Hi, this is Zack, a kingdom hearts fanfic

Title: Hi, this is Zack

Author: Sorceress Fantasia

Pairings: Leon/Cloud, Zack/Aeris

Warnings: AU, romance, humour

Word count: 10266

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: As much as I would love to lay claim to Cloud, I'm kinda scared of Leon's gunblade. So well, I don't own Kingdom Hearts and its character, and neither do I own the various Final Fantasies and their characters.

Summary: Zack plays matchmaker to Cloud and Leon, and in the process, agitates some and makes some others into fangirls. With a broken cell phone, the only way for these people to rant at him is through his answering machine. So, 'Hi, this is Zack. Please leave a message.'

Note: This fic is dedicated to Rainbow-Serenity. Happy birthday, gal!

"Hi, this is Zack. Can't take your call right now, so leave a message and I'll call back soon! Leave me a sexy message and I'll call sooner!"

"Zack, I know you're in the house right now! Pick up the damn phone, you bastard! If you've got the guts to set me on a blind date with one of your colleagues, you've got the guts to pick up the phone and let me yell at you!

"Seriously, what's wrong with you? What in the world possessed you and let you think that it would be a good idea to stick that colleague of yours with me on a blind date? A blind date, Zack! Gods, I'm already in university! I don't need blind dates! Oh right, you weren't thinking at all. Again. If you had some semblance of a brain, you'd have realized that setting Leon on me was a bad idea. A horrible, horrendous, hopeless idea. What made you think we'd go well together? If you tell me 'Don't you think Leon and Cloud have a nice ring to it', I. Will. Shoot. You.

"First off, Leon is how many years older than I am? He's already 25! And I've just started university like what, 5 months ago? Contrary to what you and my mother think, I do not need an older boy or girlfriend to take care of me! I can take care of myself!

"Second, I barely know him! And unless you've been feeding him information about me –which I will rip you another if you did- I bet it's the same for him! Do you know how awkward it was, just the two of us, having a candle-light dinner in that restaurant everyone damn well knows is meant for couples? Gods, I could have eaten the candle if it would mean dispelling the awkwardness.

"And of all the people you could have chosen, you just had to pick the one who doesn't talk, didn't you? Disregarding the initial clearing up we had to do thanks to your meddling, do you know I could just /count/ the number of words he'd uttered the whole night with both my hands? So yeah, after having dinner with him, I still only know his name. And I do mean his name, because I sure as hell have no idea what his last name is.

"The only good thing he did was insisting on getting the check.

"Before you say anything, remember that you are my older cousin, not my matchmaker. So stop trying to match-make me with any of your other colleagues or friends again, for god's sake. I'm happily single, okay? At least I'm always here for myself!

"And I know what you're gonna say, but… Not a blind date, my ass. Asking me out for dinner and not turning up at the last minute, and then doing the same to your colleague, qualifies as a blind date. Speaking of which, I'm going to borrow Vincent's shotgun and bloody shoot you the next time we meet, friends with Aeris or not.

"…Just because I've told you that your colleague is really cute doesn't mean you have the right to set us up on a blind date, alright?"

"Hi, this is Zack. Can't take your call right now, so leave a message and I'll call back soon! Leave me a sexy message and I'll call sooner!"

"Hey Zack, this is Leon. …Ah… Just wanted to thank you for arranging that dinner with Cloud. I'll pass you that pair of Gullwings' concert tickets on Monday at work.

"… …So erm…

"Yeah, thanks."

"Hi, this is Zack. Can't take your call right now, so leave a message and I'll call back soon! Leave me a sexy message and I'll call sooner!"

"Zackie lovie dovie! Yuffie here! I wanted to call earlier, but Leon wanted to call you first and he wouldn't give me the phone! He said I'd just yap away the phone bill! Gods, I really wonder sometimes if it was anything I'd done in a past life to get stuck with a meanie like that for an elder brother.

"But anyway! The dinner you set Leon and Cloudster up on? Brilliant! Did anyone tell you you've got the best ideas? If nobody has, remember I'm the first one, okay? But I can't believe you didn't count me in on this one! I mean, I'm his sister, you know? When you set people on dates, you should at least have the decency to let their younger siblings know so they can help! Thank god Leon has got good fashion sense though, so I don't have to ravage his closet for suitable things to wear so he can seduce Cloudster.

"I was wondering this afternoon though, as to why Leon was practically emptying his entire closet for the clothes he wore to dinner. Damn it, you could have warned me in advance, you know, so I could prepare my camera? It's not easy to see Leon this flustered, okay? That was perfect blackmail material! I could have made him buy me that new pair of shades with those photos!

"Still, no matter, thanks for setting him up with Cloudster. I swear, he's been floating on cloud nine – ha ha, the pun, it kills! – anyway, he's been floating on cloud nine since coming home earlier that he completely missed the mess I'd created while I was making dinner to feed myself. Gods, if he's already acting like this after one dinner, I can't imagine how he'd be like if he ever got really lucky with Cloudster. Oh wait, maybe I can. With my luck, Leon'll probably be the type to sing and dance around and talk to brooms. Yay to silly older brothers!

"Weirdness aside, though, it'd be good to see that day coming! I mean, Leon's been infatuated with Cloudster since Cloudster visited you at your workplace a few months back! Figures, right? That the stoic type would be stricken by the 'love at first sight' symptom and fall so god damn hard. Did I ever tell you that Leon was daydreaming all day long for a few days after that? It's like he couldn't stop /thinking/ about Cloudster! His daydreaming got so bad that the only way I got to know when dinner was ready was when the smoke alarm went off.

