Title: Deja Vu
Disclaimer: The characters of Buffy the Vampire Slayer belong to UPN, Joss, Fox, etc....
Distribution: Anywhere you want. Just let me know where.
Summary: With hope all but gone Xander turns his "attention" towards one of his close friends. With only one thing on his mind. Buffy.
Setting: Season 5, one day before I Was Made to Love You.
Rating: Nothing worse than what was on the show.
Author's Notes: Just like last chapter was all F/X this is all B/X. Only a little sprinkle of things to come towards the end. For all those who have written feedback and/or to those who actually make the effort and dedication to writing something and putting it out there for all to see, this chapter is for you.
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"Just as despair can come to one only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings."
-- Elie Wiesel.
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Xander's bedroom
6:20 A.M.
New Loop
"There you are," Buffy said walking into the room.
"Hey," Xander said absently, while taking out a pair of pants from his chesterdrawer.
"So, you ready to...uh, ready to," Buffy quickly lost track of her words when Xander began to remove the pants he had on. She was taken back when he did this so much that it took her a minute to register the fact that one should turn around in this kind of situation. Many things were going through Buffy's mind but she couldn't get a handled on any of them. Like some movie being fast forwarded in her mind. She replayed the incident in her head and soon enough she didn't even know what she was replaying. Then she glanced back and remembered.
"Ready to what?" he said, putting the other pants on with her just a few feet away from him. He could feel her uncomfortablness and inwardly enjoyed every second of it, "Buff?"
"Uh, ready to," she glanced out the corner of her eye towards him once again, this time to see him with pants on. Slowly she began to regain her composure as she turned and faced him, "Ready to train," she said with a forced smile, her discomfort still present from the previous moment. He answered with a smile and nod as she turned and walked out of the bedroom. The moment her back turned and she began walking out, his smile changed. Grew. Then he followed her out of the bedroom and soon out of the apartment.
************************
The Magic Box
2:33 P.M.
There's a force in Sunnydale. It's strong and it's strength never dimishes, only lies dormant. Waiting. Wanting. Knowing that it's time will come. It always does. Yet, this strength. This force. Although, strong in Sunnydale it's not excluded beyond the town's city limits. There's no town where it's absent. No city. Like a bear during deep and long winters, it too sleeps. Waiting for it's chance to be awakened. It can not be killed. Can not be permantally exstinguished. There is no vacination for it. No cure. Like thirst, it could only be quinched once awakened.
Inside the town of Sunnydale at this very moment this force was awake from it's sleep. Had been awake for some time now in fact. However, not even the water that washed through him could quinch it. It was too strong. Too intense. There was only one way to quinch this thirst.
Buffy.
He had been sitting here for the last twenty minutes watching her as she, Willow, Tara, and Giles talked at the table in the center of the room. All during their training section this morning he couldn't take his eyes off of her. So much so that at one point Buffy even made note of his strange behavior when she said something to him and got no response. She said he was acting not himself and asked if he was okay. He had covered it up idly saying that he didn't get much sleep. Of course, this brought Buffy to ask him if he was sure he wanted to help her train today but he quickly assured her that he fine.
Truth be told, he was a little tired but that was the case each morning he awoke to the same day. Why that was he didn't know and now was beyond caring. No, nothing was going to detour him from this. From her. For three hours he had trained with her. Mostly, he did the light stuff. Things that Giles or any of them could've done. Hold the bag for her while she worked up a sweat. Be her sparing partner, albeit sometimes at the expense of some soreness at her getting a little to into it. Yet, it didn't matter. He wasn't there for any of that. Most of the time he was there for companionship, only when Giles spared with her did she really take it up a notch. However, none of that mattered anymore to him. It was the farthest thing from his mind while being in that back room with her earlier this morning. In fact, he barely said any words at all. He merely watched her. Every movement she made. Every kick. Every punch. The look in her eyes. The way her thigh muscles contracted with each movement. Looking so soft. So perfect. He had to have her. Had to take her. This was far beyond a simple infafuation. It was passion. Desire. Lust.
No it was more.
She was beauty and he had to sample it. Had to experience it. It drove him. The very thought gave him the greatest pleasure that could only be surpassed by experiencing it first hand.
He could think of nothing else. Gone was any thought of getting out of this loop he was in. {Hell, I'd given up on that a long time ago anyways} he thought. Gone was any thought of Willow and Tara, who stood just a few feet away from Buffy. They didn't matter. When they had left a few minutes later, saying goodbye on the way out, he barely even gave them a glance.
Taking another swig from his bottled water, Xander leaned back against the window and watched. Dreaming up scenerios. Ways of how it would all go down. The more he thought about it, the more he found it hard to contain his thirst for it.
She got up from her seat and followed Giles over to the counter. She looked over and smiled at him, he sending a slight nod with a smile back her way. Then she continued her convesation with Giles. A conversation that was drowned out by him even when it was happening only a few yards away. The only words he could hear were the ones in his head. The ones telling him the way he would have her. He could see each moment being played out. Each conversation. His mind didn't try to tell him that it wouldn't work. He knew better. Nothing could stop this from happening if he truly wanted it. Not even Buffy herself. No, he knew it was only a matter of time. It didn't matter how much because he knew he had plenty of it.
{Nothing matters}
Two words uttered so simply. So quickly. Yet, so true to him now. It was just as Faith had said. Nothing matters. Nothing changes. No consequences. No having to explain the next day. None of that. He could ...
He chuckled to himself {Want, take, have}
It was all too easy wasn't it? Looking up he watched as she talked to Giles. A laugh escaping her lips. {How can she even laugh? All that she's been through} he thought, his face taking on an annoyed expression. How anyone could laugh in her position was beyond him. Here she was, only a couple of months removed from Riley leaving her. Leaving her for ...
He laughed to himself {In a way, for a vampire. Ironic eh Buff?}
Ah, her great vampire lover. {Angel} Xander shook his head, an annoyed breath escaping his lips. Faith spoke of how he helped her. How he saved her. {Pfft.. the great and noble Angel. Mr. Soul boy himself} A soul. What good does a soul do if there is no tomorrow? No hope?
He brought his water bottle up to his lips and finished it off, squeezing the empty container before tossing it to the floor.
The door leading to the alley behind the Magic Box opened and Xander's attention was drawn to it. He watched as Anya came in carrying a box. Giles turned and immediately started helping her. Anya said something that made Giles frown before he shook it off. His sight was still fixated on Buffy though. She was fittling with a stake in her hands. He watched her turn the stake end over end. A simple act, yet he couldn't take his eyes off of her.
"Xander?"
His head popped up to see Anya standing in front of him, "Wha-what?"
"I said, are you going to help or just sit there all day?"
"Oh, uh, sit here all day," he replied, his attention going back towards Buffy.
Anya frowned, "Fine, but I'm only letting you sit there because I love you." She leaned down and kissed him on the cheek, causing him to freeze up a bit. A smile came upon her face as she pulled back and then walked happily back towards Giles at one of the bookshelves. As she was walking off his hand found the spot that she had kissed. His expression changed immediately into an annoyed one. He wiped at his face as if the kiss left some recidual mark. Xander found it hard to concentrate. For a minute or two he could hardly look up. Though, he didn't have to look up to feel what he was feeling right now. He felt like, he didn't know how he felt but he couldn't stay in here anymore. He started hating being in here. He had to get out. Getting up quickly, he opened the Magic Box's front door and stepped outside. Once outside, he immediately closed it behind him and then backed up against one of the outer walls. Suddenly he found himself breathing heavily as if he'd ran a marathon.
Slowly his breathing started getting under control. Yet, that feeling was still there. After a minute, he felt himself slowly move away from the wall and take a step towards the front window of the Magic Box. Leaning with his hand slightly against the wall he looked inside to see Anya dusting off a few books. The moment she turned just enough to where she was facing in his direction he felt compelled to look down. He pulled back from the window and leaned up against the wall.
