the Ties that Bind

(because family is everything)

(dedicated to Fray, Dizi, cupid, Huffie, Paddy and love. Why? Because I want to. Enough said)

#1. No

When Sirius is fourteen, he asks for a new broom, only to be snapped at by his mother and told that the family has better things to think about than brooms, and that the answer is no.

#2. Athlete

Less than two weeks later, Regulus is gifted with the exact same model Sirius wanted, and proceeds to fly around the house; mother and father's darling little athlete is destined to become a Seeker, the family say.

#3. Journey

The two brothers confront each other about the unfairness of it all during the journey to Hogwarts, and Sirius denies ever wanting such a broom, claiming that there is more to life than stupid Quidditch, and threatening to tell McGonagall, because Regulus shouldn't have a broom anyway.

#4. Hate

Andromeda stood up for Regulus, and Sirius felt an odd rush of emotion, something that he later identified as hate for his favourite cousin, and promptly pushed it to the back of his mind.

#5. Rend

It causes an unidentified rend between the brothers, one that Sirius can never fully overcome, no matter how much he wants to.

#6. Carnival

He's starting to feel unstable, like he's going to explode with unadulterated emotion and anger, so he goes to visit the Marauders in another compartment, where James is holding court, sharing tales of his family's visit to a local carnival.

#7. Would

Sirius would feel sorry, because Regulus is his brother, and blood is apparently thicker than water, would apologise, because he knows that Regulus meant nothing by it, but he knows he won't, and he can't explain why.

#8. Fight

Meanwhile, Regulus wants to forget and to move on. He thinks that Sirius wants to fight, because he's a rebel, a free spirit and it's in his nature to attack the enemy, while Regulus is more controllable, more impressionable.

#9. Character

It's in his character to resist change and temptation, to follow like a sheep and to feel stuck like the fabled Muggle donkey that sits between two haystacks, just like it's in Sirius' character to react violently and rashly.

#10. Woman

Regulus is so busy pondering this, that he doesn't even take in the splendour of Hogwarts, until he is in the Great Hall and staring at a stern, greying lady with an overly tight bun.

#11. Moment

Late in Regulus' fourth year of Hogwarts, when Regulus sees his brother no longer as the boy who wouldn't play games with him, but as the slightly more mature Marauder, he makes a futile attempt to talk to Sirius; he is not hexed, or deafened as he expected, rather, Sirius pretends he doesn't exist, the moment is over, and his brother is gone.

#12. Upset

At the time, the Marauder in Sirius saw shunning his brother as the right thing to do, looking down on the Slytherin, the horrible, awful snake, but then he saw the obvious upset that marred Regulus' face.

#13. Sweet

Under any other circumstances, such a brutal and harsh takedown of his brother in front of the Marauders would be an eternal victory, but this time, the sweetness is mixed with something bitter, something that burns the soul.

#14. Sight

It's despicable, he tells himself, that a Slytherin is afraid of a pathetic Gryffindor, because they're all bark and no bite, but then he catches sight of Sirius and cannot bear to look, because it aches, and he is not at all sure how to stop it.

#15. Numb

In true Black family style, Regulus numbs the pain by agreeing to become a Death Eater, and Sirius numbs the pain by delivering an enemy one step closer to a painful death, one step closer to the jaws of his best friend.

#16. Shell

Fifteen years old, with a faithful group of friends, he's on summer holidays and he's a fearless Death Eater, and still Regulus feels like an empty shell, lifeless and without passion.

#17. Wizard

During times like this, he almost wonders what life would be like if he were anything but a wizard; as a young boy, he would have asked Sirius, but Sirius has run away to that dickhead Potter's place, and the they aren't talking anyway, so he's left to ponder it by himself.

#18. More

Sirius is staying at the Potters, idly passing his days with Quidditch, and swimming, and talking about everything and anything, although Lily's name obscures the otherwise pleasant conversations a few times, but he wants more: he wants his brother back.

