So yeah, for some reason I'm feeling particularly angsty. I don't know what it is but I'm thinking about my past a lot for some reason, well as much of a past as I can have. I'm really thinking hard about the past four years for some reason though and a certain person in particular. Why have I decided to share this story with the world? I don't really know; maybe I'm looking for some closure, I don't know. I don't think there is much closure to be had in a situation like this, and I'm hopeful that the story isn't over yet.

Confused yet? I wouldn't be surprised if you were but hopefully after you read it will start to make sense.

This story is based off of true events in my life. I've tried to follow all of the events as accurately as my mind remembers them. Certain assumptions must be made because clearly I can't know what another person was thinking or feeling. Therefore the story is totally in Kimiko's POV since she is the character representing my role in the story. Certain OC's have been made to fill in gaps that Xiaolin Showdown had no character to fill in and some characters might seem OOC but that's because I've taken certain liberties. Names and Places have been changed mostly for my protection. I highly doubt anyone I know that was involved with this story will ever read it but its nice to have a backup incase.

Also, I didn't even make the connection until after I'd finished writing the majority of the story, I used the name Ashley as an OC. This is not the Katnappe Ashley. At one time I toyed with the idea but my conscious wouldn't let me do it. In fact, the only Xiaolin Characters that show up are Kimiko, Raimundo, Jack, Clay, and Keiko. Not much of a Xiaolin Showdown story- oops. Oh well.

That said please read, I'm not asking you to enjoy. I'm mainly doing this to elevate some of the things I've been holding inside for a long time.

(xxxxxxxxx-changes the story from the present to the past and vice versa)

(xxxxxxxxx- changes scenes/times while retelling the past)

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"I didn't come this far, for you to make this hard for me

And now you wanna ask me 'how'?

Its like- how does your heart beat? Why do you breathe?

Why did you come here? You weren't invited

You were on the outside, stay on the outside

And now you want to ask me 'why'?

Its like-how does your heart beat?

And how do you cry?

How does your heart beat?

And there are some things that I'd like to figure out

There are some things that I can do with

Like you and your letters that go on forever

You and the people that were never friends, never friends

With all the things that you could be

You never could learn how to be me

And now you want to ask me how…"

-Lisa Lobe 'How'

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"Hey," Keiko asked and Kimiko looked up from her book.

"What?" she asked curious as to what her friend wanted.

"You sure you're going to be ok by yourself?" Keiko asked for what felt to be the millionth time and Kimiko smiled.

"Positive," Kimiko answered confidently. "I've got plans for the whole weekend so you don't need to feel bad about leaving."

"I could just kill my boss," Keiko went on looking upset. "The only reason he picked me is because I'm the new girl."

"All the more reason for you to go without complaint to prove that you can take anything they throw at you," Kimiko said with a nod of her head.

"I'm just pissed that they had to pull this power play the while you're here," Keiko muttered and Kimiko gave a sympathetic nod. She didn't like that Keiko had to leave for one of the weekends Kimiko was visiting but it couldn't be helped and Kimiko told her so. "But still," Keiko went on.
"Enough," Kimiko said firmly. "It's really ok."

"I just hate for you to be alone this weekend," Keiko answered and the way she said 'this' made Kimiko wince inwardly. She was doing her best to keep her mind off of that.

"Its all good," Kimiko tried to assure her best friend of the past four years. The two had been roommates in their freshman year of college and had remained impossibly close since then. Keiko had become a resident assistant from there sophomore year on so the two hadn't been able to be roommates again but that hadn't stopped a close friendship from blooming. After their graduation nearly three months ago Keiko had moved to the city that Kimiko had called home for nearly all of her life. However Kimiko's family had moved the year before and Kimiko's graduate studies were taking her out to Phoenix starting in the end of August, only a short four weeks away. Kimiko's visit to Keiko and her childhood home had been planned since graduation but Keiko's boss had sprung the business trip last week and there was no way for Keiko to get out of it.

"I promise," Kimiko repeated when Keiko looked at her doubtfully. "It'll be good, I'm going to meet up with some people from high school so it's really alright. And you're leaving me your car so I can get around easily. You really don't need to worry."

"That doesn't stop my guilt," Keiko said twisting her lips together.

