. He looked triumphant. "Leon, you're awfully fond of lions, right? Perhaps you couldn't bear the thought of that poor innocent lion locked up in that crate, and you decided to let it out…?"

Leon guiltily looked at the background on his computer—a group of lions asleep in the savannah. 'Jesus… maybe I should tell him what happened. It is partially my fault the lion got out, after all…' he reasoned to himself. But then he remembered the lion's sad eyes, and he couldn't help but feel that he had done the right thing.

A third voice joined into the conversation. "I don't see how that could be possible. These two were up here working the entire time."

The three men turned and saw Reno, casually lounging in his seat. There was a sickly sweet smile on his face. "We were working, weren't we boys? Doing our work like the good little mindless, zombie pod people that we are."

"It's true," Leon said immediately.

"Yeah. Up here the entire time," Cloud chimed in. "We didn't even hear about the lion until later." Xemnas's face reddened, but just as he opened his mouth to yell at them, there was sudden, ear-shattering roar.

"RAAAAAAWR!" (Like that.)

"Ohmigawd! The lion's here!" they heard Yuffie scream. Immediately, the fifth floor was flooded with screams and shouts of terrified employees.

"Oh my god!"

"Run away! Run away!"

"Arrrgh!"

Leon and Cloud jumped up from their desks and took off down the aisle. "This is all your fault Leon!" Cloud shouted.

"My fault? How is it my fault?!"

"You let the friggin' lion outta the friggin' crate!"

"Reno let it out! I was just there—Ahhh!" a golden blur suddenly bowled Leon over.

Cloud shrieked. "Leon!"

The brunette in question found himself staring up at a very large, very angry looking lion. Said lion growled, his golden eyes blazing with what Leon could only guess was bloodlust. Leon squeaked in fear.

"Shit, Leon. Shit! You've got a lion on your chest!" Cloud shouted, panicking.

"I noticed that myself, thanks," Leon gasped, his face turning slightly blue from lack of air. The lion was heavy, and it was almost impossible to breathe. 'I almost wish he'd just hurry up and eat me,' he thought dimly. 'Imagine: 25-year-old male killed in freak lion attack! Lion suffocates man by sitting on his chest! At least I'd have a chance at making the front page…'

People were slowly gathering around, many shrieking in shock and fear upon seeing the huge lion sitting on his chest. Said lion growled menacingly at anyone who got too close.

"God dammit, Leon! Why did the lion have to jump on your chest?!" Xemnas wailed, tearing at his hair. Leon would've replied, but he didn't have any breath left to speak.

"Xemnas! Xemnas!"

Everyone (excluding Leon and the lion) looked up to see a very red-faced Aerith, who was gasping heavily. She looked a bit hysterical.

"Oh Jesus, don't let it be anymore bad news, please God I'm begging you!" Xemnas moaned, a feeling of dread rising in his chest.

Aerith took a deep breath and said, "Ansem is here. He's down in the lobby. And he wants to speak with you."

Ansem Frederick Wise the Third was confused. As he watched Aerith run away, sputtering nervously that she would alert of his arrival, he realized that the lobby was a complete mess. Several potted plants had been smashed and knocked over. An empty crate had been left in the back, and seeing the word LION printed on it's side made him a little worried.

'Alright, Ansem,' he said to himself, 'the lobby is in shambles, the secretary was a nervous wreck, it sounds like there's a herd of elephants stampeding upstairs, and your nephew was not waiting downstairs to meet you. In fact, he still hasn't even arrived down here to meet you. Now, what are you going to do?'

He took a second mull it over in his brain, then took a deep breath and threw his shoulders back, lifting his chin up. It was time to get down to the bottom of this—he had the most horrible feeling that his company's reputation was at stake.

Almost as soon as the words left Aerith's lips, everyone went completely silent. Even the lion looked shocked (it should be noted that Leon had passed out some time ago, his face a rather attractive shade of blue). Then everyone began talking at once.

"Oh my god…!"

"What are we going to do?"

"When Ansem finds out that we've got a lion—"

"Shit, shit, shit!"

"Oh maaaaan, we're gonna lose our jobs!"

"Everybody be quiet!" Aerith suddenly shrieked, and they did, staring at her in shock. After all, it wasn't everyday that the soft-spoken Aerith yelled at them to be quiet. Said woman blushed lightly, but continued.

"Ummm, thank you. Look… it's not going to do us any good to just stand here and panic. We've got to do something! We have to distract Ansem while the circus men capture the lion—"

"Problem!" Yuffie interrupted, raising her hand. "The circus guys left. Said something about a lunch break. They won't be back for hours." This caused Aerith to do a very unAerith-like thing: she swore loudly. Almost everybody gasped. A couple people fainted, and Aerith blushed harder.

The words 'They won't be back for hours' seemed to hang in the air, echoing. Everyone looked at each other in disbelief, sending messages with their eyes. Can you believe this?—What are we gonna do now?—We are so totally screwed.—I'm gonna kill the idiot who let that lion out.

Aerith managed to gain her composure. "I'm… sorry for cursing like that. But look, we have to do something. The last three times Ansem has visited, we've all been given severe warnings. This will be the last straw! Our jobs are at stake! And not just ours, but Xemnas's too. Think about it, guys…" She looked around at everyone, searching their faces for any signs of compassion. "He's put everything he has into his job, this building—us, his employees! It would be horrible if he got everything he's worked so hard for taken away from him, after all he's done for us. Look at him."

They did, and Xemnas tried to make himself look as pitiful as possible.

Aerith spoke again, regaining everyone's attention. "What do you say, guys? Let's catch this lion! Let's catch this lion for Xemnas!" She pumped her fist in the air enthusiastically. "Who's with me?! For Xemnas!"

"No!" everyone said loudly, their tones flat.

Xemnas's expression immediately changed from pitiful to pissed. "I hate all of you and I hope you die. And I'm docking fifty percent from your paychecks for the next three months." And with that, he stomped off.

Aerith winced. "That… didn't go so well. Okay, okay not for Xemnas! Let's do it for ourselves. Let's save our jobs! Who's with me?!"

"Alright!" everyone shouted back, pumping their fists in the air and throwing their respective hats, papers, and even a bra into the air.

Unfortunately, while they were talking, the lion had quietly dragged Leon's unconscious body off. Cloud, deciding that it would be useless to try and tell everyone about this recent development, had gone after them. Upon discovering that the lion and two men had disappeared, more panicking ensued, and Aerith realized that she was going to need a lot of aspirin by the end of the day.
Author's Notes: I know what you're probably thinking: 'where's the romance?!' Well, that's gonna be a while—it's a budding romance, so it's gonna take a while. You're also probably wondering: 'Where's the rest of the characters?' and 'What was the point of this chapter?' and 'Such-and-such person wasn't in any of the Kingdom Hearts games! Who is he/she?' Well, this story's pretty big, so you'll definitely see the characters you know and love later. The point of this chapter was to help show you just how chaotic Cloud's office building was. And if you don't recognize a person, then they're probably from a Final Fantasy game. (Ex: Reno, Zell, Zack, etc.)