Well, here's the final chapter! I hope that it is a satisfactory end to the story -- I was personally happy with it, which is the most important, but I still would like everybody else to feel that it has been concluded nicely.
Thank you for everybody who took the time to review to the story. It's so nice to hear your encouragement and kind words. I'm sure this won't be my last S/R fic, so hopefully I'll hear from some of you again!
And, because of the timing, I think it's fair to say Happy Holidays!
The seamstresses conferred with each other about the small adjustments they would be making, their soft voices filling the next room. Rin leaned gingerly against the screen, adjusting the collar of her kimono thoughtfully. While she could have been faster, aware that Sesshoumaru was waiting, she knew she needed the time to prepare herself, to smooth her nerves.
Why had he come? She had noticed the change that he had finally looked at her, not merely seen her. His eyes had been present, their intensity directed carefully upon her. It had not been like that for months.
As she tied her obi, she wondered if it had something to do with the fact that he had seen her in her wedding attire; she knew that seeing the beautiful uchikake had made everything much more definite for her.
Now dressed, she moved to open the screen and paused. Her emotions were fluttering, but she could not tell what she felt: anger, or bitterness, or joy. Did she really want to face him now, after she had found some mild hold on peace? Would this put her back to where she had been two months ago?
But he was waiting, and no matter what happened, he was still her lord. He had not commanded her, but his intent had been clear. Sighing, she opened the screen to the main room and hurried to the outer screen. If it had to be done, there was no reason to delay.
He was, as he had said, waiting for her. Before she had even stepped out he turned, looking up at her from where he stood in the garden in front of her rooms. It was then that she realized that she, too, had merely seen him since that dreadful afternoon; she had almost forgotten how beautiful he was.
She did nothing to hold back her sigh before descending the steps to where he stood. It was clear what would happen now, so no words were spoken as they began to walk along the familiar path.
Even though it was difficult, Rin managed to anchor her thoughts, to keep them from drifting too much to one subject or another. She was almost thankful that she was able to concentrate on this task; without it, she would be left to only notice how uncomfortable the silence between them was.
But this prevented her from being observant, and the next thing she knew, they were walking in the lane between the cherry trees. The flowers were now gone, but the memory was not; it was so clear that the present seemed to fade, more memory-like than her recollection.
Perhaps Sesshoumaru sensed something she had been unaware of revealing for he turned toward her, looking at her as though he almost expected her to say something, or thought she already had. She felt uncomfortable under the steady light of his eyes, and found herself speaking, something she had done on many other occasions when she felt trapped by his gaze. "Is something wrong, my lord?"
It was a minute before he spoke, almost long enough that she did not think he would respond. "That is hard to say," he replied, mellifluous voice soft. He now looked away, the spell almost broken but for the fact that he continued speaking. "Is something wrong, Rin?"
She ducked her head, avoiding the possibility that he might look at her again. She did not know what to say. What could she say? Could she tell him that everything felt wrong, that it was like everything was being forced into places where they didn't belong? Could she tell him that she loved him, only him, and Kohaku knew this but was willing to sacrifice the potential for greater happiness for just a scrap of her heart? How could she possibly respond to what Sesshoumaru had said?
"Yes."
It said nothing, but it also said everything. She had known, back in her room, realized the danger of seeing him. And now she felt her predictions coming true as slowly the numbness she had carefully embraced released its hold, allowing her to once again feel completely.
They had stopped, and he had turned so that he was facing her. He would not speak, but she could read the question from his face. Somehow she found herself able to talk around the emotions trying to close her throat, although her voice was soft and airy, almost a whisper. "Is this the right decision?"
For the briefest moment, a line of sorrow seemed to pass across his face, so fleeting that it could have only been her hopes. "There does not seem to be any way it could be the wrong decision," he said, voice almost as quiet as hers had been. "As you said, the chances of a proposal from one here who truly cares for you are not great. Kohaku is of your people, but has earned my esteem from the services he has given. He holds honors within the court, and he will love you and be able to keep you safe."
"Yes, I suppose so," she sighed, her mind aware that he was right even though her heart fervently denied it.
Rin continued watching him, unable to look away now that she had turned to him. His head was down slightly, enough that his hair obscured his eyes, making it impossible to even guess at his emotions. She studied the planes of his face, committing them to memory in a way she never had before, as though they would suddenly be gone. She realized that, no matter how furious she had been at the way he had treated her, or how disconsolate his apparent lack of care had made her, she still loved him just as much as she had in those moments when she had hoped he might feel the same. Even after everything, she had still allowed one finger to be wrapped in her former imaginings, and she knew that now she would have to release it forever, utterly forsake such dreams.
"My lord," she started slowly, a vague idea on the edge of her thoughts finally taking shape as she tried to unwind the strings of her attachment from her heart. The moment it occurred to her, she wished it had not; as surprised as she was with herself, she knew she would do it if permitted.
For a moment, Sesshoumaru raised his head, the rich ocher of his eyes visible between his silvery white hair as the breeze tossed it. He did not speak, but his expression was an invitation to continue.
Rin bit the inside of her lip thoughtfully, before sighing. "I know I have no right to ask for anything, after all that you have given me over the years. But… may I please have one more thing from you?"
