Hey!

No I'm not dead. I just took like… a month off from writing. Oops.

You wouldn't have wanted me to be writing anyway. It would have been… not good.

But this is seriously the longest chapter ever. So, that makes up for it. Right?

If you have to pee, do it now. I'm not kidding about it being long.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

He saw her the second that she entered the hallway; she noticed him a moment later. They made eye contact only briefly before she continued down the hall. Within seconds he had intercepted her and grabbing her hand pulled her into the nearby conference room.

He took her firmly by the shoulders and seated her in a chair at the end of the table, "You sit there and think," he instructed her as he crossed the room, putting a large distance between them, "I'll stand here and think."

She stared at him.

He thought for a few moments then glanced up at her, "You're not thinking."

Addison looked at him incredulously, "I don't know what I am suppose to be thinking about."

"Us," Derek exclaimed as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Us," Addison said slowly, "You show up at my house. You say you want more, I don't even know what you want more of, and now you are telling me to think? I don't know what to think Derek. I have never been so confused in my life."

"What are we going to do?"

"About what!"

"About us Addison! What are we going to do?"

"Nothing!"

"We..." he began, leaning against the counter that held the coffee maker.

"Derek," Addison warned him, "There is noth..."

"Meredith is very fragile right now. She needs me…" he began what was obviously a semi-rehearsed speech.

Addison's eyes widened in surprise, "What are you…"

"She needs stability…"

"Derek!"

"Addison!" he exclaimed, "Just listen to me. I can't leave Meredith."

"You won't leave Mered..."

"You won't leave Geoff either!"

"You never asked me too," Addison replied calmly, then realized what she had just implied, "Not that it… makes… a difference."

There was a long silence.

"Derek, I'm happy with Geoffrey. I love him."

Derek stared down at his shoes, then dismissing her comment looked back up at her, "Would you? Leave him?"

"Will you leave Meredith?"

"Meredith is sick! She hasn't even been out of rehab a month!"

"Then I guess it doesn't matter if I'll leave Geoff or not."

"Then what are we suppose to do?"

Addison looked away.

"It doesn't leave us many options."

"For what?"

"Us."

"To do what?"

"Be together."

Addison stared at him for a moment, "What do you want Derek..."

"You."

"For what?" Addison asked in exasperation, "Is this a sex thing? You want to have sex with me?"

"No! Well yes… but…" Derek shook his head and started again, "Only if that's what you want," his jaw tensed in exasperation, "Of course I want to have sex with you, I have a pulse. But I want you. Us."

"Why?"

"Why?" Derek couldn't believe she was fighting him on this, "Addison…"

"No," she stood up, "It doesn't matter why. I can't…" She looked everywhere but him before moving to the door.

"Addison," Derek lunged forward and grabbed her hand.

"Derek," She pulled her hand away, "I'm happy." She said firmly, "I haven't been happy like this in years. And I'm not going to mess it up because…" she paused, "No. I just won't do it. I'm sorry that you are not perfectly content with life right now, but eventually things with Meredith will be perfect and wonderful again and you will thank me for walking away right now."

Derek grabbed her elbow and pushed her back into her chair, "I need you," he said firmly sitting down in the chair beside her and turning it so they faced each other, "I don't know why, I don't know why now… I don't know anything. I just know that I want more then a few accidental encounters that leave us both feeling overwhelmingly guilty."

"And you think that if we both agree to it before hand, if it's not an accident, that we won't feel guilty? What is wrong with you?"

"I don't know," he exclaimed, "But at least when I'm feeling guilty about being with you I feel something."

Addison sighed, leaned forward and buried her face in her hands, "I'm to sober for this conversation."

XXXX

"I thought you were kidding."

Addison's eyes slid over as he seated himself beside her, "I wish you were." She took a sip of her drink and stared straight ahead, "And it's just juice in a pretty cup."

He smiled, "I'm glad you're thinking about it at least."

"I'm not," she lied, "I'm eating lunch."

Derek moved over to sit across from her and folded his hands on top of the table, "It's either this or nothing."

"Then it's nothing," she said simply.

"Addison!" he exclaimed louder then he meant to, "Addison," he repeated, softer this time, "I know that you want this."

"No, Derek. I really don't."

"Then why are you listening when I talk about it?"

Addison poked at her lunch but avoided eye contact.

