A Day In The Mind Of A Shinigami Captain
By Uchiha Xairylle

Chapter 1: Ukitake Jyuushiro

He coughs.

Finally, I'm out of bed. Seriously, I'm going to die from bedsores than this disease. I'm glad they still make me Captain. That's some compliment, isn't it? Of course. Even with this sickly body of mine, I can still beat people senseless with my two swords. It doesn't necessarily mean that being the Captain of the LAST numbered squad means we're the weakest! I was captain of the 13th Squad because when they were deciding upon who will be the Captain of which Squad, I was sick and I couldn't attend the meeting. I ended up with this.

But it doesn't mean I'm incompetent! Even now I am still able to do things although things would've been easier if I had a fukutaichou with me. He could take over when I'm not available.

He sighs.

Well, Shiba Kaien was one good fukutaichou and he handled our subordinates well. But he's dead now thanks to that stupid Hollow. I could've intervened, you know, but then again, that's a battle for honour and all that. If I jumped in then it was as good as telling Kuchiki Rukia that "don't mind what I say".

And about Rukia, not that I'm complaining having her in my squad since she's really obedient and useful, but she could've had a brother other than Byakuya! You know what I mean? I was supposed to give her a higher seat but Byakuya walked up to me looking like Sadako and seriously told me not to hook her up in any dangerous missions.

What the hell was that?

Wouldyou like to be Captain for the 13th Squad, too, Kuchiki Byakuya?

And, no, I'm not imitating his hair, excuse me! I have white hair! And he has black! I don't even wear kenseikan…

[Because you're not a noble. Hello?

Do I have the longest hair in the Gotei 13 Captain line up? Well, yes, I think. If Tousen "un-locked" his dread locks then he might have something long. I'm not sure if it's as long as my hair.

Oh, wait, Yamamoto-taichou's hair is longer? I'm not sure.

Come to think about it, when did I last get a haircut?

Oh, yes, a long time, since I'm allergic to something in the barber shop.

Can't really remember.

See? I told you I needed a Vice-Captain. Why don't I have one? And why won't anyone suggest that— Oh, wait, I have two Shinigami fukutaichou wanna-be's. They're another reason for me to die early. When I ask them to bring me something, they always bring me twice or more of what I asked for. That is why I always ask for half of what I need because they never bring me something that's justenough.

That includes my medication.

"Taichou, take your medication now!"

Even if it's an hour early.

"Taichou, here, my grandmother says this is good for your case!"

I feel like I'm sick with leprosy.

"Taichou, here, drink this! This will make you healthy! It's called Gatorade!"

Gato-what?

"Taichou, put this on your tongue and swallow it and it will help you be strong!"

Why is it named Viagra?

I am going to die of medical overdose one day.

Or perhaps die of under fatigue.

"Taichou, you must be resting!"

I am not a paralyzed man. Every time I get screen time, it's either I have to do something else or everyone's telling me to rest.

"Taichou, please stay in your room!"

The outside air is good for me. And I'm not a bird. Don't cage me.

I have sent for the 4th Squad for how many times now. I've sent them for, oh, dear lord, MERCY. Somebody must save me from all of this. They send in their medical team for me on a daily basis but still, I spend more time with my Vice-Captain wanna-be's than with them. I have to think of reasons and random errands so I could be left alone — in peace.

Silence is nice. Sometimes, I think I get sick from all the noise those two have been making. Whenever they're around me, I lose count of how many times they say the word "taichou". They have said it in countless ways and countless situations and countless reasons.

I don't want to count!

I'm starting to think that I get traumatized from their voices. I mean, just hearing them say "taichou" makes me shiver from within. I might just kill myself or ask Mayuri to make me a fukutaichou.

Yeah, that could be better.

Seriously, why did I have such a sickly character? I could have a ton of fan girls out there if I had not been sickly! I could be as sexy as Kuchiki Byakuya! No, even sexier! Or at least let me have a haircut! My name is Ukitake Jyuushiro and not Samson!

He coughs again.

"Taichou! You must be thinking too much! Please rest!"

Maybe I should just kill myself.

Excuse me, I need to play dead.

- End of Chapter 1 -

Author: As much as I had fun writing this, it was also a challenge. I'll be writing for the other captains. Yes, I might even include Aizen and company. Thank you for reading! Hope you review!