He nodded slightly. "Anything."
That made her heart pound, and she was sure he could hear; she saw one of his brows raise fractionally. It was very hard to focus on something like that, however, when she was trying to keep herself from completely unraveling.
Her steps were even, slow, as she approached him, coming closer than she had in years. He did not step back, or stop her, seeming to merely grow curious at her strange actions. She was near enough that she could feel the warmth of his body, near enough that…
She could reach out her hands and touch his face, fingertips dusting a line from his temples to his jaw before settling more firmly against his skin. Now he was motionless, and she knew that it could be from nothing more than surprise. But that would soon fade, and so while she could have been content for hours with nothing but that momentary touch, she had been allowed this parting gift from him and would grasp as much as she could.
So before he could adjust to the touch of her fingers, she tipped her head up and pressed her lips against his.
----
Sesshoumaru had not moved before, when she had stepped closer, but now he could not even if he wished. Yet all that kept him frozen to that spot was the feathery touch of Rin's kiss.
It was so light, timid, full of uncertainties, but also longing; he could read it in the draw of her brow, in the way her fingers lingered upon his face. There was so much betrayed in the moment, too many things that he was desperate to see, but he could not concentrate on them when he was lost in everything about her – her scent, her touch, her warmth.
And then she suddenly stepped away, head turning and hands slipping back to her sides. "Thank you," she said in a voice so quiet her words were almost lost even to him.
His thoughts felt sluggish, hard to speed up to the flow of time after having been so suddenly and completely stopped. Rin had already turned back to her rooms, figure dappled in the swaying shadows of the trees. For a moment he watched her, every step she took like another stone, another piece of the wall he felt dividing her future from his. It had grown in the months he had avoided her, and there was very little time left before it would be complete, before there was no chance of ever crossing the chasm between them. She may remain in the palace, and he may see her, but she would be gone.
She is human, his logic tried to remind him against the sudden desperation in his heart. She is engaged. She is of common birth. Yet she was Rin, and he suddenly realized how little he cared about how she could be classified. They were words, nothing more. Something that could hold no more weight than the air used to speak them.
This is an impulse. It will pass. But it was not an impulse; it was what he had wanted all along.
"Rin."
Sesshoumaru's voice carried across the distance and she stopped. For a long moment she did not move, but he did not speak further; this part was her decision.
And then she turned, face slowly lifting so that her eyes, shimmering with unshed tears, met his, and he could not be at her side fast enough.
----
It was like it all happened in one movement; suddenly he was next to her, and she was in his arms, and he was kissing her. His hands were splayed across her back, pulling her body flush against his, so that no space existed between them. It was nearly impossible to breathe, but if that was because of being pressed so close to him or because of the crush of his lips against hers, she could not tell.
Rin was still too surprised, too shocked, to truly respond; in some corner of her mind, she wondered if it would even make a difference. She could now feel the emotions Sesshoumaru would never have spoken or displayed: the torment, the jealousy, the sorrow. They were clear in the possessiveness of his embrace and the raw desperation of his lips.
It was almost punishing, but she accepted it willingly. The pain was cleansing, healing, like the resetting of broken bones or the stitching of a wound, like the first breath after death. She felt it purge her heart of its bitterness, replacing it with a weary peace.
It was nearly too much, too sudden a change to be pulled from the darkness to which she had surrendered into this light. All the same, she was somehow able to tip her head further towards his and slip one hand from where it was trapped against his chest to rest it against his cheek.
Suddenly the fury died, the extinguishing of flames under a soft rain. But the embers still smoldered, burning without the fire. His kiss continued, but became gentle, tender, and his embrace relaxed, as though suddenly remembering how fragile she was in the face of his strength.
The moment was nothing like the fanciful visions she had conjured at times over the years, nor was it close to any reality she might have considered. Yet this… was perfect. Or perhaps it was beyond perfect, because perfect could never exist; this was how it should be.
When he finally broke the kiss, he leaned down, tucking his face against the side of her throat. Rin could feel his ragged breathing upon her skin and she shivered, closing her eyes. Her hand, which had been against his cheek, now ran through his hair, indulging in the cool silken touch of the strands between her fingers. It was something she had never thought she would get the chance to enjoy.
Her fingers stilled instantly when Sesshoumaru's head turned, lips against the pulse at the base of her neck. For a moment they lingered there before he raised his head again, golden eyes level with hers. She had not realized that he had released her until his hands held her face, cool against her flushed skin.
"I am sorry that I have hurt you," he said softly.
"You should not apologize. I hurt you as well," she replied instantly, forgetting that for years Jaken had tried to teach her to ignore his injuries, just like Sesshoumaru ignored them himself.
"It was necessary for me to understand." His thumb lightly brushed across her cheek, a hesitant caress before he dipped his head, kissing her again. "I cannot let you go, Rin."
"I never wanted to leave," she whispered against his mouth.
"I know." Sesshoumaru paused, looking at her, his eyes suddenly warmer than any other time she could remember. "So don't."
She considered him, afraid to ask him to explain himself, worried that it might break the fragile hope of the moment.
