Disclaimer: Batman be not the mine. 'Kay?
CATverse timeline: www. freewebs. com/ catverse
This comes after BiteMeTechie's "Uncle Squishy's Sunshine Hour" (woo!) and before "Stars and Spangles," also by Techie.
The Captain is in a happy mood.
Dear diary,
Doesn't it just figure? We work in Vegas for six years and get nothing but the typical drunks and pregnant teenagers, but the first day we open up in Atlantic City we get the real freaks.
Daddy's the one who decided this was the way to go with his life. I guess a divorce will do funny things to your head, and if you're already an Elvis impersonator, then getting ordained over the internet and opening up a wedding chapel is really the only thing to do. Why I agreed to be his receptionist, though, I don't know. Easier than college, I guess. After today, though, I think I'd rather go back to school, maybe become a nice dental hygienist. That would be a really decent way to spend the rest of my days.
We were open all day and no one came in. I thought either we'd close up shop, or the people would start to trickle in with the sunset. And whaddaya know, the minute the sun dropped, this…group burst in on me.
How do I describe them? There were four, one man and three girls young enough to be his daughters. Actually, I guess they were about my age, not really "girls." Still, the point is, they should have been calling him Daddy, not trying to marry him.
And he didn't seem too happy about it, even though they were giggling like schoolgirls. You know, once or twice I've had men bring in women who were pretty clearly unwilling, but I've never had a woman force a man. That old stereotype again—women only trick men into marriage. Still, he didn't want to be here. Any idiot could see that. But when I tried to suggest that maybe they had other options, he insisted that we go through with it.
And who was I to argue? They paid cash.
So my first question—because the answer wasn't immediately obvious—was simply, "Who's the bride?"
Apparently, it wasn't immediately obvious to them, either. All three girls spoke up at the same time, then looked up at their friend like they were waiting for him to decide. It's funny, I've never seen a man so completely oblivious to the attention of three pretty girls. Sure, they weren't any of them swimsuit models, but it's not like he could do better. Total nerd. Not like the kind who still lives in his parents' basement (too skinny) but definitely a nerd. He probably has a pocket protector for every day of the week. A guy like that, you'd think, would be happy to get a girl. But that's beside the point.
One of the girls came forward. (I think they called her Tex, but that can't be right. She sure didn't sound Texan.) She started holding her sweetie's hand and loving on him, and he tried to play it the same way, but his acting could use some improvement. I see couples in love six times a day, and this wasn't it. I'm sure he liked her well enough, but the lovey-dovey stuff wasn't doing it for him.
But what do I care if they wanted to get married for the wrong reasons, whatever those reasons were. Most of the people Daddy puts together probably don't even stay that way for a year. And that's fine by me. They keep us in business, and sometimes we can even hope for repeat customers.
Not these, though. I'd bet anything I'll never see them again.
I had to walk them through all the legal stuff. They seemed surprised when I asked them about a marriage license. Never a good sign. I was afraid they hadn't gotten one, but then the short-haired bridesmaid said she was sorry, but she left it in the car, and she would go get it—and the rings. She giggled too much. Seemed kind of slow upstairs.
After she ran off, we started to discuss the theme. Daddy's specialty is the King, but we're always prepared for whatever's popular at the time. We have all kinds of Tolkein-style fairytale crap, all the space opera props you could ever want. I bet someday I'll fall in love with a man who wants to get married in a church, and I'll break my poor father's heart.
Being so close to Gotham, Daddy thought we should expand the themes to include a superhero wedding. I know I said it was a dumb idea and no one would ever go for it, but you should have heard the sounds the bride and her bridesmaid made when I brought it up. Hubby looked like he thought the idea was as dumb as I did, but everyone knows the wedding day isn't for the groom.
He absolutely refused when I told them they could join in the fun and dress up in our surplus costumes. The bride started begging and pleading, the bridesmaid called him a chicken, and the groom just muttered something about dignity and looked like he wanted to slug them both.
The women won. What can you expect on the wedding day? Poor hubby wasn't too happy about it, though. I can't say I blame him. If my fiancé tried to make me get married in a cape and cowl, I'd be mad, too.
The other bridesmaid showed up in time to help convince hubby to dress up. She brought the marriage license, the rings, the bride's dress, and the groom's tuxedo. The way they were acting, I wouldn't have thought they were prepared at all, but they seemed to have everything in hand. I guess it's technically possible that she could have forged the papers, stolen the rings from the local pawn shop, and held up the bridal boutique for the dress and tux. But no one who giggles like such a valley girl could possibly plan that far ahead. Besides, what would be the point?
The other bridesmaid, the short one, looked at the marriage license and started laughing like a hyena. I don't know what's so funny about "Arlene Machiavelli." For a second there, I thought it had been misspelled or something. I'm sure no one wanted to have to go through another three day waiting period while they got another one. But then the bridesmaid said, no, her name was Arlene, and she just wasn't used to seeing her friend's name written out like that. I guess the bride must go by her middle name.
Anyway, they all went off to get dressed. All the girls were giggling over their Catwoman masks, and I must say those are pretty cool-looking. The bridesmaids had purple ones, just like the real thing (except made of satin, because nobody wants to wear leather to a wedding. Well…almost nobody.) The bride had a white one, same style but with a veil attached. It sounds stupid, but it looks great.
