On your way to self-destruction

Rating: M
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: Glimpses into a night of alcohol for Alex and Izzie. Post Season 3 Finale, but without any references to Season 4.
Characters: Alex, Izzie, Ava, George, Denny

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It will be a night of mistakes.

And he knows it the second he spots Izzie at the bar.

Alex takes the empty stool next to her and calls out to Joe to bring him two beers. Izzie looks at him and says matter-of-factly, "I am going to get drunk tonight."

That makes two of them.

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Alex is there because of Ava.

She was picking out a watermelon, but she was laughing and Alex could see she had no idea how to tell if it was ripe or not. He was about to greet her when her husband appeared, pushing along shopping cart with baby safe inside.

The smile that had formed on Alex's face faded as he remembered that she was Rebecca, and Ava was never really his to begin with.

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Izzie is there because of George.

They had spent the summer enjoying stolen kisses and trips to hotel rooms. But the beginning of fall brought George a moral compass, and his new conscience told him to end things with Izzie. When Izzie said she needed him, George just patted her shoulder and said they would always be friends.

She didn't like new George with his new morals.

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"Man, we're fucked up."

Izzie shoots him an incredulous look so Alex explains himself, "We're both here because we failed to break up someone's marriage."

His drunken insight sobers the pair. But it is brief and a shot of tequila (one of many), quickly drowns out any feelings of guilt or remorse.

It is easier this way.

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Joe gets them a cab and sends them home.

When they stumble into the kitchen, they find a bottle of vodka on the counter. It's half empty and it's warm, but they drink from it anyway. In between swigs, Izzie looks at Alex and laughs. Her smile is a little too wide and her voice a little too loud, but it makes him remember what it was like to love her.

Some things never change.

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They are sitting on Izzie's bed and the vodka is almost finished.

"I should be married to Denny," Izzie says thoughtfully before having another drink.

Alex takes the bottle from her, "I thought you love O'Malley."

She shrugs, "He's my second choice."

Alex feels a little sick and he's not sure if it's because of the alcohol or the reminder that he is never her first choice, never her second, never her choice at all. Just a kind of default, the person she goes to when there's no one else around.

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The empty bottle is on the floor next to a pile of their clothes.

It's a familiar scene – their bodies naked and close. He's hovering above her, and he's hard and she's wet, and all he wants is to be in deep and ---

"This doesn't mean anything."

Izzie's interjection stings and it makes him want to say something hurtful back. So he says the first thing that comes to mind, even though he knows he'll regret it later.

"He could never make you like this."

And Alex doesn't know if he's referring to Denny or George.

Izzie glares up at him and presses her lips in a tight line, but she doesn't say anything. Alex figures it's because he's right and it makes him feel a little proud.

So he pushes into her quickly and her gasps bring him a smile.

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What they are doing could only be described as fucking. It isn't about love and it's not even about loneliness. He is just a man and she is just a woman and together they just fuck.

And it doesn't matter that his body just feels good right now, and that her head is hanging over the mattress while she cries out long unintelligible words.

And it doesn't matter that he thinks he might hate her, just a little bit, for never choosing him even though he would choose her, always, if she'd let him.

And it doesn't matter that he finally lets himself imagine (only for a moment) that her hair is shorter and brown, and her name is Ava, just Ava.

Because like Izzie said: This Doesn't Mean Anything.