When she did not reply, he dropped his hands slowly from her face, letting them trail along her sleeves until they found the hem and the tips of her fingers peaking from beneath the material. He pushed the sleeves up, allowing him to wrap his hands around hers. "Never leave. Stay with me for as long as your life allows. Share it with me."
This was too much, too much. The words closed about her, clear but irrational to what she thought she knew. "But… my lord… I'm just–" She struggled to speak, her thoughts too distracted by his proximity to piece together the things she needed to say. Finally, quietly, she managed to find her voice. "I'm… I'm nothing."
"No." His response was immediate, the usual hardness of his voice fully displayed in that one word. For a moment, she dared to look back up at him and was surprised that, regardless of his tone, his expression was still soft. "No… you are everything."
"Even though I'm human?" she asked almost voicelessly.
For a moment, his lips curled slightly in a wry smile. "That would have been an issue at one time. But I've come to realize that if I let you go now, I will spend the rest of my life regretting it." He paused for a moment, and she could sense the subtle change in his demeanor, the faint awkwardness as he leaned toward her. "I now understand that I love you."
It was too difficult to accept it all quickly, impossible to force it to sink into her mind in that moment. Rin nodded, stuck between shock and joy so that she barely managed to say "I will stay with you," before utterly losing her ability to speak when Sesshoumaru's smile turned sincere. It was the first time she could remember seeing him smile because he was happy.
Her heart felt so full that it was almost hard to recall the pain that had constricted it only minutes before. Suddenly all the shadows were gone, and it felt like some piece of her soul that had been missing was now in place. She leaned against him, tucking her head beneath his chin while still holding his hands.
For a moment she listened to the steady beating of his heart against her ear, thoughts leaping and jumping as she tried to consider everything at once, before they finally dropped back into reality.
Somehow, he noticed the change, becoming completely still. "What is it, Rin?"
"Kohaku," she whispered. "How will I tell him…"
Sesshoumaru did not reply immediately. Stepping back, he released her hands before touching her face. "I think he will understand."
She nodded. "But that only makes it worse," she sighed.
"Everything will be fine." He gave her a faint smile, comforting, and Rin could not help but feel some of the worry that had twisted through her mind unwind. "Go, he is waiting for you."
Turning, she took a few steps before pausing and looking back at him. Part of her was frightened that all of this had been no more than a dream, that if she left now she would return to find that none of it had happened.
"I will be here," he said, perhaps seeing the panic in her eyes.
She swallowed, nodding, and then hurried back to her rooms.
Kohaku was there, speaking politely to the women who were still fussing over her uchikake. He looked intensely relieved when she appeared, and she almost smiled at how quickly he disentangled himself from the conversation.
As he approached her, she saw the glint in his eyes, the awareness that something was coming; he had always been able to read her so easily.
"You seem… happy," he said slowly, as though testing the words.
Rin nodded. "I am."
Kohaku glanced over his shoulder, towards the women whose attention was now completely diverted from them. "Let us talk outside."
It was a good idea, and she followed him out onto the veranda, thanking him when he helped her sit on the edge like they had done on many other evenings. He was always so gentle and careful; she felt the touch of sadness at what she would have to do.
He was studying her, observing her expression carefully. She watched as the calm light in his eyes wavered, flickered for a moment, before once again becoming steady. "He spoke to you."
"Yes."
The ghost of a smile touched his lips. "And he loves you as well."
It was harder to reply to this; while Sesshoumaru had said that he loved her, it was still somewhat hard to believe, and agreeing with such a thing almost felt presumptuous. But Kohaku was the one person who needed to know, and she nodded.
Now he did not speak, silence drifting between them as she allowed him to come to terms with this. The more time passed, the more anxious Rin became; the last thing she had wanted to do was hurt him, and she was suddenly afraid of inspiring in him the grief that she had felt only minutes before.
"I am happy for you."
She glanced at him, but he was looking ahead, his expression thoughtful. She wished she could think of something to say, but no words seemed fitting. Then he stood, and she was afraid that that would be the end, that he would leave with nothing more.
But then he turned around and grinned, and it was real, like any of the others he had given her. "I truly am, Rin. I did not know if I could ever make you happy, if I could do more than make a life that would be comfortable for you. I would have been glad to marry you, but I will be content to be your friend if through that I can see you smile and laugh again."
Rin laughed now, choosing it over the tears that wished to spring to her eyes. "You are too kind to me, Kohaku. Much too kind."
"It is a fault I will accept."
Standing, she took his hand and squeezed it. "Thank you."
He nodded, expression still light, before gently pulling his hand away. "I do not want to be the reason Lord Sesshoumaru has to wait," he explained, grinning again before disappearing back into the palace.
Rin watched the spot where he had left for a moment before she could not stay still any longer. It was almost beyond her choice, the draw she felt, but she was willing to follow it. She just wished she could be allowed to wear the simple clothes of her youth; they had been much easier to hurry in. Still, it did not take long to return to where Sesshoumaru was, and seeing him standing there was like having everything solidify, making it real beyond a doubt.
And as she let him wrap her in his arms, she smiled, truly smiled, for the first time since that spring.