Usagi: Hello everyone! And welcome to a brand new Parody I've been wanting to submit for some time now. Now's the time.
Zakura: for those who don't know us. I'm Zakura, Usagi's bunny, and Usagi is plain nuts.
Usagi: ri…hey!
Sora: it's true.
Usagi: ach, Shut up both of you.
This fanfic was inspired by an article I found on Uncyclopedia (so the article Riku reads actually exists, yet I've only seen it on the Norwegian page though) and a MSN-RP
Zakura: you don't even want to know what goes on there.
Usagi: eyh… Didn't I tell you to shut up?
Zakura: yes, but I'm a rabbit, not just a dog you can boss around.
Usagi: well shut up or I'll GET the dog.
Zakura: …
Usagi: so… enjoy the prologue!
DISCLAIMER
Usagi-Zakura does not own Star Wars, Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy, Sam and Max, Harry Potter or Disgaea.
I only own the Sequel DVD-box (episodes 4-6) an 1-3 on separate DVDs, Kingdom Hearts 1 and 2 for PS2, Final Fantasy VII Advent Children on DVD, most of the Harry Potter books and nothing Disgaea…sniff. I'm sad.
WARNING:
This fanfic contains Character-deaths, OOC-ness (like all other Dork-fics), insanity, spoilers (for Star Wars and Kingdom hearts 1 and 2) death stars and internet.
Not recommended for people without a sense of humour looking for serious, angsty romantic fanfictions, or people without internet...unless you got a friend to print it for you.
Prologue:
How to Build A Death Star
In a fandom, far far away, somewhere inside the mind of a rather vicious sadistic fangirl, a young boy was leaning over his laptop, staring blankly at the screen in front of him, showing if the universal language for the word "I'm bored".
And his body language wasn't lying, the great keyblade master, Sora, was indeed extremely bored. All he had to do was surf on the internet and chat with his best friend Riku on MSN.
The best friend in question was in fact sitting on the other side of the table in Sora's classroom; MSN was another nifty way to send messages to each other without the teacher noticing, especially since neither of them were doing what they were SUPPOSED to be doing.
What were they supposed to be doing? Lord knows, they weren't paying attention.
"I'm bored" Sora wrote on MSN.
"Gee, I did not notice" came the answer, from ten feet away. "I'm just trying to find some information about where to buy Star Wars merchandize online."
Sora just groaned. He had never understood why his best friend was so obsessed about Star Wars; it was neither from Square Enix nor Disney so why bother?
He was soon disturbed from his boredom by a shout from the other side of the table.
"NO FREAKING WAY!" Riku shouted.
His teacher raised an eyebrow at him. "Something wrong?" she asked.
"Er…no. Everything's fine. Just got an error message on the computer but its fine now" Riku said quickly. He turned back to the computer screen and quickly sent a link back to Sora, via MSN.
Sora clicked it, hoping Riku wasn't sending him viruses again; he had only just gotten rid of the last one, but it had caused his antivirus-program to become extremely paranoid so he uninstalled it. A window opened in his web browser.
"How to Build Your Own Death Star" it said, next to it was a pop-up saying "Lol U has a virus".
Sora's eyes widened, ignoring the virus, even if he wasn't a big Star Wars fan, that didn't mean he didn't know what a death star was. He wasn't born under a rock, it was more of a mud hut really… besides Riku had dragged him on to every star wars Premiere, even to the ones who premiered before they were even born (using the magic time travel-door in Mickey's basement).
Sora looked past his computer screen and saw Riku was smirking at him from the other side of the table.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" he whispered.
Sora smirked back.
"Xemnas is so going to hate this…a lot" he replied.
Then Sora's computer blew up.
I--?segassemtercesehtdaeruoynac--I
As the bell rang, the two best friends stayed behind in the classroom, wanting to read more on this amazing article.
Usually when they had nothing better to do they would skip class and go bother the Organization XIII, but now Mickey had confiscated the gummi ship, saying something about "education is more important than you bothering people with no hearts". Sure thing mousey, but it's far more FUN bothering people than being in school all day.
Now however they had a chance to build their OWN ship, what's better, a DEATH STAR.
"So, what do we need?" Sora asked Riku, who was at the computer.
"Well, first thing we need is an evil master plan. Most suggest taking over the world or saving Norway from being invaded by pickles" Riku said.
"Does bothering Roxas count as an evil master plan?" Sora asked.
"Only if we use it to run over his cat".
"Okay!"
"Aright! Let's look at what else we need: Hammer, saw, a green wire (very importantly it needs to be green), Obi Wan Kenobi…"
"How do we find Obi Wan Kenobi?" Sora interrupted.
