She went on a Thursday. Because, according to Officer Catorce,
the base would be empty on Thursday. The officers, and all other personnel,
that had remained there had all been permitted to go home after word of
Colonel Treize Khushrenada's death had reached the OZ bases on Earth. No
one would be there, except maybe some maintenance crews, till after the
official funeral and the seven days of mourning called for by the members
of the Romafeller Board sympathetic to Khushrenada.
Pausing on the lower stairwell, Relena Derlian took in
the severe, metal interior of the base. In the early morning winter light,
the hallways looked ghostly. An unearthly quiet hung over the abandoned
decks and darkened corridors. She couldn't imagine what it would be like
to live in such a place. Iie, she thought, shaking her head, I
wouldn't want to live here at all. Especially not now. Not after...
Sighing, Relena put one hand on the cool, metal handrails
of the stairs. She couldn't allow herself to think too deeply about what
she was doing there, at that base. Thinking too much would only make her
cry. And she had promised herself not to cry.
Taking a deep breath, she continued her silent ascent.
Officer Catorce's voice echoed down towards her, as he took the ring of
room keys they had driven to Sector TY6 to get and tried to fit one of
them, the one marked 4R, into the keyhole. When she reached his side, he
was cursing silently to himself, twisting the key inside an unwilling lock.
Relena smiled to herself, her expression sad and pitying. It was obvious
that he was uncomfortable to be there. Without saying a word, she put a
reassuring hand on his arm. He sagged with relief for a moment, stopping
to sigh, then smiled at her in silent gratitude.
"Thanks," he murmured, "but I'm all right. I don't like
having to do this, you're right, Miss Relena, but I just couldn't let the
others do it. They're much more sentimental than foolish Catorce."
With one last, forceful twist at the key, the lock finally
gave way. Catorce stood away from the door and sighed. "There we go." Smiling
grimly, he held the door open for Relena to pass. She stopped before going
in and smiled up at him, her hands folded calmly over her waist.
"Thank you, Catorce. I know this must be very hard for
you..."
The young officer smiled warmly, touched by the young
lady's concern. But he shook his head. "No. No, Miss Relena. I'll be fine.
It's you I'm really worried about. Will you be all right?"
Relena looked into the empty room for a moment. Her eyes
were not yet accustomed to the darkness, and all that she could make out
was the dark silhouette of the bed, framed against the pale, ghostly shimmer
of the glass windows. She sighed softly. It was so simple to tell others
not to feel uncomfortable, so long as they themselves did not try to do
the same. She could remain calm, she knew she could. But only if Catorce
did not try to reassure her. He meant good, and she thanked him for it.
But
sometimes, even the best intentions can backfire on us.
Turning, she smiled warmly at Catorce. "Is it all right,
I mean, if it's not a bother, if I could be left alone? I won't be long,
I promise."
Catorce bowed gravely. "Of course, Miss Relena. I will
not bother you." With the short, precise movements of the military youth,
he reached beside the door of the room and switched on the lights. Relena
raised one hand slightly against the momentary brightness. She could hear
the soft thud of the brown paper packets they had brought with them as
Catorce reached into the room and placed them inside. She lowered her hand,
the momentary brightness of the light receding.
"Most of his things are really just scattered over several
bases," Catorce was saying, standing at rigid, unconscious, attention,
his eyes fixed grimly on some distant point, "H-He moved around a lot,
in the last months. Onze and Baker are over at Nairobi right now. They'll
bring whatever they find here. If you'd like to come back on..." He stopped
then, closing his eyes, and bowed briefly. "Forgive me," he murmured, "I
wasn't thinking..."
Relena shook her head and put out a reassuring hand. "It's
all right. I'm fine."
Catorce sighed. "Oh, God," he murmured under his breath.
Relena lowered her head, folding her hands over her waist tightly. She
did not dare say a word. It seemed forever till the young officer took
one last, deep breath and began again.
"M-most of his things are here, though. And since you
are the only remaining familiar..."