"What the hell is wrong with me?" he muttered to himself while closing his eyes. He stood there, back against the wall, eyes closed. Xander didn't know how long he stood there but it must've been a good ten minutes. When he opened his eyes the feeling was gone. Somehow, someway it was gone. He kept his eyes from blinking as if afraid if he did blink the feeling would sneak back upon him. His eyes slowly piered to his left, leading back inside the Magic Box. Slowly he felt himself turn around and press up against the wall. The movement inside the shop became clearer as he looked through the window. There, all the way to the back of the shop Buffy stood. He watched as she moved towards the door leading to the training room and then through it. A few seconds later she emerged. She was carrying a box as she walked up towards the counter. Once at the counter, Giles took the box from her as they began to talk. What they said didn't matter. Even if he was able to hear it wouldn't have mattered. In fact, not even the driver blaring his horn at another driver down the street tore Xander's attention away.
Suddenly he pushed himself away from the window. The next second he was opening the front door and walking into the shop. When the bell rang above the door, Giles and Buffy turned towards him. He stopped and his face produced a smile. They nodded, seeing that it was only Xander and went back to what they were doing. Buffy turned her back to Xander and began walking away.
{Just do it. It's simple.}
Xander watched as she made her way to the back doorway leading to the training room.
{Good. She's going to the training room. She'll be alone. Now's your chance}
He started to follow, chancing a quick glance around the shop.
{She'll be yours. It's only a matter of time. You'll win her over}
Buffy walked through the door and into the training room.
{And if you don't win her over. No biggie. You can take her. There's nothing stopping you}
He walked in front of the counter as Giles continued to rumbuge behind it. Then, his attention turned back towards the doorway leading to the training room as he continued forward.
{Are you sure you want to do this?}
He felt as if he was slowing down. As if his feet were getting heavier.
{Are you ready to face the consequences of what you are about to do?}
{There are no consequences. Besides, you deserve this with the hell you've been put through}
Slowly Xander came to a stop a few feet past the front counter. His head felt as if it was splitting open. And that feeling was back. That terrible feeling.
"Xander? You alright?" Giles asked.
"Huh?" Xander asked, turning his head, "Oh yeah, sorry. Just uh, not feeling all that great," he said, brushing it off while rubbing his temple.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah. Uh, yeah I'll be fine," Xander said once again.
Giles gave him a look before nodding. Turning around, he went back to his work.
Xander shook his head as if trying to shake the cobwebs out. A second later Buffy came back out of the training room carrying a box. The moment she entered into his sight, Xander's head shot back up. She carried the box past him and laid it on the counter, "Say Xand, you wouldn't mind helping a little lady out and carry her boxes would you?"
"Why anything for a little lady," he said. His demeanor rapidedly changed.
"Follow me."
She walked past him and he was once again under her spell. He followed her into the training room.
"You can carry those boxes in the corner," she said pointing. Xander didn't want to take his eyes off of her but he allowed for a quick glance to the corner.
Buffy moved to the back of the training room. There she fittled with a few things in the far corner. Slowly she bent down and starting organizing things.
{Mmm... Mmm.. Mmm.. can't you just imagine. Look at that.} Xander smiled. {Can't you just taste her? Her scent. Her essence.}
{My God, what are you doing? This is your friend you're talking about here. Your Buffy.}
{That's right. Your Buffy. You have helped her battle the forces of evil for five years. Don't you think it's time you get a little reward?}
{It's not right}
{Oh come on. Just a little bit. No one has to know.}
{But you'll know.}
Xander felt like he was the ball inside a pinball machine. He closed his eyes, grimacing while doing so. That feeling was back.
{Oh come on. You've come this close. Don't back down now}
If he didn't know better, Xander could've sworn that voice seemed louder than before. Almost as if...
Xander opened his eyes and couldn't help but nearly jump out of his skin. There on his right shoulder was a minature Angelus.
"Oh God, I'm losing it," he said out loud.
{Not quite. Though, I've got to say, you do have potential} minature Angelus said.
{Don't listen to him Xander}
Xander actually let out a slight squeal as he jumped at the sight of a minature Angel on his left shoulder.
"Xander? What's wrong?" Buffy said turning towards his outburst.
He looked up at her in a panic. Looking towards his left and then right shoulder he looked back at her as if she would take action and slay whatever the hell was happening.
"Xander?" she said again, waiting for a reply.
{She can't see us. We aren't even real. We are apart of your mind that you made up} they both said in unison.
"Made up? I didn't make you up. There was no making up," Xander said outloud.
"Uh, who are you talking to?" Buffy asked, her expression a worried one.
{Go ahead. Tell her. Tell her that you were just talking to her exboyfriend and his demon on your shoulder. I'm sure she'll understand} minature Angelus said.
Xander looked back and forth between the two small figures on his shoulders and then back at Buffy. He slowly broke out into an almost fake laugh, building with each passing second, "Uh, nothing it's just uh," he said stammering, "just uh, I mean't we never made up."
"Never made up?"
"From earlier."
"Earlier?"
"Yeah uh, with the training," his speech now sounding almost halfway normal, "From this morning. You know, we fought but uh, we never made up."
"Let me get this straight," Buffy said looking at him questionably, "You felt you had to shriek out loud like a girl because we never made up from this morning? Because of the training?"
"Yes, uh, no. Hey! I do not shriek like a girl!"
{Uh, you kind of do} both figures on his shoulders said in unison.
"Shut up!" Xander snapped out quickly, "Not you," he said just as fast towards Buffy. He quickly continued after receiving a look from her, "I just mean, I don't shriek. I bellow."
"Bellow?" Buffy said, Xander nodding. "If you say so bellower," she said giving him a look. He smiled back at her with another nod.
"Xander, if you wanted a hug you didn't have to shriek... uh, bellow," she said correcting quickly, "Out loud. All you had to do was ask."
"Well, now I know," he said. Buffy moved in to give him a hug.
{Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about} minature Angelus said just as Buffy's body came into contact with Xander's.
Xander jerked back, "No, no, no hugs." He grabbed her hand, "Handshakes. Handshakes are way underrated in the make up category."
Buffy accepted his hand shake awkardly, "Xander are you sure you're okay?"
"Me?" he let out a snort, "I'm fine. How about you?"
"Goood," she drawed out slowly, "Would be even better if my friends weren't acting like Drucilla."
{What does that suppose to mean?} minature Angelus said, snapping out loud at her.
Xander gave her a nervous laugh, "Me? Crazy? Pfft... that's silly. I'm perfectly fine."
{What I wouldn't give to have a piece of that. Oh wait, I already did} minature Angelus said smiling, drawing a glare from minature Angel.
Xander smiled at Buffy nervously between the two of them.
"I'm serious Xander. You're acting strange. You don't seem yourself," she reached her right hand towards him, "I'm worried about you is all."
Xander didn't answer her. He couldn't. His attention was drawn towards her hand. The hand that was now on his left shoulder. The same shoulder where the minature Angel had stood but a minute ago before her hand passed right through him. Out the corner of his eye, Xander saw the minature Angel on his left shoulder fall to his knees and grimace in pain. Buffy said something else but Xander didn't hear her. His attention was too focused on his left shoulder as the figure rose to it's feet a few seconds later. When the figure turned around Xander found himself having two minature Angelus on his shoulders.
"Oh God," Xander muttered low.
"Xander?" Buffy asked.
"Uh, you know Buff. I think you're right. I'm really not feeling like myself. I think I'll just go. Maybe sleep. Yeah, sleep," he said nervously.
Buffy nodded, "You need a ride back to your place?"
{I thought you'd never ask} both minature Angelus' said, mischievous smiles on their faces.
"No!" Xander said, responding quickly, "I'll be fine."
Buffy slowly nodded her okay as Xander pointed behind him, "I've got to go. Now." He turned quickly as he walked out of the training room, leaving a bewildered Buffy standing behind him.
********************************
The day was threatening to end as the sun barely peaked over the horizon. Yet, Xander knew different. There was no end. It had been over five hours since he had left the Magic Shop. In that time he had been doing nothing but walking. Walking anywhere and everywhere. Where he went he didn't even care. All he knew was that walking felt like he was going somewhere and that was what mattered. Xander would've given up if he hadn't have already done so. Here, there was no giving up nor was there any hope. For the first time in his life he understood the meaning of the word purgatory. He had thought it was Mr. German's sophmore history class but it bared no contest to the here and now.
