a/n: I just wanted to see if I could recreate the feeling the first chapter had.

Another Word for Hate

Sometimes you thought that Ianto hated you, and other times, you are not so sure about his feelings. As you look back on things, you think things might have been easier if he would have just chosen one emotion towards you. However, at the moment, you are really glad that he did not simply pick an emotion because then you would probably not be sharing a bed now.

You did not want to remember what happened at Canary Wharf. Not only was it horrific, but you also missed the Doctor by only a fraction of a second. Ianto was at first, just another reminder of that day. Weeks of careful watching revel that he is not going to betray you so you start to put his past behind you.

Then it happens. He betrays you. You were so furious that you barely remember your actions from the night. As you review the CCTV footage later, you are horrified to learn you were ready to kill him. That there was no hesitation in the way you pressed the gun to the back of his skull. It occurs to you though, that despite your anger you could not let him die.

For instance, when you found him lying face down in the water you could have left him there, but you did not. You revived him. You did not let him die that night, and you could not kill him. It left you wondering what exactly your feelings towards him were.

You knew he wanted to hate you after that night. Just like you are powerless to end his life, apparently Ianto is just as powerless to hate you though. You understand his pain. You know how he felt when he lost the one person he loved. You know that your understanding is the reason you could not kill him.

You had to let Jasmine go even though the rest of the team seemed to hate you for it. He understood – at least on an intellectual level. You do not talk to him about it afterwards, but his reaction to Jasmine's disappearance makes you think.

You decided only a short time the fairies case that maybe giving Ianto less responsibility within Torchwood is not the right way to solve the issues between you. You try giving him more power to see what happens. Things do not quite work out the way you think they will. You feel especially guilty that you almost got him killed. In fact, for days after the trip he avoids you. You let him because you are afraid if you try to fix things you will only make it worse.

You fell into a daze when you kill Suzie for the second time. It was hard to watch her kill herself, but, you discover, it was harder to kill her. Ianto attempted to comfort in the only way he thought you would accept. His offer was so not Ianto that you pretended to be confused just to double check that it was really what he wanted. He did not take long to make it clear to you exactly what his offer meant.

You did not purposely ignore Ianto when John – with Diane and Emma – came crashing into everyone's lives. You finally had someone you could relate to about being out of place in a different time. You made sure you were there when John committed suicide even if it meant you died too. Later, when you return back to the Hub, you find Ianto waiting for you. He does not ask for an explanation, and you do not give him one. An explanation might mean you lose him.

You and Tosh came back to the Hub with Gwen after your trip to the past to find that Ianto has shot Owen. You were so furious with Owen for opening the Rift you do not even consider punishing Ianto.

Of course, Ianto was not too pleased at the suggestion you sacrifice yourself to Abaddon. The whole team thinks you are crazy, but Ianto's opinion is the only one that matters. He refuses to speak to you before you leave so you leave without saying goodbye. You die; the world fades to black like it normally does.

You wake up. It has been 11 days your internal body clock tells you. You do not know why it took you so long for you to come back. You are happy to be alive again so you do not dwell on your unusually long death. Gwen and Tosh hug you. You kiss Ianto briefly before focusing on Owen. You need to right the wrongs before you can continue on with what is right with your life.

Then the Doctor's arrival throws everything off. You are so excited at the idea of getting answers to the questions you have had for centuries. You rush out without even thinking of saying goodbye because you do not think you will be gone that long.

Not that long turns into a long time. You only think about your team during the long year that never was. All of your actions are to protect them. Even then, most of time, you are thinking about Ianto, and what he must be thinking of you at the moment.

You come back to a furious team who remembers everything that happened even though it never really happened. You know over time that they will forgive you. You know Ianto forgave you the first time he saw you back.

You think your first night back in bed that things cannot get much better than you have at the moment. You think about all the times you thought that Ianto hated. You conclude as you fall asleep that whatever hate Ianto might have felt for you has become love.