Catorce looked down, unable to go on. He sighed before
pulling off a habitual salute. When he lowered his hand, Relena reached
out. Catorce looked down at her delicate hand over his own. He smiled softly
and looked into her eyes. Relena saw the silent thank you reflected
in his eyes, and she squeezed his hand gently, hoping to give him some
strength. For a moment, they just stood there, the light from the empty
room spilling out into the hall, illuminating Catorce's closely cropped,
auburn hair, enveloping Relena in the shadows.
As she stood back, he saluted again. This time, with deep
respect. She watched him turn on his heel sharply and go to the stairs,
his boots clicking hollowly on the metal floor. He looked back once, from
the head of the stairs, smiling. She raised one hand in a gesture of farewell,
and doing likewise, assuring her that he would remain near the car at all
times, should she need him, he went on his way.
The echo of his steps on the stairs stayed with her for
a while, as she stood before the doorway of the empty room 4R, uncertain.
The overhead light made it seem smaller, much too bright. Impersonal. Perhaps
it was for the best. She was not sure what her reaction would have been
if the room had seemed more relaxed, more familiar.
But what did I really know about him? I hardly knew
who he was. The OZ officers know more about him than I do. Onisama...
Taking a deep breath, she settled her shoulders into a
straight line, willing her pulse to slow down again. Courage, Relena.
You can do this. You wanted to do this, remember? That's why you went through
all the trouble of getting the special permit. Don't back away now...
Sighing, she closed her eyes. All of her words sounded so meaningless,
empty.
The empty room before her was militarily spartan. There
was nothing in the room other than the modest furnishings provided by the
military base. A bed, a night table, its lamp's shade turned down, a chest
of drawers, and a wooden trunk pulled up to the foot of the bed. A wall
closet spread out beside the night table, it's doors closed.
There were no pictures, no forgotten communication pad,
nothing in the room save these furnishings. Taking a tentative step forward,
Relena wondered if perhaps all of her trouble in coming here had been for
nothing. She bent down to pick up the brown paper packets Catorce had left
by the door and set them on top of the chest of drawers. She untied the
packets slowly. It certainly seemed as if she wouldn't be needing much
paper, if any at all.
She spread one leaf of paper on the chest's surface and
turned once again towards the empty room. Her gaze travelled slowly across
the surface of the bare furnishings. The light from the overhead bulb made
them stand out in a shrill, yellowesque shimmer. Going over to the night
table, she checked to see if the lamp was plugged in, then switched it
on.
As she switched off the overhead light, she turned to
look at the room again. Now it looks better. The light from the
lamp was muted and warm, reminding her of the hotel rooms she had lodged
in so many times with her father, whenever she had been permitted to travel
with him.
Otosama Slowly, she sat on the edge of the bed,
her hands folded over her lap. Outside the room's only window, she could
see the north wing of the base, green moss growing beneath the leaking
air conditioner stumps sticking out onto the open, chilled air. Snow still
lay, fresh and crystalline, over the silent, yawning window sills and air
conditioner stumps. Beyond the north wing's wall, she could see the downcast
winter sky, interrupted here and there by a telephone pole. Only a few
black birds were perched on the wires, their calls muted by the cold air
and the closed window. They seemed so lonely.
Relena sighed as she turned her face towards the head
of the bed, feeling the cool metal sting her skin. She closed her eyes.
Thinking about her father would do her no better than thinking too deeply
about her brother. Still, she could feel a dull pain pulsing at her throat,
squeezing gently at her heart. Too many images were flooding into her mind.
She raised her hands, striving to block them out, to steady herself, but
they would not go away. Lady Une shoving her roughly aside, flinging
her compact towards the window of the room her father was in, the thin,
metallic smell of useless medicine as those strange men had taken her father
and her, the coarse fabric of the covers that were placed over her father's
still face, the sheer panic she had felt as she picked up the gun, aiming
it at those men that had done nothing for her father.
Shaking her head, Relena stood up. She smoothed down the
folds of her plain, black skirt. Easy, Relena. Keep your head. She
put a hand to her brow, moving aside her bangs, and massaged her temples
slowly.
