Pink Icing and Blossoms

AN: Ah, crack fanfiction. Don't take seriously, all right?

IMPORTANT NOTE: I revised the first chapter because it was annoying me. Note that the plot has slightly changed now.

Disclaimer: I DON'T own any of these characters, I just write fanfiction for them. D

As weeks go, this one just hadn't been bad. It had been complete and utter nightmare for the mastermind group at Akatsuki hide-out.

On Monday, Deidara had stuffed a full roll of tissue paper down the toilet, nearly breaking the plumbing system and leaving barely any water left in the pipes. Hidan and Kakuzu had then had an explosive fight over the one shower that was working, ending thus in their couch being ripped to shreds.

Kisame finally had nearly cried over the pieces of his favourite couch skewered on the floor, and locked himself in the damp bathroom for hours. Itachi only managed to bring him out of his whimpering only after he promised to 'personally come with him to buy a new one' (he'd said it, oddly enough, with clenched teeth).

Nerves were ridiculously tense, and hands were just twitching to get around throats by the time the drizzly, wet Saturday had rolled round. Pein, the leader had called a meeting in the kitchen that morning, and everyone was now crammed into the tiny, crowded little room.

'Right, I'm going to guess you're all aware of our little problem.'

He began, after coughing.

'Like hell little!

Deidara suddenly called out angrily from somewhere in the back.

'I haven't had a shower IN a week un! My hair's starting to lose its natural Fruit of the forest's smell!! UN. And what's…'

Everyone turned to look behind them then and Deidara faltered. '… W-what's with all those angry looks?'

'WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THESE ANGRY LOOKS?!!!'

Suddenly, an exetremly pissed off Hidan was throttling Deidara's neck. The blonde gagged, his head bopping back and forth like a ragdoll's.

'I'll TELL you WHAT THE FUCK is with these looks. YOUR FUCKING PIECE OF TOILET ROLL COSTING US WATER AND MONEY IS WHAT!!'

'I-I. D-didn't. M-mean. T-to…'

Deidara flailed his arms pathetically as he tried to wail out an explanation.

Hidan's outburst turned the kitchen into an instant, crazy uproar. Suddenly half of the Akatsuki tried to jump on Deidara. While the other half, severely confused in the cosy space, jumped on each other.

'Why does everything have to turn to violence with us?'

Pein rolled his eyes and picked up a wooden spoon that had been conviently thrown from the fray to the counter beside him. Then, he slammed it down on said counter with considerable force.

The Akatsuki (now somehow crammed into one corner with Deidara desperately trying to escape into the tiny fridge) froze and looked up at him.

'As I was saying, we have both plumbing and money troubles.'

The wooden spoon that was now cracked in half, the dip in the spoon hanging by a thread on the handle was waved in the air to emphasize his point. 'The plumbing… accident, was really the clincher for our money troubles though.'

Everyone blinked, confused looking. It was fairly obvious that they had money troubles lately. The lack of food, nail-polish, hot showering water and general comfortable living had been a bit lacking this month.

But they were the Akatsuki, they always scraped by… right?

'Basically, we're broke.'

The reaction was a stunned silence at first. Apart from Hidan again choking Deidara that was. Kakuzu dragged him back screaming and glared straight at Pein as he restrained Hidan.

'What do you mean we're broke… we can't be, we're the damned Akatsuki for god's sake!' He quietly hissed, simultaneously letting go of Hidan who fell to the floor with a shout and a 'fuck!' as he waved his hands in the air.

'We're broke.'

Pein stated simply and calmly again.

'Really, do you think the life of an s-class criminal would be glamorous?'

The looks on their faces obviously said differently. Pein shook his head and sighed.

'Even daily living costs were starting to catch up with us and with the plumbing expense… we could even end up evicted. Homeless and Penniless, without showers, mirrors or food... possibly in the next week if we can't get the final due payment in.'

This time the reaction was pure panic.

'Broke?!! But HOW. I counted that money to the last Yen!!'

'WHAT the FUCK?! What fucking money's going to pay for my sacrifices then!!'

'Look what you've done Deidara, you bastard!'

'Look what I've done, YOU spent all that money on those wooden bolts! UN.'

'B-but, THINK OF THE COUCH!'

'Mhm… this means I can still eat people… right?'

Zetsu was the last to speak for suddenly, Itachi who had been standing quietly in the corner all this time, finally moved. 'The answer is simple. We need to make more money…'

A silence followed and Itachi glanced round at the scrutinizing, accusing glares with a raised eyebrow. Kisame finally spoke up, seeming to be the only one who could bother to.

'Thanks for the bloody obvious Itachi! We've needed money ever since we started shopping at the convience store!'

Kisame flailed his arms wildly as he spoke.

Everyone nodded along with this.

'Were simply not going to earn money by standing around here… especially now that we're broke!' Kakazu announced dryly, making everyone nod faster again.

'Exactly.'

Pein was somewhat glad Kakazu was a walking piggy-bank. At least he was focused on the making money part, instead of being more worried about his hair or food, or nail polish (when needed).

'So, that is the second announcement I had for you all – last week I wanted you to at least try to think up ideas for the next meeting… any ideas.'

There was quiet shuffling.

'TOBI has an idea!'

'Any ideas at all…?'

'Tobi has an idea please leader-sama!'

'ANYONE AT ALL.'

Tobi still waved his one hand frantically in the air, trying to catch his attention. Pein groaned. Whenever Tobi had an idea, bad things tended to happen afterwards.

Like the time he decided to keep those two rabbits in a hutch outside. They had bred, literally, like rabbits. They still hadn't got rid of the smell.

Or the time he tried to paint the living room pink. Itachi had nearly killed him though luckily for Tobi, he had managed to be convinced that it was only a light red.