"Wasn't he in Usagi's other fic, Dork Period?" Riku asked.
"Oh yeah! We can ask him there!" Sora said. "What else is on the list?"
"We need: Foil to protect ourselves from radioactive rays, a screwdriver, grease, beer, an atomic reactor, steel bolts, stapler (or we could use paperclips), super glue, stickers for decoration, anti material, Pokèmon cards, and duct tape! There's no way we can build anything without tape" Riku said, in which the author couldn't help but agree. Tape was one of her best friends, covering much of the stuff she owned, including the hamster cage (for wind protection, very important).
"I'm sure we can buy all that at the local super market. But who sells Pokèmon cards now a days?" Sora asked.
"Well we could probably beat up some kid and steal his, I'm sure Tidus has some and he's decently beat up-able after Square Enix completely messed up his character for use in Kingdom Hearts, kind of confused why we need them anyway but it says no star commander can do without them so they must be right" Riku said. "Let's see what else it says:
Before you start, it pays to know someone who's built a death star before. Do we know anyone like that?"
"I heard Leon had one stashed away somewhere" Sora said. "He didn't want to take it out cause then Yuffie would steal it and cause chaos in the universe".
"Let us talk to him later. Remember the most important thing though".
"That it needs to have all the best functions and stuff?"
"No, that it looks spectacular. We don't play evil star commander, mr. Keyblade master".
"Sorry, Darth Vader" Sora muttered.
"Hey! I thought of this plan! If anything I at least want you to address me as Emperor Riku" Riku said.
"But I wanted to be the emperor" Sora whined.
"Shut up. You can be Darth Sora" Riku said.
"Fine then! At least I got the better-looking one" Sora muttered.
"Yeah…hey wait! I wanna be the better-looking one!" Riku said.
"Too late, master. From now on you're the ugly-looking emperor" Sora said mockingly.
"Sigh! Fine! As long as I can sit in the big chair".
"I wanted to sit in the big chair…"
And so, Sora and Riku started building their death star. No one bothered to try to stop them since they didn't think they would actually finish it.
Unfortunately they did, to everyone's grief, not only the bad guys, but also to Roxas' cat Trixi who, true to Riku's word, got run over by it.
Power is a dangerous thing, even in the hands of the Keyblade master and his best friend, and it didn't take long before the duo had built their own empire, consisting of an army of heartless Riku just happened to control ("It was a mistake giving him that power" Maleficent groaned), lead by Sora and Riku of course, their old friends and some new ones.
The new ones were a couple of guys Sora and Riku had met on the internet (the forum for crazy psychopaths, which Riku was still frequently visiting), they called themselves "Sam and Max, Freelance police" and were on the team only because Max agreed to let them borrow his "SHOOP DA WOOP"-Laser for their death star if they let him join, and Riku loooooved SHOOP DA WOOP-lasers…
Yes it was a very annoying time period….for the Organization XIII at least.
Usagi: and now ladies and maniacs, here's the official start of the Newest Dork-fanfiction.
This chapter introduces the following characters:
Marluxia as Captain Antilles.
Namine as Princess Leia Organa.
Sora as Darth Vader.
The Heartless as Stormtroopers.
Sam and Max, Freelance Police as Stormtrooper leaders/Gouvernours.
Roxas as Luke Skywalker.
Olette as Beru Lars.
Pence as Owen Lars.
Xemnas/Xehanort as Obi Wan Kenobi/Ben Kenobi.
Tinkerbell as R2D2.
Tron as C3PO.
ENJOY!
Heart Wars. Episode IV: There is no Prequel.
Chapter I
Recipe for Disaster
A pink gummi ship travelled through space near Castle Oblivion as it was attacked by a giant ball of metal and aluminium (and some cardboard) held together with cardboard and tape, carrying a major sign saying "Imma charging mah lazarz".
No one really wanted to mess with the empire as they put up this sign as it usually led to no good, so the captain, the silent assassin Marluxia, decided to just surrender.
It didn't take long before heartless began swarming the ship, Marluxia jumped of the ship screaming something like "remember to water the flowers when I'm gone Namine!"
"Oh great. I was hoping I could force some secrets out of that guy" Sora sighed, as he saw a little pink spot move out of reach of the radar in the Death Star. "Better go ask the witch instead".
Finding Namine in the huge pink gummi ship (wonder who painted that…) wasn't all to easy, as the soldier heartless seemed to freak out at all the pink, and the shadows (who could walk trhough walls) kept forgetting everyone else could not walk trhough walls, so they had problems securing their target.
