A/N: THIS IS CO-AUTHORED!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOO! AND IT'S ABOUT TAMPONS AND HERMIONE GRANGER WHAT COULD BE BETTER?
Disclaimer- We. Own. Not. JKR. own. all. We. Heart. cave speak
Rating: M for strong language, certain descriptions, and brief sexual references
WARNING: BOYS BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!
"HELP!!!!!!!" Hermione cried storming into the girls' dormitory.
Ginny Weasley, Lavender Brown, and Parvati Patil turned to look at Hermione with a confused face. Hermione fell onto her bed and screamed into her red pillow.
"Mental much?" Lavender mumbled and giggled as Hermione threw her a death glare. Then Hermione threw her pillow with all her might at Lavender's face and with a 'humph' Lavender fell backwards off the bed.
"Why are you being a bitch? Are you PMSing or something? And what the hell do you need help with?" Ginny asked pulling Lavender back onto the bed.
"DON"T SWEAR GINERVA! I'll tell your mother! And I don't have fuckin PMS I have MS!" Hermione said as Ginny mumbled "You tell me not to swear."
"You have multiple scorosis?! (sp?)" Parvati asked.
"No, you git, I have Menstrual Syndrome!" Hermione screamed red in the face.
"Huh? You have MENstrual syndrome?! You're turning into a MAN?!" Lavender asked wide- eyed as she looked down toward Hermione's pants as if expecting her to grow a penis.
"NO! Are you that stupid?!" Ginny smacked Lavender on the back of the head with one of Hermione very large books.
"Lavender," Parvati said calmly, "she has her period." With that Parvati helped her friend back onto the bed.
"Oh, so what's the big deal?" Lavender asked.
"The big deal is that Ron finally asked me to be his girlfriend and our first date is today and we are going SWIMMING!!!!!! My period wasn't supposed to come for another fucking three days!!!!!" Hermione humphed and screamed a string of curse words into her pillow again.
"Again, what's the BIG DEAL?" Lavender repeated.
"I can't swim with pads and I don't have a bathing suit!!!!!" Hermione sadly looked up from her pillow then her head plopped back down.
"OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" The three other girls chorused and stared at her with mischievous glints in their eyes.
"Why are you looking at me like that?!" Hermione asked alarmed.
"Lavender, Parvati, go pick out a really sexy bathing suit Hermione can wear. Hermione come with me, I need to explain something to you." Ginny announced taking charge as she grabbed Hermione's hand and yanked her into the bathroom.
"This Hermione is a tampon. You are going to use this" Ginny said as she held up a plastic tube looking thing.
With incredible detail Ginny explained how to hold the tampon, how to use the tampon, where is goes and everything about a tampon.
"So, are you ready Hermione?" Ginny handed over the plastic tube looking thing Hermione now knows is a tampon.
"I guess. Can you wait outside the door though incase I need you." Hermione said.
"Of course, Lavender and Parvati will wait with me." Ginny exited the bathroom.
20 minutes later...
"I can't do it! Help me!!!!" Hermione cried finally as three girls barged in.
"GUYS!" Hermione yelped as she hurried to cover herself.
"Come on Hermione, we're all girls, we know what it looks like." Parvati said as she took a seat on the floor next to the toilet.
The girls coached Hermione for another 15 minutes.
"COME ON HERMIONE! IT'S HALF WAY IN!!!!" Ginny was bored sitting on the cold bathroom floor watching her friend attempt to put a tampon in.
"IT WON'T GO IN ANY MORE!" Hermione retorted with tears of frustration streaming down her face.
Ginny rolled her eyes, went and sat right under Hermione and with all her might pushed the tampon in as Hermione screamed "OWWWWWW!" and Parvati and Lavender laughed.
"There! Now hurry up or you'll be late!" Ginny said shoving the skimpy red string bikini into Hermione's hands.
"You have got to be kidding me! Where the hell is it. This is string." Hermione exclaimed.
"Just put it on, Ron would love it!" They said and Hermione hurriedly put it on.
Hermione was wearing the bikini and had the towel in her hand as she walked to the great oak doors. In the entrance hall she heard some one say behind her, "Hey baby, you wanna play some tonsil quidditch?"
Hermione, knowing that voice didn't even have to turn around. All she said was "Sod off ferret!"
As she was exiting the castle she heard Malfoy murmer "Ew, the mudblood looked hot."
