Yes, it's finally here, though not complete, I now have a couple of chapters so I feel better about posting one...so, yeah...enjoy, ignore the crack-y title...this should be fun...or something

Pop Goes the Weasel

The only noticeable difference, at first, was that Harry used a crowbar in class instead of a wand and he wasn't really allowed in Potions, Herbology, or Care of Magical Creatures for a while.

Then he started keeping all his things around his bed or on him at all times, then he got paranoid, and then he started disappearing.

Then he came back…with Fawkes.

It was pretty weird.

But since it was Harry Potter no one really said anything, but speculated endlessly.

Harry speculated too, but only when he was wrapped up in the tiny fortress he'd made up in the boy's dorm. He was currently skipping Charms because he felt like it and Fawkes cooed comfortingly to him from his perch on the bed-post.

"How do you stand it?" Harry asked Fawkes, who puffed himself up and began preening.

"Yes," Harry agreed, "Combing my hair helps me forgot how disgusting it is here too."

Harry rolled over and groaned, saying, "So fucking yellow and I'm so fucking tired of it."

Fawkes squawked momentarily, and glared down at Harry from under a wing.

"Teenager, remember, we cuss," Harry told the bird, "don't like it, don't stay. And Ginny, and that random Ravenclaw she hangs out with all the time, and Nott and Parkinson. The yellow burns me, I hate to look at them, you do too, right?"

Fawkes clearly didn't want to reveal his true feelings of distain toward the yellow students and continued preening as though he hadn't heard Harry.

"It's okay," Harry replied, "I know how you really feel. You don't have to say anything."

There was a knock on the closed door, and then it was slowly opened.

"Harry, my dear boy?" Dumbledore called from behind the cracked door, "may I come in?"

"Yeah," Harry replied, as he pulled himself up to sit on the edge of the bed. Dumbledore slowly ventured into the room toward Harry.

"Ah!" Harry exclaimed, pointing to a chalk line that curved from the wall all the way around his bed, "respect the perimeter!"

Dumbledore looked down at his feet, he was toeing the line, "Oh my…"

Dumbledore turned and paced along the perimeter, Harry shrewdly watching his every move to make sure he didn't come any closer.

"I just…sometimes need some room to myself," Harry explained.

"During Charms class?" Dumbledore asked curiously.

"Especially during Charms," Harry replied vehemently.

Dumbledore looked up at him startled and asked, "Why Charms?"

Harry grinned sheepishly and replied, "It's mandatory."

"Precisely why you should be there—"

"Precisely why it's the best class to skip for some time alone," Harry corrected, and Fawkes made a soft chuckling noise that drew Dumbledore's attention to him or the first time.

"So this is where Fawkes has been," Dumbledore said brightly, "I'd been wondering where he'd wandered off to. I haven't seen much of you old friend," Dumbledore told Fawkes.

"Course not," Harry replied, "Me and Fawkes are homies."

Fawkes trilled in what could possibly be amusement, and ruffled his feathers.

"Fawkes needs a break too sometimes, he doesn't like to admit it, but he likes it better here," Harry replied, "you're too…gold."

Fawkes made the soft chuckling noise again, and flapped over perch on Dumbledore's shoulder.

"Fawkes you've been tainted! Now you can't come back in the clubhouse!" Harry yelled in accusation.

Fawkes twisted his head around, almost all the way, to stare at Harry.

"Oh, you think that's so special—"

"Harry, my dear boy, we need to talk."

Harry groaned and fell back on his bed, saying, "What else is new?"

"You've been acting rather erratic recently, Harry."

"Strangely enough, my behavior seems perfectly rational to me," Harry declared. "I understand everything that I do perfectly, and I'd offer to explain, but it would just take all the mystery out of it."

"I'm worried for you, Harry," Dumbledore him, walking up to toe the line of the perimeter before Harry once more.

Harry propped himself up on an elbow, face rife with sarcastic disbelief, "The hell you are! Get out, or I'll really give you something to worry about—and I'm skipping Herbology tomorrow, FYI, so schedule some quality time for us to talk again."

Dumbledore stared at Harry in shock. Harry smiled at him wryly and said, "That was a dismissal, okay, bye."

Harry twiddled his fingers in a mock-effeminate way and fell back onto the bed, heavily.

Dumbledore made a few more attempts to talk to Harry who steadfastly ignored him, and finally the man left, but Fawkes remained behind. He flapped his way over to alight as a hot, heavy, and comforting purple weight on his chest. Fawkes stared at Harry cooing and making strange chuckling noises.

"I think I'm going to barf," Harry conceded, "or die. Or both."

To Harry's immense embarrassment he felt tears squeeze out of his eyes and slide down into his ears, but he couldn't summon up the energy to wipe them away.

Fawkes crooned softly and his eyes gained a pearly sheen that Harry had become very familiar with.

"Being in the same room equals instant headache, having him here, violating the perimeter is just about the worst thing ever," Harry told Fawkes, "how do you keep it from bothering you? How can you stand it?"

Fawkes continued his crooning and began preening Harry's hair that felt heavy and sweaty. A tear hit high on Harry's forehead and soon after Harry's head began clearing and Fawkes whistled, hopping off Harry's chest onto the bed.

"What?" Harry asked as Fawkes flew over to perch on a post of Ron's bed. Fawkes whistled once more and flapped his wings. Harry got out of bed and headed to the edge of the perimeter, only to shudder back when the full wave of Dumbledore's gold hit him, his stomach roiled and his eyes went black from the throbbing of his headache.

Fawkes whistled again, this time more sharply and a heavy weight fell hard of Harry's shoulder, before talons dug into his skin. Fawkes flapped his wings hard and the force was enough to cause Harry to stumble forward lest he loose his balance.

This went on for a while, until Harry, ever slow finally caught on and allowed Fawkes to direct him by pointing his tiny red head in a certain direction.

Harry was just glad they had made it outdoors before the classes released; his delicate constitution couldn't talk much more of yellow, orange, or any of the other various shades of both colors.

A few yards from the forest, Fawkes ceased his directions and took off at a seemingly effortless glide to perch on a branch of one of the first trees. He waited for Harry to catch up, trilling short ditties, a habit he'd formed since hanging out with Harry. Harry wasn't going to complain though; he liked a little musical variety…so long as they weren't shows.

"Are you taking me off-campus?" Harry asked, once he stood under the tree Fawkes was perched on, "I bet you are…but why?"

Fawkes trilled in a slightly sarcastic manner and tossed his head and ruffled his feathers.

"You're going to turn me over to Voldemort, aren't you?!" Harry demanded, but he couldn't quite keep a straight face and ended up grinning. "Kidding, kidding. But where are we going?"

Fawkes whistled again and flew further into the forest, just under the lowest level of branches. Harry followed, at a much slower pace back to where the newer trees and small scrubs stopped and the more ancient trees began.

Fawkes was perched on a tree that seemed almost like a black hole of energy that called to Harry. Harry made his way over to the tree and pushed his head against the rough bark.

His headache and nausea went away almost immediately, and an incredible sense of purpleblue flowed over him like a waterfall. It was by far the best moment he'd had since the incident.

He fell to the base of the tree and his head lolled back so the bark was tangling with his hair.