And so he kept walking. Isolated. Alone. People moving past him up and down the street. None of them aware as they went about their business. None of them could help him. Xander continued down the street. Not aware of where he was going. It didn't matter anyway. No one could get out of purgatory. He felt as if he belonged here anyway after what he had done with Faith, the old man, and what he tried to do to Buffy. No he didn't deserve any help to stopping this thing.
He continued down the street. Where to he didn't know. Unaware of the fact that if he would've just stopped a minute ago in front of the local flower shop he would've been one step closer to getting out of this purgatory. Yet, he continued on and so did the person coming out of the shop. Stopping only to smell the rose before the person continued down the street. A smile on the guy's face as he watched people go about their business in his new world.
*********************************
Xander's Apartment
9:32 P.M.
Xander walked down the hall to his door. He had been out wondering and somehow found his way back here. He didn't know if it was his humanity telling him to go home, clinging onto any sense of safety he could (as false as they might be) or if it was that he truly just wanted to get away from everybody else. He had been either with someone or in contact with someone all day long. He needed to get away. Away from everything that was a constant reminder of life. Here he could do that. There was no one to talk to or to hear talk. There was only peace and quiet. Nothing but peace and quiet. It was all he had left.
Bringing his keys out of his pocket he slid the key into the lock and opened the door. He didn't even bother to turn on the lights as he shut the door and made his way down the couple of steps leading into his living room. Tossing his jacket onto the back of one of the chairs, Xander slung himself onto his couch. Right on top of Buffy.
This woke Buffy up as she let out a yelp, Xander doing the same as he rose up just as quickly as he had fallen. He turned to face the figure frightenly. Then he stopped, "Buffy?"
"What's left of me, yeah," she said bringing her near crushed legs out as she moved into a sitting position on the couch.
"How did you get in here?!"
"Anya. She was here when I came over. She left," Buffy said looking at one of the clocks, "a couple of hours ago."
"Why?"
"She said she wanted to finish up some inventory for the Magic Shop."
"No, why did you come over?"
"Because I was worried about you. You didn't seem yourself earlier today."
Xander started fidging as he turned to his left, "I'm fine."
"Fine? You acted as if you couldn't look at me earlier. At anyone for that matter." Buffy got up from the couch and moved in front of him, "Pretty much the same way you are avoiding looking at me now."
Xander turned away from her again. Then after a moment he started walking towards his bedroom, "I'm fine. Just a case of heartburn. You don't have to worry about me Buffy."
"Xander," she said, walking up to him and grabbing ahold of his arm, "I mean it, what's wrong? And don't give me any heartburn crap." Buffy stopped, an expression on her face, "Wait, is it Anya? Is that what this is about? Are you and Anya having troubles?"
Xander let out a chuckle, "Go home Buffy. You don't know nor want to know."
"Then why do you think I'm here Xander? I'm here to try and help you because I'm your friend!"
"Leave. I don't want your help Buffy!" he said, walking away from her and into his bedroom. He slammed the door shut behind him. It didn't matter because something as small as a door wasn't going to stop her.
She opened the door just as quickly as he shut it, "No. I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong Xander."
"Do you ever take a hint? My God Buffy, this is my home. Not yours. Do you have any idea of what that means? That means I stay, you go. Simple as that. It's none of your business!"
"No, wrong. It is my business. You're my business. All of you. Willow, Giles. You became my business five years ago when you decided to help me when I said I didn't need it. Didn't want it. So don't give me it's none of my business damnit because it is!"
"Leave."
"No. I'm not going anywhere."
Xander could feel his anger mounting. His frustration. He turned and grabbed the lamp on top of his night stand and slung it back around at her. Buffy ducked as the lamp smashed behind her against the wall. She came back up wide eyed as she looked back at him.
"I said get out!" he yelled.
Buffy stood her ground, albeit a little more fearful of the situation, "No."
Xander let out a breath as he shook his head, his backed turned to her.
"Xander let me help you. Please?"
For the first time he turned and faced her. He stood there for a few minutes and couldn't help but glance at the broken pieces of the lamp on the floor behind her.
"Please?" she begged.
After a moment he finally looked up from the broken pieces, "I can't. I don't deserve it."
Buffy looked back at him questionably, "What do you mean you don't deserve it? Xander," she took a step closer towards him.
"Stop it. Just stop," he said putting up his hand, "I can't okay so just stop."
For the first time since Riley had left she was scared. "Xander whatever is wrong we can get through this. Let me help. We'll get through this I promise. Just let me help you."
"I can't."
"Why can't you damnit!" she said harder than she intended. She couldn't help it. She tried to remain calm but she couldn't. She had already lost one man in her life, she didn't plan on losing another. Whatever it was that was wrong she couldn't back down now. She wouldn't. Not again.
"You want to know what's wrong? Huh? You want to know!" he said, his response triggered by her tone.
"Yes."
"Earlier today when I was at the shop with you. When I was suppose to be training with you," he snapped it out coldly as if ashamed of the word, "I wasn't training with you. I was fucking you. Fucking you in my head. Taking you and doing with you what I pleased. Ever since you came over this morning. It was all I could think of."
Buffy didn't say a word. She couldn't.
"Oh, don't want to hear it now eh? Can't stand to look at me? What's wrong Buffy? I thought you wanted to help me. So come on, here I am. Help me Buffy," he said. Buffy swallowed the knot in her throat. She wanted to turn and leave but her legs wouldn't move. Not this time. Not now. Buffy looked back up at him and was about to respond when she heard him mutter those two words so simple to say yet so hard, "Help me."
Buffy made her way over towards Xander's bed. She leaned down and sat on the end, reaching out her hand for Xander. Hesitantly he took a hold of it and sat down beside her. For the next hour or so he told her about everything. About the day never ending. About his visit to L.A. About his visit with Faith. He told her about the old man, unable to look at her while doing so. He let everything out. Even a few tears. Something that he was taught never to do.
*********
An hour later
As she put the ice cream into the cups and poured the soda's into them Buffy wondered what she would've done differently in his situation. Wondered if she would've done anything differently. Just like anyone would say to such a thing, she thought she knew the answer but she really had no idea. Such is the way of many things until you experience them first hand.
Putting the ice cream back into the freezer, Buffy made her way back to Xander's bedroom. "Two rootbeer floats. The drink made for Gods." Xander smiled weakly at her, "Or those who fights them," Buffy finished as she handed him one and sat back on the bed beside him with her own.
"Thanks." He took a sip of his rootbeer float. Buffy watched him while sipping on her own. "This feels good. Almost normal," he said stirring the float with his straw.
Buffy looked at him and it ate her up inside. She wanted to help him. She needed to help him. When he had first started telling her of his situation she found it hard to believe. Anyone would. He had then taken her into the living room and he read out all the winning lottery numbers to her just as they were being drawn. Then he had taken her outside onto his balcony and proceeded to tell her everything that was about to happen in the streets below. Needless to say she had nothing to say. She could only listen. Listen to everything he had done. Even to the parts she didn't want to. A part of her wanted to deny some of the things he had said to her. Wanted to tell him he was lying but she knew different. When you spend as much time with someone as she had with her friends you think you know when they are lying or not. More importantly though, you learn through all those times that even when you know someone or think you know them they can suprise as well as disapoint you. People do things in certain circumstances that they would never do or even think of doing in normal instances.
As they sat there on his bed at this very moment, sipping on their rootbeer floats, Buffy found she had a million things roaming through her head. Yet, only one mattered right now. She wanted to help him. She needed to help him.
"Maybe we can get Giles to do some research into..."
"Already tried it. He didn't find anything."
"Maybe ..."
"Buffy," Xander said quickly. Buffy went quiet, sipping on her float just to be doing something. "Sorry, it's just... it won't work," he said quietly. Slowly he brought his float back up to his lips and took another sip through the straw.
