Me, Myself, and Lucy

Dear Diary,

I never dreamed so many hideous people existed, let alone congregated in these rat mazes they call 'malls'. I'd thought at first I'd walked into a beast of the month look-alike contest! Since being defrauded of Dobby—who, by the way, might well be one of these creatures, they all look alike—I've been forced to do my own bidding. I really am a bastard of a taskmaster!

Today I set myself to purchase Christmas gifts for Narcissa and Draco. What was I thinking? I apparated into a large shop of some kind where a disembodied voice barks unintelligible commands. Apparently the Muggles understand this gibberish, because they nearly stampeded me in their rush to dig about in a bin of tacky sweaters, right before plowing over to the footwear department. I wasn't aware pigs needed shoes.

But I digress. I wandered the halls of this hellish labyrinth in search of jewelry, and to my great amazement found four—count themfour—shops of such merchandise at one intersection! Let's just say Draco's in for a surprise come Christmas. Oh, and I got some earrings for Narcissa.

As I passed innocently by a cosmetic counter, swishing my hair over my shoulder, a woman noting my uncommon beauty asked if she might style my locks in a demonstration for the repugnant onlookers. Just when I thought I couldn't get any more gorgeous, I discovered the joy of pigtails! The gaping apes around me couldn't take their eyes off me.

Let's be honest, who knew Muggles could read? To my astonishment, I found this to be true, inasmuch as I'm standing in a bookstore doing my part to educate the drooling fools by writing my adventure in this empty booklet. Then again, maybe these morons sell empty books because they can't read.

(BREAK)

The nerve of these Muggles! The proprietor of this establishment insists I buy this scribbled-in doodlepad. I countered by saying why would I want a diary someone had already written in? (no offense, Lord Voldemort) Long story short, I am now the proud owner of a pink Pokemon Gotta-Catch-Em-All notepad journal. Jigglypuff is cute, I think I'll conjure one up when I get home.

Dear Diary,

Jigglypuff was a bad idea. He sang me to sleep and I woke up with marker drawings all over my face. He'd also pounded my wife and son senseless, then he ran away. He was the best pet I ever had.

Dear Diary,

Lord Voldemort captured my Jigglypuff and threatened to do him bodily harm if I didn't return to the mall to find some, er, items for him. I don't recall seeing a vendor selling assless chaps or dominatrix paraphernalia. Unless he intends to molest the poor creature, I'm not convinced he's serious. Jigglypuff bitch slapped him, and I'm pretty sure he liked it. Nevertheless, my loyalty to the dark lord knows no bounds, unless there's something better in it for me.

I was unsuccessful in my quest for sadomasochistic articles, though an awful lot of people gave me their phone numbers. They're a lot friendlier than I thought. A couple of men even offered to give me free BJ's. I don't know what that is, but I can't wait to find out! I love free stuff!

Dear Diary,

Never accept anything free unless you know what it is. I felt so violated I could barely utter the Avada Kedavra curse at those pervs. I had to scourgify myself over and over and I still feel so dirty.

Dear Diary,

Today at the Ministry I met the perfect woman who, amazingly enough, was on her way to find me. Now that I think of it, she seems to have forgotten to mention why. She's tall, blond, dignified, snide, backstabbing, and just a little arrogant. I think I'm in love! She feels the same. Yes, Narcissa would probably disapprove if she knew, so I cast a spell on Lucy to make her look like Voldemort when she's in my home. It's really rather repulsive, actually. Thank goodness we weren't making love or I'd have vomited on her. (no offense, Lord Voldemort).

I've never before considered cheating on Narcissa, but Lucy is so charming, so stunning, such lovely hair—and she has a delightful wit that draws me in like flies to dung. Hmmm. Bad analogy.

Dear Diary,

Lord Voldemort met Lucy. The way he kept looking from her to me, I think he plans to kill me and ravish her. Her beauty must discombobulate him because a few times he called her Lucius by mistake. I'm flattered. Not thrilled at the idea of being murdered, but definitely flattered.

Dear Diary,

Lucy kissed me for the first time. It was better than exquisite, it was magical. I mean, I didn't bewitch her, it was the Muggle kind of magical, that meaning not magical at all. Now I've confused myself. I think I'll brush my hair.

Dear Diary,

I'm heartsick, and also covered in puke. Lucy said she had something to tell me, so I naturally assumed she meant to say I'm incredible in every way, including lovemaking—which we NEVER DID.

She said she'd originally come to the Ministry to find me because she'd discovered we're twins, she and I. I tossed chunks on her lap. After I finished sobbing like a little girl, I suggested we part ways like grown ups. Instead, she prattled on about how her wee-wee had got cut off by accident at birth, so they changed her into a girl, and although we're identical twins, I shouldn't think of it as loving a man. I barfed again.

Oh, God! Lucy is my brother!

XXXXXXXXXXX

Lucius woke up screaming. Narcissa, understandably concerned, kicked him in the shin and told him to pipe down.

"She—I—he," Lucius gasped, glancing hysterically around the room. "Where is she—he?"

"Who?"

"Lucy!"

"You had a nightmare. Go to sleep."

"You mean I didn't really buy Draco jewelry for Christmas and kill some perverts and fall in love with my twin?" he panted frantically.

"Really, Lucius! You're too in love with yourself to love a twin," she yawned. "Nighty-night."

Vain? Was she accusing him of being shallow and vain? It was incomprehensible, yet… Lucy had looked an awful lot like him, being identical and all. Lucius grabbed his wife and smothered her with kisses, copping a good feel to make sure she was real. Yep, they were real. Then he got out of bed.

"Where are you going?"

"To break every mirror in the house."

Mission accomplished, on his way back up the stairs, he could swear he caught sight of a Jigglypuff waddling into the kitchen.

The End