#19. Universe

While Sirius is discussing such trivial things with James, Regulus is still pondering the mean of life, love and the universe, and preparing for his first mission as a Death Eater.

#20. Ache

He kills someone on his first mission, a nameless Muggle, and for all the pain and heartache it causes he should have killed himself, because his senses are overwhelmed, the stench and sight of congealed blood is flooding his nostrils and the images are burning themselves into his brain, never to be forgotten, and it aches, and he wants his brother to hold him and comfort and wipe away the sweat like he did when they were little and Mum was pissed.

#21. Wind

Time flies fast, like leaves surfing upon an eternal wind and it is Sirius' last year at Hogwarts, his last year with the school playing the roll of the safety net, and Sirius questions what has happened to the first seventeen years of his life; Regulus walks past, almost like a ghost, and he realises, he wasted it taking shallow dips in pools of spite, and flying along, fuelled by hatred and anger rather than enjoying the ride.

#22. Escape

They both feel the need to escape.

#23. Like

Because maybe, just maybe, they are like each other in more ways than they realise.

#24. Devil

The Death Eaters are becoming more and risqué, and while Regulus is just the naïve schoolboy who's missing out on the action, he stills feels like the devil, torturing innocent souls, and Sirius is God, whom is always there when you're exasperated and don't want people prying into your life and never when you really truly need someone to confide in.

#25. Song

Sirius can see his brother is dying, if not physically then certainly emotionally; his face betrays emotions that no-one his age should be suffering from, he reads like a poorly constructed song, emotions scattered everywhere, radiating confusing messages, and Sirius really just wants to reassure him, to tell him that everything will be aright, even though he knows that it won't.

#26. Euphemism

Regulus sees his brother watching him, and knows that he is concerned, because while Sirius is good at hiding his true emotions to the masses, those who know him well can easily read him, and Regulus wants to swear loudly, because he shouldn't be so compassionate when he's being such a bastard, but he sticks to a politer euphemism.

#27. Dealt

Life has dealt both of them a shitty hand of cards: Regulus is falling headfirst towards a life of torment and absolute misery because he cannot summon enough inner courage to escape his family, and Sirius is heading for exactly the same fate because he could and he did.

#28. Romance

The older Black brother must have inherited something, because, at the end of the year, James and Lily finally end their years of sparring, and Sirius is cynical about their romance, and he wonders if Regulus feels the same.

#29. Heed

The school year is rapidly drawing to a close, and Sirius graduates, never knowing that Regulus is secretly watching, crouched behind a tree and secretly wishing he could make Sirius heed the dangers he will face.

#30. Let

Sirius attempts to find a house to let mere days after graduation, and he finds the perfect one almost immediately, but then he finds that the bedroom is painted in the exact blue that Regulus loves, and it's too much to bear, so he moves back in with James, offering various excuses, and never telling the truth.

#31. Compose

Over the holidays, Regulus' wastepaper basket overflows with crumpled letters to Sirius, each one viciously crumpled after only a few short lines, because he is struggling to compose something that signifies the true weight of what he is feeling, of how much he needs his brother there.

#32. Switch

He wants to be Sirius, and for Sirius to be him, because then he would get to be courageous and spontaneous like his brother, and his brother would become apathetic and shit scared like him, and maybe, just maybe, it would help them understand each other again.

#33. Rule

By the end of the summer, Regulus has done nothing more than write his unfinished letters and ponder his brother, and go on that one gory and sadistic and appalling mission, and now he's back to following rules and regulations; meanwhile, Sirius is joining the Order.

#34. Calm

Meanwhile, Sirius feels strangely calm, he's finally doing something, putting his rebellious nature to good use and he's like one of those Muggle please people, fighting crime and injustice and stupid fucking bastards.