Buffy knew he didn't want to hear it but she couldn't help it. "I'm so sorry," she said, not knowing what else to say. She wanted there to be a monster that she could slay. Something. Anything. She wasn't good at words. That was what he was good at, not her. All the times he had been there for her. Helped bring her up when she was down.
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Flashback
The Bronze
October 5th 1999
"It's just, what if I can't cut it?"
"Can't cut what? Slaying?"
"Slaying, everything."
"Buffy, this is all about fear. It's understandable, but you can't let it control you. 'Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to anger.' No wait, hold on," Xander says pausing, "Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side.' Hold on, no, umm,'First you get the women, then you get the money, then you...' okay, can we forget that?"
"Thanks for the Dadaist pep talk, I feel much more abstract now."
"The point is, you're Buffy."
"Yeah, maybe in high school I was Buffy."
"And now in college you're Betty Louise?"
"Yeah, I'm Betty Louise Plotnick of East Cupcake, Illinois. Or I might as well be."
Xander gets up and crouches down in front of her. "Buffy, I've gone through some fairly dark times in my life, faced some scary things, among them the kitchen at 'The Fabulous Ladies Night Club.' Let me tell you something, when it's dark and I'm all alone and I'm scared or freaked out or whatever, I always think, 'What would Buffy do?' You're my hero," he says looking up at her. " Ok, sometimes when it's dark and I'm all alone I think, 'What is Buffy wearing?'"
"Can that be one of those things you never, ever, tell me about?"
"It's a deal," he says standing up. "Let's put this bitch in the ground! What do you say?"
Buffy holds out her right hand as he helps her up.
"I think I say thank you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As she sat on the end of his bed beside him she wished she had that perfect thing to say to cheer him up. Wished that she could do right now for him what he has done for her so many times. Her strength nor her slaying abilities could help her here. They were as good as {A rootbeer float} she mused.
Buffy layed her drink on the night stand beside the bed. After finishing his off he handed the cup to her as she layed it on the stand as well. Then she turned her body so that she could face him, "Xander, we'll get through this."
He smiled weakly with his head down, "No we won't. In about twenty minutes or so you won't even be here. Nor will you remember any of this. Anything I've told you."
Buffy bit back on her bottom lip, fighting the tears in her eyes as she the strain behind his words.
"Willow. Giles. None of you will know anything is wrong. You will all think it's just another day in Sunnydale."
"That's not true. I'll know," she said trying to convince herself as much as she was him.
Xander looked up at her and smiled, "No you won't but thanks. Thanks for... thanks for saying it."
Buffy let out a stiff cry as looked down, hiding her face from him. She hated this. Hated not being able to do anything. Hated crying. Here she was suppose to be the one cheering him up and she was crying for him. This was not the way it was suppose to go. Though, does anything happen the way it's suppose to? The way it's planned?
Xander felt so bad right now seeing her like this. He wished that she had gone when he told her to. Then she could've been spared from all of this. Yet, no matter how much pain she was going through or how much he wished to spare her from it he inwardly thanked her for doing so. For not listening to him and staying. He needed this. Her comfort. Her friendship. Her love.
"Buffy," he said reaching out with his hand under her chin and pushing her eyes back up to his, "thank you."
"For what? For bawling like a baby?" she asked through red eyes.
"No. Thank you for... for being who you are," he said.
She bit back on her bottom lip, trying to hold back more tears so near. Then she reached forward and grabbed a hold of him. They sat there and held each other. Saying with their embrace what neither could say with their words. Xander was the one to speak after a few minutes had passed, "I love you Buffy. I love all of you so much."
Buffy pulled back, her head shaking, "Don't okay. Just don't. Don't you dare try and make this some goodbye speech. Don't you dare."
"I'm not trying anything. Things are just what they are. I can't change that anymore than I can this day."
She wasn't willing to accept that. She just wasn't. "Damnit Xander, you listen to me and you listen good. I won't let you give up."
"Buff, I already have."
"Then snap out of it you hear me," she said shaking him, "Snap out of it."
"I wish I could but I can't. I don't have any power over..."
"Yes you do," she said interrupting him, "You can fight this. You can beat it. We can beat it."
"Buffy I ..."
"No, you shut up and listen. We're a team. All of us. You have always been there for us. For me. If you think I'm going to just sit back and let you do nothing. Let you not fight, then you aren't the Xander Harris that I know."
"But this is different. Buffy this..."
"No it's not different. You were the one who brought me back. You were the one who saved me. Not the Powers that Be. Not some prophecy. You. You saved me. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. I'm not letting you go Xander. You fight this."
"Buffy, I'm tired. So tired. I've been through so many of these loops that I couldn't even begin to guess how long it's been." his eyes feel once again, "What if I don't have any fight left in me. What if I don't have any... any hope?"
Buffy looked back at him and couldn't say anything. She felt like she wanted to say something. Like the words were there but they wouldn't come out. So close as if being held back by a quarke that only needed to be lifted. She wanted to open it so bad but couldn't find the right way to do so. Finally, after a few moments, she looked back up with a focus and reached out her hand to his chin much in the same way he had done earlier. If she couldn't find the words she would have to fall back on what worked best for her. Taking action.
He felt her hand under his chin. When he raised his head he was soon met by her eyes. Then came her lips. So sweet. So cool. He didn't know if it was because of the float from earlier or not but he didn't care. Her lips so gently placed, yet so full of meaning. After a moment had passed she pulled back slightly, her eyes looking into his, "There is always hope Xander. Always."
He just sat there and stared back at her. Unable to speak. The feel of her lips still evident in his mind. Cool yet so warm. He wanted to feel her again. To feel her touch. Her friendship. Her love for him. So long had he gone without any real meaningful contact. Love.
There was no lust involved. Not like before. No, this was companionship. Friendship. Love. Suddenly as if it had eluded him before, he started to remember why he was here. Here right now. In this town. In this place and time. It was because of her. He fought for her. To help her. That's why he was here. Why he is who he is. So many battles, so many pains they had been through. It felt like he could reach out and touch them they were so clear in his mind.
Yet through it all there was her. Fighting for what she wanted. For what they wanted. Fighting for a better world.
"You fight Xander. And when you feel like you can't fight anymore fight for me. Fight for us. All of us," Buffy said, the words sinking into him. "You hear me Xander? We'll get through this. You're not alone Xander. We'll get through this together."
For the first time in a long while he didn't have to force the smile that came to his face. Buffy reached forward as they embraced. It was the last thing he felt before the flash came to take him away to another day.
*****************************
Giles' apartment
A couple of minutes prior
When he had first woken up this morning Giles felt the constraints of business and profit. The Magic Shop seemed to be in it's down time of year and with his researching Glory taking most of his time up he had little of it to actually work on ideas to getting business booming once again. However, business weighed little on his mind right now as he battled with the constraints that tied his arms behind him to the chair at this very moment.
When he had came back from work earlier this evening he was knocked out. When he awoke, he was tied to the chair. After hours of endless torture here he sat. His mouth taped. His face battered and bruised. How long ago his attacker had left was unknown to Giles. His mind couldn't tell time right now. It was concentrating on his broken bones and body too much to care. All he could do was set here and wait for his aggressor/attacker to return.
The door to his apartment opened. Giles looked up, grimacing in the process from pain in both of his shoulders.
"Honey, I'm home," the man said walking into the apartment. "What? No, hello. No where have you been?" the man said closing the door behind him. "Sorry it took me so long but you wouldn't believe how busy it is out there. It's almost as if they have places to go. Places to be. Like they'll miss out on something if they don't get there."
He let his smile grow as he looked at Giles, "How little they know huh Rupert? How little any of you know."
Giles looked up at him and he could see the violence in the former watcher's eyes staring back at him. "Oh, that twinkle in your eye reminds me." Reaching inside the right side of his jacket the man pulled out the rose. "For you my dear old friend," he said tossing it onto Giles' lap.
He looked down at his watch. "Oh, look at the time. Sorry Rupert but our time together seems to have ended for today. What do you say? Tomorrow. Same time. Same place," he said with a knowing smile. Giles could do nothing but sit there in pain as the flash came and took the world back to the beginning of another day.