"I've tried to find a way around this. We've both tried to ignore it and it's exhausting. Addison…" he sighed heavily, "This is ridiculous. We went from being everything to each other to thinking that we could be nothing. That's stupid. We are being stupid about this. We should be able to have whatever relationship we want. Whatever makes us happy." He paused, "That's my conclusion."

She glanced at him apprehensively then stared out the window for a long time, "How would this work?" she asked finally, "Hypothetically."

"I don't know," Derek admitted, "But at least we would have something."

Addison's voice was calm as she weighed the possibilities, "You live with her. And she has roommates, including Callie. I can't go there. Three of us work at this hospital. Geoff has a key to my condo so that would be risky. Hotels are tacky, and it would get really expensive. We can't ever go out anywhere," she sighed, "So what? What does that leave us?" She shrugged and gave up, "Nothing."

He stared at the table for along time, "The trailer."

"Excuse me?"

"The trailer…"

"No. I heard you. I just didn't believe you."

"It leaves us the trailer. As far as Meredith knows it's closed up, Geoff wouldn't look for you. We'd have everything we needed up there. We could even cook dinner, go out for walks, watch movies."

"The trailer," she bit the inside of her lip, "Do you know what we are talking about doing?"

"It's this or nothing."

"We are talking about having an affair, Derek."

"Addison. What other choice do we have?"

Addison stared over his shoulder, "Meredith just walked in the door."

Derek glanced at the door, waved to Meredith and turned back to Addison.

Addison was shaking her head and gathering her things, "No."

"Addison…"

"I love him to much, Derek. It's not worth it. You are not worth it."

XXXX

"If he is going to move in he could at least unpack." Izzie stood in the middle of the living room, hands on her hips.

"It's one box," George muttered, attempting to see past her to the TV. There was a marathon of classic spiderman episodes. Besides, he was currently using the box as an ottoman.

"I'm unpacking it," Izzie declared, pushing George's feet unceremoniously off of the box and onto the floor with a thud.

"Why?"

"Because this is the last box. The interesting box. The mystery box. The box that he doesn't want to deal with opening."

George's interest peaked and he sat up, "What do you think is in it?"

"I don't know. That's why we are unpacking it."

"Oh, so we are snooping thr-..."

"No! No. We are 'unpacking'. The box is clearly in the way."

George nodded.

"Knife."

George handed her the knife from the nearby desk.

Izzie slowly cut through the tape freeing the flaps of the box. She glanced at George, He slowly nodded. She nodded back, and opened the box.

"Tapes," Izzie grabbed one at random, "Neurozi-..., I can't even pronounce that," She held it up for him to see, "Can you say that?"

George shook his head.

"I'll make popcorn."

"I'll hook up the VCR."

XXXX

"That was gross."

"Not as gross as the third one."

"What are you putting in now?"

"Whatever was next in the pile."

"Put it away."

"Do something."

Addison rolled her eyes, "I'm doing the dishes."

There was a long pan of Addison's bare legs, "Do something else."

"Derek, come dry please."

The camera now focused on her chest, trying to catch a peek of her breast through the neck of her shirt.

"Addy, could you pass me the vase on the sill?"

Addison reached forward causing her shirt to gape, "What do you need... Derek!"

The camera lens was suddenly covered in suds.

George hit the stop button and froze.

Izzie sat motionless on the floor.

"We shouldn't be watching these," George murmured.

With out looking at George she placed the new tape in the VCR.

He pressed play.

"... put it in storage."

"Because I hate it."

"We have had this camera for 8 years. It's like a part of the family.

"It's like my Aunt Ruth, should only appear at family reunions," Addison said as she poured glasses of wine.

"It's Christmas Day."

"They are in the trailer," George said softly.

"I know."

"This was in Seattle."

"I know."

Izzie and George jumped as on screen Addison dropped the filled wine goblets.

"Addy, don't move," Derek warned, dropping the camera on it's side, so everything was on a diagonal, "You're in your bare feet."

"Ouch!"

"I told you not to move."

"I didn't."

Derek scooped her up and carried her away from the glass, setting her down on the bed, "Does it hurt?"

She nodded.

He gently lifted her foot and examined the bottom, "You have a shard of glass imbedded in your foot. I told you not to move."

