Title: Dreams
Fandom: Naruto
Pairing: IrukaxKakashi
Rating: M
Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't make money.
Warnings: This story contains shonen ai (love between men) and yaoi (physical love between men). If you don't like these subjects, please don't read any further and refrain from flaming me because of it.
A/N:
In honour of Kakashi's birthday today. But I have to say that I made a friend cry with this and then hit me and tell me that I should be forced to write funny birthday fics, dammit. Sorry again.
Nayru
Dreams
by nayru-kleinefee
Kakashi sighed exhaustedly. Another day, another mission… another night alone, lonely. Only that this night wasn't like any other, not really, at least not to him. Because, a look at the clock in a shop's window confirmed, he had just turned twenty-six two minutes ago.
Not that that mattered.
Not to anybody except him at least.
The Jounin sighed again while he saw his apartment building appear in the night. He didn't blame anybody for not knowing that it was his birthday. After all, he'd never told anybody, had never wanted anybody to know. Although… maybe he should have told his Genin team. Naruto would have certainly invited him for ramen the following evening. And maybe… maybe even he would have come along, maybe-
No. Kakashi shook his head while he stopped in front of his apartment door to search for his keys. He shouldn't think of him. Because no matter whether he knew about his birthday or not, he would never care. Never. Not in the way Kakashi wanted him to care and not in any other. He had to accept that finally, that it was and would always be a dream.
A dream, nothing more.
Sighing once again, Kakashi opened his door and trudged into his apartment. He was dreaming of him too much these days, it was unhealthy, and most of all it wasn't right. He really shouldn't-
The Jounin froze when he finally noticed the presence in his apartment, then gasped when he identified the chakra signature. Could it be true? Could there-
No. Without looking up, Kakashi shook his head. Whatever this was – dream, illusion, whatever – it couldn't be true. He would never come to him, never. Never.
"Kakashi-sensei?", the illusion asked softly.
"What are you doing here?", he asked back but didn't lift his head. He could only pray that this dream would vanish as soon as possible before he had the chance to hope even more, to yearn, crave and desire even more.
"I… I wanted…" There was a noise, like shuffling, and Kakashi realised that the illusion had chosen to be on his bed.
"Yes?" He almost laughed bitterly. Could it get any worse than this?
"I… am here to wish you a happy birthday", the illusion whispered softly.
"Nobody knows it's my birthday today", Kakashi told it bitterly. There, now he could be sure that this couldn't be real. He looked up slowly and almost started crying because it still looked so real, so painfully real.
"I…" The illusion scratched its nose and blushed a little. "You know, I… I sneaked into the Hokage's office and read your file some months ago…"
"Ah." It hurt. It hurt to see the object of his cravings sit before him and know that it wasn't real. It hurt to see the scar over its nose, the slight blush he yearned so much for on its cheeks and the soft hair he desired to touch so desperately right within arm's reach.
"I… I know I shouldn't have, but…" The dream laughed a little embarrassedly and blushed a little deeper. "Well, I… I just…"
"What are you here for?", Kakashi asked briskly. He knew the answer already. That thing was there to torment him, to make fun of him. And he couldn't do anything to stop it.
"I… I have a birthday present for you…", the dream breathed.
"Ah. What?" Another night full of dreams of loneliness? Another dream in which he was caged and had to look at Iruka laughing with everybody but him?
"I…" The illusion took a deep breath. "Me."
"You?" No, this was even worse, even more torturing.
"Yes, me…" The dream slowly got up from the bed and approached him. "If you want me."
"You know I want." Kakashi turned away. God, it hurt.
"You do?" There was a smile in the illusion's voice. "Really?"
"Yes…" He needed all his strength not to start crying now.
"I… I wasn't sure…" Gentle, warm hands touched his back, and they felt real, so real it hurt.
"I… you know I dream of Iruka every night…", Kakashi whispered. "You know he's all I can think of…"
"Kakashi…" The dream carefully turned him around. "Why do you talk like that?"
"Stop it", the Copy-nin pleaded. "I know you're not him."