It was a while before she squared her shoulders firmly
again and turned her attention to the drawers of the night table. She bent
down and pulled the bottom drawer out. Empty. Sighing softly, she closed
it again, reaching up to open the next one. She frowned slightly as she
pulled it out, its hinges creaking. A white shirt was neatly folded inside,
the sleeves resting over the front. She took it out slowly, almost reverently,
and ran a hand across its surface. It felt silky to the touch, softened
by the slight shill in the room, lying, quiet and dormant, in the corners
of the table's drawers. Resting gently now over the silk of the forgotten
shirt she now held in her hands.
Leaning her back on the bedside, she unfolded it slowly,
holding it up to the light. Judging from the long, decorative neck, it
must have been a part of the OZ uniform. But why would he leave it here?
Turning it around, she thought she found the reason why. A slight tear
ran down one of its sides. Looking at it closely, she could see a few,
somewhat clumsy stitches sewn on it. She smiled. Did you try to fix
it yourself, Onisama? Your stitches are too wide.
Folding it again gently, she stood up. She lay it on the
bed, careful not to wrinkle it too much. She was, she had to admit, not
very good at folding clothe in a military fashion. She tried to imitate
her brother's folds as best as she could, but it still looked messy. She
smiled, shaking her head.
Turning, she tried the very top drawer. Empty as well,
save for a lone, rusty paper clip. But that has probably been lying
there even before Onisama ever came to this base. Closing the drawer,
she turned her attention to the closet.
She ran a hand slowly down its surface, feeling the dust
settle on her fingertips. She turned her palm over, looking at how the
dust caught the dim light of the lamp, turning it a strange, metallic brown.
The closet doors came open with a slight tug. Narrowing
her eyes, she leaned forward to look inside. The light coming from the
lamp was too weak to illuminate the entire closet, and the furthest end
remained in shadows. She tried not to become too disappointed at the fact
that there was nothing in the closet save empty clothe hangers. There weren't
even any empty shoe boxes. She sighed as she pulled open the left closet
door. There were several compartments there, hidden in the shadows.
She was about to reach out a hand, to try and open the
nearest compartment, when she drew back. There's. Someone--
"I'm sorry. Did I bother you? I'm sorry. You can go ahead
and open it, if you'd like to."
Hands buried deep into a thick winter coat, an empty,
brown paper bag held beneath her arm, a young woman stood by the door,
her smile sad, but warm. She walked slowly into the room, almost as if
she were afraid to. Her gaze passed slowly over Relena's paper packets
and leaf of paper spread out on the chest of drawers. She lay her paper
bag beside them, careful not to put it too close.
Turning, burying her hands deeper into her coat, she smiled
at Relena once again. "Hello, Relena."
"Hello, Noin."
Folding her hands across her waist, Relena could do nothing
but look at the floor. She could not bring herself to look up and see the
sadness reflected in the older woman's eyes. She could hear her as she
took careful steps around the room, could hear as her hands ran slowly
across the surface of the furnishings, the bare walls, the dust, and the
memories they must surely have evoked within her.
Noin's steps came close by her, and Relena felt the woman's
hand squeeze her shoulder gently.
"We must have come for the very same reason," she said
quietly. Relena kept her gaze fixed on the floor, her throat refusing to
work. "It's all right, Relena. You can keep looking. I can go away if you'd
like..."
"No. Please. You can stay, Noin. I... I could use some
company."
Noin smiled, patting Relena's shoulder. Putting one finger
carefully under her chin, she lifted her face gently up Relena
did not try to pull away, but Noin could see that it pained her to look
at her. The older woman strove not to hang her head. It would only sadden
Relena further, and Relena needed her strength now, not her tears.
She smiled, hoping that her smile would reassure the young
girl. "I came to look for a photograph. The boys down at Nairobi told me
that they'd found no pictures over there, so I thought that perhaps it
was here."
Relena shook her head, trying to clear it. When she spoke,
her voice sounded frail and small, but she could not make it stronger,
try as she might. "I'm afraid you won't find much here. I've only found
an old shirt..."
Noin laughed quietly to herself as she saw the shirt lying
on the bed. Walking over the bed, she picked it up. Relena closed her eyes
and turned away as she saw Noin hold it close to her chest, her eyes misting
over. She saw, from the corner of her eye, as Noin brushed away at her
tears quickly, placing the shirt back on the bed. Her fingertips trailed
across the buttons of the front for an instance, before she turned again
to Relena, her smile radiant.