Disclaimer: The characters of Buffy the Vampire Slayer belong to UPN, Joss, Fox, etc....
Distribution: Anywhere you want. Just let me know where.
Summary: With hope all but gone Xander turns his "attention" towards one of his close friends. With only one thing on his mind. Buffy.
Setting: Season 5, one day before I Was Made to Love You.
Rating: Nothing worse than what was on the show.
Author's Notes: Just like last chapter was all F/X this is all B/X. Only a little sprinkle of things to come towards the end. For all those who have written feedback and/or to those who actually make the effort and dedication to writing something and putting it out there for all to see, this chapter is for you.
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"Just as despair can come to one only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings."
-- Elie Wiesel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Xander's bedroom
6:20 A.M.
New Loop
"There you are," Buffy said walking into the room.
"Hey," Xander said absently, while taking out a pair of pants from his chesterdrawer.
"So, you ready to...uh, ready to," Buffy quickly lost track of her words when Xander began to remove the pants he had on. She was taken back when he did this so much that it took her a minute to register the fact that one should turn around in this kind of situation. Many things were going through Buffy's mind but she couldn't get a handled on any of them. Like some movie being fast forwarded in her mind. She replayed the incident in her head and soon enough she didn't even know what she was replaying. Then she glanced back and remembered.
"Ready to what?" he said, putting the other pants on with her just a few feet away from him. He could feel her uncomfortablness and inwardly enjoyed every second of it, "Buff?"
"Uh, ready to," she glanced out the corner of her eye towards him once again, this time to see him with pants on. Slowly she began to regain her composure as she turned and faced him, "Ready to train," she said with a forced smile, her discomfort still present from the previous moment. He answered with a smile and nod as she turned and walked out of the bedroom. The moment her back turned and she began walking out, his smile changed. Grew. Then he followed her out of the bedroom and soon out of the apartment.
************************
The Magic Box
2:33 P.M.
There's a force in Sunnydale. It's strong and it's strength never dimishes, only lies dormant. Waiting. Wanting. Knowing that it's time will come. It always does. Yet, this strength. This force. Although, strong in Sunnydale it's not excluded beyond the town's city limits. There's no town where it's absent. No city. Like a bear during deep and long winters, it too sleeps. Waiting for it's chance to be awakened. It can not be killed. Can not be permantally exstinguished. There is no vacination for it. No cure. Like thirst, it could only be quinched once awakened.
Inside the town of Sunnydale at this very moment this force was awake from it's sleep. Had been awake for some time now in fact. However, not even the water that washed through him could quinch it. It was too strong. Too intense. There was only one way to quinch this thirst.
Buffy.
He had been sitting here for the last twenty minutes watching her as she, Willow, Tara, and Giles talked at the table in the center of the room. All during their training section this morning he couldn't take his eyes off of her. So much so that at one point Buffy even made note of his strange behavior when she said something to him and got no response. She said he was acting not himself and asked if he was okay. He had covered it up idly saying that he didn't get much sleep. Of course, this brought Buffy to ask him if he was sure he wanted to help her train today but he quickly assured her that he fine.
Truth be told, he was a little tired but that was the case each morning he awoke to the same day. Why that was he didn't know and now was beyond caring. No, nothing was going to detour him from this. From her. For three hours he had trained with her. Mostly, he did the light stuff. Things that Giles or any of them could've done. Hold the bag for her while she worked up a sweat. Be her sparing partner, albeit sometimes at the expense of some soreness at her getting a little to into it. Yet, it didn't matter. He wasn't there for any of that. Most of the time he was there for companionship, only when Giles spared with her did she really take it up a notch. However, none of that mattered anymore to him. It was the farthest thing from his mind while being in that back room with her earlier this morning. In fact, he barely said any words at all. He merely watched her. Every movement she made. Every kick. Every punch. The look in her eyes. The way her thigh muscles contracted with each movement. Looking so soft. So perfect. He had to have her. Had to take her. This was far beyond a simple infafuation. It was passion. Desire. Lust.
No it was more.
She was beauty and he had to sample it. Had to experience it. It drove him. The very thought gave him the greatest pleasure that could only be surpassed by experiencing it first hand.
He could think of nothing else. Gone was any thought of getting out of this loop he was in. {Hell, I'd given up on that a long time ago anyways} he thought. Gone was any thought of Willow and Tara, who stood just a few feet away from Buffy. They didn't matter. When they had left a few minutes later, saying goodbye on the way out, he barely even gave them a glance.
Taking another swig from his bottled water, Xander leaned back against the window and watched. Dreaming up scenerios. Ways of how it would all go down. The more he thought about it, the more he found it hard to contain his thirst for it.
She got up from her seat and followed Giles over to the counter. She looked over and smiled at him, he sending a slight nod with a smile back her way. Then she continued her convesation with Giles. A conversation that was drowned out by him even when it was happening only a few yards away. The only words he could hear were the ones in his head. The ones telling him the way he would have her. He could see each moment being played out. Each conversation. His mind didn't try to tell him that it wouldn't work. He knew better. Nothing could stop this from happening if he truly wanted it. Not even Buffy herself. No, he knew it was only a matter of time. It didn't matter how much because he knew he had plenty of it.
{Nothing matters}
Two words uttered so simply. So quickly. Yet, so true to him now. It was just as Faith had said. Nothing matters. Nothing changes. No consequences. No having to explain the next day. None of that. He could ...
He chuckled to himself {Want, take, have}
It was all too easy wasn't it? Looking up he watched as she talked to Giles. A laugh escaping her lips. {How can she even laugh? All that she's been through} he thought, his face taking on an annoyed expression. How anyone could laugh in her position was beyond him. Here she was, only a couple of months removed from Riley leaving her. Leaving her for ...
He laughed to himself {In a way, for a vampire. Ironic eh Buff?}
Ah, her great vampire lover. {Angel} Xander shook his head, an annoyed breath escaping his lips. Faith spoke of how he helped her. How he saved her. {Pfft.. the great and noble Angel. Mr. Soul boy himself} A soul. What good does a soul do if there is no tomorrow? No hope?
He brought his water bottle up to his lips and finished it off, squeezing the empty container before tossing it to the floor.
The door leading to the alley behind the Magic Box opened and Xander's attention was drawn to it. He watched as Anya came in carrying a box. Giles turned and immediately started helping her. Anya said something that made Giles frown before he shook it off. His sight was still fixated on Buffy though. She was fittling with a stake in her hands. He watched her turn the stake end over end. A simple act, yet he couldn't take his eyes off of her.
"Xander?"
His head popped up to see Anya standing in front of him, "Wha-what?"
"I said, are you going to help or just sit there all day?"
"Oh, uh, sit here all day," he replied, his attention going back towards Buffy.
Anya frowned, "Fine, but I'm only letting you sit there because I love you." She leaned down and kissed him on the cheek, causing him to freeze up a bit. A smile came upon her face as she pulled back and then walked happily back towards Giles at one of the bookshelves. As she was walking off his hand found the spot that she had kissed. His expression changed immediately into an annoyed one. He wiped at his face as if the kiss left some recidual mark. Xander found it hard to concentrate. For a minute or two he could hardly look up. Though, he didn't have to look up to feel what he was feeling right now. He felt like, he didn't know how he felt but he couldn't stay in here anymore. He started hating being in here. He had to get out. Getting up quickly, he opened the Magic Box's front door and stepped outside. Once outside, he immediately closed it behind him and then backed up against one of the outer walls. Suddenly he found himself breathing heavily as if he'd ran a marathon.
Slowly his breathing started getting under control. Yet, that feeling was still there. After a minute, he felt himself slowly move away from the wall and take a step towards the front window of the Magic Box. Leaning with his hand slightly against the wall he looked inside to see Anya dusting off a few books. The moment she turned just enough to where she was facing in his direction he felt compelled to look down. He pulled back from the window and leaned up against the wall.