"Not him?" The illusion frowned. "Kakashi, what's wrong?"
"Leave, please…" Kakashi walked away from it to collapse on his bed. "Don't torture me anymore with these dreams…"
"But this is no dream." The illusion followed him and sat down on his side. "You're not dreaming." It gently stroked over the Jounin's hair.
"I have to be." Kakashi closed his eyes. "He would never come to me."
"But I'm here."
"He would never want me."
"I want you, Kakashi. I-"
"You're not him!", the Jounin shouted and sat up again. "Stop saying that!"
"Kakashi…" The illusion looked at him, then a tear formed in its eye and rolled down its cheek. "I didn't know you were hurting…"
"Stop it", Kakashi forced out, feeling the tear rip his soul apart despite him knowing that it wasn't real, not really Iruka's tear.
"Stop what?" The dream smiled sadly. "Caring about you? Loving you?", it whispered.
"He doesn't love me." Kakashi shook his head.
"I do."
"You're not him."
"I am Iruka." The illusion smiled – Iruka's smile and so perfect that it hurt.
"You're not."
"I am." The dream softly stroked over the Jounin's cheek and it hurt, it hurt so much, and felt so good.
"Please…", Kakashi whispered. "I don't want to hope anymore… it hurts too much…"
"Don't say that", the dream whispered. "Don't say that I hurt you."
"But you do…" Kakashi shook his head. "And I… I can't…"
"Let me heal you", the illusion whispered.
"You can't heal me." Nobody could, only Iruka, and he would never want to.
"Kakashi…" And then hands were on his mask, pulling it down, and he didn't try to stop them because they weren't real after all, and then… and then…
"Doesn't this feel real?", the illusion whispered when it broke the soft kiss. "Doesn't this feel how only a real kiss can feel?"
"It wasn't real…", Kakashi whispered although it had felt like that. But that was only another kind of torture.
"It was. And I am real, Kakashi. Look at me."
"No…" But he couldn't stop his eyes, couldn't resist the painful sight he craved for so very, very much.
"Here…" The dream took his hand and gently let his fingers touch its nose, its cheeks, its lips. "Don't I feel real?"
"No…" Yes, it did. It felt so, so real, so painfully real.
"Kakashi, please." The illusion tenderly kissed his fingertips, one after the other. "Believe me."
"But you'll be gone in the morning", Kakashi whispered. "And it will hurt so much." He didn't think he could stand that.
"If you want it, I will stay with you." The dream leaned forward and kissed him again. "Say that you want me to and I will stay with you, Kakashi. I… There's nothing I want more."
"I… I want it…" So much, so very much.
"Then I will stay with you." The illusion smiled Iruka's smile again. "And I will also do whatever else you want me to."
"Can… can you hold me?", Kakashi whispered.
"Yes, I can." The dream reached out and took him in its arms, and they felt warm, so warm, and there was even Iruka's smell now.
"You're not him?", Kakashi told himself but couldn't help it when it came out as a question.
"I am Iruka, Kakashi." And then there were lips again, and even more warmth, and this really, really felt like Iruka now although it was impossible.
"You promise?" Although it was impossible?
"I promise that I am Iruka and no dream", he- it- he whispered.
"And you… will stay?" Although it was impossible?
"Yes, Kakashi." The dream-Iruka tilted his head and kissed him again.
"And hold me?" Although it was-
"I want nothing more than that." And then the illusionary Iruka tightened his embrace.
Kakashi sighed and closed his eyes. This couldn't be real, he knew that, but still he felt himself hope. And it… it felt so real, this dream felt like Iruka so very much, and if it just could be real, then everything would be perfect.
But it wasn't real. He knew he was lying to himself and he also knew that he wasn't able to stop anymore. It wasn't real, wasn't Iruka, but he couldn't go back now anymore, not when it felt so real. And this would be all he would ever have from Iruka, illusion or not, this would be the only time he would be able to be with Iruka. And as long as he had this dream, this illusion, as long as it lasted, he could at least try to pretend that it was real.
