Disclaimer: As everyone knows, I do not own the characters from Hana Yori Dango/Boys Over Flowers.

Nor do I own Always by October Project

Thank you, Kamio-sensei!

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Always

A Hana Yori Dango SongFic

By Janice Rips

"It's over now, all of it, and I have a beautiful memory to keep." That was how it was supposed to go. When I said to him, "I'll warm you up!", I just wanted to get close to him one last time, to finally get him out of my system and move on. To be able to fall in love with someone who is good for me. I thought I understood the rules. But then he changed them.

I have come to know you Over all these years, We've seen many days come and go.

He showed up on my doorstep about a month later. My sister came hollering down the hall, "Yuki! It's that guy again! The really handsome one, not the strange one that was looking for Tsukushi-chan!"

I went to the door, and there he stood. His dark eyes looked lost, hollow. I reached out to touch his shoulder. "Nishikado-san?"

He shivered at my touch. His voice was bleak. "Yuki-chan. I'm cold."

"Nishikado, what--?" I asked, confused.

"I'm so cold, Yuki. Please," he pleaded.

"I don't understand. What do you want from me?"

"I... I don't know," he ventured hesitantly. "I don't know where else to go. I'm just so cold. I know I have no right to ask, but... can I have some of your time?"

And that's how it began. I went with him to a hotel. We made love. He cried. And cried. I held him. We made love again. He finally smiled. We talked, late into the night. At last, we slept. When I awoke, he was gone.

After all the time we've shared, All the secrets told, Will you ever say I love you?

It's been almost a year now. We'll go along as we always have, seemingly casual acquaintances, a friend of a friend. Then he'll show up at my door again, lost and broken, and I'll warm him up. I know any debt I owed him has long since been repaid, but there's just something about him that makes me want to take care of him.

What do I get out of this? I'm not sure. But I'd better figure it out soon. Graduation is almost here. I have decisions to make. And as long as this goes on between us, status quo, I can't move forward. And God knows I can't move back.

If you gave me nothing, Nothing more than this I would have the memory to keep.

"Soujiro-san, I need to see you. We need to talk."

I called him. We met for tea in a cafe.

"What is it you wanted to talk about?" he asked.

"I graduate in two months," I began.

"I know. And?" For he could tell I had an 'and'.

"And my school doesn't go to University level. So I have some decisions to make. Soon."

"Yuki-chan, what is it you want of me?" he sighed.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that question? I need to decide what to do next. I have offers from several universities, some as far away as Hokkaido. What should I do?"

"What do you want to do? I can't make this decision for you, Yuki."

"Soujiro, how well do you think I know you?"

His expression softened. "You probably know me better than anyone, Yuki-chan. You may even know me better than I know myself."

"Soujiro, before I can decide, I need to know--why? This was never supposed to become a relationship. Why did you come back to me? Why did you change the rules? Why are you always gone before I wake up?"

"Yuki, I--" he looked distressed, but I pushed on.

"Soujiro, what am I to you?"

Let me make a simple wish As we fall asleep, Let me wake with you by my side Always.

He stared at me speechless. I just waited. I can be very patient when it suits me. I watched as distress became frustration and anger.

"What is it you want to hear, a declaration of love?" he hissed. "Are you trying to force me into promises I can't keep?"

"No, Soujiro," I replied calmly, more serenely than I felt inside. "All I want is to know how you feel about me. Am I just a convenient bedmate? A friend? A confidante? Is it worth it for me to stay, or are you losing interest? I just want the truth. You've told me to find a better man, someone good for me, but I can't do that knowing you'll show up out of the blue, hurt and needy. I just can't turn my back on you when you need me."

He slumped back into his seat, his head in his hands. "Perhaps you should."

If you have to leave me, Leave me with a kiss. Tell me how you feel without words.

"Seriously, Yuki. I'm not a good man. This just proves it. I didn't let myself think about how this affected you. No," he cut me off when I made to protest, "you're right. I haven't been fair. I demanded my freedom at every turn, but expected you to be available whenever I needed you. You should have shut the door in my face and gone on with your life. I'm so very sorry." He got up to leave.

Are you so afraid to stay? Must you be alone?

He makes me so angry sometimes. This was one of those times.

"Soujiro, you're running away again! It used to be to a crowd of women. Then you started running away to me. Where will you run next? What happens when you run out of places to run to? Damn it, 'Jiro, grow up! If you're afraid, at least be man enough to say so! If you're going to break my heart, then go ahead and do it, but stop stringing me along! I'm sick of waking up alone!"