"By the way, how's Cloudster taking it? Did he call you up and profess his undying gratitude for the dinner date? …Or maybe not. Leon's not exactly the best guy to have dinner with, though he'll insist on paying. I mean, eating with him is like eating with only yourself for company. That idiot doesn't talk much. And too bad too. That was such a great opportunity to completely seduce Cloudster. I mean, I've lost count of the number of friends I have who totally made out with their significant other after one date at that notoriously romantic restaurant!

"Update me on this, alright? And count me in the next time you plan something like this! Bye Zack!"

"Hi, this is Zack. Can't take your call right now, so leave a message and I'll call back soon! Leave me a sexy message and I'll call sooner!"

"Zack, what the hell did you do to Cloud? I thought you two had gone out for dinner together, since Aeris and I were busy with girl stuff? So why did my best friend and house mate, pray tell, come home sulking and muttering something about blind dates?

"If I find out that you set him up with someone again like you did with Sephiroth, I will personally castrate you, ten-year friendship with your fiancé or not. I've known Cloud for eleven years, so I think that counts for something more.

"Yes, Zack. Now's the time for you to say, 'Tifa's not happy and she'll be getting her fighting gloves ready the next time we meet'. You're not the one dealing with a sulking Cloud, alright? I have good reason to be mad at you."

"Hi, this is Zack's refrigerator. His telephone just eloped with his television set, so I'm stuck doing the job. Please leave a message slowly, and I'll get it down on a notepad and stick it onto myself with a magnet."

"Hi honey, it's me. Did you just change your welcome message again? I can never understand why you like to change it every few days. Don't you think that's an awful lot of trouble for a voice mail machine?

"Anyway, I've gotten Cloud to agree to come down with us for the movie tomorrow, but… are you sure it's such a good idea to call your colleague down too? Leon, is it? I mean, the last time you tried to get the two of them together, Cloud was pretty upset about it and Tifa! She… she threatened you with castration, didn't she? Don't you know by now that she always means what she says?

"Sure, the last time you tried to set Cloud up with someone, it was a definite lapse of judgment when you chose Sephiroth. Not that there's anything wrong with that man, of course. I mean, he's really nice and gentlemanly and all… But he's just much too uptight and strict for Cloud, which I think must come from his job as a university lecturer. And that reminds me: how did you get to know him, anyway?

"In any case, you know how Cloud is. He hates being controlled, and Sephiroth hates losing control. I'm not really all that surprised they didn't work out, though they've somehow managed to become good friends of sorts. I'm just surprised I managed to stop Tifa from throwing you down from your apartment and claim it was self-defense.

"So are you really sure you want to risk it again and go on a double-date with Leon and Cloud? And you're not even going to tell Cloud that Leon's coming too. I can imagine Cloud having a fit already.

"And you still haven't told me how your colleague is like! Are you sure about him? Is he a control freak like Sephiroth?

"Well, I think you should really think about it. Bye honey."

"Zack Fair! How dare you not call your mother for over a week! And how dare you turn off your cell phone and not be at home to pick up my call when you jolly well know I always call on Friday nights! Even Aeris, my would-be-daughter-in-law, is more obedient than you are. At least she calls me every now and then. And speaking of her, when are you two getting married? You've been dating her since high school; I think it's time you settled down with her and had a few kids. God knows that would make you more responsible.

"So how are you doing now? Are you still working at Mr. Highwind's as a delivery boy? Don't you 'I'm not a delivery boy, mum!' me, young man. Your father still holds that if part of your job scope is delivering goods, you're a delivery boy, and you should know by now it's never a good idea to talk back to your father. So how's your work now? Aeris told me that Mr. Highwind recently gave you a pay raise, so I imagine he's happy with you? I hope you'll repay his kindness by giving him better work, alright? And remember to save up your money for future expenses, like a wedding, for example.

"And how's my favourite nephew? Is Cloud doing well in university? Now that he's also away from home and away from his mother, you'll have to take care of him, you know? I still think he should have moved in with you instead of finding a student's dormitory with that Lockhart girl, but well, it's his choice. And yours too, since I presume you're keeping your apartment free for Aeris to move in with you when you two get married. In any case, remember to look out for Cloud. His mother is already working herself hard to support Cloud through university, so as their relatives, we should do what we can to help them.

"Talking about that, don't forget to recommend your friends to Cloud. The decent ones, anyway. Cloud's mother was just talking to me the other day, about how worried she was that Cloud was still single. I mean, at this age, Cloud should be, erm… dating a lot. And it's not like Cloud's not a handsome young man… Oh wait, your father wants to talk to you."

"Son? What your mother means is, as a teenager with Cloud's looks, he should have lots of girls hanging on his arms."

"Dear, I think Cloud… erm, bats for the other team. So to be more accurate, he should have guys hanging on his arms."

"Is he? Our sweet little nephew is gay? How come I didn't know that?"

"You don't know a lot of things, dear. Anyway, Zack, just remember to recommend your decent friends to Cloud. Decent ones. And don't forget to call us again. Bye son!"

"Kid? You aren't around to pick up yer god damn phone? And why did you turn off that stupid slab of metal? It's a cell phone, for god's sake! It's supposed to be turned on 24/7! If I find that yer at home and not picking up yer boss' phone call, yer dead meat.

"Just remember to get the new gummi parts from Rufus Shinra tomorrow morning. I'd have told Leon to go with you, but I can't get through so I suppose his sister isn't putting down the phone. I just don't understand why teenagers can't stop yapping on the phone. Not that it's my problem. It's Leon's if he can't foot the phone bill at the end of the month.

"Just get the damn gummi parts tomorrow. And stop asking my wife to make you some god damn tea! I'm supposed to be the only one who gets to drink her tea! Why do you think I married her?"