"I… Iruka?", he whispered, and somehow even addressing the illusion with the Chuunin's name felt real, felt right.
"Yes, Kakashi?"
"I… I want to be close to you", the Jounin breathed. As close as he could, this one and only time.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes." He knew that it was wrong, that he shouldn't do it if he wanted to be able to look the real Iruka in the eyes ever again, but he couldn't fight the craving inside him anymore.
"You can have whatever you want from me", Iruka whispered softly, then kissed him again, this time deeply and sensually.
"I… I want… please…", Kakashi whispered, then allowed himself to stop thinking and just feel for a while, allowed himself to touch this Iruka, to kiss him and desire him, and then allowed him to undress them both until he could feel Iruka's warmth on his skin.
"Kakashi…", Iruka whispered and pulled the Jounin to lie above him. "Please…"
"No…" Kakashi shook his head. "I want… please… let me feel you…" This one time, this only time he had, he wanted to feel Iruka close to him, wanted to pretend that Iruka wanted him, that Iruka wanted to possess and claim him, just as he yearned for so much.
And then Iruka kissed him again and pushed him down and touched him and prepared him, and there was pain, sharp, delicious and exquisite, and he was writhing and gasping and calling Iruka's name over and over. And Iruka was in him, moving inside him, whispering to him, promising and offering, and he was falling, spinning, shattering to pieces until there was nothing left that didn't belong to Iruka anymore.
"I love you", Iruka whispered, and Kakashi knew that he was dying just at that moment because it was all he'd ever wanted and just what he would never get.
"I love you", he whispered back while he felt tears in his eyes and desperately tried to force them back.
"Don't cry, my love", Iruka murmured and left his body, making him whimper. And then fingers tenderly moved over his thighs until they touched his aching muscle, and the pain lessened.
"No…", Kakashi whimpered. "Don't…" He needed this pain, needed to feel it now and then not to feel it anymore in the morning when the dream would be over. He needed it if he ever wanted to be able to stop pretending, to stop hoping that it had been real.
"Shh, my beloved." Iruka tenderly kissed his tears away. "Don't cry anymore. I will stay here."
"No…", Kakashi contradicted softly, weakly, defeated, and then just closed his eyes and clang to his dream, his hope, his despair until he couldn't fight the sleep anymore.
When he awoke with the sunlight shining on his face, the bed beside him was empty.
"I knew it…", he whispered and felt tears starting to fall. "I knew it…" And it hurt, hurt even worse than ever before, because now he knew how it could be, how it would never be. And he would always only have this, this memory of a dream, and never, never would it become reality.
"Iruka… Iruka…" Even saying the name of his beloved hurt now, every thought of him was like a blade through his chest, and still he craved for this pain, this almost sweet pain, because it brought memories with it, of warmth and tenderness and care. And memories would be all he would ever have, all he could cling to in futile hope, painful, futile ho-
"Oh, you're awake already."
Kakashi's head snapped up to stare at the vision crouching on his windowsill.
"I'm sorry. I really hoped I would be fast enough to come back before you woke."
"I… Iruka?" But no, this couldn't be. Dreams never came back.
"I called in sick for both of us." A smile, so real, so painful. "I told them that you had the flu and that I had to take care of you because you refused to go to the hospital."
"Iruka?" But… no, it wasn't possible. Dreams never stayed, they always vanished in the sunlight.
"Kakashi, what's wrong?" Iru- the dream frowned.
"Are you… are you real?" No, no, he couldn't start hoping again, couldn't afford that. He would break this time, he knew it.
"Am I… Kakashi!" And then suddenly there was warmth, just like the night before, and this smell, this soothing, wonderful smell, and those hands that were so gentle, so caring, and he couldn't help it when his body started to shake uncontrollably.
"Shh… shh, my beloved…", Iruka whispered and started to rock him gently. "Shh… I'm here… Kakashi… I won't leave… not ever again… not now that I'm here… here where I belong…"
And finally, finally Kakashi was there, too, crying and trembling and breaking but there.
Nayru