"What the hell is wrong with me?" he muttered to himself while closing his eyes. He stood there, back against the wall, eyes closed. Xander didn't know how long he stood there but it must've been a good ten minutes. When he opened his eyes the feeling was gone. Somehow, someway it was gone. He kept his eyes from blinking as if afraid if he did blink the feeling would sneak back upon him. His eyes slowly piered to his left, leading back inside the Magic Box. Slowly he felt himself turn around and press up against the wall. The movement inside the shop became clearer as he looked through the window. There, all the way to the back of the shop Buffy stood. He watched as she moved towards the door leading to the training room and then through it. A few seconds later she emerged. She was carrying a box as she walked up towards the counter. Once at the counter, Giles took the box from her as they began to talk. What they said didn't matter. Even if he was able to hear it wouldn't have mattered. In fact, not even the driver blaring his horn at another driver down the street tore Xander's attention away.
Suddenly he pushed himself away from the window. The next second he was opening the front door and walking into the shop. When the bell rang above the door, Giles and Buffy turned towards him. He stopped and his face produced a smile. They nodded, seeing that it was only Xander and went back to what they were doing. Buffy turned her back to Xander and began walking away.
{Just do it. It's simple.}
Xander watched as she made her way to the back doorway leading to the training room.
{Good. She's going to the training room. She'll be alone. Now's your chance}
He started to follow, chancing a quick glance around the shop.
{She'll be yours. It's only a matter of time. You'll win her over}
Buffy walked through the door and into the training room.
{And if you don't win her over. No biggie. You can take her. There's nothing stopping you}
He walked in front of the counter as Giles continued to rumbuge behind it. Then, his attention turned back towards the doorway leading to the training room as he continued forward.
{Are you sure you want to do this?}
He felt as if he was slowing down. As if his feet were getting heavier.
{Are you ready to face the consequences of what you are about to do?}
{There are no consequences. Besides, you deserve this with the hell you've been put through}
Slowly Xander came to a stop a few feet past the front counter. His head felt as if it was splitting open. And that feeling was back. That terrible feeling.
"Xander? You alright?" Giles asked.
"Huh?" Xander asked, turning his head, "Oh yeah, sorry. Just uh, not feeling all that great," he said, brushing it off while rubbing his temple.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah. Uh, yeah I'll be fine," Xander said once again.
Giles gave him a look before nodding. Turning around, he went back to his work.
Xander shook his head as if trying to shake the cobwebs out. A second later Buffy came back out of the training room carrying a box. The moment she entered into his sight, Xander's head shot back up. She carried the box past him and laid it on the counter, "Say Xand, you wouldn't mind helping a little lady out and carry her boxes would you?"
"Why anything for a little lady," he said. His demeanor rapidedly changed.
"Follow me."
She walked past him and he was once again under her spell. He followed her into the training room.
"You can carry those boxes in the corner," she said pointing. Xander didn't want to take his eyes off of her but he allowed for a quick glance to the corner.
Buffy moved to the back of the training room. There she fittled with a few things in the far corner. Slowly she bent down and starting organizing things.
{Mmm... Mmm.. Mmm.. can't you just imagine. Look at that.} Xander smiled. {Can't you just taste her? Her scent. Her essence.}
{My God, what are you doing? This is your friend you're talking about here. Your Buffy.}
{That's right. Your Buffy. You have helped her battle the forces of evil for five years. Don't you think it's time you get a little reward?}
{It's not right}
{Oh come on. Just a little bit. No one has to know.}
{But you'll know.}
Xander felt like he was the ball inside a pinball machine. He closed his eyes, grimacing while doing so. That feeling was back.
{Oh come on. You've come this close. Don't back down now}
If he didn't know better, Xander could've sworn that voice seemed louder than before. Almost as if...
Xander opened his eyes and couldn't help but nearly jump out of his skin. There on his right shoulder was a minature Angelus.
"Oh God, I'm losing it," he said out loud.
{Not quite. Though, I've got to say, you do have potential} minature Angelus said.
{Don't listen to him Xander}
Xander actually let out a slight squeal as he jumped at the sight of a minature Angel on his left shoulder.
"Xander? What's wrong?" Buffy said turning towards his outburst.
He looked up at her in a panic. Looking towards his left and then right shoulder he looked back at her as if she would take action and slay whatever the hell was happening.
"Xander?" she said again, waiting for a reply.
{She can't see us. We aren't even real. We are apart of your mind that you made up} they both said in unison.
"Made up? I didn't make you up. There was no making up," Xander said outloud.
"Uh, who are you talking to?" Buffy asked, her expression a worried one.
{Go ahead. Tell her. Tell her that you were just talking to her exboyfriend and his demon on your shoulder. I'm sure she'll understand} minature Angelus said.
Xander looked back and forth between the two small figures on his shoulders and then back at Buffy. He slowly broke out into an almost fake laugh, building with each passing second, "Uh, nothing it's just uh," he said stammering, "just uh, I mean't we never made up."
"Never made up?"
"From earlier."
"Earlier?"
"Yeah uh, with the training," his speech now sounding almost halfway normal, "From this morning. You know, we fought but uh, we never made up."
"Let me get this straight," Buffy said looking at him questionably, "You felt you had to shriek out loud like a girl because we never made up from this morning? Because of the training?"
"Yes, uh, no. Hey! I do not shriek like a girl!"
{Uh, you kind of do} both figures on his shoulders said in unison.
"Shut up!" Xander snapped out quickly, "Not you," he said just as fast towards Buffy. He quickly continued after receiving a look from her, "I just mean, I don't shriek. I bellow."
"Bellow?" Buffy said, Xander nodding. "If you say so bellower," she said giving him a look. He smiled back at her with another nod.
"Xander, if you wanted a hug you didn't have to shriek... uh, bellow," she said correcting quickly, "Out loud. All you had to do was ask."
"Well, now I know," he said. Buffy moved in to give him a hug.
{Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about} minature Angelus said just as Buffy's body came into contact with Xander's.
Xander jerked back, "No, no, no hugs." He grabbed her hand, "Handshakes. Handshakes are way underrated in the make up category."
Buffy accepted his hand shake awkardly, "Xander are you sure you're okay?"
"Me?" he let out a snort, "I'm fine. How about you?"
"Goood," she drawed out slowly, "Would be even better if my friends weren't acting like Drucilla."
{What does that suppose to mean?} minature Angelus said, snapping out loud at her.
Xander gave her a nervous laugh, "Me? Crazy? Pfft... that's silly. I'm perfectly fine."
{What I wouldn't give to have a piece of that. Oh wait, I already did} minature Angelus said smiling, drawing a glare from minature Angel.
Xander smiled at Buffy nervously between the two of them.
"I'm serious Xander. You're acting strange. You don't seem yourself," she reached her right hand towards him, "I'm worried about you is all."
Xander didn't answer her. He couldn't. His attention was drawn towards her hand. The hand that was now on his left shoulder. The same shoulder where the minature Angel had stood but a minute ago before her hand passed right through him. Out the corner of his eye, Xander saw the minature Angel on his left shoulder fall to his knees and grimace in pain. Buffy said something else but Xander didn't hear her. His attention was too focused on his left shoulder as the figure rose to it's feet a few seconds later. When the figure turned around Xander found himself having two minature Angelus on his shoulders.
"Oh God," Xander muttered low.
"Xander?" Buffy asked.
"Uh, you know Buff. I think you're right. I'm really not feeling like myself. I think I'll just go. Maybe sleep. Yeah, sleep," he said nervously.
Buffy nodded, "You need a ride back to your place?"
{I thought you'd never ask} both minature Angelus' said, mischievous smiles on their faces.
"No!" Xander said, responding quickly, "I'll be fine."
Buffy slowly nodded her okay as Xander pointed behind him, "I've got to go. Now." He turned quickly as he walked out of the training room, leaving a bewildered Buffy standing behind him.
********************************
The day was threatening to end as the sun barely peaked over the horizon. Yet, Xander knew different. There was no end. It had been over five hours since he had left the Magic Shop. In that time he had been doing nothing but walking. Walking anywhere and everywhere. Where he went he didn't even care. All he knew was that walking felt like he was going somewhere and that was what mattered. Xander would've given up if he hadn't have already done so. Here, there was no giving up nor was there any hope. For the first time in his life he understood the meaning of the word purgatory. He had thought it was Mr. German's sophmore history class but it bared no contest to the here and now.
