You know you all want to be like the Marauders. Well, here is their guide to anything and everything under the planet. I'll start off with the basic things: girls/love, pranking, friendship, werewolves, etc.
If you have a topic you think I should do, let me know! Because the list could pretty much be inexhaustible.
Normal: Prongs/James
Bold: Padfoot/Sirius
Italicized: Moony/Remus
Bold and italicized: Wormtail/Peter
Hi everyone, the Marauders here!
Now we all know you think we're smooth with the ladies, so we thought we'd give you a few tips.
Now, if you haven't got lucky yet, don't despair! We have the best tricks of the trade that'll have you becoming the sex god of your school soon enough.
Unless, of course, you look like Peter.
Right. In which case, well…good luck to you.
Now, if you're like me – or me – or Sirius, you've already got the looks. All you need is the confidence.
On the other hand, if you're nothing like either of those two idiots, there's still hope. Not everyone goes for arrogant pricks.
Each to his own, Moony.
All we're saying is, typically, girls tend to go for the...better-looking guys.
Not that you're not good-looking, Moony.
Of course. I take it as a compliment that I'm not as much of a moron as you, Padfoot. You see, looks is one thing, but if you really want to have a relationship with a girl, you have to come across as a genuinely nice person with a great personality.
No way that'll work. That'll get you loads of friends, Moony, but it won't get you laid.
That's right.
Alright, I guess readers can take their pick of advice.
Pick up lines
Well, I usually like to go with something cool and confident, like "hey you're looking great this morning! Care to go for a stroll with me around the grounds?" Now, if you look like me…windswept messy black hair, tall, lithe and drop dead gorgeous, you won't need to do anything else other than walk up to them. But a sexy grin and a flirtatious wink will never do any harm.
Well sure, that could work. But I tend to think it's too…subtle. The girl would tend to think that all you want to do is literally 'take a stroll' in the grounds. If you want to get some action, which I'm guessing you do, you really need to get past the whole polite introduction stage and explicitly state what it is exactly you want to do. Consider this ideal situation:
Tall, sexy, dark-haired bad boy (or you could just imagine…me): Hi, I'm . Wanna fuck?
Now, if they're a little more innocent (we all know the virgins are the best), then you could always just play it down a little. The suggestive pick up line works, because they can never tell if you're really implying it, or its just a coincidence. For instance, throw in a reference to 'the astronomy tower'…
Pads, that's not subtle or even suggestive. 'The astronomy tower' yells loud and clear "I want to have raunchy sex with you in the dead of the night."
Not to those who haven't 'experienced' the astronomy tower, Prongs. In fact, that's a perfect example, because it allows you to pretend you're passionate about star-gazing. And, hoping that your significant other knows little about it, you can stun her with your ability to point out all the constellations in the southern hemisphere.
That's probably not the best idea, Pads. After all, we're in the northern hemisphere.
Right, well, whatever floats your boat. It's not like they'll really notice anyway, they'll be too busy 'gazing' at you. If you look like me, that is.
Or me.
Or James.
Right, well now these too professionals have shared with you their extensive and fail-proof methods, I shall try and give some advice that would perhaps serve you a little better if you're looking for more than a one-night stand.
A lot of girls get turned off by explicit pick up lines. In fact, I'd suggest not even using pick up lines. They're corny, and the majority of the time, they don't work. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's not the pick up lines that work for James and Sirius, but the fact that most girls want to say they've 'gone to the astronomy tower' with them. For us blokes perhaps not quite as gifted in the looks department – gifted, of course, but prefer to emphasise other attributes – it's better to get to know someone first.
There is, of course, the classic introduction. If you notice someone standing by themselves, looking a little lost, you could offer some help. School is a perfect surrounding really, because you can always use the excuse that you need help with homework, or offer to help them with homework. Because there's pretty much a never-ending supply of it.
Amen.
And it helps being smart, because then people come to you. Some of my relationships started because I was assigned as a tutor to someone who wasn't doing as well in Transfiguration.
Anyway, I'm venturing into the next topic of 'Dates' here. Wormtail here has some tips he'd like to offer first.
Oh, right, yes. Well, sometimes, the best thing to do is…wait for someone to use a pick up line on you. If you don't know how to use pick up lines…
Yep, that's the tip of the week to get you in bed with the hottest girl in school! Anyway, we've forgotten James' classic pick-up line.
My classic pick-up line?
Oh yes! How could we forget: "Will you go out with me?"
What? It's straight and to the point.
And you use it ten times a day.
To the same person.
Well, the best tip I can give is don't give up! If you ask the same person enough times, they'll come around…After a very, very long time…
Or not at all. So I strongly suggest you ask as many people as possible.
Or ask the right person, in the right way.
Dates
Well, I personally hate dates.
Why's that?
Because generally you have to sit through them to get to the good part.
Oh, that's true.
Unless you skip the date part.
Hmm. Well, I guess you could take Padfoot's advice and skip a date, but I find dates are often the perfect opportunity to show off your vast knowledge, talent, skill and sharp wit.
