Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, Wheaties, the Bible (Jashinist or otherwise), Coke, Gumby, Rogaine or that line about "cutting off your head and s---ing down your neck." That is courtesy of the sergeant from "Full Metal Jacket," I think. Do they even make Wheaties anymore?
"Reading Material"
Hidan, as much of a devout Jashinist as he was, got tired of doing the same old shit, just like everyone else. He wasn't a fucking saint, alright? So, one boring day, Hidan found that he just wasn't in the mood for ritualistic bloodletting or virgin sacrifice. So he crept out of his sacrificial chamber (which was really just the second bathroom in the house that had been removed of its bathroom innards to better meet the needs of ritual) and headed down to the Akatsukis' usual haunt: the living room.
Most of the guys were strewn about the couch or loveseat, watching the TV with identical looks of brain decay on their faces. Itachi had control of the remote, flipping through the channels faster than a normal person could discern what was actually on, which might have angered his fellows, had they not become hypnotized by the flickering images. Hidan glared at the heathen machine for a few moments before deciding to settle himself in the corner with his Bible. Same old shit, after all.
After an hour of reading, Hidan decided he really didn't want to waste the day reading…or watching TV. He made his way to the kitchen, grabbed a Coke from the fridge, and went out the side door to sit on the deck and watch Zetsu vegetate instead. The backyard really was rather depressing, seeing as the only landscaping left after the fiasco with Itachi's gardening skills was Zetsu himself. A giant Venus fly trap sitting in a circle of stones was not really very aesthetic, even an artless priest like Hidan realized that. But it did add to the whole…evil villain atmosphere. That and the hideous mailbox posted out front crafted in the likeness of Gumby. Tobi thought it was cute. Everyone else thought it looked like a giant demonic green bean. Hidan thought it was Satan incarnate.
Anyway, while Hidan was lost to thoughts of vegetating humanoid garbage disposals and giant evil green bean mailboxes, Kakuzu awoke from his stupor long enough to realize that the high fiber breakfast of champions he'd eaten that morning, Wheaties, was working its magic. Yep, it was time to take a nice healthy crap. Kakuzu rose with a stretch and had a sudden premonition. He was going to need some suitable reading material for this one. Kakuzu didn't see any magazines on the coffee table, so he wandered over to the reading corner. He noticed the Jashin Holy Bible, and flicked his eyes left, then right.
Hidan had left his Bible out in the open.
With a smirk beneath his mask, Kakuzu picked up the heavy book. If it didn't prove to be good reading material…he could always wipe his ass with it. It was the least he could do, to show his appreciation for the intestines and the heart Hidan had so lovingly donated to him the previous week…
Hidan had barely had time to appreciate Zetsu's uncanny ability to catch flies when it decided to rain. Hard. Zetsu snapped his flytrap shut tight, and Hidan had a horrible feeling that Jashin was punishing him for slacking on his studies.
To stress the point, a fork of lightning leapt out of the sky and struck the bare sticks that had once been a tree right next to the man.
"Alright, I fucking get it! I'll go back inside and study my damned Bible! Geez!"
Hidan went back inside the house, leaving his unfinished can of Coke outside (Cleanliness was NOT next to Godliness in the Jashin faith) and he went to grab his book from the chair in the reading corner, but it wasn't there. He looked around at the fuck heads gazing mindlessly at the TV.
"Hey, did one of you assholes take my Bible?"
No response. A vein throbbed in Hidan's temple.
"Hey, I'm fucking talking to you!"
Still no response. Hidan stormed in front of the TV. Itachi was still tapping at the remote control, even though with Hidan in the way, the channels were no longer turning. A commercial for Rogaine was playing behind the Jashinist as he faced the dull stares of four shinobi. Itachi acted as if he couldn't see Hidan. Kisame had his mouth partly open, a line of drool dangling from his lower lip. Deidara's hands were mimicking Kisame, Deidara's own face was slack, head cocked to the side, his ass in danger of sliding off of the arm of the couch. Sasori's eyes were crossed. But Kakuzu was missing…
"Okay, where's Kakuzu?"
"You don't make a very convincing window," Itachi said in a monotone voice. Hidan looked to the Uchiha, who had the remote control pointed at Hidan as if it were a weapon. As if he could turn Hidan on or off.
"Don't get your panties in a knot, I'm just looking for my Bible!"
"…"
"Huh? What's with those eyes?"
….
After twelve virtual hours of a personal hell in which Itachi continuously pressed the Mute button, disabling Hidan's foul mouth, Hidan snapped back to reality in a worse fury than before.
Sure, they say only another Sharingan user could live through the Mangekyou Sharingan, but then again, most people don't continue to function after having their heart ripped out of their body.
Hidan looked through the house for Kakuzu, finally seeing the bathroom (the public bathroom, if you will) door closed. He pounded on the door, screaming into the thin wood.
"HEY! Have you seen my Bible?!"
No response. Hidan knocked again.
"Hey, I'm asking you a simple question, dumb ass!"
"I don't like talking to people while I'm on the john."
"Look, just tell me if you've seen my Bible or not."
"Uh…nope! Haven't seen it! Now leave me be, or I'll chop your head off and shit in your fucking neck!"
"Alright! Damn…" Hidan muttered, turning away.
Later that day…
"FUCKING KAKUZU!" Hidan screeched, running into his bedroom, scythe soaring into the air to pierce the wall over Kakuzu's bed. Said ninja had rolled onto the floor, but he was laughing. Laughing! Hidan pulled his scythe back, then threw it again.
"Desecration! Blasphemy! Mother fucking sacrilege!"
"Hey, all I did was read it, dumb ass!" Kakuzu howled between fits of laughter.
"It smells like your shit! The Bible must be destroyed, so I have to get another one now! And it's coming out of your pocket!"
"The hell it is," Kakuzu growled, and a bloody battle ensued, in which there was much cursing, impaling and erm…organ transplantation.
A/N: Ah...I love those two together...the little snippet about the organ donation the previous week is from the story "Breakfast is a Bang," but that story and this one can stand alone, so don't worry, just go read that story, I'm proud of it! I got lazy with the end, so use your imagination for the bloody battle.