Chapter 6: No Matter Where You Go, There You Are

After his little tirade of unsettling stress and unflinching anger being put upon at that church, all Raph could do was wander aimlessly...like a being without a soul.

He really didn't know where he was going. Throughout the weeks in New York, there were moments where he thought of leaving the city. Maybe going up to the farmhouse...maybe they would be up there.

But that was why precisely he DIDN'T want to leave...because if he went there and didn't find them, then it would confirm the zero hope he had of ever seeing his family again. It was like...even though with every fiber of his being that there was no chance in hell that they would or could be there...

There was always a possibility...even if it was between slim and none.

He guessed some would call it blind faith.

When he snapped out of his daze, he realized he had wandered back into the lair...why the hell did he come back here?

Eyes wandering over the empty space that had become his home...old memories floating around like ghosts of a forgotten life...

But God Damn it! It was only months ago in which everyone was fine...everyone was normal. Well normal in the Teenage Mutant Turtle variety.

He couldn't help but shuffle over to the bathroom, the effects of the alcohol from before still bearing on his somewhat lack of coordination. With a quick splash of his face, all he could do was look in the mirror. He realized his eyes had an odd discolor underneath them...must be from a lack of sleep.

And as he slumped to the floor, all he could do was whisper:

"Where do I go now?"

The farmhouse? Should he just go for it, like ripping a band aid off a wound? See the world and hope that somewhere, someone, would be out there.

Lifting his head up, all he could do was huff a harsh breath of air. His family WAS the world to him...he was just stupid to not realize it until now. No matter where he went, what city he found himself in...his family was gone...which meant his world was gone. So what point did it make to go anywhere if it didn't matter?

No matter where you go...there you are.

He couldn't help but chuckle sadly at that line...it was from some geek movie that Donnie loved to death. Something he watched almost religiously in their younger days...so much that Don even remembered lines of dialogue and just spouted them off left and right.

As his chuckle died down, he couldn't help but turn his head and eye the small razor just lying there on the floor. Slowly easing it off the concrete floor, he blew a tuff of dust off the now shining blade.

As tears formed in his eyes, the blade stared at him. He could see a small reflection of himself...the blade reflecting off of some light source. It was as if it was just DARING him to do something about it.

Taking the blade, he caressed the flat part over his wrist...just feeling the glimmer of metal grazing over the skin as he couldn't help but swallow.

"Just...one cut...," gulp, "just one simple...easy...nothin' cut."

A split second a voice screamed:

'NO RAPHIE!'

And with a startle he dropped the razor, and quickly jolted up...that voice...what the hell was that voice?

He knew the voice was in his head...but it sounds so much...SO DAMN MUCH like...Mikey?

As he glanced over the mirror, his eyes shot out, widening as for a long second he saw not himself...but his baby brother in the reflection.

His brother Mikey...bandannas flowing orange like the sun...his mouth smiling gently and his eyes warm and yet sad...almost as if they were feeling sad...for him? Tears were around those blue eyes of his baby brother, worry and a look of pleading on the baby brother's features, while Mikey's mouth moved but no sounds came out.

But before Raphael could contemplate any further, the image disappeared...the voice that echoed through his head not more than a minute ago was gone, and all he was seeing was his own self. His own breathing heaving now in the small bathroom, the emptiness making the sound echo.

"What the...hell?"

Is he going crazy...that must be it...HAS to be it...and yet why did he feel this warmth in his body...the only time he felt something like this was when...

...when he was with Mikey.

Flashback

It was maybe a year go, a time when Mikey had been taken by one of their numerous enemies. Desperate to find their brother, the remaining three had done everything in their power to find their missing baby bro...but Raphael decided to go one step closer.

Guns...his family never liked them and never wanted to deal with them. Raphael himself couldn't blame them.

But thinking of what could be happening to his baby bro...what sick and twisted things that he's heard from the news could be happening with his innocent best bud...it just ignited a fire that burned stronger than an inferno.

At one time, they found a gang of drug dealers who the brothers knew...KNEW...that they had more than an idea of where there brother was at. The leader was a guy named J.T., a known drug dealer as well as rapist...it didn't take long for the brothers to clean house but that didn't mean the baddies were going to start talking anytime soon. J.T. just cussed and chuckled...he had heard of these 'hero turtles' and figured that they weren't going to do TOO much to them.

Well, for maybe 2 of them he was right...but he wasn't expecting a riled up Raphael. All Raph could do was slowly pick up the shotgun that lied beside him...and after giving it strong pull he readied the weapon right at the thug's face.

"Where...is...my...BROTHER!?"

Raph knew that his other two brothers were shocked at this...they wanted to find Mikey just as badly...but they honestly never had the killer instinct that he himself knew was buried deep within. He knew Leo would when absolutely, positively necessary to protect his family.

But he wasn't going to fuck around...NOT when Mikey's life was on the line.

"Fuck you freak, what are you gonna do...shoot?" Big mistake J.T.

A blast at the kneecap made him scream and with widened eyes stared at the red-banded terrapin.