"Zack, you know I hate you, right? Because despite how much I yelled at you a few days ago for setting me up for a blind-date, you've basically just done it again. You even suckered Aeris into helping you out by making her call me down for the movie. And then you made Leon send me home when he lives like, across the town. You're lucky that you broke your cell phone yesterday or I'd have spammed you with hate SMS every other hour. And if the two of us had a moment alone, I'd yelled at you already, so be glad that I still have my manners with regards to public displays, specifically, beating up my wayward cousin who insists on playing the merry matchmaker.

"Will you just get it into your head that Leon and I are not going to work out? Yes, I'm sure he's a really nice guy, but uh, no, no way. He's not my type. It's not just about being attractive, you know? He's got the personality of a rock. I'd go talk to walls if I wanted a better conversationalist.

"Leon and I talked a little on the way home, but it still wasn't very enlightening. I know his last name is Leonhart, his real name is Squall and that 'Leon' is just his nickname, but I think that's about all I found out in that conversation. Alright, and we talked a little about the movie we watched, which reminds me: we're not going to watch chick flicks on double-dates again. Leon nearly fell asleep, and I woke up when the credits started to roll. By the way… I didn't, you know, put my head on Leon's shoulder when I was asleep, did I? Because he blushed when he said that, yeah, he noticed I had fallen asleep too.

"Anyway, we talked a bit about movies too, and I realized that he's got a whole series of Disney movies at his house. Sure, he said that his younger sister's the one collecting all of them, but I think Leon knows a bit too much about the movies to you know, really deny that he's a fan too. He told me that you can actually find Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy in a certain scene in 'The Little Mermaid'! If he's not a fan, I'm not sure what he is. Anyway, he offered to lend me some of the movies. He said he'd pass them to you at work. Think we can have a movie marathon at your place next weekend?

"Okay, enough of the digression. My point is: stop trying to match me up with Leon. He's not my type, and even if he is, I'd prefer to not have you meddling in my love life. Try it again, and I'll set Tifa on you. And maybe even Sephiroth, because if you've forgotten, he's on my side now.

"Good night!"

"Hey, this is Zack's mailbox. You have the right to remain silent. Everything you say can and will be used against you. Feel free to say anything."

"Hi hi! Yuffie here!

"Have you heard about how Cloudster is borrowing Leon's Disney movie collection? I bet Leon told you guys that collection's mine, but ha! He just won't admit it to others that he's a closet Disney fan, especially the old school Disney movies. Bet cha didn't know that he can watch '101 Dalmatians' over and over again like a hundred times on the same day! I think his obsession with that movie can only be rivaled by his obsession with Cloudster nowadays.

"Anyway! I was just thinking, if Cloudster's gonna borrow like half of Leon's collection, we might as well have a movie marathon at our place! Think you can get Cloud to agree to that?

"And remember to call a few others to come too, so Cloudster won't think we're setting him up again, even though we obviously are. Hyuk hyuk! Not stopping our plans until those two dense ones get together, are we?

"Oh, and I'll get the alcohol ready! What's a movie marathon cum slumber party without alcohol, right?

"Call me about this, okay? Bye!"

"Hey, this is Zack's mailbox. You have the right to remain silent. Everything you say can and will be used against you. Feel free to say anything."

"Zack, this is Sephiroth. You aren't picking up your cell phone, and it directed me here. Did you break your cell phone again?

"In any case, I'm calling because of Cloud. He seemed to be having some problems with an admirer, when I saw him at a bookstore earlier. While Cloud was apparently trying to pick out his books –some supplementary textbooks, I assume- the other man just wouldn't leave him alone. He didn't stop, in fact, even when Cloud left, and he just followed him out. It bothers me though, because while Cloud appeared slightly flustered, he didn't tell the other off. Nor did the other man say much to Cloud; he just kept staying close.

"That man has brown, mid-length hair over his shoulders, slightly above average height, wears a black leather jacket with a fur collar, and a scar on his face, I believe. Do you know him? That would explain quite a lot about Cloud's response.

"I'd suggest that you stay away from Cloud's love life. Otherwise, Miss Lockhart will no doubt be angered again, like when you tried to set Cloud up with me. But if that admirer is not your doing, it might be a good idea to extract your cousin out of that situation."

"Hey, this is Zack's mailbox. You have the right to remain silent. Everything you say can and will be used against you. Feel free to say anything."

"Hey Zack. Leon here.

"Erm… I just wanted to thank you, for telling me where Cloud likes to hang out. I hadn't expected him to find him in the bookstore you told me about today, actually, but I just wanted to take a look around at the books available because Yuffie needed some books anyway, and Cloud came in after a while. He was quite surprised to see me, but I didn't give him anything to suspect, so I think you're still safe.

"Anyway, have the movie marathon at your place. I don't want Yuffie to get any strange ideas if Cloud comes here. Just set a time and I'll be there with the movies on Saturday.

"… …Thanks."

"Hey, this is Zack's mailbox. You have the right to remain silent. Everything you say can and will be used against you. Feel free to say anything."

"Gods, Zack! When are you fixing your cell phone? I keep getting directed to your answering machine in your house! And just because your answering machine's been being used a lot more than usual doesn't mean you have to come up with a new, not-so-witty welcome message every other day, you know?

"Anyway, I was just wondering: did you tell Leon where to find me? Because I was at the bookstore earlier this afternoon and when I went in, Leon was there. Considering the bookstore is not within walking distance of his apartment, I have my suspicions as to why he's come over to a bookstore halfway across town for a few books his sister needs.

"And did you, or did you not, tell him that I like vanilla ice cream? Because the first thing he did after we left the bookstore was ask me if I wanted some vanilla ice cream. Not ice cream. /Vanilla/ ice cream. What are the chances of him getting my favourite flavour with just one guess?