"I can't help you with that," Kimiko smiled and shook her head. There was a honk outside that caught both girls' attention.

"I guess that's my ride," Keiko said glumly. She was the youngest and only girl on the trip and Kimiko knew that was making her somewhat uncomfortable.

"Go whip those boys into shape," Kimiko said with a wink as the two moved to the door. "And kick ass at that conference." The two hugged before opening the door and walking out onto the open air walkway of Keiko's second floor apartment. Over the railing the company car was waiting to take Keiko to the airport and Keiko gave a heavy sigh.

"I guess I'll see you on Monday evening?" Keiko asked.

"I'll be waiting at the gate," Kimiko promised and the two hugged again, only to be interrupted by another honk. Keiko groaned and rolled her eyes.

"Monday can't come fast enough," she muttered turning away and walking down the stairs. Kimiko waited, watching over the railing as one of her colleagues took her bag and Keiko climbed into the car, pausing for one last wave at Kimiko. Kimiko waved back and watched Keiko drive out of sight, only then did she let out a heavy sigh. It thoroughly sucked that Keiko was gone. Kimiko wasn't sure if it was coincidental or her subconscious protecting her but somehow her trip overlapped with that weekend, the one she'd been trying to keep from her mind since she first heard the date had been moved up. Kimiko allowed herself to be lost in the noises of the night, cicadas buzzing insistently, frogs croaking loudly in the hunt for food or a mate, and drone of air conditioners trying to fight off the early August heat. Sighing again Kimiko walked back into Keiko's cozy little apartment and locked the door tight behind her.

She'd been lying to Keiko. There were very few people left from high school that she actually talked to and most of them had moved on to bigger and better things. There were a few people from college in the area that she could talk to but at the moment being alone with her book, and maybe a pile of junk food, sounded like the best option. If she kept her mind moving than it wouldn't wander to places that Kimiko desperately didn't want to go. After raiding Keiko's cupboards Kimiko settled on a can of soda and bag of microwave popcorn. No need to dive too deeply into pity food, not yet at least. Rubbing her temples after setting the microwave Kimiko couldn't help another sigh.

'I'm doing that a lot,' she thought to herself. 'But with good reason,' she tried to validate. As she traced the lines of the tile countertop Kimiko gave up the fight and thought about him. It wasn't a hard leap, he was always somewhere in the back of her subconscious, often appearing unwillingly into various random scenarios and dreams. As early as just last night she'd dreamed of him and as always she'd woken up with a mix of comfort and longing. It wasn't fair that he still had such power over her after all these years.

It had started nearly five years ago, just a month or so to go, until it was five years to the day that they had met. Honestly she couldn't remember the exact day but she would never forget the moment as long as she lived.

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Being an only child had made the shift to college hard for Kimiko. She'd been looking forward to college for a long time but now that she was there she was feeling the painful pull of homesickness and the guilt that her mother and father were returning to an empty house. Somehow managing to score the best room on the floor in the most desired freshman building on the tiny campus had distracted her somewhat. Also, getting what was in Kimiko's opinion the best roommate ever, didn't hurt either. Upon her arrival at her tiny private liberal arts college Kimiko had been shocked to find out she was in a co-ed dorm, her top floor was the only girls' floor in the building. She didn't find out until later in the year how lucky she was since she hadn't requested it but had made it in over other people who had it as their top choice. She'd also ended up with an excellent room. Originally set up for three people, the room was larger than the traditional two person room but stuffed tight with enough furniture for three people. Neither Keiko nor Kimiko, who had communicated over the summer through emails and phone calls, had known about the supposed third roommate and to their immense relief the phantom girl never materialized leaving them with what her new friends sarcastically referred to as 'the triple'.

It had become a central meeting point for her new friends and even though classes hadn't started yet, the one week orientation had introduced her to a wide range of people. She'd already become surprisingly close to Keiko and many other girls on the floor but also with many of the boys who shared the dorm. Two in particular stuck out in her mind and had frequented her room many times already.

