Disclaimer:I do not own any/ all fictional entities featured in this segment. I just rented them to exploit and abuse for the entertainment of myself and others. The idea was sparked by Huajun Chen and ReaperRain.
I'm quite sure you've all read the witty Huajun Chen's "Saiou Takuma: A User's Maintenance Guide". And I hope you've all read ReaperRain's "The Oozing-Masculinity Chazz Princeton Pack". Just recently, I've been inspired to write a piece along those lines. And knowing me, you can guess who it's based on…
But I must not take all credit. 50 percent goes to Huajun Chen, for her permission and inspiration. 50 percent goes to ReaperRain for her assistance (I wrote the general outline, but she helped to re-vamp it, particularly with the names). It's only fair, yes?
I pray this will turn out well…if not, I'll get a blindfold.
Congratulations on purchasing you S.M.E.H.K. (Schizoid Masochist Emo Hell Kaiser)™ unit, the latest in our line of exclusive Dark Illusions Duel Buddies®. Please take the time to read this manual, ensuring a more enriching experience with your product.
General Description
Name: Commercially named S.M.E.H.K™, but you are advised not to call him this, as he may take it the wrong way. Please address him by the name Marufuji Ryo/Kaiser/Hell Kaiser or Zane Truesdale, depending on language option.
Manufactured in: Japan
Distributed in: America
Height: approximately 6 feet (1.8 meters)
Weight: approximately 98 pounds (44.5 kilograms)
Skill Level: So intensely high that those with weak constitutions will run off with their tail tucked between their legs and those with weak bladders will need to change their underwear.
Accessories
Your S.M.E.H.K™ should arrive with the following apparatus:
One dueling deck (combination of the Cyber Dragon and Cyber Tail/Underworld decks),
One Complimentary Duel Disk,
Two to three different outfits, depending on edition purchased,
One bottle of J-Rock smexiness eyeliner (do not use on self, The Kaiser does not share),
Two sets of electrical collars for kinky purposes,
One velvet-lined briefcase in which to hold everything listed above,
His many fetishes.
Installation
Your S.M.E.H.K™ will arrive six to eight weeks after ordering; don't expect him to be in a package, he'll just step out of the mail truck. After he has stormed into your house, kindly untie the mailman in the back and give him a peace offering for being hijacked by his own delivery.
Remove the barcode on the back of your S.M.E.H.K™'s jacket, being careful not to tear anything, as he does not take kindly to clumsiness. Set the language to whichever you prefer, remembering the rules about names.
Modes
Your S.M.E.H.K™ has several different modes, each with its own relevant outfit:
Schizoid Masochist Emo Hell Kaiser: The default setting. Your S.M.E.H.K™ will arrive in a black gravity-defying trench coat accompanied by a muscle shirt and see-my-fetish pants. Despite looking like an emo or Goth, your S.M.E.H.K™ will not start cutting himself or writing depressing poetry. He may get off by electrocuting himself, and on bad days he will preach about the pleasure of pain and the benefits of ruthlessness, but he is highly unlikely to commit suicide at any time. In this mode, your S.M.E.H.K™ is perfect for terrorizing enemies/ obnoxious neighbors/ small children.
Mildly Schizoid Obelisk Blue Kaiser: Your S.M.E.H.K™ will don the standard third-year Obelisk Blue uniform, also gravity-defying. Although he will no longer be a sociopath, he may be unusually quiet and will wander off to find a lighthouse to brood under. If he cannot find a nearby lighthouse, any tall, secluded structure will suffice, such as a tree or telephone pole. He is a patient listener in this mode, and makes an excellent counselor.
Ambitious Pro-League Kaiser: wearing the same Obelisk Blue uniform for no adequately explained reason, your S.M.E.H.K™ will only go into this mode when dueling in front of a large crowd, and will revert to default mode should he lose. This mode is short-lived, mostly serving as a transitional state between Schizoid Masochist Emo Hell Kaiser and Mildly Schizoid Obelisk Blue Kaiser.
