Disclaimer: I don't own Saiyuki, that much should be obvious.

A/N: I love playing with dream sequences and faulty memories.

Pulse

The diadem is returned to his head and Seiten Taisei reverts back into Son Goku. He stares with wide eyes at the sky as he gasps for breath, choking on the deep intake once or twice. The clear blue of sky becomes darker until he sees nothing but the back of his eyelids. The world around him spins, legs can no longer support his weight and he falls forward. But he never hits the hot dirt and moist grass, he lands in Sanzo's lap.

Goku is vaguely aware of the monk's arms wrapped loosely around his body, but he definitely can hear Sanzo's heartbeat for all it's worth. That low rhythmic drumming is just what he needs to lull him into a deep sleep he will not wake from for days.

The heartbeat is strong in his ears and oddly familiar, but he does not recognize it as Sanzo's – because he has never actually been this close to hear Sanzo's heart beat before. In the back of his mind, he can see the man whose heart beats the same as Sanzo's. No, not a man. A God. The one with the long golden hair that shines like the sun, the one with the bored eyes that light up only for rare moments.

He sees himself in the arms of the Sun, cradled helplessly like the child he is. He cannot recall why he's huddled against the God's body, faced pressed hard into his chest, arms locked tightly around his waist. He knows he has done something wrong, something horrible, and his Sun is going to pay the price because of what he has done. So are the other two – the perverted general and the kind field marshal.

And there was another... That boy who has already paid his dues for him. There had been so much blood and he could not remember what happened afterward. Everything had gone numb, the world was a jumbled mess of colors and unfamiliar faces before he woke in the arms of the Goddess's nephew. But he could remember hundreds of screaming voices, and the taste of blood was still pungent on his tongue.

Goku asks what he did wrong, but the God does not reply. He stares ahead and his usually bored eyes are alive with anger and fear. He asks again, still he gets no answer. When he attempts to move out of the other's embrace, the God holds him tighter to his chest, pressing his ear to the place where his heart would be.

The gesture makes Goku's eyes water because the pounding his ear tells him just how terrified his Sun is right now.

Goku apologizes. The older deity calls him stupid and tells him to shut up, that he does not want to hear it right now. Goku obeys, nodding awkwardly against the other's chest.

He hears a door being kicked open and the grip around him tightens and he cannot see anything because the Sun suddenly has a hand over his eyes. The soldiers shout cruel things, wicked things that promise lifetimes of pain as they force the two apart.

"Close your eyes," the Sun says and Goku dutifully does as he is told, but closing his eyes does not stop the tears, nor does it stop him from screaming the God's name as he's torn away from him.

And in the silence that follows, as he is banished into the darkness, all Goku can remember is the heartbeat of the Sun.

---

Goku wakes between cotton sheets with a strange pang in his chest. His heart aches, longing for something lost to the ages. He stares at the ceiling of the hotel and tries to figure out his emotions, tries to recall his dreams. He remembers nothing, as usual.

He screws up his face, suddenly smelling cigarette smoke. Looking to the foot of his bed, he sees Sanzo keeping an ever silent vigil on him from the doorway of the cramped room.

"You were out for two days," the monk informs him.

"What happened?" Goku asks, putting a hand to his head, touching his golden coronet delicately with his fingers.

Sanzo does not reply.

"What'd I do?" Goku persists. Suddenly he has the feeling of deja-vu.

Sanzo shrugs and takes a drag on his cigarette. He blows the smoke out then responds, "the usual. Beat the hell out of Kougaiji and his crew, broke three of Hakkai's ribs, dislocated Gojyo's shoulder and kicked the shit out of me until I was able to put a new diadem on you."

"Oh," Goku mumbles and his fists tighten around the sheets bunched together in his hands. Guilt from centuries ago makes him choke on the lump in his throat that he cannot swallow. He ducks his head, obscuring Sanzo's view of his face as shoulders start to tremble.

He wishes he knew just why this hurt so much every single time. It should not – it is not his fault, he cannot control Seiten Taisei!

...and that is the part that hurts the most, because he knows he must have done something terrible in his true form to be sealed away inside of that cave for so long.

"Are you crying?" Sanzo asks, flicking the butt of his cigarette onto the wooden floor and quickly snuffing it with the bottom of his sandal.

"No," Goku lies. His knuckles turn white against the sheets as Sanzo steps closer at an agonizingly slow pace. The monk sits down beside the ancient boy and puts a hand to his head, forcing him to look him in the face.

"Stupid monkey," Sanzo mutters. He will not wipe away Goku's tears because Goku wears them well, they give the illusion of humanity in the boy that is not a God, not a Demon and as far from human as they come. He will not bring Goku closer and comfort him because he does not need to – Goku is already leaning in and pushing his way passed Sanzo's hand to Sanzo's chest.

"M'not stupid," Goku says between quiet sobs. "You're stupid," he counters childishly.

Sanzo says nothing in response. He merely looks down at the mess of brown hair accented by a hint of gold near the forehead and is thankful Goku cannot see the ghost of a smile on his lips.

"You hear me?" Goku persists, slowly wrapping his arms around the monk.

"It's hard to ignore you," Sanzo replies curtly. There has never been a time when he has not heard the heretic's voice.

"Good. Ya damned bastard," Goku whimpers. "'Cause you're so the one bein' stupid here," he says brokenly as he pushes his cheek against Sanzo's chest, his ear where Sanzo's heart lies buried beneath flesh and bone and muscle.

Sanzo flinches but Goku stays firmly in place. This feels like the most natural thing in the world and he knows he will not get another chance to feel this at ease again for a long, long time.

"Don't get too comfortable," Sanzo says bitterly. Goku does not hear him. All he hears is Sanzo's heartbeat, and he feels his dreams dancing at the edge of his mind, daring him to remember the Sun.

-End