She met Jack Spicer originally in summer registration, a three day event hosted by the college and was more of a 'pre-orientation' than anything else; letting students mingle, meet with their advisors, and chose classes. Jack had been ahead of her in line at the start of orientation/moving in while she waited to receive her key. She'd barely remembered him but Jack remembered her and had taken to sticking close to her and many of her friends whenever possible. It was fine by Kimiko, she liked Jack despite his somewhat odd behaviors, and it didn't bother her that he probably spent more time in her and Keiko's room than his own. Kimiko had met Josh Turner through Jack and she'd immediately like the gentleman qualities of Josh. Josh was often around as well and Kimiko suspected that he might have some sort of crush on Keiko and that was why he spent so much time with them.

It was the final Saturday of summer, the last one before classes began on Monday, and the freshman were free of all orientation activities and duties as soon as the picnic lunch had ended nearly an hour before. Orientation had been exhausting, the aim of the school to keep their minds and bodies going nonstop so homesickness didn't have a chance to settle in. It had worked for the most part and Kimiko had been tired enough to pass up a trip to the mall that many of her friends, Jack and Keiko included, were going on. Instead Kimiko was determined to finally start and finish up the essay that had been assigned over the summer for the required freshman writing class. Kimiko was certain she didn't need the class but was made to comply with it anyway. Most had finished the essay over the summer but Kimiko had been hard pressed to make herself write the three page drabble about Tom Sawyer. Now with the deadline bearing down on her she'd changed her tune and was finishing the essay when a knock on her opened door caught her attention.

Looking up from her desk stuck in the corner Kimiko smiled when her eyes saw the always identifiable hulk that was Josh Turner but her attention was immediately drawn to the boy next to him and Kimiko's heart gave an uncomfortable flutter that ricocheted from the roots of her hair down to her toes making them curl over her sandals.

"Hey Josh," Kimiko managed to make herself say as she stood and tried not to stare at the boy standing in her doorway with Josh. She'd seen him before, at a distance, it was impossible not to recognize people after being immersed with them for a week, but the boy was only identifiable to her as 'the kid on crutches' though they were missing from him now. Brown hair was pushed carelessly from his face and created a small 'spiked' effect that Kimiko couldn't tell if it was practiced or natural. Impossibly green eyes stood out on a flawless tanned face and there was a small polite smile on his face as he stared back at her.

"Hey Kimiko," Josh responded and brought her attention back to the first boy. "Have you seen Jack?" Josh asked and Kimiko gave a small shake of her head as she walked closer to the door.

"Not in a couple of hours," she explained. "He went to the mall with Keiko and some other people. Some of the other girls already came back, they said Jack and Keiko had too but I haven't seen them." It was becoming hard to keep her eyes off of the mystery boy now because she felt his eyes boring into her from the left as she stood diplomatically in front of them. "Why? What's up?" Kimiko dared to ask.

"Oh, Jack's roommate was looking for him," Josh explained and Kimiko's eyes swept over to the stranger. "Sorry," Josh suddenly realized he hadn't introduced the two. "Kimiko this is Raimundo Pedrosa, he's Jack's roommate." Kimiko smiled in response and recovered quickly from her surprise when he extended a hand toward her. Taking it Kimiko expected just to return a firm handshake but it wasn't the case. Raimundo's hand held hers as they shook, their eyes locking, Raimundo's smile changing from a small polite one to a full blown grin that sent Kimiko reeling.

"Nice to meet you," Raimundo said holding her gaze and her hand for far longer than was normal or expected. "Call me Rai."

"Nice to meet you too," Kimiko managed to reply. She wasn't sure how though. His touch and his smile had her trembling inside. She'd never felt such a strong reaction from a simple touch. Her cheeks felt like they were glowing as she smiled back, her whole body seemed to tingle with nerves and her heart pounded considerably. She was sure it was noticeable but if either boy did notice they thankfully didn't say. Finally after what felt like an eternity, one that Kimiko was sad to see end, Raimundo let go of her hand and Kimiko quickly tucked it back at her side, trying to recover from the unexpected reaction still coursing through her.

"Well," Josh said breaking the trance the two had on one another as they turned their attention back to the forgotten boy, "if you see him tell him we're looking for him."

"Is everything ok?" Kimiko asked.

"Yeah, we're just looking for him," Rai answered and again Kimiko stomach rolled at the sound of his voice.

"When I see him I'll be sure to tell him you stopped by," Kimiko promised and was rewarded with another winning smile.

