Note: The Sporkmasters link is fake. That particular site doesn't exist, though similar ones do.

The Doctor waited for the first reviews of his story to flow in. He waited, and waited, and waited. Surely it shouldn't be taking so long. Perhaps the site had experienced technical trouble and his fic hadn't been posted? He went to check, and there saw displayed The Secret Time Lord/The Time Lord Who Floated to Earth in all its glory, with a clear 0 reviews next to its title.

He felt a stirring of unease, but ruthlessly tamped it down. The obvious answer was that the readers had all been so stunned by his story's brilliance, they'd been unable to immediately come up with the right words to describe it. Once they'd had time to digest the depth and magnificence of his prose, they would shower him with the praise he deserved. He refreshed the page, and indeed, his patience had been rewarded. There it was! His very first review for his own story!

Eagerly, the Doctor clicked on the link and read the review.

He blinked and read it again.

No, it still didn't make much sense. It read: Spork at http: // w w w. sporkmasters. com / ?560231

The Doctor knew what a spork was, of course. It was an eating utensil far superior to either the spoon or the fork, since it combined the best features of each. Upon the invention of the spork, no longer did one have to ask supper guests whether they preferred to eat their mashed potatoes with a spoon or a fork. One simply handed each diner a spork, which neatly solved the problem.

The puzzle of why his reviewer had mentioned a spork and directed him to an outside website remained. Burning with curiosity, the Doctor clicked on the link.

A page slowly loaded. The title read Sporkmasters Unlimited. Beside it stood a picture of a spork: a spoon-like object with little fork tines sticking out of the end. The Doctor smiled at the sight.

Then he scanned down the page and his smile faded. It said Badfic sporking: Mary Sue alert! and linked to his precious story. Though the Doctor wasn't sure what a 'sporking' was, and Mary Sue made no sense at all, badfic had an ominous sound to it.

It appeared that his entire story had been quoted and reviewed by an individual going by the name 'SueSlayer'. The Doctor read swiftly, his eyes widening in disbelief.

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Badfic sporking: Mary Sue alert!
sporked by SueSlayer

Original text is in regular type. Sporking is in bold.

Title: The Secret Time Lord I already smell a Mary Sue.
Alternate Title: The Time Lord Who Floated to Earth Yep. What did I tell you?
Author: TenthDoctorReturns ;-) Sign #36,959,265 that a story will suck: The author uses an emoticon in his user name.
Rated: G for great! What, no 'M' for 'modest'?
Genres: action/suspense/horror/angst/humour/tragedy/fluff/drama/introspection/
character study/religious/fluff/satire/crime/fantasy You left out 'hurt/comfort', author, but I think that's about the only category you missed.
Summary: The last Time Lord, alone and so lonely, must somehow find her place in an unfamiliar universe where she believes herself to be alone amongst strangers.
A/N: This is my first fic so bare with me I don't even know you! Why would I want to get naked with you?, be gentle, etc., lolz.
I wrote this fic at 2:38 in the morning I started this sporking at 12:1 9 in the afternoon. while I was on a metralimbaloid high. The author was on drugs at the time. That explains a lot. I was inspired yawn when I looked out my bedroom window Zzzz.... and saw a star go sailing by snore and thought about how it would feel to be free-falling Wake me when this note is over. through space with no TARDIS to hold me and it was a sad feeling so here you are! Can I leave? Please?

Key (just so the story doesn't confuse anyone)
" is for dialogue (people talking).
' is for people thinking.
- is for telepathy.
% is for animals talking.
is for animals thinking.
= is for animals thinking directly to M'l'o-a. M'l'-o-a? WTF?
+ is for M'l'o-a thinking directly to animals.
^ is for ghosts speaking.
# is for ghosts thinking.
/ is for ghosts thinking directly to M'l'o-a.
{ is for M'l'o-a thinking directly to ghosts.

I'm now picturing a typical conversation in this fic. It goes like this:
Hello, thought a little furry animal.
+How are you?+ responded the Mary Sue.
/Who's out there?/ asked a ghost.
'I'm so confused,' thought a random individual.
^What's going on?^ a stranger chimed in.
%Fuck if I know,% came the reply.
And no one knew who had said or thought any of this crap without consulting a key every single time.

THE SECRET TIME LORD
or
THE TIME LORD WHO FLOATED TO EARTH
Both titles were bad enough the first time they appeared. Did you have to repeat them?

M'l'o-a had had had The author has created a new verb tense. 'Had' is past tense. 'Had had' is past perfect. 'Had had had' is past 'the author made it up'. a difficult life. She had two eyes Which makes life difficult in what way?; one was emerald that pierces you to your soul when she looked into your eyes with her piercing emerald gaze. Apparently, her second eye was colourless. Her hair is raven black, with sapphire, copper, indigo, and vermilion stripes in it that contrasted I see that we're playing 'pick the verb tense out of a hat' in this fic. perfectly with her piercing emerald eyes. In what universe do black, sapphire, copper, indigo, vermilion, and emerald all look good together? Her glistening ebony tresses I thought they were 'raven black'? hung straight and true all the way down to her waist. Straight and true? Obviously, the writer has never had waist-long hair. She had the perfect hourglass figure every girl dreams of Speak for yourself. and she knows she is the most gorgeous creature in existence The most modest, too. but everyone loves her for her modesty Did I call that one, or what? and beauty. Although M'l-a You know a story is bad when the author misspells his own Mary Sue's name. is actually 962 years old, she looks about thirteen in Earth years.

By the way, M'l'o-a's full name was Meisobalgarzoniriwoglamolala Can't... type. Too busy choking with laughter.... but it was a bit difficult for a few people to pronounce and spell so she went by M'l'o-a with the accent on the first and third syllables for their benefit. I still have no idea how to pronounce it.

M'l'o-a has the ability to talk to both ghosts and animals and they can both think and talk to her as well as to each other.

When Gallifrey blew up M'l'o-a Yay, she's dead! There's something good about the destruction of Gallifrey. went down in the great Time War. M'l'o-a was knocked unconscious M'l'o-a's survival is the most disappointing plot development ever. and down she floats to Earth in a comma Oh, those helpful commas. They're not merely punctuation aids; they also transport one around the universe. for three hundred years. When she wakes up she is in London where fortunately no one cares if you are lying on a street corner not moving except to pick your pockets. M'l'o-a was lucky. She was naked so she had no pockets to pick. That's a very loose definition of 'lucky'.

"Oh, how I miss home," she cried sadly. "Well, I suppose I will move into a flat and get a job." Maybe she ought to consider finding some clothes first. Just sayin'.

Soon M'l'o-a was working at UNIT as their top scientific advisor. Because UNIT are famous for employing strange girls who look like they're thirteen years old and have no work history. She has a fantastic voice too so she became discovered on The X Factor and was a star. That was nice and random. Good thing noone knew she was the Master's daughter. This 'noone' is the only intelligent character in the story.

Then she met a ghost. Well, that came flying in from nowhere.

TBC I was desperately hoping to see 'The End' instead.

PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!

I require 30 reviews before I will post the next chappie!

Dilemmas, dilemmas. If I leave a review to say how much this thing sucks, I'll feel better. OTOH, my review might count as one of the thirty comments required for the next part to be posted, and that would be a tragedy indeed.

Frozen in shock, the Doctor simply stared at the page. How dare anyone make critical remarks about his writing. It was so unfair!