"Look, Zack. Leon is nice. He's /really/ nice, I admit that. A little hard-pressed for words, but that's not something I can say without sounding like a hypocrite. My point is: he's really nice, but you know, I don't like the idea of you feeding him with my information and expecting him to do something about it. Chances are, he's too nice to tell you that he doesn't like me, and he thinks you expect him to well, court me or something.

"So just stop it, alright? Stop pushing him and save us both the imminent embarrassment. I don't get the 'I like you' vibes from him, so stop trying to interfere with my love life.

"And by the way, what's the time we're meeting at your place for the movie marathon? Tifa might be coming too if she's free. And Aeris? Is she coming? Anybody else?

"Just keep me updated on this. Bye!"

"Hey, this is Zack's mailbox. You have the right to remain silent. Everything you say can and will be used against you. Feel free to say anything."

"Heh, I'm surprised this welcome message of yours has remained the same for the whole of this week. Anyway, hi hi! This is the world's best ninja Yuffie on the line!

"So the movie marathon's tomorrow, right? Leon and I will be there on the dot at six-thirty, and I'll bring the alcohol. Leon's bringing the chips and a tub of ice cream, I think. Anyway, the real reason I'm calling is because of the sitting arrangements! Do you have a lover's couch or something? Reserve that for Leon and Cloudster! The rest of us can just grab some chairs or sit on the floor, I don't care. This is the perfect opportunity for Leon and Cloudster to snuggle!

"Oh! And brownie points to you for telling Leon Cloud's favourite bookstore! Now my brother's graduated from an admirer to a stalker! He actually found Cloud at the bookstore the other day, and from what I managed to coax out of Leon, I think they had a date after that, eating ice cream together! But he wouldn't tell me what happened at the date! Do you know? Or do you think you can wheedle that out of Cloudster?

"Tell me tomorrow, alright? Bye!"

"Hey, this is Zack's mailbox. You have the right to remain silent. Everything you say can and will be used against you. Feel free to say anything."

"Zack, you bastard! How dare you not pick up my call? I know you're there! Pick it up, you bastard! Just what have you been doing to our brother? Just because you're in Radiant Garden and we're six hours away in Twilight Town doesn't mean we can't kick your ass! I'll hotwire someone's car and drive down if need be! You hear me?"

"Roxas! Don't yell into the phone! And don't call Zack a bastard! He's our cousin!"

"Shut up, Sora! I'll call him whatever I want if he won't stop what he's doing to our brother! Remember how upset Cloud sounded when he called home just now?"

"Well, I wouldn't say he was upset. More like embarrassed… and maybe even a little shy."

"Whatever! Anyway, you listen to me, Zack. Stop playing cupid for Cloud. He doesn't need it, especially when you're hooking him up with some older perv and stalker. And- hey! Sora! Give me back the phone! Hey-!"

"Hey Zack, Sora here. Now that I've gotten Roxas locked outside of our room, I think it'll be more conducive for us to talk. Well, more conducive for talking to your answering machine, in any case. And that reminds me: did you break your cell phone again? It's your fourth one this year! I swear it's like some vicious cycle: you break your cell phone, we get directed to your answering machine at home, we ask you if you've broken your cell phone, you buy a new one, and some time later, repeat pattern. You've really got to be more careful of your gadgets, you know?

"Anyway, enough of the digression. The reason why we called –well, the reason why Roxas called, is because Cloud called us like an hour ago, and I've spent the last hour trying to get Roxas to calm down. He's been in a rage ever since Cloud told mum that you've been playing matchmaker again, and mum got all excited and of course, Roxas got mad. Really mad. I think you should be glad that neither of us has a driver's license or he'd make good on his word and drive the 6-hour drive down to Radiant Garden immediately. You know how protective he is of Cloud, which is kinda strange since we're the younger brothers and normally older brothers are the protective ones.

"Anyway, I'm digressing again. Cloud didn't tell us much about the guy you've set him up with, but I'm guessing he's not too bad a guy? How's he like? Is he the tall, dark, mysterious type? You do remember which type of guys Cloud likes, right? It's the tender loving type, in case you've forgotten.

"In any case, keep me updated on this. I'd like to meet the guy, if Cloud starts dating him. And we're only 6 hours away, so I'm sure we can find a ride. As it is, I think this redhead who's been courting Roxas has a driver's license, and I'm sure that he'd be willing to help. No, scratch that. He'd be falling all over himself if Roxas asked him to help.

"Well, you just take care of yourself and Cloud. And be nicer to your next cell phone, for god's sake. Bye!"

"Hi, this is Zack. I'm currently sharpening my Buster Sword so I can't get the phone right now. Well, I happen to love my sword more than I love you. Too bad, so sad."

"Hey Zack, this is Tifa. Gee, I can't believe your cell phone is broken and now I'm stuck talking to your answering machine. I supposed you're sending Aeris home so that's why you're not around to pick up the phone now? I really wanted to call earlier, but I had to help Cloud get in bed and all.

"Anyway, I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry. I was wrong about your matchmaking abilities, and you've fully redeemed yourself by picking Leon for Cloud this time round. He's just perfect for Cloud, and I can tell that Cloud really likes him too, despite whatever he tells you and however he keeps trying to deny his attraction to us. It's just so frigging obvious that Cloud has one hell of a crush on him I wonder how Cloud ever thought he'd be able to convince us that he doesn't like Leon. Bah! We'd have to be total idiots to not see his attraction to Leon.

"I mean, people usually don't go around kissing people they don't like, right? Even if they are totally smashed, they usually still retain enough sense to not becoming some kissing monster. And Cloud didn't seem all that drunk anyway. The alcohol just lowered his inhibitions.

