Fairytale AU

This was written for an LJ challenge. All of the fics are from crack prompts. There are spelling and editing issues with most of them.

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, lived a young girl named Shuurei. Shuurei was never blessed by a fairy godmother, but she was loved, very much, by her lonely, widowed father. The two of them lived in a crumbling mansion with their faithful servant, Seiran.

Although they lived in a mansion with extensive grounds, the family was very poor, and so, even though she was noble, Shuurei had to work her fingers to the bone to provide for her family and repair her crumbling home. Shuurei hardly ever complained about being poor and never charged for the lessons she gave to the local children, when she could have been earning gold. There was never enough money to spare, however, and Shuurei's father was too proud to sell the mansion and move somewhere smaller, so Shuurei's home continued to decay.

One day, a thief was passing by the mansion when part of the outer wall collapsed. His bags were full with swag, but being a greedy man, he could not pass up a golden opportunity like this. 'Praise Ali Baba,' he exclaimed, before hopping inside and looking for things to steal. The thief spent all day searching, but found nothing worth taking, not even a measly alabaster pot! He had decided to leave, when he heard voices.

'Aha,' he said, 'I knew that there was something valuable in this misbegotten dump.'

And so, he followed the voices, which were coming from an open window. The thief creeped closer and peeked through and found the precious treasure of the household - the family of two (plus servant), settling down to a meal of barley.

The thief was touched by the love they shared, and decided then and there to help them.

He rifled through his bags and pockets and put together a modest sum - not enough to maintain their ludicrous home, but enough to eat rice through the winter, which was several seasons away. He then pulled from his sack of loot an opulent outfit, stripped from a fat merchant while he snored in a distant tavern. He dressed, then etched his wrinkles with charcoal, to deepen them and stained his hair with white powder. When he had finished, he looked like a venerable old sage.

'Ho, ho, ho,' said the thief. 'This will be fun.' He giggled a few more times, before composing himself and knocking on the door, which opened. He strode inside.

'I am Shouka and this is my daughter, Shuurei,' said Shuurei's father. He didn't bother to introduce their servant. Seiran sighed. 'We do not have much, but you are welcome to share with us.'

'I have, err, already eaten,' said the thief, who hated barley, 'but I wouldn't say no to a cup of tea.'

Shuurei's father went to the kitchen, to prepare the tea. Their servant, Seiran, blanched and made to follow him, but stopped, unwilling to leave Shuurei alone with the stranger.

When Shuurei's father returned, he poured tea for everyone, including the servant, Seiran. However, nobody drank from it. The thief, noticing this, also abstained.

'My name is Sou Taishi,' he said, having decided that this name had the requisite gravitas. 'I have come because the Emperor needs you... Shuurei.'

Shuurei gasped. Her father gasped. Their servant gasped.

'I will pay you five hundred gold coins.'

Shuurei gasped. Her father gasped. Their servant gasped.

'All you have to do is enter the Imperial harem and teach the Emperor how to be a man.'

Shuurei gasped. Her father gasped. Their servant gasped.

Knowing that a girl of her nobility, strength and determination would say no to such a shocking offer, the thief paused too long before starting on his real offer.

'I'll do it!' said Shuurei.

The thief gasped. Shuurei's father gasped. His servant gasped.

The thief took a long drink from the cup in front of him, to recover from the shock, but soon regretted it. As Shuurei led him, gasping and spluttering, to the front door, she whispered. 'Five hundred gold. You can't back out now.'

The following morning dawned warm, but breezy. If Shuurei had any doubts about the path she had chosen, she didn't betray any of them as she airily waved goodbye to her father and their servant. 'Five hundred gold,' she cackled. 'I can do anything with that money. I could buy a new house with modern insulation and indoor plumbing. Father can freeze to death in his holey, old pile.'

The Imperial Palace was quite a distance from Shuurei's home and it wasn't surprising that she met a number of people on the way there, including a young man who was on a quest that had already claimed the lives of his two older and more feckless brothers.

'Would you take a big cake with your father's curse on it, or a small cake with his blessing?' he asked Shuurei, as she passed by.

