Disclaimer: I own this! Well… not the characters… or the locations… or most of the spells… Oh screw this; I basically only own the plot. –grumbles- Anyone want to make a donation?

Summary: TV cooking taken to a whole new level.

Cooking with Snape

Chapter 1: Butter substitution

The camera turns and zooms in upon a cosy little kitchen in the Hogwarts dungeons, decorated with pink ribbons and lace. In the middle of the counter stands a man in black robes with his back to the camera. He seems to be looking out from of the fake window to the painted décor behind.

'Three, two, one and action,' a disembodied voice calls.

The man turns around and smiles at the camera. 'Welcome on this fine day to my new program; Cooking with Snape. I am Professor Severus Snape, potions master at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, as many of you may know me. But you don't know my real passion, which I will be introducing you to today; cooking. First off, to be a good cook, you need the right attire.'

Promptly he pulls out a floral patterned apron and a hairnet from under the counter. He puts the apron on, and then placed the hairnet over his greasy hair before finally tying the apron.

'Now, today we'll be making Horklump-Flobberworm casserole. In some people's opinion the only good thing you can do with them. I have to agree,' Snape nods, producing two bowls, one filled with Horklumps, the other with Flobberworms. 'First thing you do is chop them all up into tiny pieces.' He points his wand to the bowls. 'Sectumsempra. Now remember, this is a dark spell, all you goody goods out there might want to use a different one. I might suggest "Defodio", though it is not as effective.'

'Right, the next thing we need is a fire to bake up the Horklumps and Flobberworms before they are put in the casserole, for the extra crispy taste. Incendio,' he says, pointing his wand at the stove, on which one of the pitches immediately sparks to life. 'Next thing we should get a frying pan, but since the House Elves would not lend me any, I'll be using a cauldron instead.'

He points his wand to the stove again and a cauldron appears on the happily spluttering fire.

'To make sure we don't burn anything, we first put a whole package of butter…' Snape looks around worriedly. 'One moment, please. Butter, butter, butter… eggs, flower, veritaserum, shampoo, weird and scary looking floaty thingy in pot… Ah, no that's a bar a soap… butter, butter, butter… flask of love potion for Filch… poison to sell Filch as cure for Mrs. Norris's sneeze… but no butter. I must have used the last on my hair. Oh well,' he mutters turning back to the camera. 'It seems I've run out of butter at the moment, but don't despair, I've got a substitution for it.'

He points his wand to the counter and suddenly the disembodied head of James Potter appears.

'What do you think you're doing, Snivellus?' The head demands 'I was just starting to enjoy my eternal rest!'

'Silenco,' Snape points his wand at the head with a bored expression. 'When you don't have butter in the vicinity, almost anything can be used instead, just as long as you have the right spell at hand.'

'Obviously you don't,' James's head comments. 'You can't even produce a working silencing charm. Anyway, you aren't making that Horklump-Flobberworm casserole again, are you? Wait till the world finds out it was not Voldemort that killed us, but in fact it being food poisoning from disaster take 3 which you dare to call food. Do you have a permanent bezoar in your stomach or something that you haven't died yet?'

'Shut up, I wasn't talking to you,' Snape snaps.

'No, but I am talking to you. You know, we were trying to be friendly by eating that thing you called a casserole, but even Lily hated it. She actually tried to puke it out when you left, but it had sollified (A/N: If that isn't a word it is now) in her stomach and wouldn't get out. It's a good thing Harry wasn't eating that kind of solid foods just yet. The poor kid wouldn't have known what was happening to him and we wouldn't have closed an eye.'

Irritated, Snape flicks his wand at the head and directs it to the cauldron.

'And another thing, if Lily finds out what you are doing to me now… Even the afterlife wouldn't be a safe place for you. I swear her temper has gotten worse ever since she died…' James's head is cut off as it lands with a small "thud" in the cauldron.

'Time's up, wrap it up,' the disembodied voice from earlier calls.

'Well, I guess that's all the time we had for today. And remember, a clean kitchen is a happy kitchen,' Snape tells the camera, slightly whacking his finger at it.

'I'M MELTING! GET ME OUT!' James's voice calls from the cauldron.

'Join us next week when we make Tebo stew,' Snape waves and the screen turns black.

A/N: Okay… tell me honestly what you think, even if it's a load of crap. If you happen to have liked it… any suggestions on other recipes Snape can try out, please share, they will be most welcome.