#35. Beast

Regulus feels like a cannibalistic beast, ripping and tearing apart people for no reason what so ever, he feels just as much a bastard as the Muggles are in the Dark Lord's eyes, and he's got no-one to confide in, so he's a beast and bastard, but worse, he's a lonely one.

#36. Missing

He finishes his schooling, both eager and petrified to discover the 'real' world, he suffers every emotion known to mankind and more, and throughout it all, Regulus still feels like a piece of him is missing.

#37. Pulse

It's a clash of man on man, and friend on friend, but worse, more shocking and terrifying and disgusting, it's a clash of brother on brother when Sirius' order and Regulus' Death Eaters meet, and Sirius feels his heart thumping like a ticking time bomb in his chest, as he sparks fly out of his wand and narrowly miss Regulus' heart.

#38. Brush

Both of them experience brushes with death, and after the battle is over Regulus is lying there, blood seeping from his battered and bruised body, and Sirius wants to reach out, to wash his brother's wound and protect him, but instead he whispers, "Bad luck mate," and tears off before he's found by the enemy.

#39. Warning

He would have said something more, had he been warned that it was the last time they would ever meet.

#40. Field

Regulus remembers Sirius being there as he lay, not quite dead, but feeling anything but alive in that field (The Field of Doom and Gloom and Hallucinations, as it is known to him and him only), because it was an out of body, and out of mind experience, and he couldn't tell if his brother handsome, but slightly worn face was a mirage, a feeble man's hope, or if it was real, and remembers just laying in that field and marvelling at the miracle, the one that whispered those three hallmarked words.

#41. Bronze

He's heard of Muggles getting medals for bravery, and he thinks Sirius deserves one, because he's finally releasing why his brother rebelled, realising the awful road being the dutiful son can shove you down, and he wants to award Sirius a medal, a nice shiny bronze medal.

#42. Core

Sirius has been guiding him all along, he's always wanted to be like his brother, fighting for the 'Greater Good,' and so, he starts to plot ways to strike his master, not through the heart as there is nothing there but empty space, but at the very core of his being.

#43. Mask

When Kreacher apparatus into the kitchen, after the mission he was sent on, his face a revolting mask of horror and fear and repulsion, and he tells the story of his escape from the cave, he knows what he's going to do, and he puts on a mask of his own, pretending to be brave, when really, he's nothing but chicken shit.

#44. Justice

He wants to do his brother justice.

#45. Weight

With the weight of his conscience looming down on him, he does it, and he dies, and his last dying thought is, "Would Sirius have been proud of me?"

#46. Replace

Sirius hears of his brother's death through word of mouth, that dangerous web of secrets and ponderings and lies, and as he curls up in the corner of the Potter's living room and cries and cries and cries, he knows that nobody could ever replace his brother.

#47. If

"If only, if only," he thinks, a million different scenarios, each more and more unrealistic and oh so perfect than the last run through his mind.

#48. Code

It's like Sirius' life has been coded, coded so that as soon as he is happy he is pushed down, as soon as he thinks of peace, there is another outbreak of war, and now, his brother has been dead a year and the code of his life is poking his shoulder and whistling: Azkaban, thirteen years, Padfoot, escape.

#49. When

That stupid bitch Bellatrix kills him and he falls, and the first thing he sees is Regulus' smiling face, as bright and vivid and amazing as sunlight, and he smiles, because it's no longer a question of when he sees his brother again, but a what to say now he has.

#50. Sigh

They both sigh, and then words spill over each other, tumbling like water from two separate waterfalls, and they sigh again, because it is all over, and they are nothing but brothers again.

A/N: So, my first ever LiveJournal challenge (for 1fandom), my first ever look at the relationship between Sirius and Regulus, and hopefully something you enjoyed reading. I love the idea that Regulus and Sirius both felt deeply for each other (in a brotherly way, for all those perverted people out there), but that they were both lacking in the courage needed to take the first steps towards reconciliation. Please let me know what you think.

-Cuba ...x