'What an odd question,' she said, 'since "Your father's curse" is well known slang for a poison that weakens both body and spirit.'

His eyes widened and he muttered something under his breath, although Shuurei's remarkable hearing couldn't decipher if it was a swearword or not. 'Here,' he said more legibly, shoving a basket at Shuurei's chest. She grabbed it reflexively. Inside was a large cake. 'You need to deliver this to your Grandmother.'

'My Grandmother's dead,' she replied.

The young man blushed. 'I mean, my grandmother,' he said.

'Why would I need to deliver anything to your grandmother?'

'Just wear this,' he said, ignoring her response. He untied a red cloak from his shoulders and fastened it about hers.

'Why do I need to wear this?' she asked, gobsmacked by his impudence.

'So that Shuuei will recognise you!' he shouted.

'Who's Shuuei?' Shuurei asked.

'I'll give you a gold,' said the young man, helplessly. 'Will you stop asking questions then?'

She nodded and money changed hands.

'Where does your grandmother live?' she asked, despite the fact that she had promised not to ask any more questions.

'Who?' he replied, looking lost and confused.

Shuurei shook the basket at him and he nodded, before pointing at a house at the very end of the street.

'That's my house,' said Shuurei.

The next building he directed her to was the local temple, followed by the bakery, the army barracks, the Imperial Palace and her house again. Luckily, Shuurei found a signpost showing the way to "Grandmother's House" and managed to get rid of him before the sun rose to its greatest height.

'I hope that it doesn't take too long to find Grandmother's House,' Shuurei said. 'I gave most of my breakfast to father and Seiran, our servant, because I expected to enjoy a bang up meal at the palace.'

The signposts led Shuurei all over the city, criss-crossing at several points, almost as though someone was moving signposts as she travelled. Of course, that was impossible, but it didn't stop her from suddenly turning, a time or two, hoping to catch someone in the process of carrying out such shenanigans.

Grandmother's House was a dainty cottage in the middle of some parkland. The front gate dripped paint onto the ground and leaned at an awkward angle. It took all of Shuurei's strength to swing it open and even then, the gap until it stuck fast in the earth wasn't enough to pass through. Shuurei thought of the gold, hitched up her skirts and tumbled over the top, basket and all. She paused to brush the worst of the dirt from her clothing before walking up the path. The sound of hammering and banging could be heard echoing from the back.

The door was rather over eager. It was coated in homely touches, like "Home Sweet Home" signs carved from wood, dried flower bunches and unstable horseshoes. Eventually, Shuurei managed to hook some dangling flowers in exposed ironwork and expose an area of actual door. She knocked twice, then plucked several splinters from her hands.

A high-pitched voice wavered through the oversized keyhole. 'It's open.'

Shuurei pushed the door aside. This one wasn't built much better than the front gate. She managed to squeeze through, but had to open a window to pass the basket inside.

The cottage appeared to have only one room. It contained a rough stove; a side table on which was a bowl heaped with fruit; a battered chest; a spindle and an enormous bed. The bed contained grandma. She wore a big, frilly cap which almost completely covered her forehead. She held the blankets up to her nose and shook slightly, as though frightened of the young girl whom she'd invited into her home.

'I'm Shuurei,' called Shuurei. 'Your grandson asked me to deliver this basket to you.' She held up the basket. The giant, frilly cap nodded behind the sheets.

'Oh yes,' said Grandmother. 'Thank you very much.'

'It was no problem, ma'am,' said Shuurei, with a smile.

'Grandma!' shouted the old woman.

'Excuse me?' asked Shuurei, politely.

'Call me Grandma,' said Grandma.

'But you're not my grandmother and I don't know you that well...' began Shuurei.

The blankets shook more violently and Shuurei continued.

'...but I don't see why that should cause a problem, Grandma.'

'Come sit beside me and tell me about yourself, my dear.'