Hermione stepped outside to the warm weather and strided toward Ron near the lake. As soon as Ron saw her his jaw dropped and he uttered the words "Have mercy!" Hermione blushes and suddenly feels self conscious. Ron's head tilted to the side as he said "Something is sticking out of your bathing suit." Hermione felt more self conscious and immediately her hands flew up to her bathing suit top.
"No, NO, not there! THERE!" Ron said as he pointed south of Hermione's belly button and looked away. Hermione gasped and looked down to see the string of a tube- like object she hated most right now. Hastily she shoved the string away as much as she could and blushed as she dragged Ron into the lake.
The date was the best... never mind, the ONLY date Hermione ever went on! They splashed around and had a water fight. Hermione successfully dunked Ron under water four times and Ron saved Hermione from the giant squid's clutches twice. They also learned a very important lesson; don't make out under water, it's harder to breathe than on land.
They clambered out of the water and Hermione realized she had to pee. Of course that was just what she told Ron. She knew that if you replaced the "p" with a "bl" and add a "d" at the end, that was what she really had to do.
Hermione burst through the oak doors and ran to the nearest bathroom only to realize that the string was no where to be found. She must have shoved it more forcefully than she thought. Hermione knew she had to find Ginny so she headed toward Gryffindor tower. She didn't look where she was going so of course she literally ran into someone and fell flat on her arse. She looked up to find Severus Snape looking at her in a way that made her very uncomfortable and the only thought that ran through her head was "damn, I left my towel outside!" She realized he was staring at her chest and she looked down to find her bathing suit top slightly askew and she hurriedly adjusted it.
Again she looked up and saw a sight that would scar her for life. Severus Snape had an erection... because of HER!!!! Hermione jumped up and mumbled a quick "goodbye professor" as she ran the rest of the way down the corridor. In the distance she heard "20 points from Gryffindor for lack of clothing and 30 points TO Gryffindor for being hot!" Hermione hoped she imagined those words.
"Pickled Tampons!" Hermione screamed the password and entered Gryffindor tower. Hermione saw Ginny on the plush red couch and dragged her to the girl's bathroom.
Hermione walked into the bathroom and as soon the door closed she burst into tears and pulled down her bikini bottoms.
"I can't find the string! It's not here! I don't know what to do! FIND IT FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!" Hermione exclaimed and pointed to her private area.
"Just stick your fingers up there and feel around for it!" Ginny managed to say through bursts of laughter.
"I can't do that you do it!" Hermione exclaimed.
"WHAT!? I'M NOT GOING TO FINGER YOU!!!!! Putting in the tampon was a different story, but I'm NOT putting my fingers up there!" The red head shrieked and watched as Hermione grimaced as she felt around for the stupid sting.
"Found it! Now what?" Hermione said and looked at Ginny patiently.
"Pull it out." Ginny answered.
"okay!" Hermione said and started to do just that before Ginny screamed.
"OVER THE TOILET!!!!!!!"
Five minutes later Hermione returned from the bathroom stall. Draped over her left shoulder like a purse was her bikini bottoms. Her left hand was holding a wad of loo paper to her private and her right hand was holding up a bloody used tampon.
"What now?!" Hermione smiled and tried to hand the used tampon to Ginny.
"No! Here's a new one. Dispose of that!" Ginny jumped back away from the offending bloody object. The brown haired girl hurriedly puts a new one in... all by herself and returns to her date. Before exiting the castle she checked to make sure the stupid string wasn't to be seen. She strided toward Ron who was sitting by the water's edge.
"Something's been going on and I think I know what." Ron stated casually.
"Really? Well what do you think is going on?" She asked as she promptly sat next to Ron.
"I think you took so long because you were abducted by aliens but then they found out you had your period and let you go." Ron smiled proudly.
"Ronald, there is no such things as alie... wait, you know I have my period?!" Hermione blushed wide- eyed.
"Well the tampon string did kind of give it away and I do have a sister!" Ron smiled as he and Hermione walked into the castle to have dinner.
Never again did Hermione have trouble with a tampon but she did have trouble facing Snape without remembering his cock hardened by a rush of blood.
A/N: sorry it was very OOC! We were being silly and Hermione can be bitchy if she wants when it is that time of month. Please don't flame. If you didn't find it funny then go read a boring story! Review if your nice and you shall by rewarded with virtual ice cream. If your mean then you will get pickled tampons! Good day!