Author's Note: Everyone needs a break from their heavier work, and this is mine. This was inspired by my brothers harrowing day at the ER, and the season premieres of House and Bones tonight. This is in Carlisle's point of view.

I own neither Twilight, nor its respective characters. I do not own any of the television shows mentioned, nor their respective characters. I do not own the lyrics to Weird Al Yankovic's "Like a Surgeon" – though I do wish for some of his genius.

Driving home from work, listening to my iPod, excited to return to my family – it was moments like these that made me feel truly human. I had been humming to the lyrics of my favorite classic rock tunes, when I was genuinely confused by a new track. Edward… I thought with a groan, but then began to listen closely.

"Hey, Like a surgeon,

Cuttin' for the very first time,

Like a surgeon,

Organ transplants, are my line."

Nearing the house, I laughed this time. Edward… I thought, reprimanding, please, no more additions to my music collection

Edward was chuckling when I stepped through the door. "But you did like it?"

I sighed, shaking my head, giving no indication of any preference for the relatively ingenious parody, and headed to my office to put my briefcase away. I had to prep myself for a peaceful evening catching up on my favorite medical shows. Ever since the nurses at the hospital had started calling me McDreamy, I had to know what all the fuss was about. Of course, one medical drama wasn't enough – they were both addictive and intelligent, and every week I would record several hours' worth of episodes, eager to divulge in the day-to-day drama of J.D. and Turk, or of House and his ducklings.

When I returned however, I knew that I wasn't going to get that peaceful evening of I.V. drips and gossip at the nurses' station. The entire family - minus Esme - sat in the living room, deep in a rather heated discussion. Jasper clued me in when he felt my disappointment.

"We want to watch television, but there's nothing decent on."

"And the TiVo is filled with medical shows." Emmett added.

"So?" I asked, taking a seat. I was perfectly fine with medical shows.

"How can you deny the genius of House?" Edward picked up the argument, looking to Bella for agreement; she nodded generically – probably preferring to support Edward instead of actively participating in the argument. "Brilliant doctor, terrifying bedside manner, snarky dialogue, a talented British actor with a remarkable solid American accent…"

"But we missed Grey's!" Alice whined from her perch next to Rosalie, who usually watched Monster Garage, but didn't miss an opportunity to heckle the clueless interns at Seattle Grace. They had given me no end of grief when they found out the nurses' fond nickname for me, and had been eager to recite the events of the show – in minute detail – for the past three seasons so I could fully appreciate this new season.

"It's nowhere near half as funny as Scrubs," Emmett protested. He wasn't quite so apt to swoon as his wife was, and tended to avoid the drama – the blatant comedy of Scrubs was more up his alley, with Dr. Cox's scathing comments and J.D.'s inner monologue.

"Unrealistic," Jasper criticized, "compared to, say, Dr. 90210."

We had yet to figure out Jasper's obsession with the show. He claimed, that as the one most understanding of human emotion, it amused him to no end to see how far pride would take some people. It didn't fit his military demeanor, though if he were ever strong enough to become a doctor, I could easily see him as a plastic surgeon.

"Well, is there no way to settle on something we all want to watch?" I asked, surfing through the recorded episodes. "Let's vote."

"House." One vote.

"Grey's." Two female votes.

"Scrubs." One vote.

"Dr. 90210." One vote, and an overwhelming desire to just give up the fight.

"E.R."

"E.R?" A chorus of voices turned to Bella, outraged that she hadn't chosen to support them. Alice expected her best friend to sit and swoon with them. Emmett expected his little sister to sit and chuckle with him. Jasper had hoped his manipulation would work. Edward expected her support. She was his mate; he should know better.

"Everybody likes E.R." She said, by means of explanation for her sudden treason. But, apparently, not everybody did like E.R.

"There are two of us voting for Grey's!" "This is unfair!" Alice and Rosalie complained.

"What's your vote, Carlisle?" Jasper asked, unwilling to calm his siblings down, still hoping for some support.

"Bones," I admitted, regrettably unable to settle the argument.

"Two votes," Alice declared, "majority wins!"

"What's all the fighting about?" Esme entered with a potted plant. When she went through her potted plant phases, she was the least tolerable of the petty arguments – and this was the Cullen family at its pettiest. We all recognized this immediately, and settled quickly into non-predatory poses – but not quick enough to escape her notice.

"I asked," she said calmly, her hands on her hips, "what is all the figh-."

"We want to watch- ." "There's nothing on!" "Carlisle went and loaded the TiVo with doctor shows." "This is so unfair…"

"Let me see here." She picked up the remote and joined me on the couch. I took her hand and smiled at her gratefully – she was always able to squelch all of our family squabbles with the deft touch of a mother (who never could look forward to getting rid of her kids when they left for college).

However, as I watched her flip through the recorded shows and saw her pass all of the ones I'd set to record, I knew something was about to go wrong. Terribly wrong.

Martha Stewart began discussing quiches.

We didn't even eat quiche.