"I'm not gonna ask again...my brother, where IS HE?"

All J.T. could do was spit a little blood at Raphael's plastron..."You a tough guy now...don't nobody talk, NOBODY...these guys talk big but they ain't gonna do shi..."

And a shotgun blast to the face was the last time J.T. heard in his miserable life.

With a deafening, stunned silence a now blood splattered Raphael moved from perp to perp, aiming and threatening with questions and condemnations of "Who's next" and

"Where's my brother"...until one spoke up and told them the details of where to find their lost brother.

Shortly after they had found there missing brother...helped mainly from a Raphael now possessed with bloodrage and thinking of only one goal...saving his brother.

The aftermath wasn't too simple...he knew Leo was probably hating him for what he had done, and Donnie...he was probably scared to death of him from what he had seen. He hated that his brothers felt that way...but he couldn't blame them for it.

But as he sat alone in his bedroom, he heard a door open. And there was Mikey, shyly asking if he could sleep in his room tonite. Saying he was shocked would be an understatement as to how Raph felt at the moment...he knew Mikey had seen Raph do some...bad...things during the rescue.

He also knew Mikey must have overheard talking about the whole affair with his Sensai...including how they got the information.

Now granted it took a good long while for his other brothers to look at him the same way as before...Leo and Sensai weren't of course proud of it but...he guessed they came to understand it. Leo even cornered him one time much, much later with words of "I don't hate you, you know that right?" being repeated over and over again. He was surprised to later hear that Donnie wasn't scared of him.

His brainiac brother said that he was scared cause he saw a part of himself in Raph at that moment. Of course Raph just scoffed that off...but when Donnie finally opened up to what had happened to him when they all got separated into different time periods...and the genius started muttering about alternate futures, seeing us die off one by one, killing the Shredder with a deep seated hatred...all Raph could do was hug Donnie and was hugged back lovingly.

But at this moment, at this time...none of that had happened yet. It was just thoughts of his family more than likely hating him for what he had done, for the monster he certainly was...and yet his baby brother wanted to sleep next to him. And of course Raphael said yes, and Mikey snuggled next to him and eventually hugged and cuddled up to him.

He couldn't help but ask "Why?"

"Hmm, why what Raphie?"

"Why are you here? Aren't you...ya know...little scared of me or...maybe, hate me?"

And with a strong look all Mikey could do was say "Why would I think those things?"

"Because...look Mikey I know you saw and heard certain things...and we both know that despite all the teasin' I do to ya that you're not stupid."

For a long second Mikey just stared at Raph with his puppy dog eyes, as his arms curled around Raph in stronger hug, until his head settled on Raph's chest.

"I was so scared Raphie...when they took me. They said that they were going to do horrible...terrible things...to me and to you guys...and if you guys weren't there sooner then...they might have..."

Mikey gulped as Raph smoothed the skin over Mikey's head and the oranged banded turtle couldn't help but nuzzle into the touch.

"You...saved me Raphie...you did what you had to, and you saved me."

And with a genuine smile he looked up to his older brother, the one who he held as a hero his whole life. His best friend.

"Remember when we were little and I got scared...and you chased and scared away the monsters so I could feel safe?"

All Raph could do was nod...if he said something he would risk breaking out and crying.

"You never give up...you always keep going, no matter what bad things you see or have to do, have to go through...you...you scared away the monsters Raphie!"

And with a tearful kiss onto Raphael's cheek and a faint 'Thank you' he drifted off to sleep on top of his brother's chest.

And all Raphael could do was breathe hard...blinking back tears as he kissed the top of his baby bro's head...Mikey's warmth covering him in such love and care.

'No...thank you Mikey...thank you.'

End of Flashback

With a start Raphael snapped out of it...blinking back the tears...he realized that the razor was still being held in his hand. And then he looked back into the mirror, that voice telling him no...that face.

'You never give up...you always keep going, no matter what bad things you see or have to do, have to go through'

And with a huff and a yell, he through the razor out of the bathroom, all the way across the lair.

As he trotted out of the bathroom, through the lair and onto the quiet streets of New York...he had realized it had begun to rain. Wet streaks of water from the heavens above caressed over his face, and he couldn't help but look to the sky and silently murmur to himself...

'Okay Mikey...I'll keep going.'

Within an hour, he had taken Casey's truck from their apartment and packed up an assortment of supplies, from food to old tokens from the lair. Standing next to the door of the truck, he took one last long look at the city of New York...his home for his whole life.

And as he started up the truck and drove past the countless blocks of the city, heading off to his first destination of the farmhouse...knowing this was the last time he would see his lair and home...the apartment of his friends April and Casey...every single place his life was stationed around...all he could do was utter one thing:

"Goodbye."

And he drove off into the distance.

...

...

But unbeknownst to the turtle...15 minutes after he left the city...a silent wave echoed through the city...a wave much like the waves of the ocean...only made up of wind and air...and it seemed Raphael wasn't the only occupant of the city for there was one pigeon left.

And as the wave passed, the pigeon in its' way disappeared...