And so he kept walking. Isolated. Alone. People moving past him up and down the street. None of them aware as they went about their business. None of them could help him. Xander continued down the street. Not aware of where he was going. It didn't matter anyway. No one could get out of purgatory. He felt as if he belonged here anyway after what he had done with Faith, the old man, and what he tried to do to Buffy. No he didn't deserve any help to stopping this thing.
He continued down the street. Where to he didn't know. Unaware of the fact that if he would've just stopped a minute ago in front of the local flower shop he would've been one step closer to getting out of this purgatory. Yet, he continued on and so did the person coming out of the shop. Stopping only to smell the rose before the person continued down the street. A smile on the guy's face as he watched people go about their business in his new world.
*********************************
Xander's Apartment
9:32 P.M.
Xander walked down the hall to his door. He had been out wondering and somehow found his way back here. He didn't know if it was his humanity telling him to go home, clinging onto any sense of safety he could (as false as they might be) or if it was that he truly just wanted to get away from everybody else. He had been either with someone or in contact with someone all day long. He needed to get away. Away from everything that was a constant reminder of life. Here he could do that. There was no one to talk to or to hear talk. There was only peace and quiet. Nothing but peace and quiet. It was all he had left.
Bringing his keys out of his pocket he slid the key into the lock and opened the door. He didn't even bother to turn on the lights as he shut the door and made his way down the couple of steps leading into his living room. Tossing his jacket onto the back of one of the chairs, Xander slung himself onto his couch. Right on top of Buffy.
This woke Buffy up as she let out a yelp, Xander doing the same as he rose up just as quickly as he had fallen. He turned to face the figure frightenly. Then he stopped, "Buffy?"
"What's left of me, yeah," she said bringing her near crushed legs out as she moved into a sitting position on the couch.
"How did you get in here?!"
"Anya. She was here when I came over. She left," Buffy said looking at one of the clocks, "a couple of hours ago."
"Why?"
"She said she wanted to finish up some inventory for the Magic Shop."
"No, why did you come over?"
"Because I was worried about you. You didn't seem yourself earlier today."
Xander started fidging as he turned to his left, "I'm fine."
"Fine? You acted as if you couldn't look at me earlier. At anyone for that matter." Buffy got up from the couch and moved in front of him, "Pretty much the same way you are avoiding looking at me now."
Xander turned away from her again. Then after a moment he started walking towards his bedroom, "I'm fine. Just a case of heartburn. You don't have to worry about me Buffy."
"Xander," she said, walking up to him and grabbing ahold of his arm, "I mean it, what's wrong? And don't give me any heartburn crap." Buffy stopped, an expression on her face, "Wait, is it Anya? Is that what this is about? Are you and Anya having troubles?"
Xander let out a chuckle, "Go home Buffy. You don't know nor want to know."
"Then why do you think I'm here Xander? I'm here to try and help you because I'm your friend!"
"Leave. I don't want your help Buffy!" he said, walking away from her and into his bedroom. He slammed the door shut behind him. It didn't matter because something as small as a door wasn't going to stop her.
She opened the door just as quickly as he shut it, "No. I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong Xander."
"Do you ever take a hint? My God Buffy, this is my home. Not yours. Do you have any idea of what that means? That means I stay, you go. Simple as that. It's none of your business!"
"No, wrong. It is my business. You're my business. All of you. Willow, Giles. You became my business five years ago when you decided to help me when I said I didn't need it. Didn't want it. So don't give me it's none of my business damnit because it is!"
"Leave."
"No. I'm not going anywhere."
Xander could feel his anger mounting. His frustration. He turned and grabbed the lamp on top of his night stand and slung it back around at her. Buffy ducked as the lamp smashed behind her against the wall. She came back up wide eyed as she looked back at him.
"I said get out!" he yelled.
Buffy stood her ground, albeit a little more fearful of the situation, "No."
Xander let out a breath as he shook his head, his backed turned to her.
"Xander let me help you. Please?"
For the first time he turned and faced her. He stood there for a few minutes and couldn't help but glance at the broken pieces of the lamp on the floor behind her.
"Please?" she begged.
After a moment he finally looked up from the broken pieces, "I can't. I don't deserve it."
Buffy looked back at him questionably, "What do you mean you don't deserve it? Xander," she took a step closer towards him.
"Stop it. Just stop," he said putting up his hand, "I can't okay so just stop."
For the first time since Riley had left she was scared. "Xander whatever is wrong we can get through this. Let me help. We'll get through this I promise. Just let me help you."
"I can't."
"Why can't you damnit!" she said harder than she intended. She couldn't help it. She tried to remain calm but she couldn't. She had already lost one man in her life, she didn't plan on losing another. Whatever it was that was wrong she couldn't back down now. She wouldn't. Not again.
"You want to know what's wrong? Huh? You want to know!" he said, his response triggered by her tone.
"Yes."
"Earlier today when I was at the shop with you. When I was suppose to be training with you," he snapped it out coldly as if ashamed of the word, "I wasn't training with you. I was fucking you. Fucking you in my head. Taking you and doing with you what I pleased. Ever since you came over this morning. It was all I could think of."
Buffy didn't say a word. She couldn't.
"Oh, don't want to hear it now eh? Can't stand to look at me? What's wrong Buffy? I thought you wanted to help me. So come on, here I am. Help me Buffy," he said. Buffy swallowed the knot in her throat. She wanted to turn and leave but her legs wouldn't move. Not this time. Not now. Buffy looked back up at him and was about to respond when she heard him mutter those two words so simple to say yet so hard, "Help me."
Buffy made her way over towards Xander's bed. She leaned down and sat on the end, reaching out her hand for Xander. Hesitantly he took a hold of it and sat down beside her. For the next hour or so he told her about everything. About the day never ending. About his visit to L.A. About his visit with Faith. He told her about the old man, unable to look at her while doing so. He let everything out. Even a few tears. Something that he was taught never to do.
*********
An hour later
As she put the ice cream into the cups and poured the soda's into them Buffy wondered what she would've done differently in his situation. Wondered if she would've done anything differently. Just like anyone would say to such a thing, she thought she knew the answer but she really had no idea. Such is the way of many things until you experience them first hand.
Putting the ice cream back into the freezer, Buffy made her way back to Xander's bedroom. "Two rootbeer floats. The drink made for Gods." Xander smiled weakly at her, "Or those who fights them," Buffy finished as she handed him one and sat back on the bed beside him with her own.
"Thanks." He took a sip of his rootbeer float. Buffy watched him while sipping on her own. "This feels good. Almost normal," he said stirring the float with his straw.
Buffy looked at him and it ate her up inside. She wanted to help him. She needed to help him. When he had first started telling her of his situation she found it hard to believe. Anyone would. He had then taken her into the living room and he read out all the winning lottery numbers to her just as they were being drawn. Then he had taken her outside onto his balcony and proceeded to tell her everything that was about to happen in the streets below. Needless to say she had nothing to say. She could only listen. Listen to everything he had done. Even to the parts she didn't want to. A part of her wanted to deny some of the things he had said to her. Wanted to tell him he was lying but she knew different. When you spend as much time with someone as she had with her friends you think you know when they are lying or not. More importantly though, you learn through all those times that even when you know someone or think you know them they can suprise as well as disapoint you. People do things in certain circumstances that they would never do or even think of doing in normal instances.
As they sat there on his bed at this very moment, sipping on their rootbeer floats, Buffy found she had a million things roaming through her head. Yet, only one mattered right now. She wanted to help him. She needed to help him.
"Maybe we can get Giles to do some research into..."
"Already tried it. He didn't find anything."
"Maybe ..."
"Buffy," Xander said quickly. Buffy went quiet, sipping on her float just to be doing something. "Sorry, it's just... it won't work," he said quietly. Slowly he brought his float back up to his lips and took another sip through the straw.