"He tried to fix that one while he was still at Victoria.
I was teaching him how to do it, but he never had a chance to finish, because
Graduation time had come, and he had been moved to a new base a couple
of days later. I guess he must have taken it with him." Noin shook her
head, laughing to herself, momentarily lost in her own memories. "Oh, Zechs,"
she murmured.
Looking at the shirt, Relena couldn't help but smile,
the lump in her throat slowly easing. "His stitches were too wide." Noin
laughed. "Yes, they were. He got the hang of it later on, though."
Noin walked towards the closet then, and Relena watched
her move in silence. She couldn't quite imagine her brother, that quiet,
driven man she had met during those last, frantic days aboard White Fang's
Lybra Base, actually fixing his own clothe. She always assumed he had left
other people do it for him. Like she had.
She blushed slightly at that guilty thought, and was glad
to hear that Noin had begun talking again. She had opened one of the closets
many compartments, moving across them with the ease of someone who had
lived out of drawers for quite a long time. Peering over Noin's shoulder,
Relena was surprised to see that these drawers did have things inside them.
She sighed silently to herself, hoping that Noin would not hear her. She
had hoped to be able to find at least some of his things on her own. Still,
she did not want to hurt Noin's feelings.
"He was always hiding his things," Noin was saying, "I
guess it came from wearing that mask. He could never hide the material
things well enough from me, though. I knew, somehow, that he'd choose to
stash them away in places like these." Stopping, Noin laughed softly. "Sometimes,
he hid things so well, I think he clear forgot about them. He could be
so narrow minded at times."
"Yes," Relena said quietly.
Noin stopped in her almost girlish rummage of the compartment's
drawer and turned to face Relena, her clear blue eyes sad, muted. "Iie,
Relena. Don't judge your brother based on what he did before the end. That
was not the Zechs Marquise I knew."
"No. That was Mirialdo Peacecraft."
Noin stepped away from Relena, her head falling against
the closet's open door. Relena looked away. She had not meant to hurt Noin's
feelings, but she simply could not understand why Noin would have loved
her brother so much. He had been so cold...
"Forgive me, Noin. I didn't mean--"
"It's all right. I know. You have no idea how I suffered,
seeing him during those last days. He was like a complete stranger to me..."
Stepping forward, Relena tried to reach out for Noin's
shoulder, but Noin merely shook her head and smiled sadly. "I'm fine."
Relena lowered her head. She could find no words to say, only forgive
me. She heard her voice crack as she said it, Noin becoming a blur
of black and military green before her eyes. She couldn't even quite explain
what was coming over her, but her throat hurt. She couldn't swallow. Her
words sounded far away, as if they belonged to someone else.
She didn't even try to put up a fight of dignity as she
felt Noin's arms wrap around her, pulling her close, stroking her hair.
She could hear Noin's voice as if from a great distance away, and she just
lay in her arms, suddenly weak. Don't cry, Relena. Don't cry. She
shut her eyes tightly, squeezing the tears that threatened to spill dry.
Taking a deep breath, she stood away from Noin's embrace.
She coughed slightly, arranging the folds of her skirt. She could feel
Noin's eyes on her. "I'm sorry," she hear Noin say. "I shouldn't have said
that. It was selfish of me."
"No, it's all right, Noin. It's I who should not have
said
those things. I hardly knew my... my brother. I was being rude and--"
She stopped suddenly. Noin was holding out a brown envelope
towards her. She smiled as she pressed it into Relena's palms, patting
her hands gently. "What...?" Relena mouthed weakly. Noin only smiled, and
Relena turned the envelope over in her hands. There were no other marks
on the outside save for a pre printed OZ logo. Relena frowned disapprovingly
at it, but drew back the envelope's flap. She was perplexed to see that
Noin was nodding at her, her smile steady, expectant.
Curious, Relena turned the envelope over onto her palm,
emptying out its contents. She drew back, startled, as a couple of loose
photographs fell out, some of them scattering onto the floor. Noin bent
down to pick up the few that had fallen, while Relena turned over the ones
which had remained in her palm.
