Warnings: Swearwords, innuendo, and references to other violent media ahead. Mostly swearwords. Turn back now if that's going to offend you.

Author's Notes: This made me laugh while writing it, just for the demented humor. I don't know what my original idea was here, but this is one my favorite pieces of randomness I've ever written. points to title It's supposed to be a warm, fuzzy moment at the end, too. XD

Disclaimer: I own nothing, because I'm poor and without a penny to my name, nor am I making profit off of this because every on this site is also poor and without a penny to their names. DX

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Lili did not need to be cuddled and snuggled and hugged.

She did not need physical contact, lots of mushy moments. Those things were beneath her and stupid and immature. She didn't like hugging, she hated snuggling and cuddling was sickening. Never, ever, Lili swore to herself, would she be caught dead engaging in any of those activities.

And she didn't cry, either, no matter what the injury or how bad the situation. She was not some wussy little kid like Elton or Dogen, she could handle a scrape and a bruise here and there. These kids acted like every papercut was a slashed artery. It was so stupid.

Then she broke her collarbone at camp.

Sasha was alerted to this by loud, harsh swearwords and several flaming squirrels rushing by. Alarmed, he left the Main Lodge (where he had, six hours previous, asked for a hamburger – it was half done now) and ran to the fallen, swearing, twitching camper. Heavy emphasis on the word swearing.

"Oh, shit," Sasha said calmly, looking at her with sympathy. "How did that happen?"

"Bobby fucking Zilch," Lili breathed, and cringed as she struggled to stand up. "Remind me to shoot that motherfu-"

"Miss Zanotto, you don't need to be engaging in any more physical activity at this point in time," Sasha scolded gently, pushing the shoulder of her sweatervest aside to examine the wound better. The bruise from hell would soon be forming, he decided within moments. "If you want, I can simply tell Mikhail and Maloof what happened."

"Hell yes, tell them what happened," Lili gasped when she took a step. "Ow."

"Try to focus on not moving your shoulder yet," Sasha suggested helpfully as Milla ran towards them with First Aid en tow, "I believe Milla will know what else to do."

Milla's assessment of the situation in the following minutes were as such: Bobby was a jerk, Lili definitely had a broken bone, Truman Zanotto needed to be called, and Sasha needed to hug Lili.

"Are you out of your goddamm mind?" Sasha asked coolly, raising an eyebrow. "I do not hug."

"But, darling, I'm sure Lili wants a hug, and maybe sheneeds a shoulder to cry on. Right, Lili dear?"

"Hell no." Lili shuddered, then rolled her eyes. "Sasha knows what I really want."

"Yes," Sasha replied with a completely straight face, "A night with me, a couch, a TV, the lights turned down low-"

"Sasha Nein!" Milla shrieked, eyes wide.

"-And Manhunt 2, all night long."

"That's a lot better than hugging, snuggling and cuddling, huh?" Lili asked a stunned Milla, who quietly walked away.

Sasha shrugged. "It's at least better than crying."

"Damm straight."