Gosh, how long must your dates last? A lot of convincing would have to be pulled off there…
Oh, it's easy. Just pick something you're great at and waffle on about it. They probably won't be listening anyway, but it'll make you seem intelligent. I, for instance, use Quidditch. Girls love it when I describe my dazzling feats on the broom and the way I smash Slytherin every time we play. And then, I go into great detail about all the injuries I've had, and they immediately go ga-ga.
Then, you can always show off practically. Sometimes, I invite my dates to Quidditch games, where they can see me in motion. And then, once the game's finished, you win them over with the dazzling "oh, I don't think I'd have caught that snitch if you hadn't been there watching me!"
Yeah, cos your screaming girlfriends totally give you the concentration necessary to find the snitch.
Shut up, Moony. Anyway, continuing on…
Now, I have a set rulebook when it comes to dates.
James Potter has a rulebook?
Of course. I go on a maximum of five dates. If I haven't had any action by then, I pull out.
So pretty much, you try and get as much out of them as possible on each date?
No. First date I start nice and gentle – perhaps a make-out session.
Gentle?!?!?!
Well as opposed to screwing someone's brains out, Wormtail, I'd say that's pretty mild.
I personally agree with Wormtail. I wouldn't even think of doing that on the first date! I've always stuck with a good old-fashioned peck on the cheek.
And that, ladies and gentleman, is why Remus Lupin has never been screwed on his first date.
Padfoot, dates are NOT all about having sex!
You're kidding me, of course they are!
Not they're not! Dates are about getting to know people, and about them getting to know you.
Oh please, do go on. I'm fascinated.
Your sarcasm is wasted on me, Padfoot. Anyway, Hogsmeade is a great time for dates, because there's not much effort involved, and if the date doesn't work out, well, all your friends will be there anyway, so you can always give them the excuse that you planned to meet someone else.
Yeah Moony, me and you, in the shrieking shack, 7pm. What do you say?
I say, I'm terribly sorry Pads, but I'm not that way inclined. Maybe you'd have better luck with Peter. But continuing from before your interruption, there are plenty of other opportunities for dates round Hogwarts. There are usually balls once or twice a year, at Halloween for example, and Christmas. If you can manage to ask someone to one, then you've got your first date covered! Although, it can be quite stressful, but it's worth it…
Yeah, when they walk down the stairs in their beautiful dress…
Anyone would think you were a romantic, Prongs!
Never!
It's not a bad thing. Girls like it.
Yeah, the whole knight in shining armour act works wonders.
Alright, I think a good thing to do would be to think of date situations, and we can figure out the best way to deal with them.
Awesome! Righteo, I've got one. You're taking her shirt off, when you realise that –
Padfoot, DATE situations. We haven't got to that part yet. We all know you like to get straight to the chase, but let's just take it one step at a time, for the sake of our readers. And Peter.
Yeah, how about…you're on a date with her and her ex-boyfriend shows up.
Oh that's a good one. That happens to me a lot.
Yeah that's because you've pretty much dated every girl in the school. More than once.
And proud of it. Anyway, what I usually tend to do is, right when they walk past, bring her in for a passionate kiss, to piss him off…
And that's how Padfoot gets 'black' eyes.
Shut up, Prongs. But I suppose, without the awful pun, it's true. And not the best thing to do. I tend to act as though we're just friends, so that he won't punch my eyes out.
But that's because you're a wuss, Moony! Besides, after he beats you up, you pretend to act hurt and shocked, and then they take you to their room to 'look after you.'
Alright, moving on now. How about another situation: you're on a date and James Potter walks past.
Why is that a problem?
Because, who doesn't luuuuurve James Potter?
Sounds like you have a problem with me, Moony.
Only when you attempt to steal my dates.
I do nothing of the sort! I can't help it that girls try and jump me wherever I go!
It is true.
Don't support him, Peter! He's a girlfriend stealer! And we're supposed to be giving advice here!
Hmm. Maybe, if you got me to walk past instead…
No.
Seriously. They wouldn't be able to choose between us. "Hmm, should I go for the Quidditch heartthrob or the sexy bad boy?" The choice would be so difficult, they'd be forced to give up and return to you. It's brilliant, really.
I will not be given leftovers. In fact, here is Remus Lupin's Handy Hint no. 1: Do NOT date someone who is obsessed with either James Potter or Sirius Black. And I think that brings us to the end of our first installment. For more date situations and advice on girls, drop us a line. I'm pretty sure there's a lot we haven't covered yet, so the next instalment will continue on from here!
And if you need advice on anything else, just let us know. Girls, particularly, if you're having boy troubles, I'd love to help you out…
We're not here to offer that sort of help, Padfoot.
We're not? Why did I sign up, then?
Because you're a kind-hearted young man who likes to help people out.
Alright, hopefully I'll be back soon! Please review and tell me if you think I should continue or not, it was kinda a spur of the moment idea! And let me know if there's any 'issues' they should address, etc.
SiriusLoverr