"Ugh," she sighed, collapsing onto her back, "Is it bleeding?"

"No."

"Are you lying?"

He didn't reply, just disappeared into the bathroom.

"I hate blood."

"You're a doctor."

"That's other peoples blood."

Derek reemerged and sat on the end of the bed and pulled her foot on to his lap.

She propped herself back up on her elbow, "What are you doing?"

"Getting the glass out."

"With tweezers?"

He glanced at her apologetically.

"It's that deep?" She sat up even more.

"Just hold still."

Addison inhaled sharply, "Okay... No! Wait!"

"Add, come on," he said gently, "I won't hurt you."

She looked at him a moment, "Hold my hand."

"We shouldn't be watching this."

Addison's grip tightened on Derek's hand and she buried her face against his forearm.

"Hold still."

She winced, enough that the camera picked it up on the other side of the trailer. Derek untangled his arm from her grasp and moved it to run over her hair and down her back. His other hand firmly held a clean cloth on her foot to staunch the bleeding. He murmured something to her and she looked up and smiled, a few tears falling down her cheeks when she squinted her eyes.

He checked her foot, "I think you'll live," he smiled leaning over and kissing her forehead then pressing his forehead against hers.

This time it was Izzie that pressed stop. Wordlessly she put in another tape.

"...makes me nervous," Mark's voice floated out as Addison came into focus.

"Why?"

"I don't know what you two do with this thing."

Addison smirked at the camera, a slow grin spreading across her face, "Naughty things."

"So do something naughty."

Addison smiled.

"Come on," Mark teased, "Get naked."

Addison shook her head, grin still in place as the camera panned up her crossed legs.

"A little striptease. For his birthday."

"He can get that in the flesh."

"My birthday?"

"Hey Sweetheart."

The camera followed Addison as she walked over and met her husband, focusing on her rear as she kissed her husband, "Hey birthday boy."

"What are you doing here?"

"Stealing you away for a quickie lunch."

"Blatant innuendo," Mark murmured to the camera.

"I don't really have time..."

"You don't want to... eat."

"Another time, I promise," He kissed her lightly on the lips, caressing her cheek with his thumb.

"I'll pick you up at 7," Addison sighed as he turned away, "Our reservation is at 8."

He turned slowly back around.

"And you forgot."

"I'm sorry."

"Derek..."

"We'll go another night. I promise. We can go tomorrow."

"But it's Alejandro's Derek."

"Tomorrow," he promised again, kissing her again before leaving.

"Alejandro's?" Mark questioned, camera trained on Derek's retreating figure before sliding back to Addison, "Don't you have to book that months in advance?"

"Three," she sighed, "Turn that off."

Izzie took the tape out and sat back on her heels, "I feel..."

"Sad..."

"Yeah."

"And kinda..."

"Conflicted..."

"Yeah."

"So are we..."

"Watching another one?"

"Cause the next one might..." Izzie faltered.

"Prove that he is good enough for our friend."

"Right."

They glanced at each other.

"Last one."

The screen was empty of people. There was a bed, but no people. No talking. No moving.

Just breathing. Heavy laboured breathing.

A hand entered the shot. A woman's hand. Addison's hand. A moment later it was joined by another hand. A mans hand. Derek's hand.

They weren't sure why neither was making a move to stop the tape. Maybe it was morbid curiosity, or maybe it was because neither had ever seen a moment that just radiated emotion like this one did.

The hands moved slowly against each other. Sometimes the fingers would entangle lightly, other times they would just lightly caress each other, memorizing each other.

They locked together tightly. Knuckles almost turning white. Fingers would stretch out momentarily, then clasp each other tightly again.

Izzie glanced back at George. He met her eye only for a moment then looked back at the TV leaning forward.

The camera had been moved, now their faces where visible. Forehead to forehead, eyes closed, breathing deeply, glistening with sweat.

"I love you," he murmured.

"I know," she smiled, eyes still closed.

He chuckled.

"I love you too."

"I know," he kissed the tip of her nose, "But I love you more."

Izzie and George jumped as the door closed. With barely a glance at each other they both frantically tried to stop the tape.

"What are you doing?" Meredith questioned, walking into the living room with Derek at her side.

"Nothing."

"Unpacking."

"Right unpacking."

"What are you watching?"

"Nothing."

"Just stuff."