Brooding Dark World Wanderer Kaiser: Slipping a robe over his trench coat, your S.M.E.H.K™ will wander around with a hand over his chest, mumbling things about not having much time left. Consider this mode a warning that S.M.E.H.K™ is soon to self-destruct after receiving too many electrical shocks. We'd advise avoiding this mode by decreasing the voltage on the collars.
Sad Naked Bishie Kaiser: For those who ordered the perverted edition of the S.M.E.H.K™ unit, your purchase will stand angsting in the shower stark naked (Note: this mode has been known to cause profuse blood loss through the nostrils and may result in hospitalization).
Unit Interactions
Your S.M.E.H.K™ is capable of reacting to a number of our other Dark Illusions Duel Buddies® units, including the following:
B.O.O.B.S.A. (Brilliant Overly Oviparous But Sueish Asuka)™: Also known as 'Alexis' in the English setting, this female unit may hang around your S.M.E.H.K™ when he's in Mildly Schizoid Obelisk Blue Kaiser mode. Though they are not romantically involved, the two will stand together by the lighthouse (or substitute area) engaged in deep heart-to-heart conversation about their troubles. Leave the two to chat, or watch from a distance if you're anxious about their private meetings. When S.M.E.H.K™ goes into Schizoid Masochist Emo Hell Kaiser mode, however, this unit will mysteriously vanish.
S.P.O.O.F. (Sentimental Performer Overly Ostentatious Fubuki)™: 'Atticus' in the English setting, this brother to the B.O.O.B.S.A™ unit spends his time singing poorly, playing the ukulele or making up love poetry. As with his sister unit, he will spend time chatting with your unit until he goes into Schizoid Masochist Emo Hell Kaiser mode. In this instance, S.P.O.O.F™ will go into his Elusive Erotic Darkness mode and attempt to snap Kaiser back to his milder mode. Rest assured, however, your S.M.E.H.K™ will not lose anything except his sense of compassion.
F.U.S.S. (Fluffy Unsure Sidekick Sho)™: Also known as 'Syrus' in the English setting, this adorable fry serves as an inferior brother unit for your S.M.E.H.K™ who will either ignore him or belittle him for his inability to distinguish between how to use spell card and how to play one. Honestly we don't see a difference either, but just go along with it. If he's in a particularly bad mood, your S.M.E.H.K™ will subject F.U.S.S™ to an electric-collar duel; despite his best efforts, F.U.S.S™ can only stand being electrocuted for so long, so it is best to keep the two apart until S.M.E.H.K™ is in a slightly better mood.
E.N.G.A.J. (Ethereal Nougaty Girlish Adventurer Johan)™: Called 'Jesse' in the English setting, your S.M.E.H.K™ may mistake this unit for a female. Affectionately considered the twin unit to the H.E.R.O.J™ unit (see below), he serves as another dueling rival or your S.M.E.H.K™ unit. Your purchase will persistently pursue this unit to duel and prove himself as a 'true duelist', more frequently when he's nearing his self-destructive Brooding Dark World Wanderer Kaiser mode.
H.E.R.O.J (Happily Eccentric Red-clad Optimist Judai)™: 'Jaden' in the English setting, this jocular unit will not mean much to your S.M.E.H.K™ other than a protector of F.U.S.S™ and small-time dueling rival who steals all the limelight. Do not worry; your S.M.E.H.K™ does not care much for the limelight.
S.U.A.V.E (Stick Up Anus Victor Edo)™: 'Aster' in the English setting, you must not let this stick-up-his-anus unit around your S.M.E.H.K™ when in Ambitious Pro-League Kaiser mode, as he will swiftly wipe the floor with him in a duel. And because your S.M.E.H.K™ is a sore loser, he will revert to Schizoid Masochist Emo Hell Kaiser mode. The two will otherwise not maintain much interaction; when in Brooding Dark World Wanderer Kaiser mode, however, the S.U.A.V.E™ unit may also wear a robe and follow S.M.E.H.K™ about waiting for him to self-destruct (Note: please be aware of giant Exodias in this mode).