"Sure, see you later Kimiko," Josh said breaking in against and steered himself and Raimundo away from the door. Kimiko couldn't help but sticking her head about into the hallway as they walked away.

"Nice to meet you," she called after and Raimundo, though limping slightly turned back and chorused a response and smiled genuinely at her. Slipping back into her room Kimiko looked down at her hand and placed it over and still wildly beating heart. She had no idea what to make out of the encounter but she knew she was a goner.

Later, as the evening was beginning to roll in, Kimiko returned from dinner at the campus center to find that her roommate had finally returned, Jack in tow. The redhead was laying spread out on the floor watching the TV. Stepping over him and saying hello to Keiko, Kimiko's mind finally set back on her earlier encounter.

"Oh Jack, I met you're roommate. He stopped by earlier with Josh. They were looking for you."

"Yeah, I already saw them. Rai mentioned meeting you, wouldn't stop talking abou…" he trailed off as if sensing he'd said too much.

"What?" Kimiko asked intrigued.

"Nothing," Jack waved it off and Kimiko didn't push despite the fact that she desperately wanted to know. Keiko sent her a look from where she sat on her bed as Kimiko sat at her desk and flicked on her computer. 'Later' Kimiko mouth to Keiko who nodded and turned back to talk to Jack. Kimiko's mind shut them out as her heart began to flutter wildly again and Kimiko wondered if all of this was a good thing or a bad thing.

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Over the next few days Kimiko tried to keep Raimundo Pedrosa from her mind, tried not to play their encounter up too much in her mind after hearing that half the girls in the school had already fallen for his unbelievable smile. She instead tried to focus on the first week of classes and the numerous clubs starting up on campus as well as all the new arrival of upperclassmen. She saw him a few more times and returned the greeting or smile he threw her way but she decided that pursuing anything with him would be beyond foolish. Kimiko had never been a forward girl in the respects of the opposite sex; she felt she was strong and confident in every other area, except for that. Her last boyfriend had been in the eighth grade and had resulted in her immense embarrassment as he publicly cheated on her and didn't acknowledge her at all as she tried to talk to him. The next year had found her somehow the object of sexual harassment from a boy she'd once considered a friend. The abuse hadn't stopped, Kimiko refusing to show it was getting to her, until a teacher had found her in an empty hallway pinned from behind to her locker by the boy. He'd taken hold of both of her hands, locking them behind her back, tickling her with his free hand and Kimiko had tried to throw him off of her but was unsuccessful. The teacher had obviously broken it up and the boy had been punished, after that leaving her alone for the most part but the experiences had left Kimiko sour with most members of the opposite sex who only seemed intent on getting a rise out of her.

That's why she wasn't going to let her heart lead her anyway with Raimundo Pedrosa since he had heart break written all over him. That plan might have worked out nicely if Raimundo hadn't somehow suddenly become a friend. Kimiko couldn't really say how it happened but they would end up walking to classes together, discussing the books and movies both liked, and eating meals as part of a larger group, but always managing to find seats next to one another. If she had to pinpoint a start to the friendship, outside of their initial meeting, Kimiko would have to say it occurred when he messaged her on the computer one night. Since she hadn't given him her screen name it had surprised her and when she'd told Keiko her confusion Keiko had smiled like a good roommate and explained.

"He asked me for your screen name," Keiko explained with a grin. "He said he wanted to talk to you more." Kimiko's eyes had widened at that and she was sure she'd blushed because Keiko laughed again. She seemed to be the only one of her friends who thought that Raimundo might like her the way she secretly pined for him. Her other girlfriends, even a few of her guy friends who were actually aware of the situation, said that it was just the way Raimundo was. He wasn't even aware that he had so many girls hooked on him.

Even if it wasn't intentional Raimundo had hooked Kimiko but she was determined not to let that get in the way of any friendship they might develop. With that in mind Kimiko did fight hard to keep the flurry of emotion in check when they were together and as their first semester of college of college started to pass them by the two became closer than Kimiko could have hoped for. She, of course, had other friends that she greatly enjoyed spending time with, as did Raimundo but their time alone together was one of the things that she really looked forward to. It was funny because she and Jack practically switched places. Jack seemed to spend more time on the girls' floor talking with Keiko and the others while Kimiko often found herself spending her free time with Raimundo in his room and more then once she'd ended up falling asleep on his bottom bunk with him while reading or watching a movie.

