For Sheffiesharpeand our extremely exciting (at least on my end!) fic exchange. I'm sorry if this is not my best effort but I hope you enjoyed regardless!

And a big hearty tip of the hat goes to the brilliant Threewalls, who talked me through the fic and let me steal the excellent idea of Vayne's... well, you'll soon find out. If you haven't read her fics-- especially the excellent Larsa/Penelo The Gold and The Purple-- you really ought to do so. This is a total shout-out to her.

Also, the format and layout of this fic was a slightly-off-kilter experiment, so I would truly love some feedback here. I haven't written in anything other than third-person limited POV in a ridiculously long time so I'm venturing beyond my comfort zone here. Did it end up bringing the funny after all…?

Fandom: FFXII

Characters/Pairings: Larsa/Penelo/Vaan, Basch in cameos

Rating: Hard R

Summary:

Warnings: Beware Sexual Content, Cruelty to Judge Magisters and Fairly Terrible Jokes.

Based on the ever-firm advice of one imperial guardian, Judge Magister Gabranth, one Emperor of Archadia have decided to start one journal specifically dedicated to one overwhelming goal that, apparently, has been elusive even to one Imperial Majesty in one of the grandest empires in Ivalice.

Namely, getting into the stylized panty lines of one lady sky pirate who has somehow eluded one's grasp since one barely had enough pubic hair to understanding elusive longings for her.

It has been six years, three months and twenty three days since self has met her. (Self has excellent memory.) It has been six years, two months and three days since self has had first... realization of love. (Self hit puberty running.) And it has been merely three days since self has felt body's last urgent longing for a passionate tumble in bed with her.

(Self has been, thanks to vow of eternal devotion taken precisely six years, two months and three days ago, kept track well.)

Right now, self has been getting extraordinarily desperate here. And when desperate times call for desperate measures, one must decide to go above and beyond merely consulting grizzled old men who might look extremely impressive in four tons of heavy armor but have likely not touched a living woman since own self still thought it feasible to run around in snug lavender trousers.

In such a case, one more or less has to invoke the wisdom of one's ancestors and throw self upon the mercy of Solidor Tomes of Time Past in order to understand how noble men of history past dealt with such... hard problems.

And yet, sometimes, one really have to wonder why fate itself is trying to complicate one's simple quest to turn a horizontal and increasingly scantily clad lady sky pirate into a pleasantly vertical one.

Could it be pay-back for the bloody family legacy that has left the entire continent strewn with orphans and dust?

Could it be justice for the difficult decisions that have to be made for the people's interest by any ruler worth the crown on his brow?

Or could it simply be karmic retribution for forcing Judge Gabranth to listen to affect a lisp, don a dress and pretend to be Penelo whilst enacting out scenes of grand passion in the future?

Shall have to ponder over this one some more in the future as plans of diabolical cunning slowly unfold...

After carefully thumbing through many of the ancient tomes of Archadian wisdom that hold many portents for the future, one can only come to one conclusion.

One really should already be in a fairy tale relationship with Penelo by now.

All the hallmarks were there! There was a handsome (if slightly… underdeveloped at the time) prince. There was a lovely (and considerably more developed) maiden in need of rescue. There was the impending fall of an empire. The political intrigue of a kingdom. The dramatic of finding the truth of one's family's secret sins. And most importantly, a dramatic rescue of said maiden from someone even self must admit was largest mobile feminine freshening equipment to ever done metallic undergarments in the service of his empire.

It was, in fact, more or less exactly like the Lady Ashe's short romance with the late Lord Rasler-- though one has to admit ours featured considerably better fashion and considerably less people stabbing either of us in the throat thanks to the above.

And by that extension of logic, one should already be bedded and wedded to said maiden-- though hopefully one would then escape the fatal decision to then ride after a foregone battle in gleaming white armor with strategic entry holes in the throat. And that still might be the case if only self could beguile said maiden into bed even once. Surely even one declaration of passion would change said lady sky pirate's mind! Surely an exchange of semen afterwards should serve as the glue with which to bond self's soul with her's!

But how to maneuver seductive lady sky pirate into a position where Solidor seed of sweet sexuality can work its magic upon her? And how to dispose of her adorably incompetent bodyguard-come-would-be-boyfriend at that point? Shall have to ponder this question some more for the future and (if feeling strong of stomach enough) see if anything lord brother left behind was any help at all...

Believe may have accidentally stumbled onto the primary source of semen love bonding sky pirate problems as of now, thanks to a few... disturbingly detailed notes on Drace and Original Flavor Gabranth found in lord brother's late chambers. And sadly enough, it turns out to be both a ridiculously obvious-- yet maddeningly difficult-- one to solve.

Unfortunately, after carefully perusing through Solidor protocols, have found absolutely nothing whatsoever on what to do when one is-- in own brother's interesting parlance-- cock-blocked by clinging and emotionally unstable nimrod of a partner. (Even if said nimrod does, have to grudgingly admit, sport a very well toned abdomen which self cannot quite sport yet. Damn age-related growth hormones. Self already is eighteen. Why have they not arrived at destination by now?)

