A/N: An (obviously ) AU Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It will begin following the original plotline, but should deviate as I go on. I've fit as much Python humor and Python lines in as I could, to satisfy the purists. Crossover fic- Tsubasa and xxxHOLiC mainly, although Card Captor Sakura references might be made. Pairings will include as much Touya/Yukito as I can fit, Shaoran/Sakura, KuroFai, and DouWata.

It all began, our story teller clarified, when Queen Sakura and her trusty servant Shaoran arrived at Castle No. 1. The newly crowned Sakura was searching for knights to add strength and legitimacy to her new army. She was, of course, the sister of Touya, arriving from the new court at Camelot, Queen of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sultan of all England, which was noted by all by the fact that she didn't have shit on her. Now Sakura never introduced herself like that, seeing as it would have been ridiculously pompous, but she did have to say something to the two soldiers watching her from her tower.

"Hello!" she cried eloquently, startling Extra No. 1.

"Who goes there?"

"Um... Sakura?" she responded timidly. Shaoran, trusty Shaoran, heaved a deep sigh and stepped up.

"She is Sakura, Queen of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sultan of all England. I'm Shaoran. We have ridden the lengths and breadths of the land in search of Knights who will join her at the court in Camelot, which has a very large, very round table. We must speak to your lord and master."

"Shaoran!" a very pink Sakura squeaked beside him.

"We have to, your majesty," Shaoran assured her, although he knew for certain at least 2 titles could have been taken off. That probably would have added to her comfort level, but it would certainly not do for anyone to disrespect his princess, now, would it? Unfortunately, the guard ignored the titles and inquired promptly,

"Where'd you get the coconuts?" Both Sakura and Shaoran were startled.

"What, these? We found them," Shaoran replied, a bit confused by the non requiter.

"Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical. This is a temperate zone!"

"The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land," Sakura explained eloquently, before frowning slightly, "or at least that's what Yukito always said."

"Well, then are you suggesting coconuts migrate?" The soldier responded in complete disbelief.

"Well, no," Sakura said, "I guess they could be carried."

"Well, then, a swallow carrien' a coconut?"

"It could grip it by the hask," an impatient Shaoran retorted, seeking to move on.

"It's not a question of where he grips it," the soldier began in complete disgust, "it's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could NOT carry a one pound coconut!"

"It really doesn't matter," Shaoran answered.

"Here, listen. In order to maintain airspeed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second. Am I right?"

"Is he right, Shaoran?" Sakura inquired. Shaoran looked confused, but bore with the majority, saying,

"I suppose so."

"Well," interrupted a new voice, "an african swallow could carry it!"

"Yes, maybe, but african swallows aren't migratory!"

"That's true. What if two swallows carried it together?"

"Queen Sakura," Shaoran whispered, "let's get out of here."

Throwing one more look up at the still-arguing guards, Sakura agreed and they galloped off into the conveniently setting sun. Shaoran's portable sundial read 3:00 in the afternoon.

The next stop on Sakura and Shaoran's list of castles to seek knights at was not too far away, but it didn't seem too impressive. Stopping to inquire about the state of its owners, Sakura called to a fellow on the side of the road, "Um, old woman!"

"Man!" the old "woman" called back.

"Oh gosh, man, sorry. What knight lives in this castle?"

"I'm 17! I'm not old!"

"I'm so sorry!" cried a dismayed Sakura. "But I can't just call you man."

"M'name's Watanuki."

"Watanuki, right. What knight lives up there?" Shaoran attempted to take control of a rapidly deteriorating situation.

"I object to you automatically treating me like an inferior!"

"Well, she IS queen you know," Shaoran defended.

"Queen, eh? Very nice. And how'd she get that, eh?"

"Well," Sakura interrupted timidly, "see, my older brother was king but then he retired to the south of France with his best friend and lover and so now I have to rule." Sakura said this very matter-of-factly, as if she considered fleeing your country with the High Priest without warning and leaving the country to your 15-year-old sister was a commonplace thing. Actually, in Sakura's world, it probably was.

"No," Watanuki insisted, " you got it by exploiting the workers, by hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society."

"Well," said Sakura thoughtfully, "I can't have that. How about you become a knight at our very very very round table at Camelot and help me stop.. um... "perpetuating the economic and social differences in our society'".

Shaoran couldn't help but be amazed as Sakura turned to smile at him. She could be manipulative! Shaoran felt proud.

"Um.. well, sure, I guess," Watanuki stammered in response, and Sakura knighted him on the spot.

Watanuki Kimihiro made the third knight in Queen Sakura's army of DOOM! -cough- the newly-united England's mediocre fighting force. Already recruited were Kurogane, a loyal knight that Sakura's dear friend Tomoyo, Princess of Mercia, had sent to her, and Doumeki Shizuka, formerly a judge in a small town in Kent. Sakura and Shaoran had stopped by the town while castle-hopping, and Sakura had been very impressed by the man's logic. Shaoran had been less impressed, but had refrained from commenting. He disliked witches as much as the next Englishman, but he thought that a duck was not necessarily the best basis for a legal system. Maybe Sir Watanuki would agree with him.

The three of them- Sir Watanuki, Queen Sakura, and Shaoran- were on their way back to Camelot now, where they could reunite with Sir Doumeki and Sir Kurogane to hold a conference at their very very round table. From there they would await a crisis or a quest (it could go either way, since it was Sakura concerned).