"Surgeries."

"Boring ones."

Derek looked at them suspiciously, but they avoided his gaze.

"Lemme see."

"No!"

But she grabbed the remote.

George inwardly cursed his old-school VCR. It rewound to show the last 10 seconds of footage.

"I love you too."

"I know. But I love you more."

Meredith hit the pause button, freezing on Derek and Addison millimeters from a kiss. She stared at the screen a long time, seemingly studying it, "I'm going to bed."

Derek stared at the floor, not making eye contact with her as she passed by him. Wordlessly he retrieved the tape from the VCR and disappeared into the kitchen.

Izzie and George exchanged a glance. George walked over the desk and returned with a roll of tape. Silently Izzie re-taped the box and placed it exactly where it had been.

XXXX

At 3:17 am Meredith Grey sat at the top of her staircase watching the reflection of the TV bounce off the walls.

Down on the couch Derek took another gulp of scotch and hit rewind and play. Again.

"I love you too."

"I know, But I love you more."

XXXX

He awoke, freezing cold, to the sun shining brightly in his eyes. Derek groaned and sat up, swinging his legs out over the side of the couch. He had fallen asleep watching videos.

He ran his hand over his face and took in his surroundings. They were all gone. His home movies with Addison had been strewn all over the floor as he had searched through them looking for specific events that he remembered and moments that he recalled so vaguely that he had to watch them again to assure himself that they had really happened.

He stood up and looked around the room, searching for an explanation. He spotted his old surgical videos lined up on a nearby shelf; arranged chronologically by year and then alphabetically.

There was no sign of the rest of the tapes.

He entered the kitchen cautiously. Meredith was standing against the counter, a mug of tea in her hand, a box at her elbow. He didn't have to guess to know what it contained.

"Morning," he said slowly, almost as a question.

She took an unnecessarily long sip of her tea then placed the mug carefully in the sink, "Morning."

"I'm sorry," he apologized, to tired to ease his way into the apology.

She nodded briskly, "Okay," she turned away from him and placed a palm on the box, "It's Tuesday, don't forget the garbage," picking up the box she slung her purse over her shoulder and headed for the door.

"Meredith."

She turned back and looked at him, her expression unreadable.

"Your hair looks really nice today."

She stared at him a moment longer, "I'll see you at work."

XXXX

Addison exhaled loudly and stared out the large hospital windows over the water.

"Addison?"

She turned around, surprised to see Meredith standing a few feet away. She smiled as best she could, "Good morning Meredith."

"Morning," Meredith's smile was a fake as Addison's, "Derek and I were unpacking the last of his stuff last night and we found some of your things mixed in with his."

"Oh," Addison looked at her in surprise, reaching out and taking the box.

Meredith smiled again, "I'm so relieved to have all those boxes gone," she said with false sweetness, "Now we can really move on with our life."

Addison returned the smile, "I'm thrilled you're so happy."

Meredith smiled one last time and left, leaving Addison to peek inside the box.

Home movies.

Her brow furrowed in confusion. At the other end of the hall Derek stared at her quizzically before following Meredith in the opposite direction.

XXXX

Addison slammed the door and stared at the box of tapes now sitting in the backseat of her car.

"Are you going to watch them?"

Addison turned slowly to face Derek. Her patience was wearing thin. "You're stalking me."

He took a few steps closer, his hands buried in the pocket of his jacket.

"I've said 'no' Derek. I'm saying 'no'. I will never say anything but 'no'."

"I know why."

"Why what?'

"Why I want this."

"Why," Addison demanded, finally getting angry, "Why is it that after all this time you finally decide you want me?"

"Because things make sense."

"What things?"

"Everything."

She stared at him, her eyes flashing with anger and frustration, "That doesn't make any sense, Derek. Nothing you say lately makes sense."

"No," he protested, "It does. It does, just…" he paused, "When I'm around you I feel more," he explained, using 'more' almost as a name for what he felt.

"More," she repeated slowly.

"Ya," he backed away, "Just watch the tapes."

XXXX

Addison pushed some hair out of her face and pressed her head hard into the pillow. Geoffrey panted loudly in her ear, pressing wet kisses against her shoulder. Addison turned her head, kissing him hard just so he would stop.

He shifted his weight to one side and moved his mouth and hand to her breast, enthusiastically turning his attention there.