"And before he got drunk, he was just totally snuggling up to Leon. Don't you think it was so cute how Cloud fell asleep during the movie marathon and he just fell sideways onto Leon's shoulders? Sure, we stuck the two of them on that small lover's couch you borrowed from your neighbours, so they didn't have much place to move, but for Cloud to fall asleep during his Disney movies? It must be because Leon's presence makes him feel safe and comfy, and you know what happens when Cloud feels that way. You can never get him too comfy because he'll just nod off, tired or not.

"And did you notice how Leon's body stiffened up at the contact at first? I swear his eyes were darting everywhere to make sure this wasn't some sort of prank we'd pulled on him, and I can't blame him for that, since you and Yuffie combined are more than enough to tear down the whole apartment block. Anyway, after he was sure it wasn't a prank and that Cloud had really fallen asleep on his shoulders, his face just completely erupted in a blush so red I'm not sure if I've ever seen that shade before. And then he just slowly inched his arm across Cloud's back to grab him by the shoulder to get Cloud closer to himself. I'm quite sure I heard Cloud moan softly at that, and Leon nearly jumped away in shock, but I think Cloud grumbled at the sudden jerk and so Leon stayed put. He even looped his arm back on Cloud's shoulder too. Now wasn't that just the cutest thing ever?

"Especially when Leon thinks nobody has noticed but I'm sure all of us did. Ho ho, I certainly did. In fact, I had the perfect vantage point from where I was.

"By the way, did you manage to see what happened when Cloud finally woke up? He had the worst timing ever; I was in the kitchen getting dinner and he just woke up suddenly. All I saw when I got back was Cloud blushing furiously and Leon apologizing, but Cloud just kept trying to apologize too for sleeping on his shoulders and cuddling up to him. What exactly happened?

"Oh! And then Yuffie pulled out two whole bottles of vodka after the movies! That was when the fun things really started, right? Yuffie must have spiked the vodka somehow –how she managed to spike that I have no idea- because there's no other way why Cloud would get drunk so fast. And I've seen him get drunk before, but never this badly. Who'd have thought that our dear friend would be a giggly drunk? He just crawled into Leon's lap so quickly nobody managed to stop him before he pulled Leon down for a kiss! Trust Cloud to be the type who gives away his first kiss like that, right?

"And for a first kiss, he certainly knows how to use his tongue. I think Leon was so shocked he just about sat there and let himself be kissed. I bet he must be kicking himself right now for not seizing the opportunity to ravish Cloud's lips! Ha ha.

"Too bad Cloud passed out soon after that. The show was just getting steamy, and it just ended. That was so anti-climatic. And I had to lug Cloud back to our apartment. Thank god Leon drove us home and carried him to his bed. Don't worry though; I made sure Cloud was un-ravished and all his clothes are still on. Even I'm not kinky enough to want to see my childhood friend really get it on with his crush, drunk or not.

"Anyway, just a heads up. Cloud is going to be really cranky tomorrow, probably. And he'll probably call and yell at you.

"Good night!"

"Hi, this is Zack. I'm currently sharpening my Buster Sword so I can't get the phone right now. Well, I happen to love my sword more than I love you. Too bad, so sad."

"Zack, you're sick. What sort of welcome message is that? Anyway, this is Yuffie here! I see you're not at home again, and your cell phone is obviously still not fixed. Too bad, really. I wanted to talk to you! I'd have bugged Cloud, but he's obviously too smashed to talk to anyone, let alone into the phone.

"Oh, don't need to thank me for the vodka and don't be too envious of my talents in matchmaking. I /knew/ Cloudster would react well to vodka. But heh, I gotta admit, I wasn't expecting him to react /so/ well. Leon is still fluttering around in our house, and I can just see the pink hearts floating above him. He's not just lovesick now; he's completely love-crazed, after that oh-so-hot kiss! Not that anyone can blame him though, right? I mean, after all that Leon had done, Cloud suddenly coming onto Leon is just so unexpected! Nobody expected Cloud to just throw himself into Leon's arms and smooch him! And after the kiss, he even giggled and said, ' Leon, you're so nice to me.'

"Kyaaaaa! I can't believe how cute this is turning out!

"On the downside, I think I'm going to start eating burnt dinner again. Leon is so going to be daydreaming all the time for the next few days at least. Oh well. Just something I gotta put up with as my hopeless brother wallow in his sweet misery.

"I think I have a few more ideas on how to get those two kissing again, but I'm too tired to talk now. Yawn. Another day, I guess.

"Good night!"

"Hi, this is Zack. I'm currently sharpening my Buster Sword so I can't get the phone right now. Well, I happen to love my sword more than I love you. Too bad, so sad."

"Honey? Are you home yet? Hello? …Sigh, looks like you've still not gotten home yet. Give me a call when you get back, alright? Just so I know you got home safely.

"Anyway, I just forgot to ask you earlier. You know the photos you took secretly earlier with your digital camera? The ones of Cloud snuggling up to Leon? Remember to send them to me, alright? Gosh, those two are just too cute together to ignore. We should make a photo album for them, so they'll have something to remember their relationship by. Something like ours, you know?

"Just call me when you get back. Good night, honey!"

"Hi, this is Zack. I'm currently sharpening my Buster Sword so I can't get the phone right now. Well, I happen to love my sword more than I love you. Too bad, so sad."

"…Kid? I really can't appreciate yer sense of humour. And why, for shiva's sake, haven't you gotten your cell phone repaired? Do you enjoy letting yer boss hear this sort of stupid messages?

"Forget it. Just wanted to tell you that I'm sending you out to Destiny Islands the day after tomorrow, so make sure you pack clothes and stuff. You're gonna be staying there for a couple days to help out Rufus with some gummi parts and sign a new contract with them guys.

"And while you're there, Shera wants you to get her some tea leaves. She says the tea leaves from the islands are famous.