In any case, it seems as though said lady sky pirate is much too-- if not madly in love, refuse to believe own lady can passionately love someone who still needs to take off shoes to count to 12-- attached to ridiculous sky pirating partner to want to leave him behind in her endeavors. To the extent that even said lady's dates with other men is said (is self using word quite so much? should consult Solidor hand guide to allowable extremities and mostly harmless perversions later) to include said sky pirating partner.

May have to wing this problem without guidance of ancestors. Shall have check in later.

Thank Gigas, self finally found a plausible solution. A threesome! By the disturbingly scaled nipples of Ultima, it would solve all possible problems. Why was this not written for future Solidors before? Self is absolute genius!

...Have run into immediate problem, though. Does male sky pirate in the coupling, given how selfishly he seems to enjoy the lady pirate's company, also enjoy the company of male others?

But then, Gabranth did reveal that Vaan did harbor a ridiculous ardor for the Lady Ashe for a few years and considering she likely has a bigger prick than any of the grown men she spent a year saving the world with, that could mean excellent tidings in the immediate future.

In any case, probably still worth a shot at getting him blurry eyed enough to mistake self for possible female. Never before has self appreciated the disturbing lack of sufficient testosterone within the royal bloodline so.

And though rearly chastity might be at stake, one, must think of the greater good for now!

However, just had a singularly horrifying thought. What if self is not attractive enough to carry plans of diabolical cunning out? What is self has peaked in terms of growth spurts and cannot look forward to anything more? What if all of Gabranth's reassurances about self having grown into self's Solidorian beak are truly worth nothing after all? (The man did walk around with a Rozarrian Cinco de Mayo stuck to his chest for a good few months, after all...)

What if... what if... what if...?!

...Ah well, if nothing else, can always get them terribly drunk with the most potent vintages Ivalice has to offer. A Solidor man can always hold his drink over and above the common folk, as guardians have always told self. And surely a pair of sky pirates-- not matter how street wise they might be-- could not possibly hold a candle to centuries of inbreeding and decades of managing to (mostly) not commit incest with immediate relatives, even when indecently drunk.

And now, to bait the trap. It's long since been time to use Vaan's inability to pass over a free imperial banquet for own's use now...

oh my just look theyre both natural blonds i cant wait to tell gabranth about this one mwahahaha thassa good one!

Dear god. Did not realize that it was possible to get ragingly drunk, lose one's virginity from an orgy, come to a screaming orgasm, force personal guardians to wield off other personal guards for sake of personal dignity, break hundred year old antique desk, ruin own aura of innocence and vulnerability and shame the thousand year old name of the noble House of Solidor... all in the course of the last twenty four hours.

Self is definitely both a greater genius and a worse drinker than self ever thought possible.

And by the horsey rear of Shemhazai, self's bottom is quite a bit sore now. Really should have thought through all possible side-effects including Vaan into the coupling. Or at least in that position. Though, hmm... hard to think of another where he would have the least contact with Penelo... and afford so much (alas, only in the moment-- when will that man learn to be gentle?) pleasure...

But on the other hand, am still recalling some rather fascinating visions of having two strapping blondes at my beck and call, enough to buoy me over any future serious cases of Gabranth directed lectures. Especially since said judge will soon be asked to cut down all those knots left behind, mend the wall lady sky pirate was taken against and clean up all those... blemishes that somehow mysteriously ended up in the ceiling.

Am still not sure how that last happened, actually. But considering self spent much time lounging on throne and watching sky pirating pair sucking on toes, nipples, ankles and any other conveniently protruding body parts, probably best not to ask just who those stains were from. Might never be able to look key Magisters in the eye if suspicions are correct on that one.

...Apparently, these personable sky pirates happen to be partners in very nearly everything they do. Though by the time self had Penelo on her back and Vaan on own bottom, was happily quite assured that self is now an integral part of their coupling, turning a lovely duet into an even more interesting trio performance. May have had to sacrifice integrity of one's rear temporarily but hearing not one but two voices chorus one's name was even better than was previously imagined.

Perhaps self is even more a genius than even self knew? Must record this finding for future generations of Solidors to emulate to their heart's content, amen and forever more.

In any case, harem now complete, life now splendid and bevy of blondes now beckoning self to bed presently. And right after arrangements are made to dispose of evidence of the defilement of the senate's storied board room-- the Honorable Judge Gabranth has to earn his extremely generous stipendsomehow-- self will retire to my bed-chambers. Which, not being a complete fool, self already had outfitted in advance for an occasion such as this one.

After all, though sky pirate love slaves might have ambushed one in the first place-- who knew all this time they were the real predators and self was the prey? apparently, they were simply waiting for self to properly grow up-- any true man of House Solidor always keeps a few secret options tucked up his sleeves.

And as good as they've already proved to be, nothing but nothing could possibly hold up to the very interesting suggestions handed down by the ages through the Secret Tome of Saucy Solidor Sex Scandals... especially when they feature blindfolds, candles and copious amounts of hot water.

God bless monomaniacal dead brother. He was good for something other than emotionally scarring prepubescent self after all.

Until later, one remains…

Larsa Ferrinas Solidor