Kimiko often wondered if there was more than then just friendship. He didn't seem to have such a close relationship with any other girl on campus. She was the one he sought out when he wanted help when he decided to run for class president, though many other offers of help came his way. She was the one he'd swap books and movies with, she was the one he'd ask to go to dinner in the dining hall with, she was the one who he'd surprised with a birthday cupcake when he met her outside one of her classes. All of that, and the feelings she had at the mere sight of him, all seemed to point to one thing for Kimiko but she wasn't about to get her hopes up, especially when so many people seemed to doubt that there was anything but friendship between the two. Apparently it wasn't obvious to guys that her attention was somewhere else and she'd been beyond surprised when Josh asked her out on a formal date, proving her assumption that Josh hung around for Keiko very wrong.

Kimiko had been so blind sided by the invitation that she had been slow to react and that unfortunately seemed to get Josh's hopes up, making her refusal all the worse. She hadn't talked with Raimundo about that but their campus was small enough that she was sure he knew, and of course he was also friends with Josh. Thankfully Rai never brought it up either. That had been the end of her friendship with Josh though she tried to salvage it. For a time it seemed that it might be saved but he had tried asking her out again, a few weeks later and since then the two barely spoke, Josh avoiding her adamantly and Kimiko hadn't thought it was wroth pursuing a friendship with a person who wouldn't accept her answer and punished her for it.

During the unsteady period with Josh Kimiko couldn't help but notice a distance growing between her and Raimundo as well. They still talked, but not nearly as often and they barely spent time alone together. When Kimiko lamented this to friends they didn't seem very surprised which annoyed her to now end. Had she just imagined everything? Was there really nothing special between her and Raimundo? She didn't have the courage to approach him about it so she was stuck. The answer for his odd, almost aloof behavior started to become apparent one night when Kimiko had gone to the second floor to talk to a friend about homework they had in a class together. The lead up World Series was in full swing so many nights people would congregate in one room to watch the game and that night the room happened to belong to the friend Kimiko was seeking.

Kimiko wasn't so surprised to see Raimundo in the room watching the game, more surprised that Rebecca Mares was sitting next to him. Rebecca lived on the same floor as Kimiko, a few doors down in a corner room. They hadn't spent a lot of time together but Kimiko thought she was a nice enough girl and really had nothing against her. She was nice but extremely shy and so didn't open up to many. That's why Kimiko was surprised to see her sitting in a room amongst so many loud and excited people. Kimiko smiled and said hello to the tall, slim red head and Rebecca smiled back with her own greeting. Her eyes flickered over to Rai who smiled a greeting but did nothing else as his eyes moved back to the TV. After reviewing the assignment with her classmate Kimiko had made a hasty retreat, feeling unbearably uncomfortable for some reason. Later in the night she made her way back downstairs and found the room considerably less crowded and quiet so Kimiko settled in, asking casually where everyone had gone.

"Pretty much everyone bailed after the last inning," Ryan, who actually lived in the room, answered, "the game's only going one way now." Kimiko nodded and kept her eyes on the screen but her ears open to the conversation still milling around the room, perking up when someone mentioned Rebecca.

"I was kinda surprised she was down here," Kimiko admitted, breaking into the conversation. "I didn't know you guys were friends with her." Ryan shrugged.

"She's nice enough," he answered neutrally.

"Yeah, and hot," another boy added and Kimiko rolled her eyes.

"Duh, Raimundo's certainly noticed," a third male added and Kimiko had to fight her initial reaction to turn sharply, working hard to keep a stricken look off her face.

"Are they together?" the only other girl in the room, Veronica, a friend, but not close friend, of Kimiko's, asked.

"No, but Rai's been spending a bunch of time with her lately," the third boy answered. "They were going to go watch a movie in her room after they got ice cream at the campus center." Kimiko didn't add anything, just kept her eyes on the screen until the inning finally came to an end around midnight, everyone filing out of the room, but Kimiko was slow to leave.