"Bye kid."

"Yo, you've reached Zack's mailbox. I'm probably in the house right now but I'm just avoiding someone. If I don't return your call, it's you."

"Zack? Cloud here. Erm… do you have a minute? A quick minute? I promise I won't take up too much of your time. Can you just call me? I'll wait for your call, alright?"

"Yo, you've reached Zack's mailbox. I'm probably in the house right now but I'm just avoiding someone. If I don't return your call, it's you."

"Zack? Why haven't you called? I thought this is your day off? And I know you're not with Aeris, since she's at work.

"C'mon, just a quick minute. Just call me."

"Yo, you've reached Zack's mailbox. I'm probably in the house right now but I'm just avoiding someone. If I don't return your call, it's you."

"Why won't you call me? Oh screw it."

"This is an automated message from the operator. The number you have called cannot be reached and you will be directed to the voice mail. Please leave a message after the beep."

"Zack! Your answering machine's welcome message is really starting to annoy me! Are you really avoiding me? Why would you? I didn't even murder you when I said I would, that time when you switched my shampoo for sylkis greens essence the day before we went to visit the chocobo farm, causing the chocobos there to preen and baby me!

"And I just called Aeris. She told me that you've already gotten a new cell phone and you've kept your old number. So why am I being directed to your voice mail on your new shiny cell phone now? Zack, just call me. I need to talk to you!"

"This is an automated message from the operator. The number you have called cannot be reached and you will be directed to the voice mail. Please leave a message after the beep."

"Oh just screw it. Zack, I don't care if you're avoiding me or not. I'm just going to talk and you are going to reply me. I will frigging stomp down to your apartment and break down the door to get my reply if I have to.

"I just… I don't know who else to talk to! If I call Aeris, she'll be all mother hen-like and fuss over me. And Tifa will probably faint, or fall over, or smash Leon's head into the nearest wall. And besides, you're the reason I'm in deep shit right now! You are fully responsible for helping me solve this problem.

"So today, well… Leon called me out. He said that he wanted to see me, and he had no plans for lunch and he'd remembered you telling him that I have no classes on Mondays, and he'd heard about this new Japanese restaurant somewhere in town. So since my hangover had finally subsided completely, and I wanted some fresh air, I… I took up his offer. You know, well, something like friends meeting each other and chill out kind of thing?

"So we met up, had a great lunch –oh, the curry udon they serve there is positively delicious- and… well, we sorta talked. We actually had a really nice if not a little awkward conversation going today. I swear he was going to mention the movie marathon night at some point, but thank god he didn't. And after lunch, I walked with him back to his workplace, and… when I was about to head off when he grabbed my arm and turned me around to face him again. And he just… looked at me. He really just /looked/ at me. My heart just starting racing and I was so sure I was blushing to the very last spike of my hair, and I thought I was going to just spontaneously combust there! His face was just so close I could just feel his breath on me! And then he kissed me on my cheek! He kissed me!

"Zack, be honest with me. Apart from snuggling up to Leon during our movie marathon that night, did I do anything else? Tifa won't stop laughing every time I try to ask her! I can't think of any other reason why Leon would kiss me now!

"And… And he's asking me out again tonight. Do you… do you think I should go out with him again? He's really a nice guy, and I've told you since day one that he's really attractive, but… do you think I should, you know, meet him again tonight? I just blush like mad when I see him now!

"Do you think… Do you think I like him? As in, really like-like him?

"Call me back asap, alright?"

"This is an automated message from the operator. The number you have called cannot be reached and you will be directed to the voice mail. Please leave a message after the beep."

"…Zack. You could have had the decency to tell your cousin you're going to be away for the next few days before you left, you know?"

"Yo, you've reached Zack's mailbox. I'm probably in the house right now but I'm just avoiding someone. If I don't return your call, it's you."

"Zack, this is Sephiroth. Have you fixed your cell phone yet? I couldn't get through.

"Anyway, I'm calling about Cloud. Despite what you say, I'm not stalking him. I just happened to be at the bookstore the other day when I saw him and that other guy. And I was having lunch when I saw him and that other guy again today. If anything, I'd say they're stalking me, but I digress.

"I know you told me that the other guy is courting Cloud, but I thought you should know that I do not think the way he's looking at Cloud can be considered gentlemanly. Are you absolutely sure he is the right man to court Cloud?

"Just think about it."

"Yo, you've reached Zack's mailbox. I'm probably in the house right now but I'm just avoiding someone. If I don't return your call, it's you."

"Hi Zack! Yuffie here! I thought you'd gotten home already? Leon told me you're supposed to be back in Radiant Garden today. Oh well.

"In any case, I bet you haven't heard about this yet, but I think Leon and Cloud have gone steady! They're dating! Or at least I think so. But you know, usually only dating couples will go out together almost every night. And they have! Leon's been out for dinner with Cloud almost every night since you left for Destiny Islands that I've been stuck eating Chinese take-out every night. Argh, one more night of chow mein and I will die, I swear. And when I complained about that to Leon, you know what he did? He left a note on our fridge with the number of the nearest pizza parlor. He didn't even stick a fifty-dollar bill there! Some kind of brother I have, right?

"You know how Cloud's doing? I'm almost tempted to call him up, but Leon would skin me alive if I do anything wrong and chase Cloud off. And I'm not all that familiar with Tifa so I'm not really keen on asking her about this sort of stuff.

"Update me, update me! Call me when you can, alright? Thanks!"

"This is an automated message from the operator. The number you have called cannot be reached and you will be directed to the voice mail. Please leave a message after the beep."

"Hi Zack, this is Cissnei here. I suppose you are currently out of range, so your phone can't register the network and that's why I'm speaking into your voice mail now? Anyway, I was just wondering if you've gotten back to Radiant Garden yet. I heard that the roads between Radiant Garden and Destiny Islands are a little dangerous lately, so could you give me a call when you get back?