Onisama. The photos in her hand looked old, some
even had the rectangular shape of old flash cameras. They must have been
taken over the course of many years, because in some of the photos his
hair was shorter than she remembered it to be. She flipped the photos in
her hand slowly, enthralled.
There were many different people in the photographs: a
young man with goggles holding an empty green tray before a wall that read,
in faded letters, Mess Hall A, a curly haired man leaning against
some rails, holding up his thumbs, his smile comical, and Noin, her hair
longer, standing beneath a palm tree, her smiling face turned towards someone
not in the picture. Lastly, there was her brother.
She held his photograph over the others, pausing to look
at it closely. He was standing in a lighted hall, very much like the ones
she had seen, darkened and empty, as Catorce had led her to this room.
His face looked directly at the camera, hidden beneath the sharp features
of the silver mask he had worn while he had still been Zechs Marquise.
He was smiling, and Relena turned the picture slowly in her hands, wondering
at that smile. It seemed so kind, so peaceful. She had never seen him smile
like that.
Looking up, she saw Noin's face, still smiling softly.
"When--?" she started to ask. Noin sighed, her smile unwavering. "I took
that when I first met him at Victoria. It has almost been three years now
since then. He must have been about sixteen when I took that."
Sixteen. Just one year older than I am now. Looking
at the picture again, she could see now that he did in fact look leaner,
younger, than what she remembered. It was the mask that made him seem so
old. Relena sighed softly, running her fingers slowly over the photograph,
over the mask. If only I could take this off. To see his eyes. Could
they have looked as they did when I met him...? Maybe they looked like
Hiro's...
"He thought he had lost these photos. He had wanted to
look for them, but then everything got so out of hand. He never had the
chance. I... I promised him that I would look." Noin's voice failed her
then, and she stammered slightly, one hand rising to massage the bridge
of her nose. "I-I never had a chance to tell him that... that..." Turning
away, Noin looked up at the impassive metal ceiling, willing the damn tears
to just go away. She took a deep breath, swallowing the lump that had risen
in her throat. "I never had a chance to tell him that I'd found them. I
left them there for him... I guess I had forgotten I had, myself..."
Unable to look into Noin's face, Relena moved the picture
behind the others. There was another photograph behind it. It was him again,
older this time. He looked just as she remembered him, his mouth set in
a silent, grim line. He was looking away, at someone she couldn't see.
Her fingers tightened around the borders of the photo as she gazed at it.
She wanted to be able to know what it was he had been doing when the picture
had been taken. What was going through your mind, Onisama? Why do you
look like that? Can you hear me, see me? It's Relena. I'm looking at your
photograph. Onisama.
As she looked up, she saw Noin holding out one last photograph.
She could see that the older woman had been battling down tears, and she
felt her heart contract painfully inside her chest as she took the photo
from her silently. "The others are all pictures of Otto and the boys,"
Noin said quietly. Relena could detect a sadness in her voice as she said
the name Otto, and she did not have to ask why. Otto must be dead as
well...
She felt a bit uncomfortable as she looked down at the
picture Noin had given her. All of the people in the photographs seemed
to be dead, gone. She did not want to think about how Noin must have been
feeling. She had know these people as more than just companions of war.
They had been friends. And lover... But Relena had no chance to
continue her thought.
Blinking, she looked up at Noin, confused. "But-but how--?"
she mouthed. Noin only smiled, her eyes slightly mischievous.
"It was a personal photo. I promised never to show it,
and I never did. He never even saw it again."
Still perplexed, Relena looked down at the photo. It was
him again, but this time, for some reason Relena did not want to fathom,
he was not wearing his mask. He was leaning against a wooden, panelled
wall, his hands inside the pockets of his pants. His military coat was
hanging, unbuttoned, down across his bare chest. He did not even look like
himself. There was a strange light in his eyes, strikingly clear and blue.
His smile was too open, strangely sensual. Relena found herself blushing
slightly, and she could feel Noin's mischievous amusement. "H-he looks
so... so..."
"Handsome?"
Noin laughed at her own joke, but hugged Relena to her
as she saw the young lady blush scarlet. "Iie. Iie. Yodan yo. Just joking.
I only wanted to make us both smile again. And you see? I did."