She glanced at the digital clock beside the bed. 12:37. Twelve minutes since the first time she had checked. Eight minutes since the second time. Six minutes since the third and only 2 since the last time she glanced over.

She stared at the ceiling and tried again to speed the process along. She wrapped her legs tightly around his waist, rocking her hips a bit faster. Then she planted her feet firmly on the mattress and met his thrusts as hard as she could. Groaning in frustration she let her legs fall open as wide as they could get, digging her fingers into his flesh and pulling him into her as deep as he could go.

"Oh, Addy."

She stopped herself just short of rolling her eyes; it only figured that he would take her moans of annoyance as positive reinforcement.

She glanced at the clock. 12:42. Seventeen minutes.

She swallowed hard and forced a low moan. She arched her back and whimpered in his ear. She bit down on her lip, unsure of how to proceed. "Geoffrey," she groaned in the breathiest voice she could muster. She buried her face against his neck, forcing her breathing to become faster and faster, more and more jagged.

"I love you," he gasped, sliding his arms under her to grip around her shoulders and across her back. He held her tightly thrusting harder and harder the louder and more laboured her breathing became.

Addison gasped and groaned with every movement, trying her hardest to sound as excited as possible. She had no idea if the noises that she was making where even remotely close to what she normally did, but he seemed to love it, so she wasn't going to stop.

A groan caught in her throat. She started to cough.

He pulled away, looking at her with concern.

"No," she cried pulling him back, "I'm so close," she lied. She counted to ten, then resumed her chorus of panting and groaning.

Taking a deep breath, she tensed every muscle in her body until she trembled, gasping breathlessly every few seconds. She clenched and released around him as fast and as hard as she could, rolling her head from side to side simply for effect.

"Ugh," he grunted in her ear, collapsing on top of her, breathing hard into her ear.

She resisted the urge to pat him on the back and congratulate him on finally achieving an orgasm, at least for himself. She pushed some damp hair out of her face; she had worked up a sweat from the exertion of faking it.

"That was fantastic," she said softly as he kissed her and rolled to his side.

"You were fantastic," he replied sleepily.

She glanced at the clock. I2:44.

She waited until she was sure that he was asleep and slipped out of bed. She threw on her robe and left the room without a backwards glance.

To say that she hated Derek Shepherd in that moment would have been an understatement. The box of tapes had been on her mind all day, driving her to distraction, and that distractions had pretty much ruined what should have been some pretty spectacular sex.

Those damn tapes. They had tons of them; they received the first video camera as an engagement gift and proceeded to tape everything of importance and a lot of things that weren't. She would be lying if she said she wasn't curious to know what Meredith was so desperate to get out of her house.

Her chest tightened as she watched Derek pick the glass out of her foot. She had been miserable, but he had made a bit of an effort to ensure that at least Christmas Day hadn't been horrible. He had bought her a couple gifts that she had loved and filled a stocking full of fun little presents for her, like they always did, even though she hadn't done the same for him.

She cried as she watched herself grinning and glowing as she told her family that Adrienne had just given birth to her first daughter, whom she had delivered. Derek had given her roses and an emerald pendant to celebrate. He always gave her birthstone jewelry when she delivered one of their nieces or nephews.

But eight tapes later, as she watched Derek tell her that he loved her more, her eyes were dry. She stared at the screen long after the tape ran out and started to rewind itself. Her fingers tapped anxiously against her leg. She ran her fingers through her hair and reached for the phone beside the couch. She covered her eyes with her hands, shaking her head from side as she listened to the phone ring.

"Hello?" his voice was groggy and full of sleep.

She glanced at the clock on the VCR, 3:01. She was acutely aware that he was probably in bed with Meredith at that moment.

"Hello?" he said again.

"Okay," she said softly.

He was silent a long moment, "Ya?"

"Ya."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I'm so confused. Well I am and I'm not. I may be slightly less confused then Addison and Derek. But only slightly.

'Cause I really do think that they love Meredith and Geoffrey.

I haven't really figured out what they feel for each other.

Review.

I insist.

Oh. Wait. In case you haven't noticed I change the title all the time, so 'author alert' is sometimes a better choice then relying on 'story alert'… actually both is the way to go. I try to warn people when I am ending one and planning on starting another but…

Ya…

Now you can review… 