"And by the way, Rufus approved of my vacation time next week, so I'll be going down to Radiant Garden. Do you think you could bring me around? I've never been to Radiant Garden before, so I'm not even sure how it looks like. Would you be my guide?

"Call me back. Thanks."

"Yo, you've reached Zack's mailbox. I'm probably in the house right now but I'm just avoiding someone. If I don't return your call, it's you."

"Zack? It's Leon. Where are you? You're supposed to be back in Radiant Garden by today, and I can't get through to your cell phone. Cid and Shera are getting worried about you.

"Call me back as soon as you can."

"This is an automated message from the operator. The number you have called cannot be reached and you will be directed to the voice mail. Please leave a message after the beep."

"Zack, your new service provider sucks. The line just disconnected when we were talking and now I can't reach you again.

"Okay, I get the part where you're stuck in traffic outside Radiant Garden, and I've told Cid that you remembered his tea leaves. He's giving you the day off since you've obviously had a hard time getting Rufus Shinra to sign the new contract, but he wants you in the office tomorrow morning on the dot with his tea leaves.

"By the way, I just wanted to check something with you. Did you remember to get the thing I asked you to get for me? Don't squash the paopu fruits, no matter how much they tempt you. I need them for Cloud, so don't do anything to them.

"Thanks. See you tomorrow."

"This is an automated message from the operator. The number you have called cannot be reached and you will be directed to the voice mail. Please leave a message after the beep."

"Honey? Erm, I'm not sure why I can't get through to you on your cell phone, and I hope you haven't broken it yet. You just got it before you left for Destiny Islands!

"Oh, I'm just calling to tell you that I'm already at your apartment. I'll get the bath running and fix dinner, so come back soon, alright? And I was just going through your answering machine earlier, and guess what? Yuffie left a message saying that Leon and Cloud have been going out almost every night since you left! Aww, aren't they just so sweet?

"Anyway, see you in a while, honey!"

"Yo, you've reached Zack's mailbox. I'm probably in the house right now but I'm just avoiding someone. If I don't return your call, it's you."

"Zack, as your cousin, it would have been nice to know you're returning today!

"In any case, I was just wondering if you brought any paopu fruit back from Destiny Islands? Mum called me the other day, and apparently, your parents have been asking my mother to get me to pressure you about marrying Aeris soon. I suppose you've heard about the legends behind the fruits, that if you share it with someone, your futures will be bound together forever? Yeah, that one. I just thought it'd be good if you'd remembered that and bought some of the fruits back. I think girls would really dig it if you propose with a ring and share a paopu with them.

"I'd called you earlier about this, but well, by the time I remembered that, I couldn't get through to your cell phone anymore. Well, tough luck if you forgot. But than again, I doubt Aeris will need that thing to accept your proposal.

"Bye! And welcome back."

"Yo, you've reached Zack's mailbox. I'm probably in the house right now but I'm just avoiding someone. If I don't return your call, it's you."

"It's Tifa. Just in case you haven't realized it yet, Aeris is at my house right now bawling her eyes out. Apparently, she told me that a girl has been leaving you messages on your cell phone, asking you out. And don't blame her for going through your mail box. You know if she doesn't do that, your mail box will always be flooded since you never clear them anyway, and then all of us will be beating down your door looking for you. So there. Not her fault.

"I didn't get the girl's name, but I think it's something like Ciss? Just do something about her, will you? You and Aeris have been dating for too many years to let something like this destroy your relationship."

"Hey son, this is Zack's, and I'll be your confidant for the night. Please feel free to confess to any and all sins, burdens, yada yada. I may or may not listen, and it may or may not help, but who cares right? This is way cheaper than going to the shrink. So go ahead."

"Hi Zack, Cissnei here. Sorry I was away so I didn't get your call, but ah, Elena took down the message for me. See erm… I'm really sorry about your girlfriend. I really didn't mean to make you two argue because of me. I mean, I understand how she feels about me, and I don't blame her. I would be mad too if another girl was moving in on my boyfriend, and I wouldn't be too happy about finding a message from another girl in my boyfriend's voice mail.

"I'm really sorry about that. I didn't realize you're already spoken for. Please tell your girlfriend I'm sorry.

"Anyway, Rufus is sending me away on an emergency, so he's cancelled my vacation. Maybe I'll see you another time? Again, I'm sorry. Please help me clear up the misunderstanding with her. Thanks."

"Zackie? Yuffie here! Just calling you to tell you that there's a change of plans. Apparently, the dessert Leon's making right now is erm… slightly burnt, so he's pushing dinner back a little later. About half an hour. So get Aeris and come look for me at about 7. I'm at my neighbour's house right now, so you can just knock on the door when you get here. Don't worry; Reno may look a little sleazy, but he's a nice guy. I mean, he practically volunteered his house for our 'Operation: Peek at Leon and Cloud's Romantic Paopu Dinner!' Oh, talking about that, we've gotten the cameras and bugs all installed and hidden in my house. Hee hee, I can just see everything happening there now. Oh, I think Leon's trying to fix the candle again while the dessert's baking in the oven. Sheesh, he's so anal. I don't see any problems with the candles."

"Yuffie, he's a man in love, yo. Oh scratch that; he's an anal man in love. Even I can't see anything wrong with that fork, yo."

"Exactly, Reno. See? Zack? Do you see what I'm dealing with? Oh whatever. Just get here with Aeris later. I'll call Tifa. Hey wait, what's he doing with the paopu fruit?"

"Hmm… looks like he's squashing it, yo."

"Yikes. That juice looks disgusting, as romantic as the fruit is supposed to be."