Without knowing quite when, Relena had begun to laugh,
too. She wasn't sure if it was out of sheer embarrassment, or simply because
of the expression of guilty pleasure in Noin's face. It didn't really matter
to her, it felt good to laugh out loud again.
Noin wiped away the tears of mirth as she stepped away
from Relena, still chuckling to herself. She looked at the photo one more
time, her smile growing slightly wistful, and Relena couldn't help but
be touched by the love she saw reflected in her eyes. Sighing, Noin brought
all the pictures together, slipping them back inside the envelope. "But
your brother was pretty darn handsome, you know, whatever else he
might have been."
Relena felt herself blush again, and Noin patted her shoulder
kindly. "This is what I came to take. Do you mind me taking them, Relena?
Perhaps you want to keep them yourself." Relena shook her head, smiling.
"Iie. I can see that they mean a lot to you, it wouldn't be right of me
to take them." Squeezing her shoulder gently, Noin smiled in gratitude.
Putting the envelope in a pocket of her coat, Noin held
out her hand to Relena. She took it silently, hoping that her eyes reflected
all of the words she could not say. Noin squeezed it once, before she pulled
off a sharp, respectful salute and turned to go. Relena watched her leave
in silence, thankful for the other woman's understanding.
Noin looked back once, smiling, before she stepped out
the door, her brown paper bag once again below her arm. Her footsteps sounded
briefly on the steps leading down, strangely hushed and dignified in the
cold emptiness of the abandoned base.
Going to the window, Relena watched her exit the building,
her gaze turning briefly towards the window where she stood, and go to
the jeep she had parked beside Catorce's. She flung her paper bag unto
the back, the door slamming with a sharp thud as she got in and turned
the ignition key. for a moment, she just sat there, her hands gripping
the steering wheel, and Relena could feel the painfully slow beat of her
heart again. Noin was trying so hard not to cry. Her shoulders shook with
the effort, her mouth trembling. Relena saw her square her shoulders sharply
as she turned the key again, the engine's cough startling the lonesome
birds on the telephone wires, and backed the car down the street.
Relana watched as the car turned and moved away, leaving
its tracks on the snow, its back burner staining the white grey. She lay
the palm of her hand on the cold window pane, her fingertips tingling slightly,
in a silent farewell. She could feel the oppressive emptiness of the room
behind her, and she did not want to turn around and face it yet. She leaned
her forehead against the glass of the window, watching till she could no
longer Noin's car. When it had gone completely beyond her sight, she turned
around slowly.
The room greeted her in muted, tired silence. It seemed
bigger now with Noin gone. The closet doors lay open, yawning into a dimly
illuminated abyss. They seemed to mock her with their emptiness.
So. Onisama. I came here looking for you, but what
little I did find of you cannot belong to me.
Hanging her head sadly, Relena moved to close the doors of the closet.
As she placed the left door's edge on the rolling bar at the foot of the
closet, her attention was caught by a dimly shimmering bundle placed by
the back. She stopped in her actions, reaching a hand out towards it.
As she pulled it out, she saw that it was a black clothing
bag, the kind used to put away party clothe and old letters. She set it
carefully on the floor, drawing the zipper back slowly. She pulled the
flaps back and settled on the floor comfortably, pulling the heavy bag
unto her thighs.
Leaning on the now closed left closet door, Relena took
the bag's contents out slowly. It's Onisama's tuxedo... A bit perplexed,
she held up the ensemble's white shirt. What's it doing here? She
turned the shirt over in her hands, finally laying it down beside her.
The pants were folded over a hanger, neatly pressed. The tuxedo's jacket
had a hanger all for itself, the bow tie clipped beside it. Relena ran
her hands slowly over the jacket's front. It felt soft to the touch, slightly
cold from having been kept away fro so many days. He must have come
here before he died, but when?
As she ran her hands across the jacket, she felt something
lying inside one of the pockets. Careful not to wrinkle the fabric, she
undid the pocket's buttoning and reached inside. She pulled out a square
of folded, cream coloured paper. She smiled softly, it reminded her so
much of her father. It seems we all forget things in our pockets.
Unfolding it carefully, she settled back comfortably to take a closer look.