Eventually Namine was found, not by the heartless, but by Sam and Max, who had strategically blown themselves trhough half the ship using dynamites and various dangerous weapons such as exploding penguins and holy hand grenades, as she had just summoned up a portal far to small for any human (or nobody in Namine's case) could come trhough, so the dog and the rabbit wasn't so sure as to why she had bothered summoning it.
Namine was led back to the Death Star, where Sora was waiting.
"Aha! There you are! The witch who stole my memories" Sora said accusingly.
"You still haven't gotten over that? I said I was sorry" Namine sighed.
Sora whined, as he really had no real reason to be mad at Namine anymore, but he still decided to at least try and keep his mask, (in double meaning: he was wearing a Darth Vader Mask in plastic, which was constantly falling of, yet apart from that he was wearing his regular KH2-uniform). "Well ehm…anyway. We want information on where the Organization is hiding" the keyblade-master said.
"I'm not telling" Namine said stubbornly.
"Aw. Come on".
"No"
"Please?"
"Nope."
"I'll give you cookies?"
"I don't like cookies".
Sora looked as though he was about to have a heart attack, so the little white bunny decided to take over.
"Never mind him, he's a severe idiot. What he was trying to say is: tell us where the Organization's base is or we'll blow up your home world" Max, the white bunny said.
"You wouldn't dare" Namine said.
"Oh yeah? Watch me!" Max said and pressed a button, the sign outside the Death Star quickly changed to "IMMA FIRING MAH LAZARZ!" and with a loud "SHOOP DA WOOP!"-sound Castle Oblivion was blasted to…well, oblivion.
Namine just looked on in horror.
"Ah. Blowing up planets is such a fun pass-time" Max said.
"You crack me up little buddy" his dog-friend Sam said.
"Well done officers, now take this witch to her cell" Sora said, and the heartless carried Namine down to the Death Star's prison cells. "And don't try to escape; the cells are guarded by dementors".
On the way, Namine tried to count how many strange movie or game-referances had been done in the fic so far, surely it was based on Kingdom Hearts-characters and Star Wars, then there was Sam and Max and the Disgaea-prinnies, now Harry Potter's dementors? What was the author on when she wrote this?
FYI: Several litres of Coca Cola, its 2 AM and I'm still reading crack-fics online. That usually causes a good deal of randomness.
IV--Srennisfosluoshtiwsniugnepdeffutseraseinnirp--IV
It was twilight in Twilight Town and a young boy was getting ready for another day of not-really-existing-but existing-all-the-same, as he walked past the streets, he was stopped by one of his friends.
"Rooooxas!" a girl with brown hair yelled as she ran up to her friend.
"Aw, what now Olette?" Roxas asked.
"I sent Pence of to hire some new housekeepers today, but I forgot to tell him to make sure at least one of them knows how to set the watch on the VCR. Could you tell him for me?" Olette asked.
"Who the heck uses a VCR now a day anyway? Just get a DVD-player" Roxas sighed. "But fine, I'll go find him".
He walked over to the Twilight Town Employment Agency where he found Pence, currently interviewing a man.
"So, mr. Tron. What are your qualifications?" Pence asked.
"Well I'm a highly advanced security program, designed to wipe out any virus on the planet, and I can also speak every language known to mooglekind and program the watch on any VCRs" Tron explained.
"Perfect! You're hired!" Pence said. "Now who's next?"
A fairy suddenly zoomed into the room, spreading her pixie dust around while spinning around in the room like a hyped out fangirl who had just spotted someone interesting.
"Oh she's so cute! You're hired!" Pence said.
"Er… I think she's trying to tell us something" Roxas said.
"What? I don't even get what she's doing. Tron? Can you speak fairy?" Pence asked.
"Fairly good sir" Tron said. "She says she's got an important message to some "Xehanort"-guy".
"Never heard of him, have you?" Pence asked.
"Not really, suppose she means old Xemnas?" Roxas asked.
"Bugger if I know. Why don't you go ask him? He's your boss" Pence said.
"I would, but he doesn't really like to be bothered this early…" Roxas said as the fairy started kicking him in the leg. "Okay, okay, I'm going. But I need to borrow Tron so he can translate whatever the pixie's saying".
"Tinkerbell would like to emphasise that she is a fairy, not a pixie" Tron said.
"Her name's Tinkerbell? What kind of lame assed name is that?" Roxas asked.