"Hey," Ryan caught her attention before she left. "Can you read over a paper for me?" he asked and Kimiko agreed with a bit of a huff, wondering why he hadn't bothered asking earlier. Many of her friends had her read over their papers, being a Literature major sucked that way.

"Do you need it right now?" Kimiko asked moving back over to where Ryan sat at the computer. "Or can you print it out and I'll give it back in the morning?"

"I don't have any papers due right now," Ryan told her and Kimiko looked confused. "I wanted to make sure you were ok." Only now did Kimiko realize Ryan had innocently asked her to stay behind so they could have some privacy when he asked her.

"What do you mean?" Kimiko asked playing dumb.

"Those guys were being idiots before talking about Rebecca and Raimundo like that." Kimiko gave an indifferent shrug.

"Not my place to approve of what Raimundo does." Ryan looked at her skeptically.

"Ok, whatever," he said with a shrug turning back to his computer screen.

"Thanks Ryan," Kimiko managed out and Ryan smiled in response.

"Just don't let it get to you," he advised when Kimiko turned to leave.

"Sure thing," Kimiko assured him knowing that it was easier said then done. Kimiko did try hard not to let it get to her but with little success. She was starting to notice more and more how Raimundo seemed to show up around Rebecca and how little he seemed to be around her. Trying to heed Ryan's advice Kimiko tried to concentrate on the approaching midterms instead, struggling hard with a paper for her Major English Author's One class. She still hadn't completed the paper on the night before it was due so when Raimundo messaged her and asked her to come down to his room Kimiko had answered honestly that she was working on a paper and couldn't really break at the moment. He didn't answer back but Kimiko barely noticed as she proof read her conclusion, deciding she didn't like the way it read and was going to redo it when Raimundo suddenly appeared in her doorway.

"Hey!" he said with a smile that Kimiko tried hard not to return too eagerly.

"Hey Rai," Kimiko answered back looking away from the screen and wondered why he was beaming so thoroughly. "What's going on?"

"I wanted to tell you first," he said walking over to Kimiko not seeming to notice that Keiko was also in the room. He leaned against the wardrobe next to the desk and crossed his arms over his chest, looking somewhat to kid at Christmas.

"What's going on?" Kimiko asked curious looking up at him from where she sat.

"I'm going out with Rebecca," he said with another huge smile, and for the first time his smile turned Kimiko cold.

"That's great," Kimiko rebounded quickly. "I'm happy for you." She made no other move or looked ready to say something else and she could tell that perhaps he'd been expecting more. "Really great Rai," Kimiko repeated and tried to look and sounded genuine.

"Thanks Kimiko," Rai said sincerely and Kimiko was certain her heart had shattered at that point in time. "Well, I've got to go and meet Rebecca for dinner, I just wanted you to be first to know."
"Sure, sounds good," Kimiko said with a nod of her head, realizing that it made very little sense but Raimundo didn't seem to pick up on it.

"Talk to you later then?" he asked as he turned to leave.

"Kay," Kimiko managed out again and watched him go. As soon as she was sure he was gone Keiko sprang into action.

"Um, wow. You ok Kimiko?" she asked looking over at her roommate, honest concern showing in her voice and eyes.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" Kimiko answered looking back at her computer screen and blinked back tears, feeling foolish that they were forming at all.

"Umm," Keiko struggled for an answer as Kimiko stood suddenly.

"I need some fresh air," she declared reaching for her jacket and keys. There as a bite of fall in the air and now that the days were shorter the nights were all that colder.

"You want me to come?" Keiko asked but Kimiko shook her head.

"No, I'm good, just want to clear my head before I finish up on this paper," Kimiko said walking out the door. She headed for the back exit, toward the parking lot and the path that ran along the outer perimeter of the school. As she left she passed a group of students smoking quickly and fighting against the growing wind. 'I've never needed a cigarette more in my life,' Kimiko thought and longed for the courage to bum one off of one of the smokers. Though she didn't smoke regularly Kimiko had gone through a faze in high school where she and her best friend would meet on Fridays to share the cigarettes she'd taken from her mother over the course of the week and they'd bitch and moan about the triviality of high school and all of the things they'd do once they were in college, once they were in the 'real world'. Those times seemed hopelessly foolish and juvenile suddenly but it didn't elevate the want for a cigarette. Fighting the urge Kimiko headed toward the side walk and looped the school twice without so much as a single thought before heading back to the dorm. Ryan and few other people she knew had replaced the smokers Kimiko had passed earlier. Kimiko paused to greet them, her eyes locking on the cigarettes in their hands.

