ANGST WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

How did STUART feel after Sam threw him out, after all, it was his baby too after all?

The Blame Game

I sit in my car, staring out at the Thames. It's so calm and undisturbed. Like my relationship with Sam Nixon was before the baby. Actually no, I can't blame the unborn child for this. I can blame another person, a very much alive and kicking person. Phil Hunter. Ever since him and Sam put aside the arguments they'd been having, ever since they'd become the best of friends all over again it had been different, she'd been distant. With me, with our relationship. She was distant since he used his 'special charm' on her.

I knew she was slipping away from me, like sand falls from your fingers when you try to hold on to it. She was falling away from me, and straight towards Hunter. He knows everything about her, it's like he stalks her. He knows her favourite food, her favourite film, life story, what makes her tick, everything. And it's probably easy for him seeing as she confides everything in him. Him. Not me but him. I'm her boyfriend, was her boyfriend.

"I … err … I want you to go. Please."

She'd practically begged me to leave, I didn't want to stay when I wasn't wanted. Leaving was easier, it would be walking away from an argument. But then it was also walking away from her.

It isn't like I have a commitment problem, well I guess I do, but it's only because of my past. I was engaged to who I thought was the love of my life only to find her in bed with her best friend. And although her best friend was a woman to get into a relationship with Sam only to have her best friend start interfering, who conveniently was male, started to worry me.

I can't deny to women he is pretty irresistible. Although he's cocky and arrogant to everyone he comes across something about him makes me know that he treats her differently, with respect. They have no masks and no secrets when it come to each other. I mean from what I gather he easily enough burdened her with his child problems and then she easily told him that she thought she was pregnant when she could tell me because it was too hard. As soon as she told me, I knew Phil knew. It was obvious, all his hints, all his snipes. He knew and he'd been mocking me, rubbing it in my face. It had reminded me of my ex's secret girlfriend. The way she'd acted all innocent and joked about lesbians. All the comments about my girlfriend being practically one with all her lesbian friends. When I finally realised that she'd been rubbing my face in it then it hurt. And it had started hurting all over again. I kept worrying whether any day Sam would run off with Phil and announce me single.

I'm worrying now too. What if she's rung Phil?

What if he's comforting her instead of me? What if he's trying to replace me? What if he's saying all sorts of stuff about me to her and making her hate me? What if he's being a true friend? What if he's being the perfect gent and Sam's realising that she loved him all along? What if they've already jumped into bed with each other, into the bed that a couple of weeks ago Sam and I were happily sharing? What if he's listening to the way I treated her and in his head vowing that he'll make me pay.

All the what if's are making me dizzy. And yet more are coming along.

What if Sam had kept the baby? What if I could be tied down to her and we could have been the perfect family? What if the baby had made Sam forget all about Phil? What if I walked in one day to find the baby crying while Sam and Phil romped? What if I looked into the cot to see a mini Phil staring back at me? What if I'd stayed and comforted her? What if I didn't put my heart into comforting her? What if I sat their rigid while she sobbed in my arms?

I didn't think this would of happened but my chest's starting to ache. Heartache. Deep down I wish Sam, I and the baby had all been together still. I wish I could go back and change things, make it right. Kick myself up the backside, make myself look after Sam the way I should. Made sure she didn't get so upset or stressed. If I'd just accepted the baby was going to be a part of our life and committed the way she wanted me too maybe we wouldn't be like this now. Maybe her getting stressed and upset so much killed the baby. Maybe not. We would either be looking forward to our first child or mourning the death of our unborn baby, but either way we'd be together. That was all that would have mattered.

She was a great woman when we first started out; funny, smart, pretty.

She was up for a laugh, and a drink which helps, yet she still had brains. She was extremely brainy, even better than me and I've always been pretty good.

I sigh, it had been fun to begin with but as soon as the serious part started we'd both panicked and worried. I'd wanted to get out of it, quickly, I was determined not to tie myself whilst she turned to the only person who's ever always there. Hunter.

I look out at the Thames again, once again wondering if they're in bed together, once again blaming him.