I helped Daddy set up. There weren't too many changes to make. Just getting him into his Superman costume (because he can't be dressed the same as the groom, after all) and making sure the lights were all up and the flowers weren't dead. We were ready by the time the groom and the bridesmaids came out to take their places.
They looked good. The groom, especially, cleaned up better than expected. I figured he would be, at best, presentable, because it's hard to look too bad in a tux. But with the cape over it, he looked sort of dashing, in a weird way. Not to mention extremely pissed off. The bridesmaids made him take off his glasses and put on the mask, and that completed the look. It was cute. But weird. And I know weird.
I let Daddy explain the ceremony while I went and got the bride ready.
And wow, she looked fantastic. I've seen hundreds of brides, and all of them looked their best, because that's just the wedding day rule. But this one…I couldn't wait to see the look on the groom's face when he saw her. He might not really want to marry her, but he couldn't help looking forward to the honeymoon, with her looking like that.
The dress wasn't anything fancy. Most people don't bother with real wedding dresses, anyway, not when they come to us. She just had a simple white sheath, probably exactly what the real Catwoman would wear if she ever got married, tight and clingy in all the right places, and I only wish I could look that curvaceous. And she had a bouquet of tulips. Where she got those, I don't know, because we don't have any on hand. And, well, I know I say this at least once a day, but she just looked so beautiful, I wish I were getting married. I want a wedding. And a ring like that, too. Gorgeous and antique, which does sort of support the pawn shop theory. But mostly I want a wedding.
And that's why I can't watch these things anymore. I used to help Daddy with the ceremonies when we were just starting out. Now they just make me jealous, and I don't like that feeling. So I started the tape, and when the wedding march started to play, Daddy met her at the door.
Most of the women who come to us don't bring their fathers along to give them away. Daddy says no one should have to walk down the aisle alone, though, so he escorts every bride to the altar. I don't know if it's because he likes to have a pretty girl on his arm, or because he likes to watch the groom's face go all soft and gooey when he sees his lover looking so sweet.
This groom was floored. I stayed just long enough to see that before I went back out to the front desk. Who knows, we might have had another customer. We didn't, but that's not the point.
After I got caught up on my reading a little, the door opened again, and Batman came in.
Now, see, it's a holiday. There are people dressed up all over the place. There's a gang of boy acrobats all dressed as Robin who have been doing their tumbling routine outside our front door all day. So I didn't think anything much of it.
He seemed surprised that I wasn't more intimidated.
I told him I'd be intimidated when he showed me some ID. (Those guys can be so annoying if you give them any encouragement.)
He looked at me like I'd lost my mind. I just waited. I can deal with being looked at.
Finally, he popped out with, "I'm Batman."
Convincing. I had to explain to him that anyone can put on a mask and claim to be Batman, but that doesn't give them superpowers. Then he explained to me that Batman doesn't have superpowers. And I explained to him that I don't care. Honestly, I don't know why anyone would.
He looked like he wanted to punch my face in. I figured he was a pretty big guy, maybe I could be a little more polite. Not too polite. He was acting like a high and mighty jerk. But maybe I could try not to piss him off too much.
He told me he was looking for someone—a man and three women. The women were about my age, the man older, tall, thin, with dorky glasses. Well, he didn't say the word "dorky," but I read between the lines.
I made the mistake of telling him that sounded an awful lot like my current customers, and he decided he was going to have to break up the wedding.
I hit him with a classic, "You can't just go barging in there!"
He went barging in anyway. I had to follow.
They were just getting to the good part: "If anyone should object to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace."
I waited for Batman to speak up, but he just stood in the doorway, staring at the wedding party. I guess he wasn't expecting to have any competition in the cape and cowl department. The bride and groom and the bridesmaids stared right back at him. Daddy looked at me, waiting for an explanation. All I could do was shrug, so he went back to the ceremony.
"I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."
The way they reacted to that made me change my mind about the way he must have felt about her. Must have just been the style of the wedding he didn't like, because you don't kiss a woman like that if you're not happy to be with her.
He took her and pulled her close, and, damn it, he kissed her so passionately, I swear to God. Like he was drowning and she was air. I felt…so inadequate.
It went on. On and on and on.
It finally started to get uncomfortable. Oh, who am I kidding, started. Batman and I went outside. He apologized to me and said he'd obviously made a mistake. Then he left.
That was weird.
The customers stuck around for a little while, finishing up the paperwork and all the little issues. Then they headed out, too. The happy couple didn't look quite so happy or nearly so much like a couple with the heat of the moment over. The groom seemed totally embarrassed. The bride wouldn't stop snickering at him, and called him an exhibitionist. He just put on his hat and pulled it down over his eyes so he didn't have to look at anyone. (What is this, 1935? Nobody wears hats like that anymore.)
They were on their way to the honeymoon suite of the nearest hotel. Where the bridesmaids were going, I'm not sure. Maybe I don't really want to think about it.
As they were heading out the door, one of the bridesmaids had to get in a final shot at the groom.
"Well, Squishy, where's my kiss?"
Yeah. Like I said, one day on the east coast and we get the real weirdos. I want to go back to Vegas.