"Yo Yuffie."

"What?"

"You do realize that you're still on the phone, right?"

"Oh crap!"

"Zack? Reno here, yo. I'd appreciate it if you'd return me the tape we recorded last night. I'll make copies for you guys, but I want the original back."

"Hey, it's Tifa. Geez, now I can't see Cloud in the eyes. Every time I do, my face just burns up! I'd never have pinned him down as the mewling type! It's your fault that I can't see my childhood friend in the face anymore.

"…Pass me a copy of the tapes when you've duplicated it."

"Hey, Yuffie here! Aw man, I can't believe we ran the battery flat last night. And we'd just gotten to the good parts too! Who'd have guessed that their dinner would run for so friggin long? We should have planted some bugs in Leon's bedroom too.

"Anyway, Reno said that you've taken the originals with you. Just duplicate me a copy and return it back to him. Somehow, Reno wants it too.

"Okay, see you next time!"

"…Zack? It's Cloud. Erm… you know the thing about the paopu fruit right? Leon told me you brought back some for him when you came back from Destiny Islands, so erm… thanks.

"I've given it some thought, and I think Leon's really, erm, nice. Yeah, so we're dating for real now, and ah… he's really sweet and gentle all. So erm… thanks for hooking us up. Sorry for threatening to unleash Tifa and Sephiroth on you before this, but ah… Oh, screw it!

"Zack, I'm just calling to thank you, and… delete this message asap! Forget I ever called! Don't you dare tease me and tell me that 'I told you so' line when we meet up next time!"

"Hey Zack, it's Leon. Just wanted to thank you for the paopu fruits. And… thanks for entrusting Cloud to me. I'll take care of him from now on.

"…Do you think Cloud will be fine with it? Dating me?

"Erm… thanks anyway."

"Hey, this is Zack's. If this is Spike, stop leaving mushy messages about Leon here. If this is Leon, try leaving your lovey dovey messages at Spike's mailbox. And if this is neither of them, feel free to rant to me about how incredibly dense those two are."

"Dense? Zack, if you think your cousin and his boyfriend are dense, then apparently you haven't seen enough of them together. This is Sephiroth, by the way, if case you can't recognize my voice.

"Anyway, talking about them, I saw them again when I was having dinner in town earlier. I can tell you for certain that those two are anything but dense about how they feel towards the other. They could have eaten each other for dinner, judging from how they couldn't keep their hands off each other the whole time they were there. If they weren't seated in the darkest corner available there and hidden from the other diners, they'd have been one step away from being arrested for public indecency.

"In any case, I'm calling to tell you that yes, I'm free for dinner tomorrow. I suppose we can meet and catch up over dinner. Your girlfriend won't be joining us, will she? I'm making reservations at the restaurant later, so get back to me on this."

"Hey Zack, Tifa here. Do you know you've created a monster? Cloud just came home with love bites all over his neck! And now that I think about it, he's been wearing turtle necks every day for the last few days! Dense? Those two? No way in hell. No way.

"Can't you do something about it? Like get Leon to ease up a bit? He's your colleague, isn't he? Just corner him during lunch break one day and pound it into his head that he's not supposed to be doing that to Cloud! You can't let him do that to your cousin! Gods, ever since Cloud shared a paopu with Leon, he's been all quixotic and starry-eyed. Yeah sure, sharing a paopu is romantic and all, but c'mon, I can't believe how in love those two are nowadays. Leon can visit our apartment and totally not notice that I'm around until I cough to get their attention. It's /that/ bad. I think I should be finding a new roommate soon. I sure as hell don't want to be living alone with Leon finally gets Cloud to move in with him. Then again… maybe I can room with Yuffie, if that happens.

"By the way, I heard from Aeris that you've asked her to move in with you. Finally! I was wondering when you'd get your act together, seriously. But are you just asking her to co-habit? Don't you think she deserves a wedding ring?

"Think about this, alright? Bye!"

"Hi, this is Zack and Aeris. We can't pick up the phone right now 'cause we're currently engaged in our favourite activity. We like to do it sideways, with the occasional up and down movements. Please leave a message, and don't forget to tell us your favourite position! When you're brushing your teeth, that is."

"Zack, I don't how you did it, or if you even predicted this would happen when you did it, but you've done it now. You got my elder brother knocked up by another guy!"

"Roxas, give me the phone. Zack? Sora here. What Roxas meant was, well… When Cloud called us to tell us that he would be coming home for the weekend, neither of us were expecting to see him with a hickey on his neck, and when we pointed it out, he promptly shoved the guy standing next to him and yelled at him for not telling him about the spectacular hickey. And the guy just wore this goofy and very proud grin. This… wasn't the way we'd been expecting our first meeting with Cloud's boyfriend to be like, you know? Totally didn't endear him to Roxas, I can tell you.

"But mum /loves/ Leon. He's exactly the type of guy mum has always told Cloud to snag. You know, the older, more mature type who likes taking care of Cloud? And it really helps that Leon seems to enjoy helping mum do the dishes and fix practically anything. I mean, he fixed the heater for us! Instant brownie points.

"In any case, I think you should be careful for the next few weeks. Roxas' been ranting about-"

"I do /not/ rant!"

"-how he's going to get Axel –oh, that's the guy I told you about the last time we called, the one who's chasing after Roxas left and right-"

"Axel's just my friend!"

"-and drive up to Radiant Garden to look you up with his struggle bat. Axel's elder brother lives there too, you know? So ah, just be careful, alright? Mum's calling us down for breakfast now, so bye Zack!"

-owari-

A/N: Hope you enjoyed this fic, and if you did, please remember to review! Reviews keep writers happy and motivated! Thanx! I should be updating again in a few days, so look out for it! XD