"Want one?" Ryan joked noticing her stare. Kimiko had a reputation for being pretty straight cut; no smoking, no drinking, no drugs so his offer was more of a joke than anything which is why he was so surprised when she said yes.

"If you don't mind," she said taking the offered cigarette and bummed a light off an already lit one. The sun was completely gone now and the temperature was bordering on bitter and very quickly only Ryan and Kimiko were left outside.

"I didn't even know you knew how to smoke," Ryan observed when they were alone.

"I'm just full of surprises," Kimiko said sarcastically. Ryan silently handed over a second cigarette that Kimiko accepted with thanks. "I smoking, I really do. I got into a bad habit of doing it when I drink and now I always want one when I'm stressed."

"You drink?" Ryan asked surprised and Kimiko shrugged.

"Just because I don't like hanging out at Halfway House or the Branch on the weekend drinking crappy domestic beer and being hit on by drunk jocks doesn't mean I don't drink, I just don't really like it that much."

"Point taken," Ryan said defensively and Kimiko only sighed. "So you obvious aren't drinking," Ryan pointed out. "What are you stressed about?"
"Midterms," Kimiko lied.

"And this stress has nothing to do with the fact that Raimundo and Rebecca are going out?" Ryan asked.

"Nope," Kimiko lied confidently again. "And anyway how did you know that they were going out?"

"Small school, news travels fast because one persons business is another persons business," Ryan said not pressing the issue any more, for a moment at least. "But you know," he said with philosophic wave of his cigarette free hand, "there are plenty of fish in the sea, life goes on, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera."

"I'll keep that in mind," Kimiko smiled leaning heavier on the rail that ran up the wheelchair ramp. "Am I an idiot for thinking there was something there?" she asked daring a look over at Ryan as he considered his answer. Kimiko felt odd in asking him, since they weren't that close compared to many of her friends but it was easy to open up to him as the nicotine calmed her nerves.

"I'm probably not the best person to ask," he finally concluded.

"Why not?" she asked.

"I have a biased opinion," he simply stated and Kimiko didn't question it, interpreting that as a guy he didn't really notice those sorts of things, or that he couldn't say since he was friends with both Raimundo and Kimiko. She wouldn't learn till years later that she had interpreted it all wrong.

"They go well together though," Kimiko observed.

"That they do," Ryan agreed.

"He and I are kinda opposites. I mean we like the same movies and everything but our world views, things like that, the more important things, are always pretty different."

"They say opposites attract," Ryan observed and Kimiko scowled.

"Not helping."

"Does it help that you're probably not the only heart broken girl over this?"

"Maybe," Kimiko said skillfully flicking the spent cigarette away from her. "I need to finish my paper, and brush my teeth," she added hating the after taste of smoking in her mouth.

"Sounds good," Ryan said following her inside. When they were about to part ways, Ryan to his second floor room and Kimiko up to the third, Ryan paused and said something else.

"Seriously Kimiko, don't t let this drag you down," he advised.

"I won't," Kimiko tried to say confidently, hoping she'd mean it but as the weeks dragged on it wasn't working that way. It was like Raimundo dropped off the face of the planet. Every so often Kimiko would see him walk past her room on the way to Rebecca's room but he never stopped, never even paused. She tried, initially, to maintain at least some semblance of her past relationship with Raimundo but failed miserably since Raimundo clearly had no time for her.

Outside of Keiko, Jack, and a few others most people didn't seem to have a whole lot of sympathy for the heartbroken Kimiko. Thanksgiving came and went, followed quickly by the Holiday break. Kimiko wanted to think that the dread she felt for returning at the end of break had nothing to do with Raimundo but that would have been a lie. It certainly didn't help though as Kimiko found herself fighting off the rapid redevelopment of the Depression that she'd battled with through most of her high school years. As the cold and snowy days of the second semester dragged on slowly Kimiko found herself seeping deeper and deeper into a very bad place. She wanted desperately to talk with Raimundo about it, thinking that somehow he would know and understand what she was going through and maybe he could elevate it somehow. She practiced her speech about approaching him in her mind countless times but she never found the courage to do it.