The paper had been scribbled on hastily, probably aboard some plane, or
perhaps even a Mobile Suit, but she had no trouble making out the words.
Is
this Onisama's hand writing? How tiny. Squinting slightly, she tried
to read the small, neat words written out on the paper. It was hard to
see by the light of the lamp, now that it was beginning to get darker outside,
snow clouds threatening on the horizon.
Relena frowned slightly. It was a speech. Probably the
one he had given while he had toured the Colonies as Mirialdo Peacecraft.
Sighing, she folded the paper again. Seeing his words in paper was like
hearing him again, in that space shuttle. The space shuttle you did
not think twice about as you aimed a shot a the Earth, Onisama.
She placed the papers inside the pocket again, fastening
the button close again. Did I matter to you at all, Onisama? Did anyone
matter more than your ideals to you? Even Noin? Leaning back against
the closed door, Relena closed her eyes, running her hand silently over
the shirt she had laid beside her. Even now, even after she had seen Noin's
photographs, where her brother had not seemed merely a soldier, but a human,
capable of truly smiling, not even now did she feel close to her brother.
She felt distant among his things, touching the tuxedo he had worn. It
all seemed unreal somehow.
Lifting up the shirt, she brought it to her face. It felt
soft, smooth, cold. Like any other shirt. But It was Onisama's shirt.
Doesn't that mean anything, Relena? Closing her eyes, she buried her
face deeper into the soft fabric. It smelled faintly of flesh, if she inhaled
deeply enough. Your scent. I should have known this scent better than
my own, but I only felt it once, aboard the Lybra, when you held me. I
did not understand you then, Onisama, and I don't understand you now.
Lowering her hands, she looked at the white shirt lying,
crumpled now, in her arms. It looked creamish by the muted light of the
lamp. Looking at it, Relena felt a strange longing she could not understand
come over her. She ran her fingers over the fabric slowly. Her throat was
beginning to hurt again, and she did not want it to.
Curse you, Onisama. Why did you have to be that way?
What did you think you were doing then? Frowning,
she slapped the shirt, feeling her arm strike only the clothes bags. Her
lip trembled slightly. And curse me, too. Because I didn't hold you
then, when I had the chance. How could you, Onisama? How could you die
without letting me hug you?
Her throat was throbbing now and she was finding it hard
to breath. She knew it wouldn't be long before she would start to cry like
a fool and she hated herself for that. But, she felt as if she hated her
brother more. Brothers did not die. He should have been here now, to comfort
her, to tickle her and say some stupid joke. To tease her. Like her friend's
brothers did.
Looking down, Relena watched, silently, as a tear spilled
down over the white shirt, spreading slowly over the fabric. She went on
staring as more tears fell down. She felt them trail down her cheeks and
into her mouth, salty and bitter. And she couldn't make them stop. She
lifted her arms, hoping to dry them with the shirt, but instead, she buried
her face in it again. She could feel his scent now, caressing her nostrils,
and for a moment, she could feel his arms around her, could feel the slow
cadence of his breast as he drew her near to him. I did not hug you
back then, Onisama. I didn't hug hug you. And I am so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I should have put my arms around you. I should have said something. Anything.
But I didn't. And I'm sorry.
The tears were running down her cheeks now, bitter, stinging
her skin. She could taste them in her lips, could feel them stain the shirt.
But she couldn't make them stop. She heard herself speak aloud, her voice
trembling and hoarse, whispering ridiculous, empty phrases, making her
heart ache.
"I'm sorry Onisama, I stained your shirt..."
Hearing her voice only made her cry harder and she wrapped
her arms around the shirt in a useless gesture. I'll hug you this time,
Onisama. I promise. Come back, please. I want to know you, Onisama. Come
back.
Letting her head fall back, she heard herself cry out,
her voice small and frail. She didn't know how she had somehow laid out
her side, her brother's shirt cradled in her hands, lying, crumpled and
wet with tears, beside her cheek. She could feel the cold floor cutting
through her bones, dragging her back to reality. She lay there for a while,
silent, her eyes stinging with the salt in her tears. It seemed to her
that she would be there forever, crushed beneath the weight of his scent
and his distance. His great, aching void of 15 lonely years. But, It's
all right, Onisama. I don't hate you for that. Not really...