Other units will be brushed off with a quiet snort, as they are not even worthy of breathing in S.M.E.H.K.'s presence. The rules can be bent, however, by ordering an official Fan Fictioneer License, which will allow the following: sugar-high fits, funky incest with F.U.S.S™, naughty homosexual activity with S.U.A.V.E™, romance with B.O.O.B.S.A™, or uncharacteristically falling in love with you. Your S.M.E.H.K™ will probably guess if you are trying to order this license, however, and will quietly dispose of your phone and computer.
Maintenance
S.M.E.H.K™ is an independent unit and is capable of feeding and bathing himself; you may do his laundry for him if you so wish, but don't expect any form of thank-you. Do not attempt to get into the shower with him, as he will calmly and rationally spray deodorant in your eyes until you go away.
The first few weeks may be awkward, with him being stony-faced and occasionally grumbling about your incompetence. We would advise not rocking the boat by poking fun at his emo-ness or trying to talk him out of his beliefs.
He may wander around the neighborhood challenging anybody he doesn't like to an electric-collar duel; we would advise adjusting the voltage on the collar to a minimum of 1.5 volts in order to reduce the damage. The maximum, 3000 volts, can induce a stay in intensive care or, in worst-case-scenarios, a trip six feet under. Just be patient with your S.M.E.H.K™ and in time he will get used to you. We can't guarantee you'll ever be very chummy with him, however.
Like all other Duel Buddies, your S.M.E.H.K™ is semi-obsessed with playing card games, so challenge him when it's convenient to you both. Do not throw a tantrum when he beats you, as he will most likely make a snarky and belittling remark about it. Although it may not seem so, he appreciates people giving it their best rather than being half-hearted. When upset he may insist on using the collars; again, make sure the voltage is low.
Warnings
Do NOT attempt to abuse your S.M.E.H.K™ in any physical or sexual manner; just because he's primarily a duelist doesn't mean he can't defend himself. Any unsavory advances will result in him knocking you into next month.
Do NOT attempt to seduce or flirt with S.M.E.H.K™ The temptation may be strong, but we ask you to muster as much self-control as possible; S.M.E.H.K™ does not like being touched unless strictly necessary. Any attempts at hidden-camera voyeurism will result in a potentially fatal nosebleed, such is the Kaiser's smehk-siness.
Do NOT tease, mock or insult him. Example: tease S.M.E.H.K™ about having a mechanical phallic complex, and he'll see to it that you no longer have a manhood of your own. Another example: tease S.M.E.H.K™ about "wearing black without the blue" when a Selsun Blue Dandruff Shampoo® commercial is on, and he'll see to it you have no scalp.
Do NOT leave him alone with women or gay men; no explanations are necessary.
Do NOT leave him near electrical appliances; remember, he has a lethal fascination with electrocuting himself.
Do NOT try and tell him what to do. S.M.E.H.K™ works for no one and nothing, except for his victory obsession.
Do NOT try to alter his appearance or wardrobe. Would you like it if someone tried to dress you as a drag-queen or gansta rappa for their personal entertainment?
Do NOT attempt to share or steal his eyeliner. No-one can pull of J-rock smexiness like the Kaiser.
Frequently Asked Questions
Question: I ordered a S.M.E.H.K™ but when he arrived, he was three feet tall, with bigger eyes and a peculiar Tibetan boy outfit; plus his voice sounds squeakier than usual, and he didn't take the mailman prisoner. What is this sorcery?
Answer: Our apologies, you must've received the prototype S.M.Y.K. (Smiley Miniscule Younger Kaiser)™ by mistake. Send him back on the truck with the barcode and receipt and we'll replace him as soon as possible.
Question: I am getting so sick of these collars! They're uncomfortable to wear, and afterwards everything looks blue and I can't feel my face! What shall I do?