IV--eixipatonsillebreknit--IV
Several beatings later, Roxas and the "servants" found themselves at Xemnas' vacation house in Twilight Town; cause Xemnas has a vacation house in Twilight Town.
Roxas carefully knocked the door, and the Superior of Organization XIII stuck his head out, his hair looked more flat than usual so it was obvious he had just been in the shower.
"What do you want nr XIII? Don't you ever knock?" Xemnas asked.
"I did… the pixie here came with a message to some guy called "Xehanort", have you ever heard of him by any chance?" Roxas said, pointing to Tinkerbell who was now glaring at him.
"Xehanort eyh? That's a name I haven't heard in a long time" Xemnas said.
"So you, ouch, know him?" Roxas said and grabbed the fairy before she could cause him any severe injuries.
"Know him? He's me! Or well…my other" Xemnas said.
"But I always thought your name was an anagram of Ansem, now you're telling me your real name was Xehanort?" Roxas asked.
"Well you try creating an anagram of Xehanort and add another X, there are limits to how many Xs I want in my name you know, although it does turn into many interesting sayings when I anagram it" Xemnas said.
As Xemnas started rambling over the different ways to anagram the word "Xehanort" (one of them being "Your mom" for reasons Roxas didn't quite get) Roxas was starting to think it was a bad idea coming here, he'd forgotten how annoying Xemnas could be once he started rambling over something (Usually Kingdom Hearts).
After a few hours Xemnas was done rambling (it wasn't always about his name, he went from that to how much he hated motorcycles, Sora, keyblades, final Fantasy and finally his favourite subject: Kingdom Hearts)
"Well let's see what kind of message you got for me then pixie" Xemnas said.
"She's a fairy" Tron commented as Tinkerbell were saying a few words in fairy language he simply refused to translate.
"I have no heart, I don't care" Xemnas said. "So what's the message pi…fairy?"
Tinkerbell handed him a note from Namine, now we know who escaped trhough the tiny portal she summoned up in the gummi ship.
"Dear Xehanort.
How are you doing? We were doing fine until we were randomly attacked by heartless. They're storming the castle as I write this and I fear we may not be able to make it to The World that Never Was with the secret plans about how to destroy the death star which we found on Uncyclopedia.
So instead I'm sending the plans with this here fairy (Fairy was written with a pencil over the word Namine had already written, which appeared to be "Pixie") it's on the back of this paper.
Would you please deliver it to the HQ for me?
No Love whatsoever. Namine".
"What does she think I am? Her delivery boy?" Xemnas asked. "I'm the freaking superior for Kingdom Heart's sake".
He looked up to see Roxas who had randomly started practising with his keyblades, and knocked over all of his furniture.
"Ops".
Xemnas sighed.
"Well since I have to go get new furniture anyway I might as well go deliver the plans. Come on XIII" he said and turned to leave out the door.
"Well okay, but I should probably tell Pence and Olette first" Roxas said.
They went to the usual spot only to find a couple of shadow heartless crawling on the floor.
"Looks like the heartless came here first. Sorry about your friends, Roxas…. Well no I'm not sorry, but you get what I mean" Xemnas said.
Roxas gazed at the shadows, and then he pierced both of them with his keyblade (one blade into each).
"Meh, screw them. They were annoying anyway" he said. "Let's just go find a gummi ship".
The foursome (Tinkerbell and Tron decided to follow them as their employers had turned into heartless and were later stabbed by Roxas) decided to go to the station, since they had gummi ships at the station.
Under way however they were stopped by a group of heartless.
"We're looking for a pixie and a computer program, have you seen 'em?" one of them, a soldier asked.
Roxas and Xemnas looked at Tron and Tinkerbell.
"Well…. It can't be them, Tink here is a fairy, not a pixie" Roxas said.
The heartless didn't look completely convinced, so they didn't move.
"LOOK! XEHANORT'S HEARTLESS!" Xemnas suddenly yelled.
"Where?!" the heartless yelled, and looked in the direction Xemnas was pointing.
"Run you fool!" Xemnas said and grabbed Roxas before running of, Tinkerbell and Tron followed.
"Wow! That was great! How did you do that?" Roxas said.
"Simple. Lies have much power over simple minded creatures such as these" Xemnas said. "Now lets get to the station before they realise my heartless isn't there".
Usagi: well that concludes the first chapter. 7 pages long, I'm shocked. (usually I only write like 2-3 each chapter).
As you may have noticed by now, all (well most of them at least) the good guys in this fic are villains and the Organization XIII are the good guys :3
Twisted I know… For complete role-list, see my profile.
Meanwhile: Please review! I won't upload the next chapter until someone does.