Shuurei did have to be at the palace, but a gold was a lot of money and Shuurei never short-changed anyone, so she looked about for a chair to pull up beside the old woman. There were none. There wasn't even a stool. Moving with remarkable agility for a woman of her years, Grandma shifted over in the bed and patted the empty spot beside her. Shuurei settled herself at the edge of the bed, a little unsure by this stage.

'Grandma, why aren't you wearing your glasses?' Shuurei asked, pointing at a pair of pince-nez that were sticking out of a "Good Housekeeping Guide".

'Ah yes,' replied Grandmother. Her hand darted down and retrieved the glasses. She placed them on her face without exposing any flesh below the nose. The old woman squinted once or twice through the glass, then exclaimed: 'All the better to see you with.'

'Grandma,' said Shuurei, lightly brushing the old woman's hand. 'What soft skin you have.'

'All the better to touch you with,' cooed Grandma, before patting Shuurei quickly on the head.

The blankets fell, just enough.

'Grandma!' exclaimed Shuurei. 'What masculine features you have!'

'All the better to marry you with!' shouted Grandma, as she lunged for Shuurei.

Just then, Shuurei's loyal and faithful servant, Seiran, burst in through the window. He tackled Grandma, who fought back with the strength of a full grown man on a balanced diet.

'Run to the Palace, Shuurei!' the servant cried. 'I will deal with this one.'

'Are you sure?' cried Shuurei, as Grandma twisted out of Seiran's reach. Her long, frilly, night dress got tangled up in Seiran's utilitarian cufflinks and they both fell to the ground.

'Yes!' gasped Seiran, as Grandma elbowed him in the stomach. 'We need the money.'

Shuurei didn't need any further reassurance. Seiran looked as though he was in a tight spot, but he entered every wrestling competition held in Sainukoku, and though he never won, he had a shocking tolerance for pain.

She fled the cottage and ran all the way to the palace, not stopping for any of the adventure hooks that presented themselves along the way.

The Imperial Harem was quite a ways into the compound, isolated and easy protected in case of attack. Outside the rather elaborate door was a disgruntled man, sitting behind a lavish desk.

'Name?' he snapped.

'Shuurei,' said Shuurei.

'Are you here,' he asked wearily, 'to make a man of the Emperor?' Shuurei nodded and he sighed. 'You're the tenth one today.'

He made some notes in the giant ledger on his desk and asked Shuurei to sign a number of times, including a rather specific copy of the Official Secrets Act. She didn't understand all the references to the performance of conjugal duties, but trusted the officious man behind the desk and signed anyway.

'Are there a lot of women come to the Imperial Harem?' Shuurei asked.

The disgruntled man grunted. 'Yes, all recently. We've had a plague of Emperor's wives. They're claiming that they've been offered ridiculous sums of money if they make a man of the Emperor. I wish I knew who started the rumour.'

'It was Sou Taishi,' Shuurei informed him, 'and he will pay five hundred gold pieces.'

The man snorted. 'Makes sense that it would be him. Oh well, good luck.'

Shuurei waved to the official and entered the Harem. Silk tapestries lined the walls, exotic scents wafted through the air and the place was stuffed full of cushions. It was also stuffed full with women. Ladies lounged on divans, painting their toenails and giggling with their friends. Others practised haughty airs and the art of conversation. Yet others swapped saucy stories and tips and promised to share the money if they were the lucky ones. There was major talk of plans and strategies, tactics and techniques. Shuurei, who was quite innocent in many ways, figured that the best way to start would be with baking.

Shuurei had a sideline when times were particularly tough. She was famous for her manjuu buns, which were quite cheap to make and not particularly filling, so people often bought several of them at a time. The kitchens reluctantly gave her access to their facilities. She filled a basket three layers deep with the buns and went out looking for the Emperor.

The greatest mystery in the Imperial Harem concerned the Emperor. Despite several very attractive women having been in the Palace for the past week, no one had seen hide nor hair of him and there were many mad rumours flying about the Harem: that he was gay; that he didn't exist; that he was actually a woman and a bisexual english major. Shuurei didn't believe any of them. Most of the boys she knew thought girls were icky and she assumed the Emperor felt the same way.