Picking herself up, she whipped the trails of her tears
away, steadying herself. She looked around for a moment, slightly disoriented,
before she stood up slowly, the shirt still in her hand. She crushed it
to her chest, before folding it back inside the clothes bag. Picking it
up, laying it across the bed, she closed it again. For a while she stood
there, holding it against her chest, steadying herself, feeling as the
cold sharpness of the bag brought her back to reality.
Sighing, she placed it back inside the closet. She would
have to tell Catorce that she had found it, but she dared not want to take
it. It belonged there, in the darkened corner her brother had chosen for
it.
Turning, she went to the bed, still sniffling silently,
running the back of her hand across her nose. A small smile came to her
lips as she envisioned both her father and brother silently admonishing
her for such behaviour. But her smile was soon replaced by the grimace
of threatening tears, and she shook her head against such thoughts. She
turned her attention instead to tying the shirt she would take into the
bundle. She found some comfort in the mechanical actions of folding the
brown paper and tying the knot.
Packet in hand, she switched off the lamp and picking
up the unused packets, she walked to the door. She stopped only once, turning
her head to see the room one last time. It still looked just as empty and
as impersonal as it had ever looked. Hanging her head, her heart heavy,
she began to descend the metal steps. The way seemed longer now, somehow,
the packet in her arm seeming to weight a ton.
When she finally emerged, the weak winter light seemed
much too bright. She squinted slightly as she made her way to Catorce's
waiting jeep, her boots crushing on the snow. Catorce must have gone into
one of the snack bars nearby. He had left his uniform's cap lying on the
jeep's dashboard, but the keys still hung, limp and silent, from the ignition
slot.
Relena placed her packet and the remaining papers on the
back seat, her fingers lingering for a while over the careful knot she
had made. Stepping back, she turned her head to give one last look up towards
her brother's empty room.
The window lay dark and mute above her and she closed
her eyes. When she opened them, she gave a step back, uncertain. For an
instant, she thought she had seen her brother up there, looking down at
her. Bringing her hands up, she rubbed her eyes, turning to look again.
And this time, she could see him. Standing straight, in
full, red uniform, his hand raised in a quiet, dignified salute, his smile
slightly tight beneath his mask. As his hand lowered, it seemed to Relena
that she could see him as he had been near the end. His pale bangs obscuring
his eyes, his smile sad. He looked down at her with melancholy, his eyes
muted. For as moment, Relena wanted to walk towards him, to rush up the
stairs and run into his arms.
She took a step forward. And she saw him smile, his hand
lowering from its salute, his eyes becoming bright, kind. His lips parted
briefly to form a word, his smile still melancholic, but warm. Relena.
Smiling, Relena raised her hands, reaching out towards
him. Here I am, Onisama. But the vision faded then, and her hands
were reaching out for empty air. The window lay silent and dark before
her, her hands lying worthless and aching before her.
But as she lowered them, she smiled, remembering the kind
look she had seen in her brother's eyes. Onisama. I am no closer to
understanding you now then I ever was, but I don't think that I need to.
Looking up at the darkened window, she fancied that she
could still see him again, bowing gravely to her, a smile reflected on
his
eyes. Taking up the corners of her skirt, she curtsied low. When she looked
up again, the window was again silent and empty. Relena felt the tears
begin to form in her eyes again, but she smiled, her smile sweet, embracing,
warm.
"Goodbye, Onisama."
Turning, the cold wind playing idly with the hem of her
skirt, she walked towards the nearby stores, ready to look for Catorce,
ready to go home again. behind her, she could feel the quiet, watchful
eyes of her brother, his hand rising slowly to rest beside her cheek. In
the distance, she heard the deep rumbling of the incoming snowstorm. The
birds cried out from their perches on the telephone poles. It was a quiet
thursday.
(c) February 26-March 13, 1997. Gundam Wing, and all of
its characters hereof, is (c) 1995 Sunrise Entertainment. You may only
use this story if you've first hunted down my permission, my friend. Anything
else is considered breaking some sort of law. Thank you. And thank you
for reading, bloke.