Encounter on the Plains

If this was home, then I was a Chinese jetpilot. And I sure didn't know who these assholes were. They looked like a buncha rejects from a renaissance faire: long hippie hair, armour that looked like it was leather with all sorts of that Irish knotwork crap all over it, obviously fake swords and to top it off, they were all on horseback. What the fuck, I ask you? What kind of idiots make armour out of leather? That ain't gonna stop jack.

A bunch of 'em were poking my car with their spears. "HEY!" I yelled. "You scratch that paint, ponyboy, and you're gonna be payin' for it!" I kinda hoped they would scratch it up -- except I doubted these guys had insurance. They'd probably try to pay me in rocks or toads or horseturds or something. Primitive screwheads, I decided, watching as one of 'em punctured the driver's side front tire. I'd just bought that tire last week, on sale for $89.99, installation included. Now I was pissed.

One of 'em got off his horse and came over to me. "And who are you, stranger?" he demanded. His helmet -- which was metal, so I guess they weren't complete morons --had this tail on top of it, like he didn't have enough hair already. Maybe he was making up for lack of something else.

Anyway, I didn't like the snotty tone to his voice. "What, a guy can't wander around a godforsaken shithole without a passport?" I asked. "And who the hell are you?"

He glared at me and took a step closer. Riiight. Because guys with ponytails are scary. Oooooooh. "No-one is allowed in Rohan without permission of the King," he informed me. "I am Eomer son of Eomund, sister-son to King Theoden and Third Marshall of the Riddermark. Now declare yourself, and speak quickly!"

I started laughing, even the other guys were crowding in, like they thought there was going to be a fight or something. If he didn't back off, there would be a fight. A very short fight, seeing as how I was the only guy there with a gun, and the only guy with a chainsaw instead of a hand. "Well, hellooo, Mr. Fancypants!" I sneered. "Name's Ash. Housewares."