Answer: If you want to be daring, try replacing the collars with paper mache replicas; if S.M.E.H.K™ asks why they aren't working, tell him they've burnt out from over-use. Please note: if S.M.E.H.K™ finds out your white lie he may chase you around the property with a table leg.
Question: Fangirls keep trying to break into my house! What do I do?!
Answer: Don't blame S.M.E.H.K™, he doesn't like them around either. We'd advise you stock up on bear mace, or get a couple of rabid pit bulls. You may also wish to purchase some insect repellent for the fangirls that resemble giant pink cockroaches and dress like floozies. If this does not work, try distracting them with an E.N.G.A.J™. He is indeed very nougaty, as several eager volunteers can verify.
Question: Is my S.M.E.H.K™ ill? He's so skinny, and he refuses to eat when I am present. I'm no doctor, but could he be anorexic?
Answer: Rest assured, he's not anorexic; he just has ridiculously fast metabolism. He won't eat because he prefers to dine when no-one's watching.
Question: So that would explain why I'm missing chocolate and sweets from around the house?
Answer: Heavens, no! S.M.E.H.K™ does not consume chocolate, or any other sugary product. To maintain his inhumanly bishie figure, he eats only bland health foods like vegetables and soy. Do you have a sibling or young child in the household? Or an H.E.R.O.J™ unit? Point the finger at them.
Question: Whenever I try to take my S.M.E.H.K™ anywhere, he keeps throwing the other passengers out of the car! How do I get him to stop?
Answer: You can't, I'm afraid. If you have a large automobile, you could let him have the entire back seat to himself. Otherwise you may want to consider leaving him behind - it won't inflict any emotional wounds if you do.
Question: Where does my S.M.E.H.K™ keep going at night? I checked his brooding spot, but he wasn't there. He stays out at night and returns fatigued in the morning.
Answer: There may be an Underground Dueling Circuit going on in somebody's basement. This hellish circuit is illegal and hazardous to duelists everywhere; find their hiding place and get the authorities involved as soon as possible. Meanwhile, you may want to have a firm chat with your S.M.E.H.K™ about not going to such events. Good luck with that.
Question: My S.M.E.H.K™ won't cease ranting about victory and power, what do I do?
Answer: Get earplugs. Pretend your listening - just keep nodding your head and saying: "Uh-huh. Yes, quite."
Warranty
After a while of electrocuting himself, your S.M.E.H.K™ may become run down; the warning signs will kick in when he's in the irreversible Brooding Dark World Wanderer Kaiser mode. After seeking out and dueling an E.N.G.A.J™ in Driven by Demons mode (see E.N.G.A.J™ guide for details) he will collapse to the ground and dissipate into a cloud of gold.
Do not fret, however; after several hours, your S.M.E.H.K™ will magically appear in your doorstep, lying in a comatose state. When this occurs, wrap him in a comforter and place him in a nice fitting-box (with holes for oxygen) and send him back to us with your receipt and proof of purchase. After a week or two in our specialized clinic, your S.M.E.H.K™ will be returned good as new. Other than that, the schizoid fun can keep going and going!
If you dislike your S.M.E.H.K™ you may return him to us permanently and purchase a more good-natured unit, like the H.E.R.O.J ™. No refunds are given, since you should've thought it through before making your purchase.
Thank you for your patronage! We at Dark Illusions hope you will enjoy your S.M.E.H.K™ and live to tell the tale; our other purchases are also available in the catalogue. Have a nice day!
Once again, I give acknowledgement to muse Huajun Chen and (writing) partner ReaperRain. I also dedicate this to all Zaniacs out there, like AlukaKaiserin.
You may notice there's no "Troubleshooting" section. I feel that it's kind of like the FAQs, so I sorta combined the two sections.
Huh? Guess you're wondering where I got my Fan Fictioneer License? Out of a Crackerjack box? Maybe…