Disclaimer: I don't own Life With Derek or Carrie Underwood's Before He Cheats, although I would have the exact same reaction if someone cheated on me...

11:18 pm. That was the time Derek read on his clock as he got up from his couch and sauntered over to the door at the frantic knocking. "Whoever's on the other side better either be female and naked, or have alcohol. Better yet, female, naked, and carrying a case of beer." However, the sight that met his eyes as his door swung open was a…less than welcome sight. "What the hell do you want, Casey," he said, scowling. "In case your little eyes have deceived you, it's eleven o'clock at night."

"Oh shove it, Derek, I know you weren't asleep. Your lights are all on, your TV's blaring, and," she looked pointedly at the bottle in his hand, "unless you sleep with an open bottle of beer next to your bed, you're pretty much a big whiner. Don't worry, I'm not here for anything much. I just need to borrow a few things…"

When she trailed off and looked at Derek expectantly, he sighed and moved out of the doorway. As she brushed past him, Derek smelled a faint hint of…whiskey? And then he noticed what she was wearing.

"Damn it Casey, are you drunk? Don't you remember what I told you about showing up at my apartment drunk? I hate dealing with it!"

Casey rolled her eyes at him. "I'm not drunk. I had one shot of whiskey. Believe me, there is no way on this earth that I could be drunk at this moment…Can I borrow your bat…and a couple of your hunting knives?"

Derek looked in askance at Casey. "Are you insane? Why in the world would you show up at my apartment this late at night after you were obviously out clubbing with your pals, and ask for a bat and knives? You really are drunk, aren't you? Did you drive here?"

"No, I'm not drunk, you idiot! I just need some…tools, if you will."

"What for?" Derek asked suspiciously.

"Because I caught Matt-you know Matt, my boyfriend?" Derek nodded grudgingly and folded his arms across his chest. "Anyways, Matt told me he was going out with the guys tonight, and then Em showed up at my apartment and asked me to go to a bar with her, so I did, and I caught Matt there making out with some…blonde tramp!"

"And so…you are going to hit him over the head with a bat and…kill him with some knives?!"

"No you idiot! I'm going to hurt something even more precious to him…his car!"

Derek stared at her triumphant expression with a look of disbelief on his face. "You gotta be drunk!" he exclaimed.

Casey sighed, exasperated. "I am NOT drunk! It's just…Matt hurt me, you know? And if I confronted him, or yelled at him, it wouldn't do anything. He'd laugh and go back to his little tramp. I want to do something to him so he understands that he shouldn't mess with me…or any other girl, really."

Derek opened his front closet and pulled out his Louisville Slugger, his hunting knives, and his leather jacket. Shrugging into it, he looked at Casey and smiled. "If you're gonna be arrested for vandalism, I'm gonna be there. Imagine, the princess in jail!" He cackled, and Casey scowled.

"I didn't invite you along, you know…"

"Doesn't matter, princess. Either I come, or you don't get the stuff."

"Fine, whatever. Let's just go!"

That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats...
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

11:47 pm. Derek looked at his dashboard clock, and almost laughed. If only Sam could see him, driving up to Casey's boyfriend's car so she could do massive damage to the souped up Ford truck in front of him. It was…totally and completely insane. And something he never imagined Perfect Casey doing. But here she was, and here he was, her willing accomplice. It was laughable. No, more than that, it was a loony bin offense. And yet, here he was.

He pulled in two parking spaces away from the Ford F-150 and looked expectantly at Casey. She gulped and looked at him with worried eyes.

"Ok, so I think I've rethought this. Maybe this isn't the greatest idea in the world…"

Right now, she's probably up singing some
white-trash version of Shania karaoke...
Right now, she's probably saying "I'm drunk"
and he's a thinking that he's gonna get lucky,
Right now, he's probably dabbing on 3 dollars worth of that bathroom polo
And he don't know...

"Casey, Casey, Casey. Can you even imagine what Matt's doing with that girl? I mean, he's probably calculating right now where the cheapest place to get laid would be…and how much fun it will be even as she flirtingly tells him how drunk she is. Do you really want to let him get away with that?"

Storms clouds filled Casey's eyes. "No, I don't want him to get away with that. Give me that bat!" And with that, she grabbed the bat and slammed out of the car.

That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats,
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

Derek surveyed the damage and whistled. "Damn, girl! Remind me never to get you this pissed off at me."

Casey blushed and smiled. "Derek, there is nothing you could do to make me this angry with you. The only time I would ever do this would be if we were dating and you cheated on me…which would never happen!" she was quick to clarify.

Derek looked over at her quizzically. "What would never happen, the dating or the cheating?"

"Well…I don't know! But one of them would never happen!"

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"I mean that I'm tired, and I'm confused, and I really wish I could kiss you right now, but I still have a boyfriend!"

I might've saved a little trouble for the next girl,
Cause the next time that he cheats...
Oh, you know it won't be on me!

"Are you kidding me, Case? You're still going to date Matt? Are you completely screwed up?"

"No, I'm not still going to date him. I just haven't had a chance to officially dump him…"

Derek looked at the damage that had been inflicted around him. "So…" he said slowly, trying to understand. "The whole, kill-the-car thing was NOT your version of a Dear John letter?"

"We-ell, I guess when you put it that way…I guess this is kinda like our 'official' break-up. Which is a real good thing given that I never want to see him again…"

"So…what about the dating thing?"

"Do you really want to have this conversation now, Derek?"

Cause I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats...
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

Derek looked at the slashed tires, broken windows and headlights, and the keyed-up side of Matt's Ford and began to laugh. "I think, given the unconventiality of our relationship to begin with, having this discussion next to your ex-boyfriend's destroyed car is a perfect place. So, dating or cheating? Which would never happen?"

Casey looked nervously around. "Well, if it were up to me…itwouldbethecheatingnotthedating!"

"What was that? I didn't quite catch that."

"I said, that I think the cheating is less likely to happen…" Casey looked at Derek's laughing face and scowled. "You're such a jerk!"

"I know, but I'm a jerk you love. And apparently, a jerk you want to date, right? So, where should we go?"

Casey stared at him in bewilderment as he slung his arm around her shoulders and started walking her to his car. "Huh? Go…where?"

"On our first date. Where should we go?"

"Who said we were going on a date?"

"You did. And I'm game, so let's say tomorrow…8ish?"

Casey glared at him. "Sometimes you make me think way too hard at the worst times. 8 it is then. You're picking me up, I assume?"

Derek nodded and grinned as he started up his car. "Looks like this trip wasn't a totally waste after all! I got to watch you break the law and you finally decided to go on a date with me!"

Silence.

A few moments after they pulled onto the road, Casey turned to him and queried, "Unconventiality? Is that even a word?"