She prowled the gardens looking for the unclimbliest of trees, the scratchiest of bushes and the muddiest of dirtholes. In the mid afternoon, she paused her search for a light lunch. There was a pleasant spot beside a small pond and she settled on the edge of it, to open her basket. The buns had turned out quite sticky and Shuurei used a bit too much force to free the first bun. It unstuck itself with a tearing squelch, then flew from her finger to land in the pond with a plop.

'Oh no!' exclaimed Shuurei, as it slowly sank beneath the water's surface. 'Oh well.' She was more careful with the next one and was soon tucking into a delicious treat.

She didn't notice the splash and the small creature had to cough to get her attention.

'Can I have my kiss now, please?'

Shuurei looked down at a wet and unpalatable frog. 'What?'

The frog coughed again, covering his mouth with a slimy, webbed foot. 'Tradition dictates that when one helps another, one is rewarded.'

He looked up, hopefully, but Shuurei stared blankly back at him. He gestured to a sad-looking, white mass of goo.

'I recovered your manjuu bun for you,' the frog said with a smile.

Shuurei shook her head. 'Look, I'm hardly going to eat it now,' she pointed out.

The silence was broken only by the sound of the girl chewing on her lunch.

'I'm the Emperor, you know.' The frog tried a different tack, but Shuurei didn't rise to the bait, merely eating her lunch more animatedly. 'I am.'

The girl continued to ignore him and the frog sighed. He poked the soggy mass, but it dissolved at his touch, leaving his webbed fingers sticky. He took a number of painful hops back to the pond's bank, but stopped before slipping in. A delightful odour wafted gently under his froggy nose. He turned to the peace offering of a fresh and tasty manjuu bun.

'Here,' said Shuurei. 'You might as well have a good one.'

The frog hopped more lively to a spot beside the girl and tucked into the delicious treat.

'Thanks!'

'There are too many to eat myself,' Shuurei muttered, 'and I might as well share one with you. You look hungry and I can't find the Emperor anywhere.'

'We are quite hungry,' agreed the frog, his froggy face covered in bean paste. 'But we do know where the Emperor is.'

'You do?'

'Yes,' replied the frog. 'He was cursed by Kou Reishin. Something about marrying his adorable niece.'

'Really?' asked Shuurei.

The frog nodded. 'If he really loved his niece that much though,' he continued, 'we wonder why he doesn't do better by her father. Reishin ousted him as head of the clan and stuck him in a crumbling mansion. They only have one servant and by all accounts the place is falling to pieces.'

'Poor thing,' sighed Shuurei. 'It must be awful to be in a position like that.' The frog agreed. 'So where's the Emperor?'

'We told you,' said the frog as it munched away. 'We are the Emperor.'

'Yeah, right,' laughed Shuurei. 'And just how do we turn you back into a man?'

'It's simple,' said the frog. 'Say our name.'

'What's your name?' asked Shuurei, intrigued, despite herself.

'Oh we can't tell you that. You have to know.'

'Okay, let me see, I should know this,' began Shuurei. 'Um... the most honourable, blah, blah, blah, his Imperial Highness... Ryuuki! Your name's Ryuuki!'

The frog looked surprised. Then there was an amazing special effect, where the space around the frog warped and there was simultaneously a very small frog and a very big frog, then a very small man and a very normal-sized man and finally, a normal-sized, slightly wet and extremely naked man.

'Hurray!' shouted Ryuuki, jumping up.

'Hurray!' shouted Sou Taishi, falling from a nearby tree.

'Hurray!' shouted Shuurei.

'Shuurei! shouted Ryuuki, turning to her with arms out-stretched.

'Your Highness!' shouted Sou Taishi, as he untangled himself and rose slowly to his feet.

'Money!' shouted Shuurei, running to Sou Taishi with arms out-stretched.

Sou Taishi counted out five hundred gold coins for Shuurei - she made him do it twice, as he was quite inebriated, but that evening was spent in a brand new bed, in a brand new, two-storey house with modern insulation and indoor plumbing.