So he tried to avoid Tobi's brilliant schemes whenever he could. Though he couldn't ignore his frantic hand that was jostling an impassive looking Sasori and a pissed off Hidan.

'PLEASE LEADER-SAN'

Pein rubbed his temples. 'Fine… Tobi. Shoot.' Everyone systematically groaned.

'Well Tobi thinks we should win some money! Tobi means, we should enter a competition!' He bounced up and down on his heels and waved both his hands in the air this time. 'And Tobi's found the perfect competition, lookie, lookie!'

He pulled out a brightly coloured sheet a paper from nowhere and waved it in the air.

'Give me that!'

Sasori hissed and swiped the sheet of paper from Tobi's hand. He stared at it for a moment, raising an eyebrow. 'Well, what the hell does it say?' Hidan demanded.

'Want your cooking skills to be known, or just want to make some extra money?'

His eyes widened and his voice rose as he read further.

'Join in on the village's annually cooking festival then. Prize for the best dish!'

'…'

Everyone, with wide eyes, ogled Sasori and the leaflet he held.

'Tobi, that has to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard.' Kakazu finally managed to choke out. 'I agree.' Sasori hissed between his gritted teeth and began to tear up the leaflet.

'Noes!'

Tobi pleaded and grasped at Sasori's arm, but then Deidara bonked him on the head. He gave an 'ouch' and whimpered as his sensei started to lecture him. 'For the last time Tobi, don't pick up random leaflets un! You remember what happened when you adopted those rabbits!? UN?'

Sasori threw the torn pieces into the bin and rubbed his hands clean.

'What the fuck Tobi?! Why the hell would the Akatsuki cook!?' Hidan twitched beside Tobi. 'And especially in a wide open area.' Kisame picked up. 'We're the Akatsuki! We can't just go into a village and hope that no one recognizes us!'

Pein sighed, and rubbed his temples again.

'Right, we'll excuse that Tobi… so, does anyone have any actually GOOD IDEAS.'

Despite Deidara trying to hold him down, Tobi was frantically trying to wave his hand in the air again. 'For the love of god UN. TOBI!' Deidara quietly hissed to him.

'B-but, Tobi has something else to say!'

'Tobi! UN. SHUT. UP.'

Pein again couldn't ignore Tobi's hand. 'WHAT TOBI.'

'B-but, leader-sama can't ignore Tobi's idea. Tobi already called the number on the sheet!' Deidara twitched at his plead, and hoped to god that either Tobi was delusional or he was hearing things. Everybody turned, obviously praying for the same thing.

'W-what do you mean… Tobi?'

Pein asked calmly, though there was a distinct quiver in his voice. 'Please tell me, oh no… you didn't right?'

He could see Tobi's grin perfectly through his mask. 'Oh Tobi did, Leader-Sama!'

'Oh good God.'

Itachi spoke for everyone in the silence. 'You mean… you called the number, and entered us?'

'As team Akatsuki!' Tobi responded happily.

'And tell me Tobi… can you cook?' Itachi asked next, raising an incredulous eyebrow. 'Uh…' Tobi smile faltered under his mask, and he took a second to think. 'Yes Tobi, tell everyone what a FUCKING wonderful cook you are UN!!'

Deidara screamed and began to throttle Tobi by the throat.

'Get that leaflet, we're going to pull out of it.' Itachi commanded and pointed to the bin in the corner. Kisame, who was closet to it, quickly pulled it up and dumped it onto the floor.

'Was that really necessary Kisame?' Sasori asked through his gritted teeth as a small wave of banana skins and Chinese takeaway wrappings spilled onto his feet. He shook his legs, throwing off some potato skins. It flew off to land on a counter but before it could, Zetsu grabbed it in mid air, and chewed on it.

'You eat rubbish too?' Kisame asked, his face half fascinated, half disgusted. 'Zumtcimes' Zetsu mumbled back as he munched his way through the rubbish. 'Number.' He held out a piece of paper and happily went back to the contents of the rubbish bin.

Kakazu suddenly snatched it though and shook his head. 'We can't just pull out Itachi.' He stated. 'And why not?' Itachi frowned.

'Well for starters, you just can't demand to pull out of competition… it's suspicious enough already… besides…'

Pein in and held up a piece of paper Zetsu had picked out of his mouth. '500,000 yen reward. Enough to pay this month's bill and next month's and the plumbing along with it.'

Everyone stared at him. 'You seriously can't be agreeing to this, I mean, can anyone cook here?!' He motioned around at everybody who shuffled and shook their heads. 'Can't even make toast.' Deidara muttered.

'Does anyone else have a better idea? Because the Akatsuki are going to be homeless otherwise. I was hoping you lot might finally own up to hoards of money you might be keeping. Or perhaps some long-lost aunt we could knock mysteriously off the map and claim serious money from the will.' He had obviously been thinking about this while everyone else argued. 'But since you obviously spent the week thinking about your personal hygiene… this is our only shot bar prostitution… and NO, we're not doing that.'

Kakazu sighed miserably.

'So that means Leader-sama?' Tobi yipped excitedly.

Pein sighed heavily. 'Yes Tobi, we're going to… well at least try your idea. What do we have to lose, I suppose?'

'I am going to regret this.' He told himself quietly.

Deidara coughed at the awkward silence that followed.

'So who can cook un…?'

---

Far away, in Konoha of the Fire Country, a certain pink haired shinobi leaned away from her mixing bowl and sneezed.

'Nhm. Hope I'm not catching a cold…'

She frowned, and glanced out the window at the cloudless day before returning to her soon to be iced pink cake.

AN: Thanks for reading! Please rate and review.