Buffy knew he didn't want to hear it but she couldn't help it. "I'm so sorry," she said, not knowing what else to say. She wanted there to be a monster that she could slay. Something. Anything. She wasn't good at words. That was what he was good at, not her. All the times he had been there for her. Helped bring her up when she was down.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Flashback
The Bronze
October 5th 1999
"It's just, what if I can't cut it?"
"Can't cut what? Slaying?"
"Slaying, everything."
"Buffy, this is all about fear. It's understandable, but you can't let it control you. 'Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to anger.' No wait, hold on," Xander says pausing, "Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side.' Hold on, no, umm,'First you get the women, then you get the money, then you...' okay, can we forget that?"
"Thanks for the Dadaist pep talk, I feel much more abstract now."
"The point is, you're Buffy."
"Yeah, maybe in high school I was Buffy."
"And now in college you're Betty Louise?"
"Yeah, I'm Betty Louise Plotnick of East Cupcake, Illinois. Or I might as well be."
Xander gets up and crouches down in front of her. "Buffy, I've gone through some fairly dark times in my life, faced some scary things, among them the kitchen at 'The Fabulous Ladies Night Club.' Let me tell you something, when it's dark and I'm all alone and I'm scared or freaked out or whatever, I always think, 'What would Buffy do?' You're my hero," he says looking up at her. " Ok, sometimes when it's dark and I'm all alone I think, 'What is Buffy wearing?'"
"Can that be one of those things you never, ever, tell me about?"
"It's a deal," he says standing up. "Let's put this bitch in the ground! What do you say?"
Buffy holds out her right hand as he helps her up.
"I think I say thank you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As she sat on the end of his bed beside him she wished she had that perfect thing to say to cheer him up. Wished that she could do right now for him what he has done for her so many times. Her strength nor her slaying abilities could help her here. They were as good as {A rootbeer float} she mused.
Buffy layed her drink on the night stand beside the bed. After finishing his off he handed the cup to her as she layed it on the stand as well. Then she turned her body so that she could face him, "Xander, we'll get through this."
He smiled weakly with his head down, "No we won't. In about twenty minutes or so you won't even be here. Nor will you remember any of this. Anything I've told you."
Buffy bit back on her bottom lip, fighting the tears in her eyes as she the strain behind his words.
"Willow. Giles. None of you will know anything is wrong. You will all think it's just another day in Sunnydale."
"That's not true. I'll know," she said trying to convince herself as much as she was him.
Xander looked up at her and smiled, "No you won't but thanks. Thanks for... thanks for saying it."
Buffy let out a stiff cry as looked down, hiding her face from him. She hated this. Hated not being able to do anything. Hated crying. Here she was suppose to be the one cheering him up and she was crying for him. This was not the way it was suppose to go. Though, does anything happen the way it's suppose to? The way it's planned?
Xander felt so bad right now seeing her like this. He wished that she had gone when he told her to. Then she could've been spared from all of this. Yet, no matter how much pain she was going through or how much he wished to spare her from it he inwardly thanked her for doing so. For not listening to him and staying. He needed this. Her comfort. Her friendship. Her love.
"Buffy," he said reaching out with his hand under her chin and pushing her eyes back up to his, "thank you."
"For what? For bawling like a baby?" she asked through red eyes.
"No. Thank you for... for being who you are," he said.
She bit back on her bottom lip, trying to hold back more tears so near. Then she reached forward and grabbed a hold of him. They sat there and held each other. Saying with their embrace what neither could say with their words. Xander was the one to speak after a few minutes had passed, "I love you Buffy. I love all of you so much."
Buffy pulled back, her head shaking, "Don't okay. Just don't. Don't you dare try and make this some goodbye speech. Don't you dare."
"I'm not trying anything. Things are just what they are. I can't change that anymore than I can this day."
She wasn't willing to accept that. She just wasn't. "Damnit Xander, you listen to me and you listen good. I won't let you give up."
"Buff, I already have."
"Then snap out of it you hear me," she said shaking him, "Snap out of it."
"I wish I could but I can't. I don't have any power over..."
"Yes you do," she said interrupting him, "You can fight this. You can beat it. We can beat it."
"Buffy I ..."
"No, you shut up and listen. We're a team. All of us. You have always been there for us. For me. If you think I'm going to just sit back and let you do nothing. Let you not fight, then you aren't the Xander Harris that I know."
"But this is different. Buffy this..."
"No it's not different. You were the one who brought me back. You were the one who saved me. Not the Powers that Be. Not some prophecy. You. You saved me. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. I'm not letting you go Xander. You fight this."
"Buffy, I'm tired. So tired. I've been through so many of these loops that I couldn't even begin to guess how long it's been." his eyes feel once again, "What if I don't have any fight left in me. What if I don't have any... any hope?"
Buffy looked back at him and couldn't say anything. She felt like she wanted to say something. Like the words were there but they wouldn't come out. So close as if being held back by a quarke that only needed to be lifted. She wanted to open it so bad but couldn't find the right way to do so. Finally, after a few moments, she looked back up with a focus and reached out her hand to his chin much in the same way he had done earlier. If she couldn't find the words she would have to fall back on what worked best for her. Taking action.
He felt her hand under his chin. When he raised his head he was soon met by her eyes. Then came her lips. So sweet. So cool. He didn't know if it was because of the float from earlier or not but he didn't care. Her lips so gently placed, yet so full of meaning. After a moment had passed she pulled back slightly, her eyes looking into his, "There is always hope Xander. Always."
He just sat there and stared back at her. Unable to speak. The feel of her lips still evident in his mind. Cool yet so warm. He wanted to feel her again. To feel her touch. Her friendship. Her love for him. So long had he gone without any real meaningful contact. Love.
There was no lust involved. Not like before. No, this was companionship. Friendship. Love. Suddenly as if it had eluded him before, he started to remember why he was here. Here right now. In this town. In this place and time. It was because of her. He fought for her. To help her. That's why he was here. Why he is who he is. So many battles, so many pains they had been through. It felt like he could reach out and touch them they were so clear in his mind.
Yet through it all there was her. Fighting for what she wanted. For what they wanted. Fighting for a better world.
"You fight Xander. And when you feel like you can't fight anymore fight for me. Fight for us. All of us," Buffy said, the words sinking into him. "You hear me Xander? We'll get through this. You're not alone Xander. We'll get through this together."
For the first time in a long while he didn't have to force the smile that came to his face. Buffy reached forward as they embraced. It was the last thing he felt before the flash came to take him away to another day.
*****************************
Giles' apartment
A couple of minutes prior
When he had first woken up this morning Giles felt the constraints of business and profit. The Magic Shop seemed to be in it's down time of year and with his researching Glory taking most of his time up he had little of it to actually work on ideas to getting business booming once again. However, business weighed little on his mind right now as he battled with the constraints that tied his arms behind him to the chair at this very moment.
When he had came back from work earlier this evening he was knocked out. When he awoke, he was tied to the chair. After hours of endless torture here he sat. His mouth taped. His face battered and bruised. How long ago his attacker had left was unknown to Giles. His mind couldn't tell time right now. It was concentrating on his broken bones and body too much to care. All he could do was set here and wait for his aggressor/attacker to return.
The door to his apartment opened. Giles looked up, grimacing in the process from pain in both of his shoulders.
"Honey, I'm home," the man said walking into the apartment. "What? No, hello. No where have you been?" the man said closing the door behind him. "Sorry it took me so long but you wouldn't believe how busy it is out there. It's almost as if they have places to go. Places to be. Like they'll miss out on something if they don't get there."
He let his smile grow as he looked at Giles, "How little they know huh Rupert? How little any of you know."
Giles looked up at him and he could see the violence in the former watcher's eyes staring back at him. "Oh, that twinkle in your eye reminds me." Reaching inside the right side of his jacket the man pulled out the rose. "For you my dear old friend," he said tossing it onto Giles' lap.
He looked down at his watch. "Oh, look at the time. Sorry Rupert but our time together seems to have ended for today. What do you say? Tomorrow. Same time. Same place," he said with a knowing smile. Giles could do nothing but sit there in pain as the flash came and took the world back to the beginning of another day.