Oh God. I'm yelling all this in public. I'm not sure which of us is more shocked.

Let me wake with you by my side Always.

"Yuki."

I won't look at him. I can't. I wish the earth would swallow me whole. All I can do is turn away.

"Nishikado-san. You spend an awful lot of time talking about 'once-in-a-lifetime' chances, for someone who never takes any chances at all. That's okay, I understand. It's easier to stay as you are, with your safe, predictable friends, and your safe, anonymous women. Maybe we'll meet again someday. See you around."

"Yuki, wait," he calls.

A self-deprecating laugh escapes my lips. "I wanted to revolutionize myself. I guess that means letting go of everything. If I find that the peppermint and lavender of Kitami can soothe and erase the bitter taste of tea and the ashes of memory, I'll send you some."

"Wait, Yuki. Listen to me," he pleads.

What can I do, say no? I'm just tired of hearing the same old excuses. I've heard all the reasons, all the events that molded his life, a year's worth of him explaining what makes him who and what he is. Maybe he can't change, maybe he just doesn't want to, but who am I to blame him? I didn't exactly succeed when I tried to change myself. I still love him. But if I have to lose him, I will.

"Okay, I'm listening. Do you have anything new to say, or is this going to be more of the usual?" I ask, frowning.

"That's not fair. This is hard for me. You're not giving me a chance."

"If I gave you a chance, would you take it? Talk, already."

"That's what I want to say. I'm ready to take a chance, but I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't afraid. I'm terrified. Do you even understand why I leave before you wake?" he asks.

"Because to stay would mean I matter more to you than your other women?" I reply sarcastically.

"No! I mean, you do, but that's not why! I let you wake up alone so that I don't have to!"

"What?" This concept is utterly foreign to me. Is he even speaking Japanese? "Excuse me, 'Jiro-kun, but have you been taking 'stupid lessons' from Doumyouji-san? How hard would it be to just ask me to be there when you wake up?"

"Um, I... well... it seemed like it would be too much of an imposition," he admits sheepishly.

He has been taking 'stupid lessons'. There's no other explanation. "You mean to tell me that you don't think of it as an imposition to show up at my door without calling and ask me to go to a hotel with you, but you can't ask me to be there for you in the morning?" I'm totally incredulous.

"Well, when you put it that way..."

"Soujiro, I have a really good offer waiting for me in Hokkaido, my own 'once-in-a-lifetime' opportunity. I need to let them know if I want the placement. I love you. If you want me to, I'll pass it up, but frankly, you need to make it worth my while." I know it's a risk, putting my cards on the table this way, but it's past time I started thinking for, and about, myself. I hold my breath, hoping.

"Yuki-chan, if Hokkaido is where your dreams take you, you should go, and not worry about what anyone else wants, including me," he says gently.

I should have known. Now he doesn't have to commit. "I guess this is very convenient for you." Oops, I didn't mean to say that out loud, but maybe it's best if he hears it.

"No, it's not, not really," he laughs. I'm confused. "I'm serious; I'm ready to take a chance. A chance on us. So, if you're going to Hokkaido, I'll go too."

"Nishikado, are you nuts? Your family will never allow that, you're needed here in Tokyo!" Even so, my heart races: he would come with me? I could have it all?

"Heh, I don't think my mother will mind, and my father will just have to take care of his own responsibilities for a change." I think this is the first time I've seen him this excited about anything. He actually looks... hopeful.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but, "Okay."

He's as surprised as I am. "Okay?"

"Yes," I add, "but on one condition."

"What is it?" he asks warily.

"That you'll be there when I wake up from now on. No more running away."

His smile is like the promise of a new day. "Always."

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Always was written by Julie Flanders, Emil Adler and Paul Byrne and performed by October Project. Here are the lyrics:

I have come to know you
Over all these years
We've seen many days come and go
After all the time we've shared
All the secrets told
Will you ever say I love you

If you gave me nothing
Nothing more than this
I would have the memory to keep
Let me make a simple wish
As we fall asleep
Let me wake with you by my side

Always

If you have to leave me
Leave me with a kiss
Tell me how you feel without words
Are you so afraid to stay
Must you be alone
Let me wake with you by my side

Always

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AN: This is my first attempt at a fic featuring Yuki & Soujiro. I love them both to pieces, but I find them a little intimidating to write about. Please don't hate me!