Finally she came to a decision. If there was anyway that she was going to be able to recuperate and beat back her depression then she needed time and space to do so. Her college was unique in that it ran on a trimester, the third and last semester only lasting six weeks. Most students took classes that involved trips going overseas while others stayed behind and took classes that ranged anywhere from high level science labs to dodge ball. Kimiko couldn't imagine staying in school through all of that and instead opted for what the school called a leave of absence and so Kimiko would be leaving at the end of the second semester. She asked her closest friends, who had become like family, to meet so she could explain her behavior since the beginning of the semester and explain her reasons for leaving, and most importantly that she didn't know for certain if she'd be returning for sophomore year. Kimiko had made the hard decision not to invite Raimundo to her impromptu meeting which was why she was so surprised when he showed up on her doorway later that night.

"Hey," he said walking in with a gentle knock on the door. Kimiko, who'd been lying on her bed, was up like a shot.

"Hey," was all she managed to reply with as she folded her legs underneath her.

"Haven't seen you around in a while," Raimundo observed and Kimiko couldn't help but narrow her eyes slightly.

"That's not my fault," she said grimly and Raimundo visibly winced slightly.

"Yeah, I know, I'm sorry," he apologized sheepishly as he sat on the edge of her bed. Kimiko watched him curiously as he watched her. She was considering telling him what she'd told the others a few hours before when Raimundo beat her to it.

"I talked with Keiko a little while ago," he said out of the blue. Kimiko nodded though she wasn't sure why. Her roommate was consumed with practices for an upcoming dance show and, like most nights for the past few weeks, was currently at the dance studio. "She mentioned you weren't going to be around term three."

"Yeah," Kimiko said unable to meet his gaze any longer. "It's better for me to try and get my head together. If I stayed I'm sure I'd be so unhappy that I might never want to come back."

"So you really might not come back sophomore year?" he asked surprised.

"I don't know right now, it wouldn't be a good idea to make a decision right now. I mean, I've got great friends here," she said making sure her eyes weren't on him as she said it, "but I don't know if its worth it if that's the only reason to come back."

"Hmm," Raimundo mused and there was silence again.

"How's Rebecca?" Kimiko made herself ask.

"Good," came Rai's bland reply.

"That's good," Kimiko answered back. Time continued to click by in silence until Kimiko dared to ask, "Is there anything you need Raimundo?"

"No."

"Then, no offence, but I should get back to reading," she said looking back at the book she'd been reading before Raimundo had interrupted when he walked it. She knew it was harsh and saw his face flinch slightly when she basically ordered him to go.

"Ok then, see you around Kimiko," he said standing and making to leave.

"See yeah," Kimiko called back.

Both had been lying. They barely crossed paths in the remaining weeks of the second term and Kimiko, so consumed with things, hadn't even known that Raimundo and Rebecca had broken up until far after the fact. Kimiko was preparing to leave on the very last day of the second semester and by that time most of her friends had already gone home for the spring holiday so they'd stopped by before leaving to wish her luck and hoped that she's be back in the fall. Raimundo had not been one of them and as she pulled away from the college, her and her parents cars loaded with her things, Kimiko couldn't help but look back at the school and wonder where Raimundo was, what he was doing, why he hadn't come around, and most importantly- would she ever see him again

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And part one comes to a close. Next chapter will open into sophomore year. I'm feeling pretty vulnerable at the moment, putting this out there. But like I said its been on my mind a lot lately. I suppose I could have, probably should have, posted this like it was completely a work of fiction but then, to me at least, it looses some of its validity. And I also think it's a nice story to share, that things like this really happen in real life. I think these comments will make more sense when the story ends. It'll probably be a three part story, maybe four depending on the length once I've finished with it completely. This entry was twelve pages but the whole thing so far is over forty.

I had mentioned in "Attention" that I had a new, involved, decided by the reader, one shot. This isn't it. That has yet to come. I'll probably dedicate most of my weekend writing on this and then back to "Into the Rush".

That's all, let me know what you think of my new venture.