Favourable Bachelor
Disclaimer: This is a purely fan-made piece that is using the world and characters from Masashi Kishimoto's Naruto and is made entirely for enjoyment. No financial gain has been made in the making of this piece
Summery: Iruka suddenly finds he's Konoha's most eligible bachelor—whether he wants to be or not—and he makes the mistake of involving one jounin
Author's Note: Possible out-of-characterness, swearing and other foul language, discrimination, abuse, and things like that.
Constructive Criticism is always welcomed
Published: 13 September 2007
Rating: T
"Since when is this MY FAULT?!"
"The destruction is getting out of hand!"
"I still don't see why this is MY FAULT!"
Raidou sighed. "If you would just go out with one of them, this wouldn't be a problem—"
"I am NOT dating any of them! I've told them all numerous times that I'm not interested in ANY of them!" Iruka looked like he was going to have an apoplexy right there.
"I am NOT going to be filling out Incidence Reports for the rest of my life just because you can't tell some kunoichis that your affections fall elsewhere!" Izumo snapped and Kotetsu nodded in agreement.
"I've TOLD them millions of times! And I'm the one who usually ends up filling out those reports because you refuse to do anything that involves them!" The artery in Iruka's forehead throbbed dangerously. "And it's NOT MY FAULT that they can't listen to what I say! It is NOT MY FAULT that they think that having a war over me is going to win my affections!"
"Have you considered getting a girlfriend? Somebody who isn't one of those three?" Raidou asked, rubbing his forehead.
"No good." Kotetsu said. "They'd kill whatever girl it was for getting in the way."
"Unless she was higher ranking than them or scarier." Izumo tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I hear that Tsume-san is looking—"
Iruka's kunai scraped his head. Izumo cringed as he fingered the damage to his bandana. If he hadn't ducked, he would now be sporting a lovely new addition—one that sprouted from the middle of his forehead. He'd forgotten how good Iruka's aim and speed became when he was angry. Clearly, the idea of dating the Inuzuka was a no-go with the scar-faced chunin.
"The idea isn't half-bad." Kotetsu pointed out. "If those kunoichis are any indication, I bet it'd be easy to get a girl who would be interested in dating you, and if you got a possessive one, the three of them would have to back off."
"That, or they'd kill her."
"They might just torment her. I mean, we are talking about—"
"If you all don't get out of my sight within the next ten seconds," Iruka said in a tone of voice that his students knew meant that he was going to do something unspeakably awful to them if they didn't get out of there right NOW. "I'm going to be forced to do something to you that your future girlfriends will not approve of."
"Um, right. Think about it?" Kotetsu said before bolting, a box of staples with an exploding tag attached to it flying at him. Raidou and Izumo barely got the door shut before it blew up, sending staples rocketing out to mix with the shrapnel of the former door.
Iruka let his head hit the desk and contemplated smashing his head against the wooden surface until he was blissfully, blissfully unconscious. The only problem with that would be his co-workers would be heartless enough to bring him to the hospital and that would mean that Those Kunoichis would find out and then They'd follow him there and smother him with all sorts of terrible things that might have—at one point—been romantic and thoughtful, but had lost much of the niceness due to the violence that it would be delivered with. He was sick of bruises from chocolate boxes, welts from flower stems, and having his eardrums pierced by shrill parodies of love songs.
And that only was if one of Them was in the room. If more then one was there…well, he had seen some serious carnage in his day, but it was nothing compared to the bloodbath that resulted when Those Kunoichis fought for his attention. This said nothing about the states of thing when they decided to pull the passive-aggressive cards out.
Iruka had never thought himself a bad person. A bit overlooked, perhaps, but reliable and caring and good, in general. He never forgot to light candles for the spirits or his ancestors—heck, he even left incense on random days, just for the sake of leaving some for his parents. He had yet to forget any important holiday, birthday, event, party, name, or gift. He'd never failed a child who didn't deserve it and he only held grudges when the situation called for it.
He wished he knew what he had done to make the gods hate him so utterly. He couldn't think of anything. Even the most despicable person didn't deserve this!
He sighed and looked at the door. He'd probably pay for a new one out of pocket on principle. He didn't just destroy things and expect them to magically fix themselves. With the current rate that things were going, he was going to go broke faster than if he promised to buy Naruto as much ramen as he wanted for the next month.
Grumbling to himself, Iruka grabbed a 15-2p Incident Report form (the no-injuries, no-major structural damage, no-enemy, no-civilian damage involvement report). The sooner he finished that, the sooner he could go hide somewhere quiet to grade his students' workbooks. He normally was very punctual with his grading, but things recently had been a bit…stressful for him, to say the least, and finding time and space away from Them was getting harder and harder every day.
Even using variations of Naruto's Sexy-no-jutsu wasn't working any more. He was starting to get desperate enough that Izumo's suggestion of dating Inuzuka Tsume was beginning to look good—even if she was way too old for him and way more into the BDSM stuff than Iruka would ever be. He didn't mind a bit of simple bondage, but he wasn't like Ebisu (who would deny it wildly in public) and didn't really enjoy anything that got too much passed that. He'd tried it once, and the experience had been…less than pleasant, to put mildly.
"Ooooooooh IRUKA-CHAN!"
Iruka didn't even freeze any more at that voice. Freezing—he had learned—led to valuable time being lost. He grabbed his bag, stuffed the report he'd been working on into it, and launched himself out of the window with a speed that would have had Gai turning greener than his unitard and loudly praising Iruka's Youthfulness.
As he rocketed across the roofs, he spotted another one and knew he wasn't going to get any papers graded tonight.
He pushed more chakra into his legs to help him go faster and wondered if Naruto would ever forgive him when he became an insane missing ninja.
Because today is important and awesome, here you all go!